It's raining today. Ironic because this was his favorite weather. He always tried dragging me outside on rainy days.

He jumped in the puddles caught raindrops in his mouth and he'd even stare up at the sky wide eyed to see if a drop would land in his eye.

One always did.

And he would always say 'ow' before doing it all over again.

I liked rainy days.

But Jordan loved them.

He would've loved today.

Instead, he was being buried.

My best friend is gone.

This week was supposed to be the best week of senior year. We were going to have our prank days, and our barbecues and graduation. Now we just have graduation, and the class barely even wants to do that.

Everyone was sad. Not everyone knew him like I did or my brothers or co, but one thing that was definite, was the fact that he could put a smile on anyone's face. He could turn the worst of days to something you'd never want to forget.

Right about now, I'd do anything to forget today.

This is the kind of day I'd need him.

But now I sit here and can't even cry watching them lower his casket into the ground.

He said he never wanted to be cremated, according to him, if he was, he'd never be able to haunt us. He definitely got that from supernatural, but we all rolled with it.

He told me he loved me, and he told me to never stop smiling, I couldn't bring myself to do so.

Everywhere I looked I was reminded of him. Even my own fucking bedroom was filled with memories of him. The countless movie nights we had together, the times he'd fall off my bed and hurt his head when we were little.

Him helping me hang all of my pictures and then falling and tearing half of them down. Him comin in for me when I was sad, me stocking up on food when he was sad.

I lost my soulmate.

I love Caleb and I always have, but Jordan was my soulmate.

"C'mon B," Arrex says as the service ends. I can't seem to move though. I wasn't ready to leave him yet.

After the doctor came in and told us, it was as if a part of all of us had died. Co and I didn't sleep that day at all, we just sat in silence. Just touching or nudging the other every once in a while just as a check in. I haven't slept alone since that night.

We'd all been spending the night in Becks hospital room. It's been the same since we were kicked out of Jordan's room.

We were allowed to see Jordan after the doctor came in. Obviously his family went first but after they let us in, the only thing keeping him breathing was a machine.

The doctor said he was basically dead on the scene. The last time I talked to him was the very last thing he heard before he died.

I couldn't stand seeing Jordan laying there. He was so still and pale and just not him.

He never sat still, he was always fidgeting. Something his mom yelled at him for constantly. And he was always tan, even in winter.

The worst part was not seeing that smile of his on his face. I wanted it to all be a sick joke, I wanted none of this to be true

I wanted to walk in that room and see my best friend, arms wide open smiling the the idiot he is.

I wanted him here with me.

"I'm going to stay," I tell my Arrex. He goes to give me his umbrella but I just shake my head.

"Okay," he nods "Love you,"

"I love you too, I'll see you at home." I nod before looking back at the newly dug up ground that had just been replaced over his casket.

The only ones left were his parents and sister.

Without saying a word, Julia runs over to me and practically jumps in my arms, crying.

"I got you," I whisper as she cries. Jordan was her best friend. He was her big brother, her protector, her everything. She looked up to him for everything.

I just hold her as I walk over to his parent who are crying as they watch us.

"I am so sorry," I whisper, my voice hoarse "I'm so so sorry, none of this was supposed to happen- I-I just, I-," I couldn't talk, I couldn't cry, I couldn't fucking think.

Neither of his parents hesitate as they pull me into a hug. Crying right along with their daughter.

"Thank you for being his best friend," His mom pulls away slightly to look at me "Thank you for taking care of him,"

"He wouldn't have been the person he was without you Bailey," his dad wipes his eyes "Thank you so much,"

I just nod, the tears threatening to fall.

I wouldn't be who I am without him.

How the fuck do I live without my best friend?

"I can take her," his mom says, in regards to julia who was latched onto me

"No!" She screams and hugs me tighter "I don't want to leave Jordy," she sobs

"Jules," I say softly as I kneel down to set her on the ground. "You have to be with your parents, they need you right now, okay?"

"I need Jordan," she pulls away to look at me

"I know, I do too," I wipe the tears streaming down her face "But right now, your mommy and daddy need you, and you need them a lot more than you think,"

"O-okay," she sniffles "I love you Bailey," she hugs me and I feel like I can't breathe as I squeeze her

"I love you too Princess," I give her one last kiss on the head before letting her mom take her

"Thank you," Her dad just nods before giving me one last hug "We love you,"

"I love you guys too," I just nod,

They left and I'm still sitting here beside the dirt.

His headstone wasn't ready yet, but it should be nice once it's done, we all got to see it beforehand. It fit him. Not that any gravestone should fit an eighteen year old kid.

"I don't believe in this shit, but I know you did," I sniffle, pushing my rain soaked hair out of my face to talk to him "I miss you already."

"Beck's still in the hospital," I say "He's in a coma right now, his brain started swelling and they had to take a piece of his skull out to relieve the pressure," I huff "They-we don't know if he's going to wake up,"

"The doctor said he could wake up and be fine, he could have memory loss, theres the possibility he might not wake up at all,"

"I want you to come home, I just want you to be there with everyone. I want to stop fucking crying," now sobbing I close my eyes "I want my best friend back,"

He was going to be great. He had a full ride with co, they were guaranteed for the big leagues. He's been a prospect since he was thirteen for fucks sakes! How can he just be gone?

It's fucking bullshit.

He's done nothing but good his whole life, he was nice to people, he was beyond giving, and he loved everyone. How can he just die like this.

He believed in god and heaven and all of that bullshit, and he tried to have me get into it all, but right about now, I'm having a really hard time seeing how any of that is true.

Why the fuck would he take a perfect eighteen year old kid? Why?

I can't think of one good fucking reason.

There are people who kill, steal and rape and he takes the one with the perfect future. The one who would give a random person the shirt off his back?

Bullshit.

"I love you Jordy," I huff, one last time before getting up. I didn't know where to go. If I went anywhere in this fucking town, people are going to ask me about him. I didn't want to talk to anyone besides the two people I couldn't.

The only place I could really think of going was the hospital.

—————————

By this point in the week the nurses knew who I was, I'd been here everyday for the past week. They say hi and I usually say at least something back but right now all I could do was nod.

No one was here, I could just sit and be with my brother. After today that's all I wanted to do.

"Hi bud," I get choked up as I look at him.

Almost as weird as seeing Jordan. Beck was always smiling or glaring at someone or something, so for him to have a completely blank expression was just weird to put it simply. He never shut up and he was always finding something to.

"We buried Jordan today," a stray tear calls down my face.

Is it possible to run out of tears? Within this past week, I've cried more than I have in my whole life. It seemed like it was non stop.

"I hate this so fucking much," I huff "You gotta wake up B, please," I know he probably couldn't hear me, but deep down there was a part of me that was desperately hoping her could.

"We can't end like this, the last thing I said to you was 'I hate you', you can't leave me Beck, you're my brother and my best friend and I didn't mean any of it, I-I love you so-so much and I can't fucking lose you too," I just hold his hand, putting my head down on the side of his hospital bed "I can barely find a way to live without Jordan, I won't be able to without you. I need you to come back, you have so much more to do,"

He needed to wake up.

I sat their crying for what felt like hours.

How are we going to get through this? We'd always said we'd stay together no matter what. Death wasn't thought of though with that 'no matter what'.

I wanted nothing more than to just leave. Be anywhere but here, with my friends. My family. All of them.

I hear someone walk in, expecting it to be one of my friends or brothers. But look up to see none other than my grandfather standing there.

"Hi Bailey-Belle," he states

"I'm not dealing with this," I go to walk out, but I stop at the sound of his voice

"It's just me," he says "I told her to stay home,"

I feel myself somewhat relax. He knew better.

I'd never had an issue with my grandfather other than the fact that he didn't stick up for us in terms of my grandmother.

"Thank you," I huff sitting back down

We both just sat in his room quietly.

Beyond awkward.

He was hurt, I could tell. I honestly had no idea how to talk to him. I was hurt too.

"Why are you here?"

"Your father told me what happened," he states, and for the first time in my life, I see my grandfather cry "I'm so sorry Bailey,"

"I am too," I nod, wiling myself not to cry in front of my grandfather

"I mean for everything," he continues as he sits across from me "You and your brother and friends have all become amazing young men and women, and I should not have let her treat you the way she has."

"Thank you," I tear up, that's all I've wanted from him. He was my papa and one of my favorite people when I was a kid, he never talked to us in the way that Kathy did, but he also never stuck up for us either.

"I regret everyday, letting her control my relationship with you kids,"

"It's not too late," I tell him but he just glanced at Beck.

It may have been.

"I know," he nods and we're both quiet again. "I'm sorry about Jordan, I missed the service but I left flowers, Lillies I remember him saying he liked those ones,"

I almost laugh at the notion. My grandfather had taken us fishing when we were like eight, and the fish freaked Jordan out. So while my brothers, Caleb and Em all fished, Jordan and I ran around picking flowers and grass. Jordan picked a yellow Lilly and carried with him the whole day cause hey thought it was cool.

I just nod, teary eyed.

We were back to silence again, just looking at Beck. In the comatose state he was in.

I hated it.

All of this.

So fucking much.

We sat there for a while. Not speaking nor anything, but the awkwardness just kind of disappeared. It was normal, I guess.

I turned my attention to the tv, watching whatever was on. The only thing bringing my attention away being the haywire beeping of the monitors, and the jerking motions my brother has been making.

"Get the nurse!" I yell to my grandfather who was already halfway out the door as I pressed the call button.

In seconds the room was swarmed with nurses and doctors.

"What's happening?!" I yell and cry at the same time as I step out of the way alongside my grandfather

"No-no this is good," Becks charge nurse, Diane, leads us out, "he's rejecting the breathing tube,"

"Wait-are you-"

"Saying he's awake? Yes sweetheart I am," he smiles at me and I just about collapse in her arm "He's awake,"

"Thank you so much," I cry into her shoulder as she holds me,

"Of course," she says quietly, gently rubbing my back "I have to go call your family, just wat out here okay?"

"Okay," I nod, letting her go

"He's awake," my grandfather runs a hand down his face "Oh thank god," he and I both break down right then and there.

"I have to call Arrex," I pull my phone out, clicking my brothers name, within seconds he's picking up

"What's wrong B? Are you okay? Where are you?" He spouts off before I can say anything. I could tell her was sleeping.

"I-I'm fine," my voice raspy form that the crying "Who's there with you?"

"Kazer and Ace are here," he says "Where are you?"

"I'm at the hospital," I sniffle

In the background I hear shuffling around and my boyfriends voice asking if I'm okay.

"Guys he's awake," I start to cry at the best news we've gotten this week.

"He's what?" He questions, not fully comprehending the situation

"Beck's awake."