Back at my hotel I ordered food that I wouldn't normally eat but after today I think I deserved to eat something fat and greasy and enjoy it. I requested a double cheeseburger with ALL the fixings, I'm talking lettuce, tomato, onion, pickles, mushrooms and a fried egg, with a basket of friends. I pulled out a bottle of soju and drank straight from it until a third of it was in my stomach then took an overestimated bite of the burger.

"Mmm. Mhmmm perfect" I said to no one while nodding my head in approval. Even with the amount of food I was consuming I still felt the alcohol making its presence known.

My Korean genes won in the battle of 'will I be able to drink or will I drown?' To be fair my asian glow isn't as severe as others but I could never keep up with my black side of the family but I'm sure I could out drink my Korean family. When I drank I became a little clingy and being alone 95% didn't help with that issue. In my buzzed state of mind I called Minji.

"Ma-ri, is everything okay?"

"Yeah, I was umm, I was wondering if you wanted to come- hiccup -excuse me, come to my hotel room"

"Uh okay, yeah I can come if you want me to" she sounded skeptical. She should be. If I wasn't drinking I probably wouldn't have called her

"Great! I will send my driver to pick you up, bye" I hung up before she could say another word. I arranged for her pickup and took another drink and finished my burger and fries so they could absorb some of the alcohol.

Thirty minutes later she knocked at my door so I went to let her in. She came in and gawked a little at the room.

"Wow this is a really fancy room, no wonder you didn't want to stay at our house" she slipped off her shoes off

"Partly. Mostly because I don't know you all that well" I stumbled a little back to my bed

"You've been drinking" she says, setting her purse on the dresser only for it to fall over. She immediately picked up and closed it up.

"I have. Want some?"

"Sure, why not?" I gave her an unopened bottle and a glass.

"Are you hungry? I just had the best burger ever I could order you one" Minji shook her head

"No thanks, we've got plenty of food from friends and neighbors" she replies after taking her drink to the head "You should come met the rest of the family tomorrow"

"I won't make drunken promises"

"They want to meet you, we all did"

"I don't think your mother did" she shrugged then swallowed another.

"Did you actually want to meet us or did you feel obligated to come back to Korea? I was happy you agreed to come but you clearly don't want to be here so why did you really come back?"

Her words struck a chord. A simple straightforward question of why and suddenly I didn't know. I thought I would get closure or maybe I was secretly curious about them or was I just a glutton for punishment and liked torturing myself with the pain from my past. It would sound incredibly strange to say I felt a pull, something drawing me back here after spending over a decade away.

"Honestly, I can't narrow it down to one thing but the strongest urge came from something inside me. Deep down, I knew I would come back here someday even though I swore I wouldn't but I've always felt like something was pulling me back but I ignored it. I guess his funeral was the excuse I needed to try figuring out why I feel like I have to be here" Minji listens intently, like she was thinking about it too and wants to figure it out for me.

"Do you have any good memories of dad?" Okay, she is definitely my sister. No beating around the bush, I wonder if it's the soju or her natural demeanor.

"Some"

"Like what? Tell me one"

"My sixth birthday, he bought me a big kid bike and taught me how to ride it" A faint smile danced on my lips at the memory "I was terrified of falling so he held the bike with one hand and me with the other. He eventually let me go and I was doing good until I rolled over a rock that made me lose my balance and fall off. He came running over to check on me and I was fine, I landed in grass but I cried anyway because he let me go, because he wasn't there to hold me"

Minji stayed quiet as I took a moment to reflect and I felt like I could cry again. I missed him so much when he left me and my mom. I felt six years old again except he didn't come running up to me ten seconds later to pick me up and kiss my cheeks until I laughed.

"I remembered that day he promised to always be there to pick me up when I fell. So imagine my surprise when he dropped me, leaving me alone and crying my eyes out for him to help me up and kiss it all better like he always did"

Minji's eyes turned sad and she blinked slowly as she took her third shot of alcohol. I took a generous swig from my bottle, turning away from her as a sign of respect for my elder.

"I can't simply think of the good memories I have with him because all of them automatically connect to the day he walked out of our lives forever. Minji I loved dad. I love him so much but over time that same love turned into hatred that is rooted much deeper than I ever wanted it to do"

"I can't completely understand how you feel but I felt a sense of anger with him for a long time after he came back. Like you said earlier he left my mom too, she kind of drove him away but still he left. He was gone for twelve years of my life then just pops up one random day with barely an explanation as to where he's been or why he suddenly came back. It was hard, my mother found out she was pregnant with Minsu a month after he was gone, at that point she was already around six weeks, and now had to worry about supporting two children without her husband. I was 14 when he came back and I barely remembered him. If mom hadn't talked about him and showed us pictures I'm sure I would have forgotten him completely and Minsu would have never known him.

Minji swallowed another drink and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. Her words marinated in my mind. I had not thought of their situation like that, they barely knew they had a father because he was gone for the first half of their lives and still were able to forgive him. Made me wonder if I would ever be able to allow myself to properly heal.

"I know what he did hurt you and I hate that it happened I really do but you've got to let it go because you can't change anything about the past and now he's dead." She stated plain and simple "Do you really want to spend the rest of your life angry at a dead man who is longer conscious of anything in this world? He can't apologize and he can't make amends, it sucks but these are the facts Ma-ri. Dad fucked up but that's in the past now and dwelling on it just to keep the fire raging has to be exhausting, even if you never forgive him I hope you move on. Your hurt and anger and general disposition on people is killing you and I hoped I could get to know my baby sister beyond the tumultuous relationship with our father"

She was right.

No matter how many angles I try to look at it from, the fact remains that dad was dead and I would never get the apology or explanation I desperately wanted, that I deserved, for me or my mom. I had already spent so much of my life in a state of perpetual grief, sadness and anger and honestly, I was tired.

A heavy, realizing sigh blew past my slightly parted lips as I slowly blinked to fight back another round of tears.

"You're right," I said, looking into her eyes. We sat in silence for a few minutes before either of us spoke again and it was my sister who broke the silence.

"It won't be easy and it will take time but I promise you'll feel better, lighter and I will help you if you allow me too. Me and Minsu want to be apart of your life and we both want you to be in our lives from now on"

"Thank you Min-Ji" I leaned forward to hug her and she quickly threw her arms around me "I'd like that"

"Me too" we pulled away and she climbed off my bed "I'm gonna head back home now, we got a lot of family coming in tomorrow and I know mom is going to have us up at the ass crack of dawn to clean and prepare everything. I hope we see you tomorrow"

I nodded "I'll be there. I'm not coming at the ass crack of dawn though " she giggled "Thank you for coming here tonight"

"You're welcome, just don't regret it when you're sober tomorrow"

"I won't" I walked her to the door and watched her down the hallway until she got on the elevator. I had arranged for my driver to take her back home.

After Minji left I cleared off my bed and tossed the trash. I should have showered again but I was too tired so I just undressed down to my panties then put on a tanked top and climbed in bed to sleep.

Before I fell asleep I spent a while thinking about everything. My mom, my dad, my newfound siblings and my life overall. I've always felt like I never really had people care about me since losing my parents but maybe I was just pushing people away all this time.

When I went back to the states I was traumatized and mad. I was abandoned by my father at 11 and saw, firsthand, the aftermath of my mom's suicide three years later at the age of 14. The whole time I lived in Korea the kids at school teased, bullied and tortured me for looking different, speaking broken Korean then for being fatherless. It was hell. I couldn't defend myself and the teachers and authority figures weren't much help either. I had no friends and didn't know much of my family on my mom's side until I went to live with my grandma but by then I was so damaged that none of my cousins, aunts or uncles had much tolerance for me.

My grandmother was as patient as she could be with me. Looking back I felt bad for making it so hard for her when I lost my mother, she lost a daughter. I don't know how she was able to hold it together so well.

"I need to call her," I said to myself. Eventually my mind and my body gave into the sleep pulling on my eyelids. I remember dreaming that night and seeing that guy's face from the billboard and the storefront poster in my dream.