Your eyes widened and you almost fell off the bar stool you were sitting on. You gripped the edge of the counter so hard your knuckles turned white. "You...what?"

Lin let out a deep sigh, resting his elbow on the counter and digging one hand into his hair. "I knew what I was doing," he repeated tiredly.

"No, you..." Your mind couldn't even process it. It was completely frozen. "You...you didn't. You didn't. You were drunk. I was drunk. Evy was drunk. We were all drunk," you reasoned almost desperately.

"I wasn't that drunk," he muttered, then met your eyes, seeming strangely pained.

"Then..." You stared down at your drink, not wanting to continue staring into his eyes. "Why?" You sputtered out. "Why would you..." This was too much for you to grasp.

"I honestly don't know," Lin said, sitting up. "All I know is I wanted to kiss you. I remember that. I just don't know why."

You felt yourself deflate a bit. Lin wasn't admitting he had any kind of feelings for you. He was only admitting an attraction, a brief, fleeting feeling that didn't go beyond the surface. "Oh," you forced out, not sure what else to say.

"I'm sorry that puts you in a weird position," he continued, now seeming more business-like. "I hope it doesn't strain your and Leslie's relationship."

"I haven't told him," you said, taking a sip of your drink. You looked over with a steady gaze. "Have you told Evy?"

Lin looked away. "No."

You were both quiet for a moment.

"Should we tell them?" you asked softly.

Lin paused, but only for a moment. "I'm going to tell Evy," he said with more confidence than he looked like he had. "I won't tell you what to do, but that's what I'm going to do."

You nodded, sighing, already knowing that that meant you had to tell Leslie.

"Hey, Les."

You walked up to Leslie the next day after rehearsal, your chest tight with anxiety. You knew he deserved to know. But how much?

"Hey," he greeted with a smile, kissing you on the cheek. He noticed your nervous expression and concern spread over his face. "What's wrong?"

"Can we talk?"

"Yeah, of course."

You followed Leslie into his dressing room, where you gently shut the door.

"So what's going on?" he asked.

"Um..." You had to do it. It had to be done. "It's nothing super bad. I mean, it's kind of bad, but definitely not as bad as it could be, if you know what I mean."

"...What?"

"On the double date night, Lin and I almost kissed," you burst out, and felt both relief and guilt flood you all at once.

Leslie's face fell and his jaw went slack.

Before he could say anything, you continued. "It was nothing serious or anything. We were both drunk and had just been dancing like crazy and the DJ stupidly turned on a love song and we just got caught up in the moment." You tried to get out every excuse for what happened as you could.

He stood there for a moment, his arms crossed and his face scrunched up as he tried to process what you said.

It was silent for a full awkward minute, and you just stood there messing with your fingers as dread filled you.

"You and Lin almost kissed," he stated finally, as if saying it out loud would help it make more sense.

"Yeah, but-"

"On our double date."

"Well, yeah, but-"

"On our double date where I was your date and Lin was Evy's date."

"Yes, but Les-"

"How could you do that?" he asked weakly, finally meeting your eyes. "I mean..." He shook his head, scoffing. "I can't even believe it. I can't even imagine you and Lin cheating on anybody."

"But we didn't," you said quickly. "And Leslie, I know it sounds so bad, but we were really drunk. Neither of us knew what we were doing, and it meant nothing."

"Really? It meant nothing?" Leslie looked at you tiredly and skeptically.

You felt a pang in your chest. "Yes, it meant nothing. You know Lin really likes Evy. And I really like you."

"But not as much as you like Lin." He said it as if it was a fact, a solid, indisputable fact.

Your jaw was clenched tightly before you let out a quick breath. "I-I did have some feelings for Lin when I first met him, but I don't anymore. As soon as I found out he was dating my best friend, I-"

"Decided you needed to get over him?" Leslie guessed. "And you used me to do that?" He said it so casually.

"No," you said immediately. "I got over him by myself. Once you see the guy you like and your best friend lock lips, you kind of stop being attracted to him," you said with a lightheartedly, but quickly went back to being serious once you saw Leslie's still stone expression.

"I don't think that's right," he said firmly. "I think you're using me to get over Lin."

Guilt stabbed you. "No, Leslie-"

"I think we should take a break."

You almost said "From the one date we've been on?" but quickly decided against it. You weren't even sure what you and Leslie were yet. What were you taking a break from?

"Okay," you tried to say, but barely made a sound.

Leslie nodded, and you noticed hurt break through his stoic expression as he grabbed his backpack. He walked past you and out the door, leaving you alone with so much guilt that you felt like you were going to explode.

You shut the door, then slid down it, bringing your knees up to your chest.

For some reason, you didn't feel like you were about to cry. No part of you felt like sobbing pathetically. The only negative emotion you felt was guilt. That was it.

You realized that you felt relieved. Were you relieved just to have told him? Or that he knew the truth?

Or, even worse, were you relieved that things were basically over between you? You had liked Leslie, but he was right- not as much as you had liked Lin.

You leaned your head against the door, closing your eyes tightly.

You were a mess.

"Hey, Lin."

You had called Lin once you got home, needing someone to talk to who had possibly gone through the same thing.

"Hey, Y/N."

You were pacing in your bedroom as the sun set, sending streams of light into your room that you barely noticed.

"Um, have you told Evy yet?" you asked.

"Oh, yeah. I met up with her before rehearsal."

When he didn't continue, you pressed on. "And what happened?"

"Oh, she was okay with it."

Confusion filled you. Evy was okay with it? The Evy you'd grown up with who freaked out when restaurants put the tomatoes on her burger she'd specifically asked them not to? "...Really?"

"Yeah. I told her we were drunk and confused and that it didn't mean anything, and she said it was okay."

Anger suddenly replaced your surprise. Why did Lin always get the best of everything?

It wasn't fair to be angry, you knew that, and you really had no reason to be, but you just couldn't help it.

But why did he get to have someone who didn't care that he'd almost kissed someone else? Why did he get two people who couldn't get him off of their minds?

"...Y/N?"

"Hm?" you snapped back to reality, and realized you still hadn't said anything.

"Are you okay? What happened with Leslie?"

"We're taking a 'break', whatever that means," you sighed, rubbing your forehead.

"Did Leslie suggest that?"

You nodded, even though he couldn't see you. "Yeah. I mean, I guess it makes sense, 'cause of what happened."

"No, no."

You were surprised by the authority in his tone.

"If Evy can understand, so can Leslie. It was a drunken almost-mistake. Nothing even happened. He should understand that."

"No, Lin, I..." There was much more to it. More than you wanted to admit. "I told him I used to have feelings for you. That made it worse, so he called things off."

Lin's end was uncharacteristically silent.

"Lin?"

There was a pause. "I'm sorry, you... you used to have feelings for me?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry if that makes things awkward, but I did, so." You were in a really honest mood, and couldn't seem to stop throwing up the truth all over everyone who didn't want to hear it.

"No, that's fine, I just... didn't know."

Uncomfortable silence.

"Okay, well, I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yep, sounds good."

You hung up hurriedly, finally stopping your pacing to kick your bed angrily. "Great great great great great great," you muttered, frustrated with everything.

You flopped down on your bed, letting out a sigh.

Rehearsal for the next couple weeks was a blur of songs being cut, songs being added, new choreography, and changes in blocking.

Leslie was a good actor. He knew how to be perfectly professional on stage while mostly ignoring you off stage. It's not like you really saw him often, anyway. Burr and Angelica were almost never on stage at the same time, and when you were off stage, he was on, and vice versa. It kind of worked out.

Lin and the directors, Alex Lacamoire and Tommy Kail, were shooting for the first performance to be in the middle of January, which was only three months away. You knew you were going to be ready by then, but right now, it just seemed like so much still needed to be done.

And it quickly became obvious that the "break" you and Leslie were on was a permanent one. It was clear that that was what he had really wanted, but had been too polite to say anything.

You approached him after rehearsal one day and apologized profusely, saying you didn't expect to be friends, but you would still like things to be amicable between you. Leslie agreed and even apologized for how he handled things, and you felt like a weight had been lifted.

All that was left was Lin.

You went out to the parking lot and caught him just before he got into his car.

"Lin."

He turned, and smiled when he saw you. "Hey."

"Hey, so, I just wanted to say sorry."

Confusion crossed his face. "For what?"

"You know a couple weeks ago, when I admitted I used to like you? It wasn't really fair for me to just tell you that out of the blue, and especially with what almost happened, so I'm sorry," you talked quickly, nervous, but knowing that it needed to be addressed.

"Oh, no, it's totally fine."

"Okay, good." You gave him a small smile, and he stuck his hands in his pockets.

He was wearing a classic Lin ensemble: jeans, his trademark grey sweater, and he had his long hair in a loose ponytail.

"So what ended up happening with Leslie?" he wondered. "If you don't mind me asking."

"No, it's cool, um, we broke up."

His eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Really?"

You glanced at the ground. "Yeah."

Lin smoothed down his ponytail, letting out a breath. "Dang. I'm really sorry, Y/N." He looked down at his sneakers. "I kind of feel like it's my fault."

"It's not your fault," you said immediately. "It takes two to almost kiss."

He let out a little laugh. "Still." He met your eyes again. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," you reassured. "I probably shouldn't have even gone out with him in the first place," slipped out, and you felt your cheeks burn. Crap. I didn't mean to say that.

"Why?"

"Well." You blew out a breath. "It's just, I still kind of liked you when he asked me out. It wasn't really fair to him that I said yes."

Lin's expression was frozen. "You uh..." He rubbed the back of his neck and chuckled nervously. "You had feelings for me a couple weeks ago?"

Your cheeks heated even more. "Kind of," you squeaked. "But I'm totally over it now," you added smoothy.

He nodded, his eyes wide and his expression still as he stared at the ground. "Right."

Crap. You had just made things worse, hadn't you? You had meant to fix things, and had only made it worse. Great.

"Okay, see you later," you said quickly, turning away.

Lin grabbed your arm, and you turned around, meeting his eyes.

"Y/N..." His eyebrows were low, and vulnerability was shining in his chocolate eyes.

You suddenly realized what he was trying to say, what he wanted to say but couldn't, what should've been said a long time ago but what you had both been afraid to say. "Don't," you said, your voice breaking at the end as your face scrunched up with pain.

You had feelings for Lin. You knew that, deep down, no matter how much you wanted to block it out and cover it up and pretend so that you wouldn't get hurt.

But you also loved Evy. She was your best friend. She had always been there for you. She was like a sister to you. What kind of friend would you be if you took away her boyfriend? Even if it was unintentional?

Lin's eyebrows went even lower, and you saw hurt in his eyes, but also the realization that you were right, that he couldn't. That he shouldn't.

You gave him a weak smile, then hurried away to your car, your heart beating loudly and fast in your chest, and your mind full of a million thoughts that jumbled together and made it hard to focus on pulling out your keys.

One thing was certain.

You had to get over Lin-Manuel Miranda.

Fast.

A/N: Holy crap this chapter is so angsty, sorry about that. Also sorry it wasn't very well-written, I don't have an excuse expect that I'm too lazy to go back and edit it.