2000

Spring Sophomore schedule went as follows:

Mondays and Wednesday: Russian Literature, Modern Political Topics

Tuesdays and Thursdays: Greek and Roman Humanities, Harlem Literature

War and Peace was the biggest book I'd ever stuffed in my bag and we were supposed to read the first 200 pages before the first day of class. I had to buy a notebook to keep up with the names because I panicked about 30 pages in. The weight of Tolstoy did not stop my excitement at arriving at the Atrium early the first day.

Jon was the first fool I spotted, and he hugged me, lifting me off the floor and I dimly heard him tell me excitedly about his Cancun vacation. No wonder Victor had not been in his house, he'd not been there. My eyes roamed the people that kept coming in and I had a dim sense of panic when I saw I had a class in five minutes, but Victor had not shown. I could not see his tall frame over the people. I had no choice but to rush to class and sit in that literature class waring in my own head, demanding I explain to myself why I was such a mess. When had Victor Manning dictated how I felt, how I smiled, how I lived?

I spotted Yara looking a little lost when my Russian class finally finished, I rushed down to her and she gave me a relieved smile. She had a class which she didn't know where it was so I walked her to it, I had an hour off and would wait for her to finish at the library. I had another 100 pages to read for War and Peace. There was a gnawing emptiness in me which I knew was a Victor-shaped hole but if he had taken the semester off, I would never know, and I would never see him again. My stomach lurched.

All my worrying was for nothing because I ran smack into him as I turned the corner of Yara's classroom. His hand quickly reached out to steady me and when I looked up at him, I could not help but give him a brilliant smile and I threw my hands over him, hugging him. I felt him stiffen under me but then he hugged me, thick and steady.

"Where the hell have you been?" I asked when he let go of me. I smacked his chest, almost fondly as the tight white tee under his sweater greeted me.

He shrugged. "Took off for Christmas, went with the family to Texas to see Dad's family."

"Why didn't you tell me? And your phone!"

He rubbed at the back of his neck, not looking at me. "I changed it."

I studied him; he avoided my eyes. "What's going on?"

He glanced down at me, his throat working up and down. "Nothing is going on. I heard Yara is back."

I nodded, still looking at him.

"Why are you carrying a brick?"

I looked down at my hand. "I have to read it for Russian Literature."

He took it from me, flipping the pages and smiling a little at my pink and green flags with notations. I watched his strong fingers and I felt a pang of loss as if he were already past my reach.

"I miss you," I said and he looked at me. He handed me back my book and started walking next to me.

"Texas was last minute."

He looked out the tall windows that bathed the upper floor with January sun. Florida was beautiful in January. Crisp air, bright sunshine, blue skies, it was a wonder to me that people came in the Summer at all. Florida was for the winter.

"What classes do you have this semester?" I was grasping, I felt he wanted to walk away from me, and I didn't understand it. I didn't know how to keep him.

He pulled out his schedule and wordlessly handed it to me. Science and math, he was filled with science and math classes. We didn't share anything this time. No reason for us to study together, no reason to meet up in the library. My throat slid closed as I handed him back his paper. I stopped on my tracks, blinking as the sun blinded me, and turned to him.

"Are you angry at me?" I asked.

He smiled a little and shook his head. "No, Becky-girl. I'm not angry at you."

"I ran into Crystal last month," I licked my lips. "What happened?"

He shrugged, looking anywhere but at me. "Wasn't so into her."

I nodded.

"It was a nice try on your part," he said.

"I thought you liked her."

"She's a nice girl."

"But?"

He pursed his lips. "But I just didn't feel like myself with her. Plus, I don't think I want anything serious. Maybe I should play the field with Jon. Mess around."

God, what was up with me? I felt an ulcer burning in the mouth of my stomach.

"OK."

"You'd be fine with that?" He arched a brow.

"With you guys playing the field?" I glanced at the windows. "Yeah. Sure."

"I'll tell you all about it then," he said.

I rolled my eyes. "Please don't."

"Why not? That's what friends are for."

I turned to him, he clutched at his bag with white knuckles and he seemed taller than ever or maybe I was finally wearing sneakers and didn't bother with my tall wedges.

"Victor I –"

And doors to classrooms were thrown open and students spilled into the hallway, passing between us even as we stared at each other through a sea of people.

"I have class," I said and he nodded, turning and walking away from me.

Something had broken. I stood in that hallway with our friendship in a wet cardboard box. I blinked back the sourness in my eyes and walked to class, the box heavy in my arms, soaking me to my core.

×××

The first three weeks of class were awful. My grades were wonderful, I was happy to see my friends, but Victor was missing. He was physically there, as he'd always been, but he was gone.

"I thought you and Victor were closer," Yara mentioned to me one day.

"We were," I said highlighting a passage of my book.

"What happened?"

"Fuck do I know," I snarled, digging the highlighter until the page peeled in neon green strips. I cursed.

Yara watched me and then turned to glance at the boys who were laughing about some new conquest they had managed. I could not be around them when they started with that stupidity. Lately, it had been worse than ever, I could not keep up with the number of girls they hooked up with. Honestly, it made me sick.

"Is he in love with you?"

I looked up at her startled. "Who?"

She rolled her eyes. "Victor."

"No!"

She looked me up and down and I felt sweat collect in my collar.

"Are you in love with him?"

"No! You have it all wrong, we're fr-friends."

Yara stared me down with a raised brow. She had gained a lot of her beauty focusing on herself and her schoolwork. It looked good on her. She was starting to garner the same attention she always did and she was basking in it.

"Guys and girls cannot be friends," she said.

"Yes, they can, Yara. I'm friends with tons of guys," I sighed.

"Do you find Victor physically attractive?"

I glanced at the boys, Victor had his head thrown back laughing at something Jon had said and I was suddenly quite angry because he had not laughed with me like that in a long time.

"Yes, I mean he's handsome, you can see that," I said and went back to highlighting.

"And you're very pretty, Becka. You've bloomed since High School," she looked me up and down and I wasn't sure she was happy with my changes.

I let out a dramatic sigh and pierced her with a look. "And?"

"You find him hot; I can assure you he feels the same about you," she said rather practically. "It's difficult to hold a platonic relationship for someone you are mildly attracted to."

I put down my highlighter and leaned back. "We don't need to dissect this."

Yara shrugged, looking back at the guys. "I'm just saying that suddenly you guys are not as close. What happened, did you guys accidentally kiss?"

The look in my face must have said it all because she let out a delightful laugh.

"Oh my god, when?"

I felt hot all over, just thinking of climbing over him and assaulting him. "Months ago. We were fine, he even started dating Crystal."

"Who you pushed on him," she pointed at me with the chewed-up end of her pen.

"He liked her!"

"So much so that he dumped her," Yara was smiling like a Cheshire cat.

I ignored her. "The kiss meant nothing; it was a mistake. It was impulsive."

She was quiet for a while and I thought we had both gone back to studying then I heard Jon let out a hoop and I watched as the guys went out. To Burger King. Without me. My stomach burned.

"Who kissed who?" Yara said suddenly and I realized she had been staring at me.

"I did. I kissed him. In his car. In front of Burger King."

"Did he reciprocate?"

My mind, unbidden to me, went back to that moment. Pressed against him. His hands in my hair, his cock hard under his jeans and between my legs. My core burned and I wished, I wished for that moment I had allowed it to go further. To know what it felt to have him inside of me.

"Yes."

A squeak, that was all my voice was. A little mousey squeak. I could not trust myself to think more about that kiss.

"And then what happened?" She was all leaning forward with eager eyes.

"Nothing happened, I pulled back and apologized!"

People turned to stare at us, and I glared at Yara for even bringing this entire situation up.

"Apologized?" She looked stunned. "You apologized?"

"Yes! I thought I had ruined our relationship!"

She let out a laugh of incredulity. "Oh, Becky-girl!"

"I said to please forget about it," I was burning red.

"And what did he say?" She was practically on my lap in anticipation.

I thought back to his words, words I had not wanted to dwell on. "He said... he said he would not forget about it. That he would remember it."

I looked at Yara when she gasped, she was clutching her chest, and her eyes were wide. "Oh my god, he's in love with you."

"He is not," I said with emphasis. "He's... he sees me as a little sister."

"That he remembers kissing."

I let out a frustrated breath and started gathering up my things.

"Becka, c'mon, you can't be that blind," Yara said. "He's putting distance between you because he loves you and he doesn't think you love him back."

"This is not what this is!" I zipped up my bag rather forcefully. "I'm not – Victor doesn't go for girls like me!"

"What do you mean, what are you saying?"

"Yeah, it's hard for you to understand because you look the way you do. You're used to guys just dropping around you while I've had to beg for attention."

Yara stood up with me. "Becka. Stop, what are you saying? Have you even seen how he looks at you?"

"Stop it!" I yelled and now people were truly looking at us. "And you won't say a word about any of this to him, promise me right now."

She looked at me defiantly.

"Promise it, Yahaira." I said.

"I promise it," she said but she was not happy about it, her eyes were burning right into me. "I won't say a word, but you have to stop and take a good long look at how you're acting."