And I remember when I met him, it was so clear that

he was the only one for me.

We both knew it, right away.

And as the years went on, things got more difficult --

we were faced with more challenges.

I begged him to stay. Try to remember what

we had at the beginning. He was charismatic, magnetic,

electric and everybody knew it. When he walked in

every woman's head turned, everyone stood up

to talk to him. He was like this hybrid, this mix of

a man who couldn't contain himself.

I always got the sense that he became torn

between being a good person and

missing out on all of the opportunities that life could

offer a man as magnificent as him.

And in that way I understood him

and I loved him.

I loved him, I loved him, I loved him.

And I still love him.

I love him.

-Lana del Rey. I Still Love Him monologue

♥♥♥♥♥

"B, I already booked our flight home. It's going to be two days from now so we would still have time to wrap things up from work etc."

Amy and I are already packing our luggage in her room.

"Aren't you going to tell me what happened?" Said Amy.

"I have nothing to tell you A." If I tell her about what happened I don't know if she's going to forgive me, Nikolai or Alexei.

"Where did you sleep last night?"

"At a hotel."

"Why?" Dammit Amy!

"A, can you please let this one go?"

My heart jumped when Amy's mood suddenly changed.

"No! I moved all the way here just to make sure you're okay. Hell I even left Ana, my sick mother, just to make sure you are fine. You cant just brush me off like this!"

I feel like my heart is being crushed. I did not answer my bestfriend. I continued collecting my things.

"Arabella! You don't get to do this to me!" Amy is now hysterical.

"I said I don't want to talk about it Amy! I'm sorry for taking you away from Ana. We are going home so you can attend to her."

"You one selfish bitch!!!!!" Amy said screaming at me. "Just yesterday you chose to be with your gangster boyfriend and now that things went awry you just decide to suddenly go home without even giving me any explanation? The past few weeks, my life had been dependent on your decisions B!!! You at least owe me honesty!"

I can't stand it any longer. I feel like I'm being choked so I walked away from her.

"Yes, that's right! Get lost again so everyone will get out of their way just to look for you."

I took a halt and went to face Amy. Her arms are now intertwined in front of her and she's full on bitch mode.

"Did I ask you to come and move here A? No! Did I ask for your help when I was at my lowest? No! Did I tell Dylan to get me from the motel? No! Did I ask Nikolai and Alexei to look for me A? No!!! Nikolai broke my heart so I wanted to move on with my life. I never dragged you into this! I never dragged anyone into this. You made a choice!"

Amy and I are in the middle of an argument when all of a sudden the doorbell rang. Good riddance.

I walked away from Amy and went to the main door. My eyes widened when I see Yuri, he's wearing his usual black suit and his serious self.

"Yuri?"

"Madamme, it's the Bosses."

I feel like my heart jumped out of my chest. Oh god what could have happened that made Yuri come here.

"What happened?"

Yuri did not say a word. I know something must be really wrong. I could never forgive myself if anything happens to Nikolai and Alexei because of me.

"Wait here Yuri."

I quickly went back to our room to change clothes since I'm already wearing my sleep clothes.

"What are you doing? Where are you going?" Amy said.

I did not answer her. She then glances at the window and I think that she saw the black SUV parked outside.

"Are you fucking kidding me right now B?"

"Nikolai and Alexei need me. I have to go."

I was about to exit the door when suddenly Amy exclaimed. "The moment go out, you are not welcome here anymore. You are on your own B."

I did not think twice. I decided to go. I know Amy can forgive me but I wont be able to forgive myself if something happens to Nikolai and Alexei.

Before I could exit the house, I heard Amy scream, "B!!!! Don't you dare come back anymore!"

Yuri is still standing outside the door as he waits for me. "Let's go Yuri."

♥♥♥♥♥

The atmosphere inside the car is still and quiet, perhaps too quiet. It's like a prelude to whatever disaster I'm going to witness. Nobody talked inside the car. Yuri is on the front passenger seat while Boris drives. I know these two never leaves Nikolai's side. What could have happened to the two?

"Yuri, please tell me that Nikolai is okay."

He did not say a word.

"Yuri, if you cant tell me if he's okay can you at least tell me that he's alive?"

"Yes Madamme."

"How about Alexei?"

"Yes."

I felt so relieved to hear that they are both alive. This means I still have a chance to fix this mess. I remember what Matushka Irene told me. If I decide to go back to their lives, I have to be tough, even tougher than Nikolai and Alexei. I cant believe I am even thinking about this right now. Is this me choosing to go back to their lives?

A few minutes later we arrived at a cemetery. The place is dark with few lights on. There are at least four black cars parked in the driveway. There are several men standing next to the cars but most of them are scattered surrounding someone. The men are facing our direction.

I quickly jumped out of the car and ran towards the middle. My heart sunk when I saw Nikolai, dropped to the ground, face down. He is in the middle of two graves. One is Yelena's and the other is of his father, Vyacheslav Roustam Volkov.

I quickly knelt beside him to turn him around.

"Nikolai..." I can smell the strong smell of alcohol and cigar on Nikolai. Oh god, he has been drinking. And since when did Nikolai started smoking? I have never ever smelled cigar on Nikolai before.

"Nikolai.." I held his beautiful face.

He flickered his eyes as he tries to look at me.

"Baby? Why are you here?" Said Nikolai, his voice is hoarse and he's totally inebriated. Dammit how long has this man been drinking?

"I'm here to get you." At this point my tears are already threatening to fall. This is the first time I have seen Nikolai so vulnerable. He looks so defeated.

"I don't deserve you. What I did to you last night...." He did not continue with what he was about to say. His eyes are full of remorse. "I'm sorry baby. I keep on begging forgiveness from Yelena but she's not saying a word."

Nikolai is broken. I can see it in his defeated eyes. I can't imagine how alone he must be feeling right now.

"It's okay. Everything's going to be okay Nikolai." Nikolai rested his head on my lap.

"Let's go home Nikolai." He looks surprised when he heard the word home. He then looks me in the eyes as if pleading that I say the word again.

"Yes, we are going home. I'm staying."

Nikolai then wraps his arms around my waist.

"I'm sorry baby."

I could not even count how many times Nikolai asked for my forgiveness. I just let his head rest on my lap. I place my hand on his head, and the other one on his arm. We stayed in this position for a long time. The wind is blowing my hair as chills run down my spine.

This man who is in the ground, begging for my forgiveness is the boss of the Russian Mafia. He is also the love of my life. My first love and most probably my last. He saved my life a couple of times and protected me even if I always end up being hurt. Matushka Irene was right, Nikolai and Alexei are complicated men. A lifetime is not enough to fully understand them. One way to start understanding is accepting them, all them, Mafia and all.

I look at Nikolai's face and I instantly remember what happened last night. This man ruined me and broke my heart into pieces.

I look up and stare at the night sky. I myself am surprised by the depth of my love towards Nikolai. I still love him with all my heart and soul despite the countless heartaches, blood, and tears. I love this man.

♥♥♥♥♥

A few minutes later I decided to call on Yuri to help me out with Nikolai.

"Yuri please."

Yuri and Boris then quickly helped me with Nikolai.

While in the car, Nikolai has already passed out. His head is resting on my lap.

"Yuri, how long has Nikolai been drinking?"

"Since last night Madamme, after the party" Oh my god. No wonder he looks so wasted.

"Let's go get Alexei."

"Yes, Madamme." Yuri replied.

One car went ahead of us while the three others are following from behind.

The fast beating of my heart doesn't seem to ease up. I am actually terrified by the fact that I might see Alexei on the same state as Nikolai. I know Alexei blames himself for what happened last night. All he really wanted was to get our family back together, but things quickly went out of control.

A few minutes later we arrived at a club.

"Yuri, stay with Nikolai."

At this point I feel like my hands are as cold as ice.

Boris and five other men escorted me inside. We instantly went past the security at the entrance. I'm pretty sure, the Russian Mafia owns this place as well.

The club is already packed and the loud music boomed the moment we stepped inside. Boris went directly to the VIP lounges. We passed through several lounges already when I saw Boris halt in front of Alexei's two men. My eyes widened when I saw Alexei. He is sitting on his side resting his head on the sofa's back rest. He is with the woman from Dile and another woman I do not recognize. They are prowling around Alexei who is now clearly flat out drunk. When the woman from Dile saw me, she instantly changed to full bitch mode. She attempted to come close to me, I wanted to tell her not do what I think she's planning to do because of Boris but it's too late. The moment that Boris saw that she took one step towards me, the big man grabbed her on her arm and throws her towards the other men. The other one quickly stood up and left the lounge.

I scooted beside Alexei and moved his head to face me.

"Alexei, let's go home."

He slowly opened his eyes. When he realized it's me, he looked puzzled. "What are you doing here?" Dammit! Alexei is as drunk as Nikolai.

"We are going home now."

"I thought you are leaving?"

He looks at me like he's expecting an answer. I feel like my heart is being crushed seeing him like this.

"I'm staying."

Alexei embraced me tight while his head rested on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry princess. I caused you too much pain. I don't know if I even deserve your forgiveness. " God, he sounds like Nikolai.

"Come on, let's go home." Alexei continued asking for forgiveness even when we are already on the way out of the club.

♥♥♥♥♥

So here I am, in the SUV with Nikolai to my right, his head is on my lap, passed out. Alexei's head is resting on my left shoulder, also passed out. I don't know exactly what I'm doing right now but all I'm certain is I want Nikolai and Alexei back in my life. If being heartbroken over and over again is the price I have to pay. I'm more than willing to risk it all. I just have to toughen up to keep our family together. Me, Nikolai and Alexei.