so my friends and i are having lunch in the school's cafeteria, sitting among temporary faces we probably not going to talk to any time soon. i stare at my tray as the girls talk and like usual i pretend to be listening. a chicken wrap and a can of coke. i've started eating regularly again. but sometimes i'd take a break. then the cycle begins all over again. and i am scared. i do not want to gain any more weight. i panic. my head throbs, the heart feels suffocated in its own chest, fingertips numb. it feels as though the walls are tilting. the floor undulating beneath my feet. a mental debate held within me begins, and the voices argue.

you've already had a lot for the day.

i shut my eyes.

maybe, but you can always get rid of it after.

i hesitate.

don't do it. you'll only get fatter.

i stare down at the tray.

no one even cares.

reality kicks in, confused i slowly push the tray away and i'd rather starve though my stomach begs to be fed. but i'm not hungry.

everything alright? a friend asks.

i'm ok, not really hungry. i reply casually.