I flip the phone over and over in my hands, contemplating on who exactly I should call. Flynn always says I need to talk more to a loved one, but honestly, who do I have? It used to be Ana, but everything's different now. I don't want to talk to my shrink right now, and I'm not close to anyone else. At these moments, I regret not having any friends.

I shiver runs down my spine as the path where her lips and hands trailed still lingers. Why did Anastasia do this to me? What did I do? Why did I agree to her punishment? These rhetorical questions are killing me right now. But I need to call someone. I need to get it off my chest. I need to talk to Flynn

The phone rings thrice before he picks up the call. "Christian", he greets affectionately.

"John."

"How are you?"

"There is something I need to discuss."

"Go ahead."

Well... here goes nothing.

Idle mind is Devil's workshop.

That is me right now. Mila is away at school, and I can't stop thinking of the bomb that she dropped at breakfast. What's concerning was Christian's reaction to it. She asked Christian if her and me would stay in Escala with him from now on. In these situations, Christian would probably avoid the question or talk his way out of it, he always had a way with words. But today was different. His whole demeanor screamed something has changed.

"Daddy?", said Mila.

"Yes, munchkin?", Christian said sweetly.

"Will mommy and I stay with you always?", she asked, with a hint of fear in her eyes.

He stopped chewing midway but resumed quickly before he thought I could notice. "Of course, why do you ask?" and at his response, my eyes widen. Did he not understand the question? She means that can I also stay permanently with him?!

She smiled as she shrugged. "All my friends' parents stay together... they said you don't love mommy anymore so you don't live together."

"Who are these friends of yours?", I asked, clearly pissed.

"Daniel, Samantha and Ava."

"Ava as in Uncle Elliott's daughter?" I asked and glanced towards Christian. For some odd reason, he looked calm about all this.

She nodded at my question and my blood boils. How dare Kate talk about my life with her kid.

"I'll talk to Uncle Elliott and mommy will talk to Aunt Kate is it okay?", Christian said after a while as she nods.

"Wait... I'll talk to Kate!?" I said, barely able to say the words.

"Is that a problem?"

"Not really... that's fine."

And that's how I ended up on the balcony, my favorite place in the house. It's 6pm and the sun is just about to set. There is something oddly calming about Seattle's skyline, the view is breathtaking. The rainbow of colors painting the sky with the setting sun. My phone is tucked securely between my fingers as I contemplate calling Kate. What will I say? When I think about today morning, I sure want to talk to her, parent to parent, but when I think about the past 6 years, I realize I cannot shout at her or speak rudely. I'm guilty and I've realized over the course of years that I absolutely suck at dealing with guilt.

But Mila comes first right now and with that thought in my mind, I click on the number that I last clicked on years ago. My heart is thumping so loudly as the ring goes and I wait for Kate to pick up.

"Ana?", comes the first word from her.

"Kate... how are you?"

"What do you want?", she snaps. Christ.

"Umm... yeah... about that. Ava and her friends have been telling Mila in school that the reason why Christian and I aren't together is because he doesn't love me anymore. I don't think this is a very appropriate thing to discuss at school."

"Well, does he?"

"What?", my brows furrow.

"Does Christian love you? Let me guess, last time I checked, no."

"Kate! What is wrong with you!" Why is she being this harsh?!

"You tell me! First you just flee off to an unknown place without telling or caring for anyone and then come back six years later with a daughter and expect everything to go back to normal?"

"I never expected that."

"Look, Ana, if you expect me to forgive you and your past, I can assure you that, that won't happen anytime soon."

"I get it. But, can you at least not discuss my family problems with Ava?" and she scoffs when I say the word 'family'. "Kate... I'm really sorry for whatever happened. We cannot go back to past and change it. But you have to listen to my part of the story. It is only fair if you listen to both points of view."

She contemplates it for a while and then says, "Fine."

And then I tell her. Everything from the top as she listens quietly, listening with occasional scoffs and gasps. I exclude all the recent developments from it but I do tell her about my cancer.

"Ana...", is all she says as she breaks down. I hear her cry and I dig my nails into my palms to not start my own tears.

"I know, Kate. We need to talk in person."

"Yes, we do. I'm in Idaho currently on a business trip... we'll meet as soon as possible, I promise."

"Yeah. Also about Ava..."

"Don't worry I'll talk to her. She eavesdrops a lot!"

"Meet you soon, Kate."

"Sure, bye", she whispers and ends the call.

A small smile comes on my face. It was good to talk to Kate and finally have a friend to listen to after a long time. I needed this, I needed her.

The wind gushes past me, calming me in the process. What did I do to deserve such a supporting ex-husband and a family that supports me through thick and thin? And not to forget a beautiful and smart daughter. I cannot even start to think I was ready to leave them forever. I can't do that to them when they support me so much.

I run a hand in my hair to attempt taming it. But when I pull back, I gasp. There is hair... on my palm. Not one or two strands... but a lot of them. I run my hand again in my hair as more loose strands come off.

No. This cannot be happening. This is too much hair to be considered normal. This is excess hair fall. My fingers shake as I dial the number of Dr. Gerald. I need to do something about this soon or by this rate... I can go bald soon.

"Try to not look at her as the wife who left you, but a mother, a new person."

Dr. Flynn's words reverberate in my mind as I try to focus on the good side of Ana. He said that it will help with the current situation. And I try to do it. Key word being try. But I cannot help but replay past.

"Past is done, Christian and you cannot change it even if you want to. So why not do something that can make your future filled with happiness and a better place to live in?", he said.

But what can I do to make myself happy? I have Mila and to think that I'll have her in my future instantly puts a smile on my face. But can I take back Ana as a loving wife? I don't wait for my mind to give an answer.

In all honesty, I'm scared. I'm scared to be with someone and not constantly fear that they'll leave me again. I cannot live in fear at every second of my life and think that one wrong step of mine can result in losing her again.

"Don't repent", John said before ending the call. This statement triggered me. What was he trying to say? Not to repent Ana or not to repent my past? But this is the thing about John. He says some random syllables and leaves it to me on how should I interpret it.

"Mr. Grey we are here", Taylor's voice brings me back to the present. I look outside to see that we reached home. I get outside and start walking towards the elevator. Maybe I need a change. Walking to the same place every day that reminds me of the past. It is too hard to bear. Maybe changing houses can help me think clear.

When I reach the penthouse, the lights are off. This is strange. Confusion lances me as I walk ahead trying to find the switch in the dark. When I locate it, I find that it is already on. Then why are the lights off?

"Gail? Sawyer? Anyone here?", I hear Ana say in the dark too.

"Ana?", I say.

"Christian? Where are you? Why are the lights off?!"

I walk towards the direction off her voice and once I find her, I hold her hand. "Where is everybody?", I ask.

"I don't know! I was in my room and the house suddenly went dark. What is going on?", she says as I hear her voice quiver. She is scared.

"I don't -"

"Surprise!", I hear Mila shout as the lights go on at the same time. I blink a couple of time to adjust to the light. Once my eyes adjust to the bright lights, I focus on my surroundings.

There are balloons everywhere. The place is decorated with streamers all around the place with a 'Happy Anniversary' cardboard cutout in the corner but the window. Mila is standing in front of us with a huge smile plastered on her face and behind her Gail is smiling with a small cake in her hands.

Realization dawns on me as I remember today's date. November 28th. I look at Ana and find her already staring at me with her lower lip between her teeth. She seems surprised too. How did we forget today's date?!

Today, seven years ago, Anastasia Steele and I got married.

~*~*~*~

This is a filler chapter, I know. But the next one is my personal favorite! And I have my results tomorrow for the test I gave in February so yeah i'm pretty excited for tomorrow haha.

Until we meet again, xoxo ~ Ava❤