Blake lowered himself to sit next to me and wiped my tears away with his thumb that were streaming down my cheeks.

"I don't want you to cry over me," Blake says in a feathery tone. My crying stopped instantly but tears still remained spread on my cheeks. I stared at him with wide eyes, I still couldn't look away from his beautiful blue eyes that were taking me in and searching my features. I couldn't stop thinking how lucky I was to be looking at him right now.

And that he was alive and there and sitting right in front of me with damp black hair falling over his eyes. And all I wanted to do was hug him and kiss him and he wouldn't let me.

"What do you want me to do then Blake? All I have done is care for you and all you have done is push me away. And now you won't even let me help you." I throw my hands up in the air and stand up abruptly, turning my back to him and towards the peaceful hospital gardens.

"I feel helpless, worthless." I cry dejected and spin around to face him. "I can't do anything but cry, you won't let me." A tear fell down my cheek reiterating my point and the brokenness in my eyes was clear to see. Blake's eyebrows pinched together and his features scrunched up in pain as he stood up to stand in front of me, so close I felt his chest brush up against mine. His black shirt was splattered with water from the rain, he had changed into jeans and a t-shirt before he ran after me.

"I'm sorry," he apologised sincerely as he looked deep into my eyes and cupped my cheek with one of his hands. "I'm so sorry, I never wanted you to feel any of this, I never wanted you to care for me." The earnest truth that radiated within his gaze made my heart shatter and my lips press together to hold in the hurt this caused. He really didn't want me at all, he was disgusted that I even feel anything for him.

"Am I that repulsive to you?" I exclaimed, the hurt clear in my tone. I stepped back from him so his hand dropped to his side.

"No, just the opposite," he objected, taking a step forward so we were less than a feather distance apart again. Then he completely closed that distance and grabbed both my cheeks in his hands and pressed his lips to mine forcefully. His kiss devoured my lips, pulling my mouth into his.

My lips remained frozen against his for a moment, shocked but when he pulled my lower lip into his mouth I responded with similar vigour, lacing my hands into his wet hair. I ran my lower lip against his and the sprinkles of the raindrops above mixed in with our kiss. My heart was beating wildly, Blake's hands were wrapped around my waist holding me to him as he kissed me like I was the most precious thing in the world.

We pulled apart and Blake rested his forehead onto mine as we both caught our breaths. I was heaving loudly completely taken aback by his spontaneous kiss and what it made me feel. Blake pulled his head back so he could see my features.

"I love you," Blake declared vehemently, staring deep into my eyes, his gaze was filled with adoration and honesty. I staggered a step back from him, my mouth dropping open in shock. But the shock was instantly replaced by a warm buzz that fluttered through my stomach and veins at his words, my skin breaking out in goose bumps and not from the rain.

My wide eyes searched his features trying to comprehend what he just said. His blue eyes were striking through his wet eyelashes and rain was splattered on his cheeks which was dripping down through the open flower roof of the pergola. His black hair was sitting at wild angles over the side of his face from him running his hands through his wet hair. There was not a spec of dishonesty on his features, only love was radiating out of his eyes as he looked at me like I was the most precious thing he has ever seen.

"You what?" I spluttered in a gasp, completely taken aback. That couldn't be right, he hated me.

"I have loved you since the first moment I set eyes on you Rose," Blake confessed. I couldn't understand how that could that be true when all he has ever done is push me away and hate me?

"Then why?" I gasped my eyebrows pinching together and I stepped out of his hold. My lips were tingling from his kiss and I ran my tongue over my bottom lip. Blake knew what I meant, all the moments we shared where he pushed me away, made me feel worthless, bullied me.

He laughed dryly, humourlessly. Throwing his hands up into the air. "Look around you Rose, we are in a hospital and I nearly died two days ago, I wanted to. If I let you in all you would feel would be pain when I eventually left, when I eventually killed myself."

Blake's hands were balled into fists and torment was evident in his gaze but also stark sincerity. I didn't realise until now that the emptiness in his gaze that I have seen before was actually a deep embedded pain. I flinched at his words, no matter how many times I am reminded of Blake's suicide attempt it still causes my heart to break every time.

"That is why I pushed you away and why I treated you like you were nothing to me. But Rose all I ever wanted was to be around you, you make me feel better, good just from being around you. I could never, and I would never bring my darkness into your pure life. If you hated me then there was no way I could hurt you when I ended it," Blake professed with torment as he ran his hands through his dark hair in agitation.

My knees became weak beneath me from this revelation and I leant onto the pole of the pagoda for support. My mind was swirling with all this new information that was making my heart soar but also ache. My mouth fell open and closed as all I could think was one thing, he cared about me this whole time? Blake continued on while I tried to catch my words.

"But there were times where I was weak, when I couldn't watch you in pain. Like the night when I let you come to the party with me, I wanted you to experience having a normal high school life, going to a party, kissing a boy. And how could I say no when the one person you wanted to kiss was me?" Blake was standing so close to me I could feel his body heat seeping through his wet clothes and into my skin.

"I really shouldn't have kissed you though, because it made me realise just how much I cared about you. Then you had that nightmare I couldn't just sit there while you were so scared. But after all these things I knew I had been weak and let you in, I had become a stronger part of your life so I pushed you away by hurting you," Blake explained, kicking the toe of his shoe into the ground. I couldn't take my eyes off him; I watched every lift of his eyebrows and purse of his lips trying to ascertain everything he said.

"Then you were sent to the hospital because of me and I knew I couldn't let you in any longer so I kissed Talia right in front of you. I knew that you would hate me after and then it wouldn't hurt you as much when I died. But just when I was about to kill myself, I couldn't go through with it without knowing something from you first. I needed to know why you gave me your bible, why would you give me something that meant so much to you? Was it because you already cared about me and if you did then how could I hurt you by killing myself? But when you told me you hated me, I knew you would be fine without me, that you didn't need me and I was able to go through with it."

Blake's vulnerable gaze lifted from his shoe to mine and the torture there sent a jolt through me. It caused him pain to see me in pain, to see how what he did affected me. I understood now, he only ever hurt me so that I wouldn't suffer an even worse pain when he killed himself.

"I was only ever mean to you because I cared about you," Blake declared as his broken eyes looked straight into mine. His words were beautiful and what I always wanted to hear but my forehead was pinched together in misery as I could only think about one thing.

"You planned to kill yourself this whole time?" I asked my voice breaking. Blake sighed, turning his face away from me.

"They told you why I was sent to live with you right?" Blake looked at me from the corner of his eye. I shook my head.

"I had tried before, just before they sent me here. This was their last resort, send me away from everything that started it all, a new environment, new people might give me a new perspective on life," Blake explained in a condescending tone, as if he knew it wouldn't work even before they send him here. "It didn't change anything, I still feel the way I always did," Blake spoke in a deadpanned voice with no emotion.

I frowned and my eyebrows knitted up in distress from his words as I searched his features. There were black bags underneath Blake's eyes and his irises were still bloodshot from overdosing on drugs. He was swaying on his feet as if he didn't have the energy to hold himself up for long and my heart broke for him, for me. Nothing I did for him even helped.

"So, nothing has changed at all?" I challenged with vulnerability, looking up from underneath my eyelashes. Blake's gaze snapped to me and I saw the sympathy in his eyes.

"I deserve to die, Rose," Blake stated firmly, in a tone that left no room for argument. I stomped my foot, there was room for argument.

"No, you just have low serotonin in your brain, you have depression Blake. You need to take medication and see a psychologist and get better," I argued assertively shaking his shoulders, my fingernails digging into his skin in my desperation for him to listen to me.

"I don't want to." He shook his head, taking a step back from me.

"Why?" I demanded. My hands were shaking because his declaration that he still wanted to die was making me feel like how I felt when I saw his passed-out body in the ambulance.

"Because I don't deserve to live," Blake insisted, running a hand through his hair.

"How could you possibly think that?" I objected in outrage, my features tightening up in anguish. Blake seemed taken aback by my words, his eyes snapped to me and he searched my features intently.

"Do you know why the reason I protected you from your bullies at school? Even when I didn't want to be anywhere near you," Blake challenged.

"Why?" I crossed my hands over my chest.

"Because I was in their position before, the bully. In my old school I used to bully this kid, relentlessly. I destroyed his life and one day I told him he was an idiot that didn't deserve to live. That day he listened to me and he couldn't take it anymore. He ended his life. Because of me, because of what I said to him and did to him he is dead," Blake revealed in a shattered voice, his head was tilted the ground in shame.

His eyes burned with torment and his body had become rigid like the thought of this caused his body to shut down. And I knew this was it, that was the source of all his pain.

"I'm sorry Blake, that's horrible." I reached my hand out to place a comforting hand onto his shoulder but he stepped away from me so my hand fell to my side. My mouth fell open as a shock of rejection washed through me, he still wouldn't let me help him. It was the most horrible feeling watching how deeply in pain he was and not being able to do anything about it.

"How can I live with myself knowing I am the reason an innocent kid is dead? How can I enjoy life when he won't ever even live his?" Blake denounced with pure loathing in his tone at himself. I couldn't imagine what horror Blake has been through while dealing with this guilt in his mind. It has obviously sparked his major depression, this inability to enjoy life anymore.

My heart broke for him and I grabbed his hand in mind interlacing our fingers, Blake tried to pull away but I held him tighter, refusing to let him go. Blake sighed and allowed his hand to stay intertwined with mine. He looked down at our hands with his eyebrows pinched together.

"When I saw you being bullied, it broke me and I snapped, someone as pure and beautiful as you didn't deserve that. And I knew the consequences of bullying, I know what it does to people. It breaks them, it ends lives," Blake explained grimly, still looking down at our hands.

I realised that this was what Blake was referring to that night he was in the fight at Freddie's. When he said that if I knew about his past, I wouldn't be able to see any goodness inside him because he doesn't deserve to be fixed and I would never look at him with admiration in my eyes. But he couldn't have been more wrong. I needed to make him see that this doesn't change how I look at him at all, it actually makes me realise just how good of a person he really is.

We all make mistakes; it's about how we learn and grow from them into a better person that matters.

"I'm sorry that happened to you Blake, but you aren't that person anymore. You have proved that again and again. You helped my life so much by stopping my bullies, you have helped Billy's life by stopping his bullies, you volunteer at a homeless shelter for goodness sake Blake. You have to forgive yourself," I prompted, placing my hand onto his heart as I looked up into his eyes as I said this.

Blake was glancing down at me, staring deep into my eyes like he was latching onto every word I said. But I could see there was also doubt in his eyes, he didn't believe what I was saying or he wanted to but he wouldn't let himself.

"I volunteer at the shelter because Jason, the kid who committed suicide because of me, his parents work there. I tell myself I do it to help them, to apologise to them for what I did. But in reality, I do it so I can see the pain in their eyes so every day I can feel the agony of what I did to their lives," Blake agonised, pulling my hand away from his heart. I squeezed my eyes shut; Blake was torturing himself.

"Blake that just proves to me what a good person you are, if you didn't feel this pain then you would be evil," I insisted vehemently, a passion had ignited in my soul, I was frantic, I needed Blake to see this. "You deserve to recover; you deserve to have a normal life. The fact that Jason's parents are letting you help out at the shelter proves to me that they have forgiven you. You have to forgive yourself. You can't do this again, that reason is not worthy of it."

My words were filled with conviction but Blake wasn't listening, his eyes were stoic, cold. I understood why Jessie wanted Blake to connect with god now, Blake needed forgiveness. He needed to learn how to forgive himself.

"Of course, I plan on trying again," Blake declared in a matter of fact tone like this was going to happen and there was nothing I could do to stop it like it was tomorrow's weather. My stomach coiled up on itself in pain and my chest started heaving up and down as my breathing accelerated. Terror began to take over my entire being as I looked at Blake whose expression was dead, emotionless. In frantic motions I grabbed his face in both my hands.

"Remember what I told you about god, he will forgive you," I vowed. A spark lit in Blake's eyes for a moment.

"You know that and your bible is the only thing that has ever given me hope that I could continue living." There was a slight tinge of hope in Blake's tone and I latched onto that.

"Then please listen to me Blake, please get better for me." I heaved, barely able to breathe. I ran my hands down his face and into his shirt which I grasped in both my hands, scrunching it up like if I held on tightly enough, he would finally listen to me. "I forgive you and I think you have made up for what you did already. You have helped so many people and you can help so many more. Maybe this is the reason for why you went through that and for why your attempts to end your life didn't work because you need to be here to stop this from happening to anyone else."

Blake's eyes were wide and he was staring intently at me, his head tilted to the side, he was finally taking in what I was saying. My desperation at not losing him made me frantic and I was bearing my heart to him in a way that was usually hard for me to say.

"I need you, when I thought you were gone it was agony, it was just as bad as when my father died because I hadn't just lost you but I had lost my future," I cried, tears welling up in my eyes. I reached up and pulled his hair back that had fallen into his eyes and laced my hand into the back of his hair.

Blake squeezed his eyes shut and tears dropped down from his closed lashes. I stepped forward so our bodies were pushed up against each other and wrapped my hands around his neck. He opened his eyes, which were red and glassy.

"I love you too, Blake," I proclaimed passionately, staring deep into his tormented blue eyes. His eyes widened and he breathed out deeply like this was a relief to hear. Blake wrapped his hands around my waist and pulled me even closer to him.

"Your plan failed, even with you treating me like you hated me and acting the way you did, I still love you!" My words were filled with passion but also a brokenness. I reached up and kissed Blake softly which he returned for a moment. Both of us were crying so the kiss was wet and beautiful and broken.

"I love all of you, even the bad parts and the broken parts and the mean parts," I confessed, placing my forehead against his. "Please get better for me so I never have to feel that pain again." I felt his tears on his cheeks against mine.

"Please, don't leave me. Not like everyone else has," I wept. Blake knew who I was referring to, my father was gone, my best friends left me and started bullying me, even my sister left for college and never came back because it caused her too much pain to live in her old house. Blake's mouth and features crinkled up in deep anguish.

"Please," I begged, my voice breaking as I cried. Blake pulled his forehead away from mine and he cupped my face in his hand. He searched my agonised features for a long moment before he dropped his gaze in resignation.

"Okay," he agreed, his voice filled with misery. Tears dropped from his eyes and his features were pulled taught in agony. He released my face and fell onto the bench like his knees gave out from under him, like the thought of not having death as an escape was more torment that anything in this world. "I will try, for you," he promised, still unable to look at me.

Relief so strong it bushed me off my feet washed through me. I breathed out deeply like my lungs could fill with air again as I collapsed next to him on the bench.

I scrunched his shirt in my hands so tightly he would never be able to move and dug my head into his chest. Blake lowered his head into my hair and I felt his fast breathing like he was struggling to breathe and his arms were shaking as he wrapped me up in his arms.

I grasped onto his shirt more strongly, pulling him to me and refusing to ever let him go.

***

Wow! That was a difficult chapter to write but I did it, it took all week but it is done, YAY!!

It was quite a heart wrenching chapter, but now we all understand why Blake did everything he did. He loved Rose the whole time

I hope you all enjoyed that chapter, please let me know your thoughts. I really love hearing what you think :) Xx

Much love, Elaine