"I'm sorry, Ash.."

"Hey, i'm not mad, ma"

Requested by:

TW: mentions of SH. Not romanticising this.

After being clean for 4 months, I finally snapped and started again. My arms were covered in cuts once again (relatable tbh) and I obviously didn't hide it as well as i did last time. I could tell my boyfriend, Ashtray knew something was up, but I didn't want to tell him what i was doing, he'd go mad. At the people and things who caused me to do it, not me.

As i sat at the table at Ash and Fez's, counting money just to take a little stress away from them, Ash walked over, wrapped his arms around my shoulder and rested his head on mine. "Hey ma" he mumbled, i smiled and rubbed his arms. "Hey Ash, you okay?" I asked, turned to face him.

"Yeah uhh..i just gotta talk to you about something" he spoke, i was suddenly nervous. "Come here" he said and held his hand out to me, I hesitantly took it and he led me over to the couch. He sat down and pat his lap, signalling for me to sit down. I did, he held my waist gently as i wrapped my arms around his neck carefully.

"So..Rue and the girls told me you've been acting weird lately and...you're never wearing dresses to parties anymore, only long sleeved jumpers and leggings...ma, whats going on?" He explained in a soft voice, it made my eyes water at how gentle he was with me. It made me feel special because he wasn't like that with anyone else.

I felt Ash's eyes go down to my body, he took in what i was wearing and a look of realisation soon spread across his face. "Y/n.." he murmured and i hummed in response, my hands starting to shake a little. "Can you please show me your arms?" He questioned, a little hesitant. At that moment, I didn't know what to do, I didn't want Ash finding out..though it seems like he already has found out.

I shook my head slowly and Ash sent me a reassuring yet stern look. "Y/n, please..i'm not mad at you, i just wanna help you, baby" he whispered, leaning his forehead on mine. I sniffed and after 2 minutes, i pulled away from him and gently lifted my sleeve, wincing from the fresh cuts that grazed on it along the way. I could tell by the look on Ash's face that he was upset and heartbroken.

I don't blame him.

Nobody would blame him.

I thought he was disappointed in me, last time this happened, my family were so disappointed in me. They didn't help me through it but luckily Fez and Ash were there to help me instead. That's how Ash and I actually became close and began dating.

"I'm sorry, Ash...I promised I wouldn't do it again b-but i did, please don't be mad" i sobbed, Ash quickly shook his head and shushed me gently. "Hey, i'm not mad, ma" he spoke up, rubbing my back. We sat in comfortable silence. Ash continued rubbing my back and pressed kisses to my cuts every now and then.

When i had finally stopped crying, Ashtray helped me clean up the cuts and stopped the stinging. After, we cuddled back on the couch to watch a movie. "Why'd you do it again, ma?" I heard him ask, breaking the silence. I shrugged and held his hand. "I guess I couldn't handle it.." i murmured and Ash kissed my forehead. "I'll be here to help you, okay? So will Fez, Rue, Maddy and Lexi. Nobody is leaving you alone" he reassured, kissed my hand that was joined with his.

I smiled at him and leaned forward, connecting my lips with his. It was a sweet kiss, one that i never wanted to end. Obviously i had too. "I'll be with you every step of the way, no matter how long it takes. I've got you." He whispered, kissed my forehead.

I was grateful for Ashtray..