Nate

Nerves crippled my stomach as I made my way out the class and to my locker. I was so not ready for this.

I was glad high school was on once more, but at the same time as well as this provided a whole new lot of distractions and activities other than rot in my own self misery and seeked for other's pity; this also brought a whole new kind of attention back upon me. I was once more in people's spotlight, I was once more pressured under their attention and whether it didn't bothered me, it forced me to portray an image I had worked so hard hold on.

Everything was going smooth, tho. Ever since the very Matt Grace dropped us in the parking lot this morning. Even if everyone now knew I had a girlfriend. Even if most of my teachers decided to go extra hard on us because of the little break. Even if this weekend was the first match since before Christmas and I was sure coach would go all maniac on us once more.

I was doing pretty well even with those little extra pushes, but at the beggining of this last class the teacher called for me to approach his desk and handed me a note from the counselor, telling me to meet with her before the football practices.

Getting called to the school's counselor was never a good thing. I 'd been summuned there a few times now, always the same questions were asked. Why my lack of focus, what were those bruises, was something bothering me... I'd always played my part in complying with my answers, telling her there was nothing to worry about and she let me go with that piercing stare of hers, the one that told you you didn't outsmart her. But so far it worked. And it looked to me like Mrs Grace and I had an unspoken deal: she stay away from my business, I keep my troublemaker side at bay.

So why would she now, that I was more focused than I'd been in the past years, call me in for a meeting?

As I got my stuff from the locker I couldn't help but wonder if she knew about me and Hailey? Not in vain, I'd just spent the night in her barn and considering Matt's reaction it wouldn't be that weird to think she wanted to play the protective parent. Althou, it would be so awkward if that was the reason.

Back when I dated Trish -due to my lack of other references on the matter- we never once interact with each other's parents. Mine for obvious reasons and hers... well, sometimes it almost felt like she hid me from them. Not that I care, it saved me from situations I didn't want to face; but it kinda hurt my ego too.

Almost as if invoking her, the blond's voice came from the opposite side of the locker's door. "Hello there."

"Hey." I eyed her carefully, not sure what her mood might be today considering our last quarrel barely a few weeks ago. She leaned against the metal locker by my side and I cleared my throat. "How are you?"

"Frustrated the break is already over." she pouted. "It was too short."

That's debatable, but out loud I just hummed, dropping my books in the locker. "You went skiing?"

"Am I that predictable?" she giggled, her carefree stance throwing me off. "I guess were unoriginal doing the same each year."

"If you enjoy it." I shrugged, still unsure what could she possibly want as I pushed everything I needed in my bag and slid it over my shoulder, turning to slightly face her more. "Aren't you mad at me anymore?"

"Nop." she grinned radiantly, that beautiful smile that makes her our Roosevelt sunshine. It used to stole my breath away just that easily. "You know I'm a bit passionate. I was going through a bad moment with the break with Ashton and all. I shouldn't had blow up on you."

I nodded, accepting her 'apology', knowing I wouldn't be getting any better but it was fine. I wasn't that bothered to be honest. "Are you back together, then?" I asked to make smooth talk, unsure where this was going.

"Gosh, no. That ship sailed for good." she laughed sliding closer; touching my arm accompaning her soft laugh and suddenly it hit me like a train Trish wasn't being friendly, she was being flirty. Before I could fully process it she tilted her head tauntingly. "My God you are tense." she taunted tilting her head as she slid her palm up my bicep. "Want me to help with that?"

"I..." I pushed her hand away gently, watching her 'good mood' dropping as I turned her down. Guess an easy-going-Trish was too good to be true. I gulped closing the locker. "Thanks, but I'll just go find, um, someone." but I still managed to get her frowning.

"They say you've come together." her snappy voice stopped me from making a quick escape.

I knew we'd gained attention this morning. I knew people would talk about this. But it sounded accusing in Trish's voice, almost implying I should be embarrassed of for the way she spat it out. It was that disbelieved undetone that got me vexed enough to fall for her games once more.

"So?"

"So?" she scoffed, retreating more and more to her usual self the longer this moment stretched. "They say you're dating now."

"So?"

Her bright eyes narrowed in that way that announced trouble. "How long are you going to keep this up? Aren't you tired already? I've told you I wanted you back."

The second bell rang over us and I shook my head, dreading for the first tiem in all day the attention upon me. I wasn't in the mood nor had enough time or patience to deal with another one of Trish's scenes.

"We're not doing this again. I have an appointment with the counselor."

"You mean your mother-in-law?" she scoffed rolled her eyes and folded her arms. My stomach twisted at her mocking words. "Wow, things are getting serious, uh?"

I sent her a glare. "We're done, Trish. Stop this already."

Her eyes narrowed even more and if looks could kill I would be already dead. I hated how she was suffocating me like this even when we weren't together. She cut things in the first place, why couldn't she just let it go and maybe we'd manage to keep it as friends? "Are you sure you wanna do this?"

I didn't liked a bit the menace hidden in her tone. Another tantrum? Whatever it was it sent a warning chill down my spine and gave me a bad gut feeling.

"Do what?" I found myself gritting out instead, tired of her constant push and pull that goes nowhere. "Move on?"

Her eyed flared at that. "You can't move on from me with her."

"Oh, so this is what all this is about? You not copping well with me moving on?"

"Not with her! You know how humiliating that is?"

"Why?" I shook my head, glancing around briefly and lowering my tone when I noticed a few people still in the hallway, giving us bad concealed looks. "Why does it matter if it's with her? You were never this picky when I started messing around with Nadia."

"Oh come on. That cheerleader was barely there. You two hook up, big deal." her eyes rolled making my anger spike. "But this? I've told you. You don't have time for me anymore and you seem to be perfectly fine with it. That's not how we work."

"We're over. I'm with someone."

"Please." she scoffed pointing her chest in vexation. "I've been with others too but I never neglect you."

"So you've been unfaithful to all your boyfriends? Jee, thanks. I feel way better now."

"You- ugh! You're the biggest idiot!"

"And you're delusional!" I whispered-yelled back. "How many more times you need me to tell you we're done for you to get it?"

"So you do wanna do this." her jaw ticked and more of that warning chills slid down my spine, like a threat as she glared away from me down to those people still hovering around, hoping to catch some new gossip, but they quicky scurried away when Trish glanced that way. "You're gonna regret this."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Just that your farmer girl can't possibly get you the way I do. Your needs, your mindset- no." she cut me when I was to interfere in her speech. "Like it or not, we're the same. Selfish. We take what we want when we want it. I get you because you get me and that's how we work. You have issues, I do too; but none of us pressured the other to open up. That's how we work. Because we," she gestured the air between us. "Are the same. And as soon as she realize she's not fixing you she'll dump you."

For a second I could feel my heart halting. "She won't."

"She will." she chuckled short and humorlesly, tilting her head in that patronizing manner I hate so much. "Or maybe you will, once done with her cute-girl-next-door-act and realize it was only fun for a while."

Almost as if she pressed right at my buttons I found myself stepping closer, irk roaming in my chest. "You don't know what you're talking about."

"Don't I?" she grinned, not impressed at all and took me by surprise when she herself close the remaining gap between us, holding my hand I hadn't noticed was poiting accusingly at her and instead used it as support to stand on her tip toes way to close. Her breath right against my lips when she spoke again. "Have it your way. Let's see how long can you play the 'cute couple' before you ruin the both of you."

Her words shouldn't affect me that much, they shouldn't manage this jab in my guts. But somehow they did. And somehow I knew it was true. I was rotten. I could only breathe so much happiness before I drown it along with me. Trish knew my attatchment problems. She knew I had issues, and like she'd said she kept away from them as long as I didn't ask in return about her parents never being home, or about why her sister's been gone ever since she graduated, or her endless pressure in getting in law school like the rest of her family...

I'd always known there was more into it than what she lead on, something about her feeling left aside and using me the same way I used to rely on her for estability. She felt lonely, she leaned into me. I felt rejected, I leaned on her. It changed after our final break up over a year ago, but even with other people entering our life (Ashton, Nadia...) our constant seeking for the other's comfort remained. It was a loop, a very toxic loop of what we thought was love, caring, but now I was starting to realize was dependence.

I'd been a constant in her life the same way she had in mine but this was an unspoken deal. I would had never expect for her to voice this things. I would had never expect for her to throw them at my face or using them as weapons or leverage. This was a low blow even for her that relish in swallow manipulations here and there.

This was crossing a limit. Somehow, in her malicious remark there was more poison than I could or wanted to deal with right now.

I pushed away from her, too shocked and hurt to fully manage a proper comeback. "Leave me alone."

"Gladly." she scoffed, pushing her hair off her shoulder and tilting her chin upwards. "Let me know when you're done with your farmer girl's fantasy of fixing the broken boy."

And with that final blow she spun around and left me there, watching her leave as my chest clenched achingly, her words echoing in my mind like an endless chant.

This was me. I was messed up, fucked up and break everything I touch. This much I knew. But it was easy to forget lately and I could easily pushed it back when I felt this rush with Hailey. I didn't felt that broken, I actually wanted to feel other than the croaked numbness or merely push pass the darkness. Just yesterday and last night had been enough to balance the awful start of the year so far.

A few hours and I felt shiny and new, like nothing of the bad stuff had occurred. It was weird, and scary but... fleeting? Was Hailey with me just to fix me? I felt my pulse rushing. Was I, like, some charity case?

But at the awful idea I shook it off almost too afraid to fully contemplate it, my fingers clenching on the bag's strands. I wouldn't allow my mind to even go there. I didn't dare to because if I did...

No.

This was just Trish being Trish. Messing with my head until she got what she wanted. Because she was selfish, just like she'd admitted moments ago. And so was I.

Maybe I was being selfish with Hailey as well? I liked the way she made me feel, enough to keep copping with her demans as long as it kept her around. Leading this relationship forward... Was that selfish of me considering my situation? Considering I was indeed broken and might bring her down to rot with me?

I shook my head forcefully this time, getting rid if this train of thoughts for good -or so I hoped- and took in a deep, calming breath.

I knew Trish had an idea that I was messed, but it was just cruel for her to use it against me like that.

Whatever. I glanced around finding the place empty and knew I should get moving before I delay my whole schedule. I better get my shit together... or at least as much as I could, pushing down the unease tightening my chest. This is stupid. I shouldn't get this affected over Trish bullshit. I'm over this.

Brushing my hair one last time I finally decided I wouldn't drown in my self-pity any longer and made the dreading path to the counselor's office. I won't gave Trish the privilege of affecting me this much with a few bitter comments. No way.

But facing my immediate reality wasn't something that sweet either. I stood before the door, calming my ragging thoughts that manaced to crumble everything I thought. Everything -small things- I thought I knew for sure in my current situaton. I couldn't handle anything else falling apart before I ment the pillars that were already breaking.

With one last hesitant intake of breath I rose my hand, knocking softly on the half ajar door, right over the nameplate saying 'H. Grace'. A part of me was hoping she wasn't there, that this was all a mistake, that she wouldn't hear me and I'd scurried away like nothing happened.

But much to my dismay a voice leaked through the breach: "Come in."

Here goes nothing.

Forcing all the awkwardness to very back of my being I grabbed the knob and slowly pushed the door open. It was a small office, nicely illuminated using the big window opposite of the door that projected light in the filled shelves and broad desk. The woman behind it lifted her head form the laptop and the weirdest sensation filled me of the amount of similarities in her features with her daughter's.

No wonder Hailey was stuck with the 'Gracie' nick she hated so much. They were insanely alike, only my girlfriend's hair and eyes were lighter while Mrs Grace were dark brown. The woman before me also held some signs of her aging, such as the wrinkles around her eyes and slight greying in her hair.

I was so weird to be standing here, comparing her to the girl I almost grew to memorize. Beyond weird.

"Nathan Herond." her mouth curled upwards in a small, cordial smile. "I was waiting for you." I nodded back, still standing awkwardly on the doorstep until she gestured me to walk closer and repeated: "Come in."

Did she know about Hailey and I? I knew Matt did, and the twins had seen me over sometimes or dropping her... or this very morning, but did she knew about us? Did she knew only a few hour ago I got her daughter squirming as I made her come in that barn? I almost smirked at the memory. She probably didn't. Other wise she won't be smiling kindly at me as I softly close the door.

"Please take a seat." I did, still unsure what was this for and forcing her unconvinient blood ties out my mind.

"Am I in trouble?" I wondered, confused as to why now would I be summoned here when last trimester was probably my best in the last few years. I only failed one subect and I was already working on an essay to make it up.

But instead she went all therapist and perked one brow, inquiring. "Are you?"

"No..." I gulped, realizing she was trying to see if I would incriminate myself. This must another one of Bear's hazing freshmans. I won't be dragged down again and grounded when this time I wasn't even in the hook; so I cleared my throat, speaking firmer this time. "Not that I know of at least."

To my surprise she nodded, satisfied, and opened a drawer taking out a file that dropped between us. "Good to know. No, you're not in any trouble that I know of either. This is just a routine meeting with senior students, future relate and all that stuff." and just like that the small relief I got was a tight knot in my guts once more. Future, as in college and all that. I was already shaken about my possibilities and the recent doubts about other facets in my life Trish just pointed out. I wasn't ready to face my academic disaster yet. Yet when Mrs Grace scrolled through my folder and looked up from those files she still got that content little grin. "Your marks have considerably improved."

I didn't dare to relax yet. "Is it bad?"

"Not at all, I'm just curious as to why the sudden change?"

Stronger urges to get away and your daughter's tutoring. "Better company."

That earned me another approving nod that loosen a bit more the tight pressure in my chest. "Yes, your social circle can easily affect you." You got no idea. "I've also been told by Coach Grey you're aiming for a scholarship, is it true?" My heart squeezed at the sensitive topic, but I nodded. Mrs Grace leaned forward, interested. "What would you like to study Mr Herond?"

I didn't really care, honestly. I sucked at pretty much everything but college was my getaway. My only getaway. "I'm not sure yet."

The counselor inclined her head to the side. "And how do you plan on applying for universities?"

"In all honesty?" she nodded and I took in a shaky breath. "I don't really care. I hope I'll get picked by my football skills and from there I'll work something up." Anything.

"Yes, well... This isn't how this works." she hummed softly, passing the pages of my files and making me feel damn exposed. "You focus your life based on your skills. Fooball is important, don't get me wrong. But if you're not aiming to work on it professionally you need something else."

I shifted on the chair, awkwardly. "I'm not exactly good with anything else."

"I'm sure that's not true."

"Well it is." could this get any more humiliating? I needed to tear my gaze away not to start blushing for admiting something as embarrassing as that. I'm such a mess up. "I'm barely passable at anything else."

"Well, just so you know, Mr Fuller, your technology teacher, is pretty content with you." her sudden comment snapped my gaze at her, but her eyes only held that blunt honesty she always seems to portray, baffling me further.

"He is?"

"Mhm, and so is Mrs Lana of your Economy class."