I'm a total fuck up.

I'd been glaring the same question for way too long and still nothing useful get out of it. If I couldn't even manage some homework how was I supposed to pass the fucking exams?

Maybe I won't. Again that pinching anxiety settled in my chest. I couldn't afford failing. As much as I'd improved lately, the coach won't hesitate to kick me out the team. We both know the team need me but he was strong headed about this. And without the football I could kiss goodbye any chance of getting any college interested. My ticket out of here was at risk and yet I could only blankly stare down at the stupid Sociology essay proposal.

You're so idiotic, a retarded three year old would be more useful. Harold's voice laughed at the back of my mind, shoving those insults I grew so accostumated to my face and clenching the apprehension I already felt.

Why do I have to be such a mess? I wished he wouldn't affect me this much. I wished my mother would cut bonds and get rid of him. I wished I was smart enough to realize I need to go away and stop caring for a woman who clearly didn't feel the same for me.

My fingers itched to grab my phone, just like they been through the few last days but I balled them in fists, ignoring the increase in my pulse.

No. I'm not calling Hailey.

But you'll never get this on your own...

I shook my head at the little anoying voice in my head, snapping out of it and pushing the damn book away, vexation filling the void in me. She wanted out, I'm giving her out. And it wasn't like she would be in the mood of helping me with how things were.

Fuck, why did she had to complicate it? We clearly estipulated no commitment in our deal.

No attatchement. No feelings. We didn't even pacted to be exclusive and she went on and put on a jealous act.

It angered me all the more because I found myself realizing I hadn't been with anyone else for a while and didn't even noticed. I realized that she'd somehow slowly made her way into my quotidian life, into my free hours, into my thoughts... and now every hour was a constant battle with my pride because I found myself missing her.

How fucked up was that?

She hasn't talked to me for barely a couple days and still I was missing her. The disappointment in her expression when she called the deal off was horribly burned in my mind.

I mean, I fingered her, that was supposed to make her want more, not push her away. It made me want more. And yeah, maybe I was a bit harsh dismissing Kurt assumption in the bar, but come on! Girlfriend?!

I flinched at the faint squeak of the door opening and turned in time to see Freckles clumsily pushing it and taking a stiff step inside. It broke my heart to see her like this. I mean, that cat was an ancient, almost nineteen years and she was still around. It was a gift from my father to my mother when they get pregnant, to practice, he said. I grew up with her in the family, and now seeing her falling in the corners and dragging herself around was touching.

"Hey, pretty lady." I got up and picked her. She meowed but let me take her to the mattress with me, settling her frail form on the it. She immediately cuddled to my hand, forbidding me to move away again and pulling a smile out of me. "Aren't you a cozy little thing?"

She purred and I sat by her side, petting her long fur. It used to be all puffed and soft, now it was matted and sad. And she was losing a lot more. My chest clenched as she tripped getting on my lap, letting me to bring her fully there. I didn't want to face it. To face Freckles was at her lasts. Mom had been advising me about her death ever since she reached fifteen, but I guess she was a fighter.

Or used to be. This past month had been a crestfallen for her and her age was finally showing.

My phone beeped as it been doing for the past hour as they blew up the group chat. I was supposed to be heading to Trish's already and helped getting the place ready. Honestly, I wasn't at all in the mood for a party. Let alone with Trish. But it wasn't like I could say no. That would rose some brows and the least I needed right now was to expose even more than there was something definitelly going off with me. So instead I just went along with her cheerfulness and for some reason that got people thinking we were back together.

Never in a million years. She's cheated on me more than once already, I wasn't that masochistic to put myself through that shit again. We were fine with our casual meetings here and there, but again, it was as if since Hailey I couldn't look at her the same way. Something has changed and not knowing what was driving me crazy; but hey, that rumor was better, right? I wouldn't be put under the loupe for some lame schoolmates thinking I was back with Roosevelt's sunshine.

More dings erupted from my phone as I unlocked the screen and scrolled through the none stopping texts quickly, getting the big picture. The party was about to start and they needed all the extra hands they could get. I'd postponed it long enough, it was time for me to go. The new wave of text, tho, made me clanched my teeth. Trish's cousin and his mates from school would be coming, meaning, Ryan would be there.

Fuck my life. I hate that guy.

Just then there was a loud thud that made the walls shuddered and I tensed all over. He's back. Great. I heard the faint voice through the locked door, the hint of agressiveness there even if I couldn't descipher the words.

Freckles meowed cutely, as if trying to comfort me and snuzzled into my -now still- petting hand. "There, there." I caressed her but sharpened my ears in hopes to get what was going on out there. Nothing good, I could tell that much, and the unease in my chest only grew. "You're staying here the night." I whispered the cat and pressed a kiss on top of her head, carefully stepping from the bed and to the hanger where I'd put my jacket.

Harold voice was getting aggravated and slurred even through the walls and I dreaded it. Most of the time I try to stay out his way so he stay away from mine, but when he took it upon my mother I couldn't help it.

He'd gone out with his fellas and returned drunk, as always. I heard from my room how he confronted my mother, damanding things as she tried to reason with him. I picked my wallet and Letty's keys and then he started yelling, something crashed and I got out before fully processing the consequences of it, making sure to close the door behind me.

The knot in my chest only tightened at both pair of eyes settle on me, but I gulped it down.

Harold's gaze shone whickedly. "The man of the moment! Come here." that chilling fake cheerfulness make the small hairs of my nape rose. I knew what it really hid. He let go of my mother's arm and she rubbed it absently, not meeting my gaze as the asshole stumbled a few steps closer. His eyes were redshot and I felt my insides shuddering in anticipation, but I forced my fists closed and stood my ground. "You know what I been told, mh?"

"No."

"No?" in a second he'd grabbed me by the shirt and shoved me into the wall. My spine stung but I held it down. A wave of nausea hit me as he leaned closer and I smell the alcohol and vomit in him. His eyes unfocused and mad. "The promising quarterback." he spat. "How come I get outta here to get rid of you and still you're all I heard about?" he sneered sizing me up and down, a disgusted frown pusing his whole swollen face. "You think so highly of yourself, uh? I'm sick of hearing about this bullshit of your lazy ass. Now, wake up front those preppy dreams and find a job."

"Nathan will end his studies." my mother mutter and I tensedly found her impassive gaze over Harold's shoulder, but she only looked at Harold; not bothered I was being manhandle it this way. My heart hurt and my eyes stung. Why couldn't I detatch from her like she does with me?

"He will, uh?" the asshole looked at her as well and pressed me harder into the wall, the pressure aching but I knew better than to complain or talk back. Jus hold on, this'll be over soon. "This is my house, and my rules."

"We've t-talked about this, Harry." she tried to stand her ground even with him barking shit like that. "Just one more year."

"Just one more year." he mimicked derogatoringly and snorted, turning his attention back to me. As usual, my guts twitched at the dark pool that were his eyes. "You bunch of pussies, this house don't need people studying, it needs more money. And what good would it do him anyway? He's empty in the head." I grimaced when he mockingly tapped my forehead, denigrating me and laughed. "A pretty face and nothing else. You realize people just tolerate you, right?" It hurt. It hurt way more than it should but I couldn't help his words from getting under my skin. "Such a waste." he shoved me away and with that awful drunken smile he stumbled towards the couch, were he collapse and -luckly- passed out almost immediately.

Should I felt grateful that today it was just insults? I regained my breath glowering his form before shifting my gaze to return my mother's. Something like regret flashed under her orbs and her lips parted but it wasn't like I'd stay around to another meaningless apology.

"I'm going out." I was glad I didn't stuttered, but didn't gave myself nor her tome to see pass this quavering facade and spun on my heels.

"Na-"

"Don't wait up for me." I picked up my keys, rigidly controlling every inch of my muscles; afraid I might lose it the moment I relaxed a bit. Even my voice came out tense.

"Nathan, please!"

But I was already lowering the stairs when she reached the apartment's door and didn't waste time crossing the dim lobby and out the building.

I felt like shit. I was a shit. I had no future, not even a past to rely on. I was alone and lost and once more the feelings of hate and grief threatened to swallow me whole.

Now the perspective of this party and getting drunk myself didn't sound so bad.

"Having second thoughts already?" Kimberly snapped from my other side, attracting my attention from the Uber's window to her. I gulped, not wanting to lie nor open my mouth and prove he right. Apparently my silence was enough and she rolled her eyes. "Look, if you're gonna be a pussy about it then be my guest."

And with that she opened her door and stepped out the car. The uneased in my chest clenched further, and my urge to ask the Uber driver to take me back to the farm grew stronger as I stared to the elegant house of Trish Palmer. Three story, huge garden with an even more impressive conditioned pool. The music was bursting through the cold air of the night, people were gathered around the place and the door was half opened. Guess they weren't just bluffing when they mentioned everyone was invited to came, directly or not.

And I'd been invited. And Nate was going to be there.

I took a deep calming breath, waiting few more seconds before I found the determination I needed to hop off the Uber and round the car to stand beside Kimberly. She smirked at my nervousness.

"Chill, will you? I clean you up great." she streightened my necklace and I blushed. Under her attentive directions I'd put on a crop top and my high waisted black jeans. They were tight enough to got me struggling with them for good ten minutes, but once on they were truly fitting. Kimberly went more bold and had a beautiful low cut dress that hugged her body in all the right places. Her make up was perfectly done and she's streightened her long black mane. She was thin like a supermodel and so gorgeous she might as well be.

"I'm nervous." I glanced at the going Uber as it left us before the party. Somewhere in there was Nate. Was I ready to face him? I'd thought I was but the closer the moment came the less sure I felt. If whatever we had was over showing up here was nothing but a bad idea.

"Shut up." Kimberly rolled her eyes, fed up with me already. "We're already fashionably late. Let's not make it obnoxious."

What am I doing here? It kept repeating in my head as she led us through the front entrance and the sea of buzzed people dancing and having fun at the rythmn of David Guetta.

I don't mix with this groups. They were the popular crowd. The members of differents sports in Roosevelt, cheerleaders, the dance team... and a lot of people I didn't even recognize. From Crossroad, the neighour school. Kimberly said something about Trish's cousin or so, so I guess he was from there and had invited his own school mates. Great, two schools and still no one I actually met.

Olly must be somewhere too but I couldn't find him. I'd tried to beg Vickie into accompaning us but there was no chance with her. She hates this kinda events. And as soon as we made it to the full kitchen Kimberly detatched our arms to serve herslef something and the crowd swallowed us appart. Awesome. I'd never been more out of place.

This was such a bad idea... I should had never came. I pushed my back against the wall, trying to stay invisible as I glance around for a friendly face. Kimberly, Olly... I'd go with whoever at this point. Just my luck, I see no one...

... until I spotted Seth's tall form not too far. My blood freeze. Where Seth was, Nate wouldn't be too far, and I wasn't ready to face him yet. Not alone. Not like this.

I squeezed my way into the kitchen and breathed a bit more reasured when I saw the black haired girl flipping off one of the football guys and took a suspicious bottle from him. I struggled my path to her trying not to bother too much the amount of people filling this small place.

Kimberly barely glanced at me before going back pouring the liquid into her red cup. "Hadn't I told you to stay close?" she wondered boringly over the loud music.

"You dissapeared!"

"You did."

My stomach churned as she handed me a cup and the strong smell of it hit my nostrils. "You know what? I am having second thoughts about this."

"Come on." she rolled her eyes and took my arm, her cup and dragged us to the door that connected the kitchen with the salon -now turned into a dance floor.

It wasn't as crazy there, due to the huge space. It was completely filled and loud too, tho, yet Kimberly didn't waste time making our way to the back where there were couches against the window wall that show off the huge backyard. The music was deafening and made the windows vibrated. Outside we could see groups were spalshed around the grass and in the heating pool -dressed and all, but whatever.

"Move." Kimberly scared a canoodling couple from the couch and they quickly scurried away, leaving the spot for us to take. On the other end was a guy I didn't know that looked passed out.

"I thought they say this would be a chill gathering." I muttered remembering Seth's words. This was anything but chill. The air was thick and hot in this compacted enviroment and I took off my denim jacket, folding it on my lap and welcoming the less clothing.

"I guess it was supposed to, but since Crossroad's guys are here as well they kinda turn this into a competition."

My brows knitted together. "Competiton of what?"

"Testosterone demonstration. I don't know. Drink." she ordered and brought her own cup to her lips, grimacing after the first sip. "Ugh, don't let me get too much of this."

"Okay. " I fiddled with mine, not really feeling like drinking tonight. "It's for tomorrow's contest?" Her expression hardened all the more at the question and I immediately regret it. Was it wrong for me to ask? "D-don't worry. I've hear the cheer team is one of the favourites for the qualifying round. Considering you were second's last year and all."

"Mhm." she drank some more, that frown still present in her brows and I inwardly cursed. Maybe I offended her? I replay my words over and over looking for anything but couldn't point out what it was. I got my answer when a few heartbeats later she dryly commented. "It's not like it's your business, but I'm not in the squad anymore."

What? I turned from the dry-humping couple only a few feet from us to look at her but she was looking away. I could sense the tension in her shoulders tho.

"Oh, I'm sor-"

"Don't." she cut me. "I've got enough pity."

I close my mouth. Of course. That's more likely the Kimberly that scares me. She harsh and bolt and intimidating... yet there was also a part of her that seemed more likeable. A part that sometimes shown up and I didn't mind at all to know. Like the girl that she'd been this afternoon with Vikie and I, the girl that helped me get ready for this party.

"Okay, sorry." I bit my lip as she shook her head and let out a dry laught.

"My Gosh, Gracie, just stop apologyzing. Are you really Matt's related?"

This time I couldn't stop a scoff myself. "As if you knew him to tell."

"Well, yeah." to my surprise she smirked, dropping her agressiveness once more. I swear I couldn't predict her mood swings. "I knew Matt pretty well... once or twice."

Oh my God!

My eyes widened as realization of what she was just implying sunk in me. "You- Ew. You slept with my brother?" that would certainly explain the weird moment when we met them at the bar. There were a few awkward seconds before they greeted each other but I wouldn't had thought... EW NO!

She shrugged. "He's hot."

"Gross."

"Please," she scoffed bitterly, but amused indeed. "Like you didn't know. Didn't you get last's year bulletin claiming I'd fucked the entire football team?"

I grimaced at the memory of that episode. "Come on, that was Brandy Jones being jealous. No one believes it." but that wasn't exactly true, Kimberly had a reputation in our school and that paper stuffed in everyone's locker only added to it. I could tell she saw right pass my white lie.

"Whatever." she sighed. "What I meant is that it really isn't that surprising considering your brother's fuck boy phase in Roosevelt."

"I know but... ew EW. Still gross."

"Okay." she laughed and downed more of her glass. "Aren't you gonna get started with that?"

I glanced down at the still full cup. The smell was so strong I could tell the taste would be just as awful. "Maybe later." I muttered hoping I wasn't offending her again.

Once more, Kimberly reaction was the opposite of what I was expecting and instead she smiled, almost friendly. "You would do so much good on Nate."