Hailey

I let my plastic fork fiddle with the food, not really hungry and instead I moved the vegetables from one side to another. I knew I was neglecting myself this past week, but everything tasted like sand in my mouth and the constant nerves twitched my stomach in the most random moments.

Seeing my mother cry only added to the already bad mood I was having. I mean, if she was distressed it wasn't just some mistake. This could really be serious. Maybe my father was in trouble.

I felt like drowning, metaphorically but also physically in some way. I hated it. I just want him to contact us and tell us everything was okay.

To make things even worst, I was on my lunch period alone, since none of my friends shared it with me today, and whether it was good since I wasn't the best company lately, I could really use the distractions.

Instead, I was here, in one of the small table in the corner of the canteen, scrolling through TikTok without really looking at it. My mind numb when Nate had entered the semi full place.

He hadn't even seen me yet. Not like I'd expected him to, I wasn't that needy and in school we barely interact. But after he'd disappeared again this morning I would have expected some kind of greeting at least. I didn't know why it still hurt me he flew in the morning, but considering his state when I left him in the barn last night, I was worried.

Worried, that's it. Not hurt, worried that my not-stable-friend was suddenly gone God knows where.

It didn't help that he didn't appear at all the first periods, but then he and Seth suddenly popped out of nowhere at the cafeteria in my lunch break -that we happen to share. All smiles and charisma again, the black eye not that swollen anymore but it still attracting attention.

In other circumstances it would have been even fun to actually see the rumors spreading. In barely ten minutes that was the talk of the school, all my group chats beeping, commenting on it, but I heard him claim it didn't hurt so I guess that was good.

I didn't get why he always seemed to get into fights so much, tho. In Roosevelt he didn't look like a violent person, yet that day at the viewpoint he picked up a fight quite easily. And he's often covered in bruises. As well as drinking. Since we started this deal he'd come smelling like alcohol a few times now, and I knew his reputation.

Maybe he had a drinking problem? And then is when he gets violent?

A part of me was relieved he'd finally shown up at Roosevelt, but it fought with an equally -if not more- strong one that felt like shaking him for leaving me hanging with that simple text:

: thanks for letting me stay, see you later

I watched from afar as he laughed with Seth and some other guys from the team, hating how my chest ridiculously tightened. I forced my gaze to lower back to my tray, the sight making my teeth clenched, even less hungry than before.

"Hello, Hailey."

I turned to the sudden person that had stopped by my side and confusion washed over me when I see non-other than Trish Plamer standing there.

"Oh, hi." my smile didn't come as easily as memories from last Friday when I interrupted their little making out session. I wondered if she was mad at me for it, but this was Trish after all. Our Roosevelt's sweetheart and she just gave me her sweetest smile. I cleared my throat, still baffled as to why she would approach me. "Is there something you need?"

"Actually, yes." she took the seat across the small table, taking out a thin folder from her bag. "You see, I've talked to Miss Glennson about the Snow Ball decoration, since it's barely over a month from now and all. You know how it gets. As the student respresentative I need to sort some details about the theme and she told me to pass it to you."

I barely hold back a grimace.

That's right. I wasn't able to write, but apparently taking a week off wasn't vacation, no. It was a week off writing and into classifying photographies for the YearBook and organizing Snow Ball promotion. I looked at the papers Trish took out with doodles and notes as she proceeded to explain how she and the rest of the Student Council had decided to do the Ball's decoration.

I mean, yeah, I usually like these kinda things, just like I offered to do the Halloween decorations at its time, but it was humiliating for a senior to be remoted from principal writer to this.

Trish was pretty nice to talk to tho, she was kind and sweet and didn't make it a huge scene that I was leading this part of the work. She informed me of the decisions and passed me all the information so I could take it to the audiovisual club and we'd take it from there.

It wasn't until the cheer squad entered the canteen, cheering and cackling as they always do that it broke our little bubble of concentration. It was easy to see what all those pretty girls had in common. All of them beautiful, athletic, joyous... They entered the place and it immediately was filled with brighter positivity.

They made their way to the table they usually share with the players. I saw Nadia among them, walking to where Nate was sitting and seductively hugging him from behind and my guts twitched in the most painful way.

When it shouldn't!

We were just kissing, I already know these two had they rounds as well. I wasn't bothered by that. Nah uh. At all.

But then he said something that made her laugh and slid in the bench next to him and I could feel my heart skirting.

There my mood soured all the more. And even tho I tried to conceal it the best I could, Trish must notice because she followed the sudden noises and her eyes fell on the newcomers as well.

"Oh, yeah," she snorted a sarcastic laugh. "Cute, aren't they?"

The knot in my guts twitching ten times worse as Trish - the other girl Nate's been smooching with apart from Nadia and me - tilted her head there with that teasing smile. The environment shifted to uncomfortable really quick at the realization, but she apparently was unaware of it as she giggled:

"Tsk, and to think he used to be so jealous when we dated."

Right.

Because not only they were fuck buddies still, but they also were that lovely it-couple not so long ago. I, with the rest of the current senior year, had witnessed their constant drama yet it'd never ignited my puke reaction like it was doing right now.

Even though Trish words came out tauntingly nice, they felt like an attack. But she wasn't indeed provoking me, so lashing out at such a lame comment would only cause a scene and put me to shame. So I mirrored her teasing and gulped down the sudden knot in my throat, simply going for a: "I guess people change after all."

But my masochist inner-self made my gaze went back to the quarterback and the cheerleader.

I knew Nate didn't feel attached to me like I was starting to feel towards him. I shouldn't. I really shouldn't nor want it, but it was hard considering the high amount of time we spent together, the things we did together... and how in these times where I was constantly on the edge he had this soothing effect on me.

Yesterday night I sneaked out my window and met him again in the barn, so his distress would vanish. So my distress would vanish too. It felt right. I felt safe and warm and after his slip about me being his sweet tooth for a moment I let myself think...

-But then once more woke up alone, just like the last time he'd spent the night with me.

I wondered if he was like that or if it was just with me? Would he also cuddle up to Nadia? To Trish? The thought made me sick, overwhelmed, and I felt the sudden urge to bolt out the cafeteria.

But he wasn't to blame. We had a deal, to strictly limit out 'relationship' to our new discovered physical attraction. I mean, I knew he was nothing mine, and Nate himself had told me not think about us like 'us', but it was getting harder. And knowing I wasn't the only girl that get to have him like this hurt more than it did in the beginning.

We were just kissing. I was one more among -at least- two other girls. Was this really that different from what I had with Justin?

Yes, responded the little voice in the back of my head. For once, you knew the conditions. No commitment, no feelings at all.

Just.

Kissing.

And secondly: you don't like him!

"I guess." giggled Trish snapping me out my pathetic inner argument. But then her tongue clicked. "That eye looks nasty, tho." and my attention spiked up immediately. "He's been getting those a lot more now, hasn't he?"

Of course! She would know something about this, right? "Are those from fights?"

My hope was short lived when she shook her head. "I wouldn't know. Could be." her head snapped towards me, a serious look on her pretty light eyes. "Don't ask him about it, Hailey. He hates it."

I furrowed my brows at her weird response. "Do you know the reason?"

"No, as I said, he hates talking about them." Trish shrugged. "You kinda learn not to."

"But... But aren't you -I don't know- worried? Curious?"

"Was. Now it's just something that goes with the pack." she took the folder back, leaving me the papers and getting up from the bench. She then giving me a analyzing glance that made me feel like I was being tested. "I like you, Hailey I really do. So take this advisc: Nate is a really complicated person. The more you think you know him the less you do. If you're now... whatever you guys are, don't go there. Trust me, it's useless. That guy is as closed off at they get. Enjoy your little affair or whatever, but don't get your hopes too high. He'll get tired of you soon enough and move to the next. It's less painful that way."

My eyes widened, blushing deep at the sudden turn of that conversation. Well! Now this is definitely uncomfortable! And humiliating.

True, it wasn't exactly a secret that we were doing whatever, but nobody other than my friends and Justin had openly approached the matter so far. I suddenly felt extremely exposed that someone like Trish, to whom I'd barely spoken since kindergarten had an opinion on my relationship with Nate.

Or rather no-relationship. Whatever!

She smiled, weirdly ending that odd talk and with a small wave spun around and headed to the door just as the bell rang over our head, signaling the end of the lunchtime.

Unconsciously, my gaze found its way back to the players' table and my heart did a somersault when for the first time in all day I found some olive green eyes staring back.

Complicated.

Fuck boy.

Closed off.

Just kissing.

All the advises kept bombarding my mind and even if a part of me want to give in to them, another had developed this little, tiny, caring attachment against my best intentions. I wanted to get to know him, for him to want me back. For me to be enough for once in my life.

So when he smiled, waving slightly this way while his other arm still loosely around Nadia, I couldn't find it in me to wave back. Puzzled at what I was feeling, I gathered my things and joined the sea of students exiting the canteen, head low so our gazes wouldn't meet again.

: R we good?

I put the phone down, facing the counter when once more it turned up to be him. My chest still too messed up for this.

It's been like this since I 'avoided' him at school. Which shouldn't get him so bothered. He ignored me, I gave him space. Now I needed it too.

I handed the waiting lady her ice-cream and forced out a smile. "Have a nice day."

"Thanks." she grinned back and handed it down to the little girl she was with, who jumped excitedly at her dessert as I kept the change in the machine.

Next costumer step in, and then a couple more before the shop get's quiet again. As usual, it was rather deserted. A guy at the back, curved over his computer with an ice coffee in front of him and two teenage girls giggling and whispering loudly over the phone of one of them.

Not busy anymore, I retired once more to the end of the counter where I had my things spread, in the middle of my French essay. Yet the moment I sat another burst of dings as more text came.

: Hailey?

R u really mad?

Come on at least tell me why

Why?

Again I let the ittem face down with a huff, my fist clenching and my lips pursed in order not to curse out loud.

Why!

Of course there wasn't a why! I couldn't get mad over something I'd agreeded on, right? We said no commitment. This wasn't exclusive, dispite how apparently he hates even imagining me with other guys. He made it clear from the beginning I wouldn't be the only girl in his world...

Damn, I wasn't even 'a girl in his world', just someone he had fun with from time to time. He 'used' me for physical relief, as we'd agreed; so maybe I should just follow my past-self lead and go with the flow. Yet when we came out with this arrangement I wouldn't have thought I would feel... I don't know. Like this.

I like kissing him, I like feeling wanted by Nate and I love how a simple touch could make my mind go mush. It was something only he managed to do. My body naturally reacted to his for some reason, but as much as that thrilled me it also was inevitable to make me want more... more he was clearly unwilling to give.

But, wait. Did I really want more?

No!

I didn't like him like that.

Nate was charming, even sweet at times, but mostly sarcastic and reckless. Too careless and loose to actually look into something more than for what it seems.

My guts curled the more my thoughts twisted as I overthought.

Nate was a good kisser and as I said, he had this unique way of waking up the teenage hormones I'd heard of so much.

Worse, he turned me reckless and loose too, and I wasn't sure to which point that was good.

At the time we came to this agreement, I wanted to prove how much I was different from what people saw in me. The always goody-two-shoes that never takes risks and that couldn't describe fun even if it slaps her in the face.

I wanted to, for once, step out of what other people projected on me, the perfect daughter, the little sister, the teacher's pet... With Nate I was just Hailey and that was good.

What I wanted, what I feel... that was all that matters.

I liked how he makes me feel alive and free and allowed to let loose.

Taking a deep sigh, I opened my notebook and took the pen that's working as a bookmark. The tip was already touching the paper, ready to end the sentence I left unfinished when the last costumer entered the shop, but another vibration halted me. And not even three seconds later there was another.

Too on the edge to play hard to get I let down the pen again and unlocked the screen, my heart thumping hardly against my chest.

: If this is for something Trish told you, shes mad at me, dont listen to her that much

call me?

He still didn't get it. My fingers tightened the hold around the phone.

He didn't see where he did wrong and I felt like kicking myself because, in all honestly, he had no fair reason to feel wrong for. I was being irrational, but couldn't help it. I'd been walking on a thin line with my sanity for some days now. I was on the edge, about to break down.

And it was unfair.

When Nate was down or sad and needed to take his mind off, there I was -among other girls, that thought got my teeth clenching and I pushed it down.

No.

Think logically, Hailey.

I'd always known this wasn't exclusive and it never changed anything.

You don't like Nate like that.

It's just kissing.

So what? Nate gets to take advantage of this deal whenever he needed some canoodling and I wait for his call? No. I needed distractions as well. Right now. From Trish words, from the unease she planted on me, from Logan's accusing glances, and especially from the constant stress clenching my chest more often than not ever since last weekend.

Determined, I looked down at the screen again, pressing the green phone beside his name.

Time to get on with his part of the deal.

! . ? ? ?

, .