Luke was sat on his bed with his head in his hands and his teeth biting down on his tongue harshly, making pain run through his whole mouth.

He sat up in his bed and rested his back against the wall, running his hands over his - actually Ashton's - jacket, fixing the button up shirt beneath it, before standing up and walking over to the mirror.

He studied his reflection in the mirror and would much likely start to cry to what he saw if he didn't have to leave in a few minutes.

The previous events earlier today ran through Luke's mind, and he had to run a hand through his hair and tug harshly to stop himself from sobbing out desperately.

"Luke, I thought you wanted this. I brought you here because I thought you deserved it and because I think you're an amazing employee. What I've seen here is nothing like that. You're not even present and I don't see any excuses for your behavior. This is work, Luke, and you're doing anything but working. I'm counting on you to make it all up, and you get a last chance at the fair tonight"

Luke felt ashamed for having his boss telling him off. Luke was blessed to be on this trip and the only thing he had to do was to do pay attention, and he couldn't even do that.

Ever since he first locked eyes with Dani the first day in New York, his mind has been on the high road. He couldn't think clear and he was ready to cry every second of the day.

Luke thought about Ashton and their kids all the time in the start, but stopped when feeling how the hate, regret, and pain spread through his body each time he imagined Ashton's warm hazel-green eyes.

Luke had started to hate himself during these days and nights in New York, and he was slowly and desperately suffering, but he deserved it. He was an awful human being.

The only thing he needed to do to keep his job and to stop his feelings of regret, was to go to the fair with Dan. But Luke couldn't even do that right, because now he was getting ready for the dinner with Dani, completely ignoring Dan's orders.

Luke was screwing up, and he was fully aware of it, but he ignored it like a stupid, pathetic, idiotic, teenage boy. He thought that maybe if he was thinking like his teenage self, the mistakes he would make would be okay, but they obviously weren't.

Luke bit his lip, letting his lip ring run against his tongue, before letting out yet another heavy sigh. He dug around in his pocket and pulled out his phone, looking at it before unlocking it and typing in a text quickly.

I love you.

He looked at the three bold words before sending them to Ashton, turning off his phone and threw it on his bed to avoid seeing Ashton's reply.

He ran a hand through his hair again, shutting his eyes closed tightly and bit his lip harshly before exiting his hotel room and rushed to the elevator, desperately pressing the button to the lobby about 7 times before the elevator started to move.

"Fuck you, Luke. Fuck you" Luke cursed as he shook his head and avoided to look at himself in the mirror on the wall. He didn't want to look at himself anymore, because all he would see would be pure disappointment.

The elevator reached the lobby and Luke took a heavy breath before stepping out and walked over to the exit, immediately seeing the pretty brunette waiting for him.

He walked over and placed a hand on her shoulder, making her turn around and smile small up at him.

"Hi" she spoke carefully, her light layer of makeup not hiding the natural blush on her cheeks. Luke didn't believe it was because she was shy around him, he believed it was because she was still scared he'd lash out on her.

He wouldn't though, he didn't feel like there was any point. He didn't want to do it either, because he was pathetically thinking everything would turn out fine in the end.

"Hey" he breathed out and gave her a tight smile. Every inch in his body hurt, but at the same time it felt so nice to be back in her presence, so Luke stayed.

"You look nice" she breathed out as she gave Luke a soft look. Luke gave her the same look back, biting the inside of his cheek before speaking.

"Thanks. So do you"

**

The restaurant was quite busy at this early evening, but Luke's table was completely silent. Him and Dani were looking down at their plates of food, letting their knifes and forks hit the porcelain as they silently ate.

"This was a mistake, wasn't it?" Dani asked and looked up at Luke with a sad expression on her face. Luke met her eyes and bit his lip before slowly shaking his head.

"No, it wasn't," he said and placed his knife and fork down on the table again, "I'm just not sure of what to say"

"We have a lot of stuff to talk about, we're just avoiding bringing it up" Dani said and looked down at her plate again.

"We have already talked about that" Luke whispered, making Dani shake her head.

"You know fully well we haven't, Luke"

Luke sat still and watched her with thoughtful eyes, biting his lip harshly to find a way to get out of this situation. He didn't want Dani to make him realize how stupid he was.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Luke asked after a while of silence, watching Dani purse her lips and shake her head.

"No. If I could avoid it my whole life I probably would, but I can't be that selfish. Neither can you" she answered.

Luke bit his lip and nodded his head, knowing she was right but he didn't want to admit it. Luke wanted to live in his own fairytale, to make everything amazing for himself, but it only caused problems for the people around him.

"Do you want to leave?" Luke asked suddenly, making Dani look up at him with soft eyes. She hesitated before nodding her head, smiling small when Luke did so as well.

After paying the bill, they left the restaurant and walked the busy streets of New York in silence, finally slowing down when reaching a place far enough away from the traffic and city lights.

They walked slowly beside each other, a respectable distance between them as they let silence surround them.

"Do you even want to meet your son?" Luke asked after a while, his voice hoarse and quite broken.

"Of course I do," Dani whispered and looked down at her feet as she walked, "I just feel like I can't. Like, how would I act to a four year old boy who meets me for the first time? I can't present myself as his mother, I can't do that to him"

"He would be happy to know you existed, he asked for you when he was younger. Not anymore though, because he knows he won't get any answers out of me. But I know he wants a mother, he's just too sweet to show it" Luke whispered.

"If he was older he would hate me, but now he's in that age when he doesn't understand that I've been gone for almost 5 years. I can't take advantage of his innocence, Luke. That's selfish"

"Whatever you do is selfish, Dani" Luke said, his voice still soft though.

"I know, and I'll have to live with that. I truly hate myself, but I can't do anything about it. And I know I won't feel better if I'd storm into Leon's life now"

"You don't know before you've tried" Luke mumbled, making Dani sniff, and Luke now noticed the tears in her eyes.

"I don't know what to do, Luke, I just want you and Leon to be good. I want you to live happily, and I feel like you'll do that without me" Dani whispered and wiped her tears away.

"I just-" Luke spoke but cut himself off when his voice broke, "I just miss you"

Luke's voice was breaking as his own tears started to form in his eyes. He hadn't been honest about this to anyone, and it felt good to finally say it out loud, even if the person he said it to was Dani herself.

Luke felt a hand on his arm, stopping him from walking any further. Dani was holding his wrist in a comfortable grip, before Luke slowly slid his arm out of her grip to then intertwine their hands.

"I miss you too," Dani whispered and looked down at their hands, "And I wish I could make it all up for you Luke, but I'm not even worthy of the chance"

"I should be the judge of that" Luke breathed out as he stepped closer to Dani, curling his arms around her small waist.

"I'm sorry I never said sorry, but nothing I do can ever make up for what I did" Dani whispered as she slowly placed her hands flat against Luke's chest, gripping his jacked and holding him in place.

"I don't care," Luke whispered and stepped even closer, pressing their bodies together, "I just miss you. All of you"

Dani breathed shakily, Luke could hear the nerves bubbling up, but he didn't care if she was hesitant, because he wasn't. Not at this moment at least.

As Luke held Dani as close as possible, all his mind could picture was moments from nearly 6 years ago, when they would act like normal teenagers, without a worry in the world. Luke wanted to feel like that again; he wanted to be trouble free.

Without thinking any further, Luke leaned down and pressed his lips against Dani's, feeling how she tried to pull away at first but soon gave in. Both of them melted into it, desperately wanting to feel like they did when they were teenagers.

Dani gripped Luke's jacked harder as one of Luke's hands traveled up her back and settled behind her neck, pulling her closer.

Luke didn't know how he could let it all happen, but both his heart and brain were confused, making Luke not if know what he did was a mistake or not.

Dani circled her arms around Luke's waist, pushing up his jacket a bit, making his wallet fall out and land on the ground. They pulled away from each other when hearing the thump of the wallet hitting the ground.

Luke bit his lip as he watched Dani look up at him with glossy eyes and wet lips. His breathing was heavy, so was hers, as they kept holding onto each other.

"I'll get that" Dani whispered after a while and stepped out of Luke's grip to bend down and pick up the wallet of the ground. She slowly stood up again, studying the wallet intently as she held it in her hands.

"Who are they?" she whispered before turning the wallet around and showed Luke the photo she had been studying.

When Luke watched the pretty photo of Ashton holding Peach in his arms, his heart dropped and the blonde couldn't take all the regret and guilt that hit his body all in one go.

Tears started to pour out of his eyes as he stumbled back and sat down on the bench not far away. Dani was watching him intensely, a confused expression on her face as she slowly sat down beside him.

"That's my daughter," Luke breathed out through heavy sobs, making Dani part her lips in shock.

"And my fiancé" Luke added before burying his face in his hands.

"Oh my god" Luke heard Dani whisper, and it only made him cry even harder.

"I-I-" he stuttered but he couldn't form any words because he was simply broken, and it was all his fault.

"Why would you do this, Luke?" Dani asked, her voice a bit stern now, "Why would you let me ruin your life again?"

"You haven't ruined my life-"

"Of course I have, Luke! You told me you tried to kill yourself the last time! Why would you think getting close again would be a good idea? You have everything you need; a son, a daughter, and a partner to share it all with. Are you not happy with him, is that the case?"

"No," Luke breathed out and shook his head, "I-I love him so much"

"Then why do you think this is a good-"

"Because I love you too! You're my first love, I'll never stop loving you" Luke said, looking up to lock his teary eyes with Dani's.

She was quiet as she shook her head and stood up, biting her lip to keep her tears away. Luke looked at her with a pleading look on his face, yet all he felt was pure guilt.

"You don't love me, Luke. You hate me," she said and shook her head, "At least you should be"

"I don't" Luke whispered, making Dani nearly flinch.

"I-I can't do this Luke, I'm sorry. It's for your own good" he said and collected her stuff before walking away.

"You can't fucking leave me again! You can't always run away!" he yelled after her as he stood up from the bench, only to watch her disappear in the middle of the city.

**

A drunken Luke entered his hotel room with heavy steps, damp clothes, bloodshot eyes, and pure self hatred, at 2:17 am. He stumbled into his room and closed the door shut harshly before falling back against it and sliding down.

He landed on the flood with a thump and let his head fall to the side as he had no control of his body anymore. The amount of alcohol running through his system at the moment could probably be deadly, but Luke wouldn't actually mind dying right now.

With a lot of struggle, Luke crawled over to his bed and reached for his phone. Instead of lying down on his bed, he sat down on the floor at the side of it.

He turned on his phone and was immediately hit with several texts. He read through the blurry letters on his screen, seeing he had gotten at least 8 texts from Dan asking where the hell he was.

Some were from his friend and family asking him how he was, but only one caught Luke's attention.

I love you so much.

Ashton's name lightened up the screen and the five words he had sent made Luke break down crying again. Luke knew he had fucked up, and he had no idea how to fix it. Not only would just Ashton be suffering from this, but so would their kids, and Luke noticed right then what a horrible father he was.

And truthfully, at this point, Luke would do anything to leave the world forever.

•••

soz ://///

btw the epilogue will be like 10000 words so i'll have to make it into its own book or something lol probably not but with the idea i have it's gonna be long or like several parts ¿?

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