It was strange after my break down. The memories and pain faded but were never far away. Every time I closed my eyes I would remember and every now and then pain laced through my body. But there was a constant absence of emotions and thoughts that I could barely get myself to reply to anyone who spoke to me.

We stayed a further two weeks in the fairy realm helping them to rebuild it, well everyone else did, I didn't leave the room because I didn't want to see the damage I caused and face the people I would have killed.

What hurts me most is that Athena is hesitant to come near me and I haven't seen Narga since that fight where I was captured and Sylvia since she somehow hit me when I nearly killed Athena. I don't blame them. They're probably ashamed, or disgusted, or they just hate me now and want nothing to do with me...

I sighed as I sat on the bed feeling empty inside besides for the constant feeling of love coming from Beatrice through the mating bond. She hasn't let up or given up on trying to comfort me and it makes me feel worse because I don't think I deserve it, but it also makes me unbelievably happy knowing and feeling that she's always there, thinking about and loving me even with everything I've done... Wrapping my mind in that warmth she was giving me could almost push away my self hate and disgust, but sometimes it just wasn't enough.

Throughout the two weeks I've felt myself have really good days where I could go out of the room, eat something and could even stand a little blood, but the bad days were there too. I wouldn't leave the room, I hated anyone that stepped inside it, memories forced their way through Beatrice's warmth and soon I felt empty, cold and that everyone would be better, happy, if I just died. Sadly, the good days were far few between and the bad days were most common.

Today was ,thankfully, a good day where, though I felt cold and empty still, the feeling of Beatrice being constantly around me was making me feel content with how things are. A knock at the door makes me jump and my heart beat quicken before the familiar scent of my Mate came to me and I relaxed slightly.

I stood up off of the bed and went to the door to open it. Beatrice smiled at me and I sighed almost happily when I felt her love pulse down the bond. I could even return the smile with a shaky one of my own, which I could see made her extremely happy.

"Good morning Vaden, how did you sleep?" She asked softly and stepped into the room when I stepped back allowing her in. I closed the door behind her and kept my back pressed to it as I watched her.

"I didn't..." I mumbled while turning my gaze to the ground embarrassedly.

"That's okay, it's a good thing we don't necessarily need it then huh?" She replied smiling at me and even stepped a bit closer to me. It made my heart quicken and the urge to just pull her to me to feel her skin, her warmth and just her closeness that's not just on a psychic scale, had my fingers twitching. I crossed my arms around my stomach and clenched my hands into my sleeping shirt to stop them twitching.

She took another step towards me, slowly, cautiously like she was approaching a wounded animal, which I suppose she was. I haven't allowed anyone really close to me since I woke up. I could feel the need for physical contact with another living thing becoming a large needed thing inside me. I never knew how important skin contact with someone else, was such a needed thing to help me feel grounded to the world.

One last step had Beatrice close enough to me that her warm skin felt like it was burning me and I could feel her breath on my face. One more step and we'll be chest to chest and finally touching.

"How are you feeling today?" Beatrice whispered like she didn't want to disturb me and make me pull away from her.

"I-I-It's a good day." I managed to stutter out, her closeness messing with my ability to concentrate and think. Two weeks is too long since I've touched her, felt a touch.

"Good... Can I touch you Vaden?" She asked hesitantly and I'm positive she could hear how fast my heart is beating.

"Yes." I breathed out needing the contact so much but too scared that I'd hurt her if I do.

I felt her happiness as I watched her raise a hand and touched my cheek softly, so softly. I felt my heart beat slow down and my body relax. I closed my eyes so that I could fully concentrate on the feeling of her fingers, then palm, on my cheek. I turned and pushed my face slightly into her hand more revelling in the contact and the earthy book scent of my Mate.

"I've missed you Vaden." Beatrice breathed as she closed what little distance we had and wrapped her other arm around my waist before she kissed my other cheek.

All that contact after so long without it almost had my mind reeling and the urge to push her away was quickly forming inside me. But instead, I uncrossed my arms and wrapped them around her finding a place to ground myself in the here and now with the physical and psychic contact.

I buried my face into her neck taking in her scent that was just so intoxicating to me. "I'm sorry... I'm sorry." I started crying as much as I tried to stop them but the overwhelming emotions I was feeling right now was too much and I couldn't hold back.

"It's okay. It's okay Vaden, I love you." Beatrice assured me holding me to her with a strong and solid grip I needed right now.

"I could have killed you." I breathed to her, unable to get over something like that.

"You didn't, you didn't even hurt me." Beatrice giggled slightly shocking me. "It seems I can hold my own against the great Vaden who can control pure mana and is two hundred years older than me."

I was still crying, but hearing her joke made me both annoyed and happy. "I went easy on you." I grumbled and I was happy that it made her laugh.

"I know you did." She agreed while placing a kiss to my temple.

I pulled back slightly and just looked at her. I cupped a hand to her cheek and ran my thumb over her smooth skin. Looking into those stunning silver eyes I sighed softly in content. "Your eyes haunted me even when I was under Enrique's thumb. It was the main reason I tried to break the conditioning and the wall just so that I could see your eyes and know who they belonged to. Even when I wasn't totally myself you were still there to comfort me."

Said eyes started tearing up and I was almost overwhelmed by the happiness she was feeling. "I love you Vaden."

"And I, you, my darling." I sighed with a soft smile before I slid my fingers through her hair at her nape and pulled her to me for a kiss.

It just felt so completely right even if in the back of my mind I knew I was a mess and that I wasn't alright and won't be for a very long time, just knowing that Beatrice was going to be with me even through everything I've done, makes me look forward to a future with her, even if I'm afraid of the bad days that'll come.

A knock from the door behind me made me jump and immediately pull away from Beatrice whose lips were bruised and cheeks red, which I found adorable. I moved out of Beatrice's hold and went to the window to look out over the capital. I don't want to talk to anyone else and they just ruined my mood. I was back in that empty cold space and I winced as slight pain made my head hurt.

"What?" Beatrice asked in an annoyed voice when she opened the door.

"Oh, sorry, did a interrupt something?" It was lady Aviva.

"No, well yes you did, but it's fine." Beatrice sighed.

I gripped the edges of the window frame as the feeling of two powerful people were in the same room as me and I suddenly felt cornered. I tried to slow my breathing but the familiar feeling of being trapped with too many people in a room had my body trembling. Lady Aviva's power that I could feel coming off of her was similar to Enrique's and even though I know she wouldn't hurt me, it still made me uncomfortable. The memories of when Enrique and two orcs started torturing me came to my mind that I couldn't shake it away.

"Aviva you need to leave." Beatrice said hurriedly and I could feel lady Aviva's golden gaze on my back. "Aviva, your power is too much for Vaden to stand right now."

"What do you mean?" She asked back even when I felt her retreating back to the door.

I pressed my forehead to the glass in the window trying to calm down and push the feelings away.

"I will get Vaden ready to leave, please just go."

"Okay." I breathed a sigh of relief as the power lady Aviva holds stopped pressing up against me like it was trying to smother me into submission.

"Are you okay?" Beatrice whispered worriedly to me.

I kept my forehead to the cool glass. "Her power reminds me of Enrique's and having you both in the same room just..." I couldn't finish my sentence. Am I really this weak? I've been through so much already why can't I handle these memories and feelings like before?

"Vaden, it's okay." Beatrice tried to assure me and I flinched slightly when I felt her hand on my back but I didn't move away, not from her, not anymore, I need her too much.

"Wh-what did you mean I need to get ready to leave?" I stuttered out pushing my mind away from the past and to the present.

"We're heading back to the estate today, so we need to pack and be ready to leave by tonight." She answered stepping up beside me, her hand never leaving contact with my back.

Fear gripped me as images of the fairies in the capital that would come out to say farewell happily but when they saw me their faces would either turn to fear or disgust and then they'd demand retribution for all that I did and I would do it because I deserve it. I'd be chained up again, in another small room, while a fairy or fairies would come in, beat me, torture me, use me. Nothing new, nothing different and I would deserve it all.

"No one's going to hurt you Vaden." Beatrice told me seriously and I just realised that I was trembling in fear and my claws had slid out into the wooden wall near the window. "And they're not going to be afraid of you either. No one besides for those at the camp know who you are, and... Not even many of those survived the fire."

"And that's meant to make me feel better?!" I exclaimed pushing away from her shaking my head, just feeling so disgusted in myself. All those fairies, dead because of me, again. Where does the line of monstrosity and mistakes I've made end? They deserve retribution. All their family members mourning those that didn't even need to die. I should go to the king, go to the king tell him what I did and he can do what he wants to me. Have the family members do what they want or need to feel better again, because they would still have their son or daughter, their wife or husband, their brother or sister, if it wasn't for me.

"Stop." Beatrice ordered having gotten right in front of me without me realising it. She placed her hands on either side of my face making me look at her. "Stop thinking about things that you had no control over. You weren't in control, you weren't you. Whatever happened, whatever you were made to do, wasn't your fault in any way shape or form. Everything that happened is Santano Enrique's fault and he should be the one to be punished."

I don't believe her, I can't, but I don't say anything, I couldn't. I just stared into her eyes as a sadness filled me. The familiar sadness I've been feeling these past two weeks where it's not the type where I cry all the time, but more of a sadness that overwhelms my entire body, leaving my heart aching and my stomach empty. Making me feel weak and tired. A sadness that was even in my dreams. A sadness that I just couldn't escape.

"Will you bathe with me?" Beatrice asked softly and I know that she can feel my sadness, it makes me feel guilty that she has to be burdened with me too.

I just nodded my head not feeling... anything. She grabbed my hand and pulled me along with her into the bathroom where she undressed me then herself and I couldn't even react. What happened to a moment ago when we were making out like we were normal?

She helped me into the bath with soft hands before she also stepped in and I didn't do anything but look at my reflection in the water. With each ripple from Beatrice's movements as she washed me, my reflection moved and it looked to me like it was flickering back and forth between the crazed monster I became covered in blood and with insanity in her smile, and how I was before, normal. Now I was this, this empty thing stuck in the middle between both sides of who I was and just feeling nothing because I am too scared and too weak. How pathetic.

I closed my eyes unable to stand looking at my reflection and soon enough I was coaxed out of the bath and dressed in my soft leather pants and boots followed by my white long sleeved shirt and vest. She strapped Rhoa az to my thigh, even though I was highly reluctant to touch any type of weapon again. I watched as Beatrice bent down to pick up something from under the bed and I was surprised to find qoy indelat was in her hands when she stood back up.

"This is yours too right?" She asked me and a sudden spark of hope ran through my mind. It's been more than three days since I fed him blood, which means... he's going to take my soul, which also means I no longer have to live this life of living in the middle between who I was and what I am now.

I took the sword from her and found myself once again in the world of black with only a circle of fire around us giving light. I looked forward and found qoy sitting on a black wooden seat finely sculpted and plush with red cushions. It looked comfortable and he looked quite comfortable sitting on it too. I was amazed by how he looked right now. He had actual muscle and fat on his frame. His skin and hair looked healthy and clean. He looked a new and well fed man. Though he was still naked and that made me uncomfortable.

"It's been more than three days." He stated.

"It has." I agreed with a nod. "I apologise for not abiding by the deal, you may take what you're owed."

I was surprised when he shook his head. "I feed off of blood like any normal Nightwalker, but I am not a Nightwalker. I feed off of blood because of the life it is and represents. You Vaden, servant of Lady Aviva Deveraux and Mate to Beatrice Deveraux, have a light inside you that is nothing normal for a Nightwalker to have. It is pure and full of life, the exact life I live off of. So while you were moping around sulking about everything you've done and been through, I've been feeding off of your light and it is more than enough substance to keep the deal going. Though I still like blood and feeling flesh part between my blade."

I felt deflated and I realise that that's bad but... I thought I wouldn't have to deal with this emptiness anymore.

"I know you were hoping I would take your soul, though even if I did it would be useless to me because the life you hold would disappear. Plus, do you really want to leave your Mate? She will die without you, literally. Mates don't live long when their other half dies. So if you die Beatrice will follow you soon enough anyway." He stated matter of factly. It made me feel beyond guilty and terrible. I really am selfish. To think I could just escape my horrors without any drawbacks was stupid to think. I sighed and just felt sadder than before.

"I don't understand why you're so down. Yeah you were tortured, had your mind played with, killed so many people, destroyed a lot of the forest and nearly killed your friends..." He drawled making me glare at him, how can he say all that so nonchalantly? "But does that not give you a reason to get stronger? Isn't that reason enough for you to learn how to fight back against having your mind messed with? Will you not train harder to protect your loved ones not only from yourself but from others too? Is all that you went through not reason for you to prove that you're not some weak little girl because you survived something no other would have, or should have? You went through hell and back, I can even see that, even though I've been to hell too. But you are strong in your own way and just need to get stronger so that this will never happen again."

To say I was shocked by his words would be an understatement. Is he right? Is everything I went through just more reasons to get stronger to protect my family? Of course it is. He's completely right. Instead of moping around being scared of hurting someone or getting hurt. I need to control what I've now become because I can no longer go back to how I was before, I can't go back in time and I'll never allow myself to became like that thing again, so I have to become someone else, someone better and stronger.

I will never again let someone control me. Never again.

"Good. Now go away, I want to sleep." He grumbled at me and for the first time in a long while I smiled a true smile.

I opened my eyes and looked at Beatrice who was standing in front of me looking worried. I smiled at her and her eyes widened. "I'm sorry for being so much trouble lately Beatrice, but I'm no longer going to be like that. I'm not going to allow myself to become weak again and I don't want to give up like I was doing. So I'm sorry for how I've been acting lately and I hope that you'll help me to get better."

Beatrice smiled even as tears trickled from her eyes and I quickly hugged her when she jumped at me. "I'll do anything for you Vaden, anything."

"I can't say I'm going to be perfectly okay right away just because of a few words and a realisation, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to be in the future." I told her as I breathed in her wonderful scent and revelled in feeling her against me.

"That's okay. I will be here for you whenever you need me and so will everyone else." She replied leaning back so that she could wipe at her eyes. She smiled at me brightly. "I'm just glad you're coming back. I could feel you slipping away from me and it was the scariest feeling I've ever gotten, I hated not knowing what to do to help you before."

"Just being here and feeling you constantly through the bond has been enough, I'm sorry for making you feel that way as well." I kissed her forehead and pulled her back into me. "But now I have to go say sorry and see if Athena's okay. I must have terrified the poor girl with the way I was acting."

"Don't worry, she'll forgive you. I'm sure she was just upset that you were hurting and she couldn't do anything to help." Beatrice assured me and tried to pull away from me but I didn't let her.

"I will see her right after this." I told her before pulling her into a kiss that was a lot about tongue, lips and teeth. I started to feel better almost immediately with that.

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