The forest burned to ashes wherever the great zhavorsa's flaming breath touched. It was a magnificently deadly sight that was more beautiful than anything I've ever seen.

"No!" Silver eyes screamed looking utterly and completely horrified as she looked at the forest.

I flittered in front of her faster than eyes could see when she was about to run off. "And where do you think you're going?" I asked her with a smile. "We're not done here yet."

"You idiot! You fool! Stop it! Stop him from burning the forest! God damn it Athena's in there!" She screamed at me and I was shocked when she pushed me like a child having a tantrum. "You'll kill her!"

"Athena?" I wondered out loud my body frozen from hearing the name. A memory of a small warm body thin enough to easily be snapped like a twig curled up against my own whispered through my mind followed by the image of a little girl with rugged black hair, sunken skin but with a smile brighter and warmer than the sun.

Silver eyes pushed me again with tears streaming down her face before she dropped her hunting knife and ran off into the forest. What was happening? Why couldn't I move? A spark of pain from the conditioning speared through my head but I easily ignored it when the wall in my mind began to crumble.

I picked up the hunting knife only to have a pale white fist slam into the side of my head coming from out of nowhere. I fell to the ground and looked up in shock to find a partially translucent woman looking both angry and sad beyond belief.

"You promised to protect her!" The woman shouted at me. My body convulsed as pain laced through it as the wall crumbled and the hold master Enrique held over me was broken... and I remembered.

Sylvia glared down at me with pain and heat in her eyes. "You promised." She spat at me.

I looked towards the burning forest with dread filling my soul. How could I have done this...? Am I really that weak to have not even known that I was being controlled? I was going to kill them... I was hurting them and I didn't even care. I cried out from the searing pain crashing through my body.

The wall might have broken down and I might have remembered who I am, but that didn't stop the pain of the conditioning Enrique put me through wasn't still intact. It made excruciating pain race through my body like nothing I've ever felt before, not even when I was in the cell Enrique placed me in whenever I managed to break conditioning before.

"I see... so this is the real person who summoned me." I opened my eyes barely to see the little dragon standing in front of me looking into me like he could see my soul. "That creature Enrique really did a number on you didn't he little one? I'm surprised you're still conscious with the amount of pain you must be in. I never liked that man, if you can call him that, but to do this to someone as pure as you..." The dragon shook his head. "The nightmares and pain you'll go through if you survive... it'll be better if you died today." He sighed then. "But that's not my place to decide. Summon me again if you survive little one, you're going to need all the help you can get in the future if you do."

I closed my eyes tight as I fought to gain control of my spasming body.

"What a disappointment." I growled at Enrique's voice that echoed through my mind. "You were so perfect in every way. Dangerous, powerful, bloodthirsty. Everything I needed and wanted in a perfect pet. If only you weren't so susceptible to stupid human emotion. That's the only thing that makes you so weak. Love, companionship, family." He spat out his words with disgust. "Pathetic and silly emotions that creatures like us don't need. But oh well... one day I'll have you again and I'll make sure that you'll never escape, I'll completely lock your mind away making it impossible for you to defy me... I'm looking forward to it my little pet."

Then he was gone and I was left writhing on the ground from the pain of the conditioning and remembering everything that creature did to me and made me do. I felt sick, disgusted... I've never hated myself more than I do right now, not even when I killed Sylvia. The things I've done...

Please, please just let me die today, I won't be able to live with the guilt, the shame...

I was even warned that this was going to happen! And yet I did nothing! I was too weak to fight against the torture I was put through and I couldn't escape.

"Vaden?" Someone was shaking me but I couldn't control my body anymore, the memories of the past week running through my mind like a broken record causing disgust to fill me as I remembered ever touch that was forced on my body and ever dig into my mind like slimy fingers slipping into my head and arranging it to their whim. I felt violated like never before. Not even the humans when I was living on the streets were able to make me fill this revolted with myself.

"Vaden can you hear me?" That was lady Aviva's voice.

I opened my eyes as much as I could through the pain and grabbed her arm in a grip that had my knuckles turning white. I looked up into her gold eyes that were wide and her face was pale, I was shocked by the fear that was in her eyes. Is she afraid of me or for me? Either way, I don't deserve it.

"Kill me." I told her gripping onto her arm tighter. I could barely feel my body through the pain, or maybe I was feeling it too much, either way, it'll be more torture for me if I live than if I die, just as the little dragon said. "Please..."

Aviva shook her head making me want to cry if I wasn't already. Please, please just stop this pain. Stop these memories from hurting me more than anything physical could ever do. Please... please...

I couldn't keep my eyes open and I couldn't fight the memories. My mind plunged into darkness that was full of the conditionings pain and the memories of the Orcs and of Enrique and what they did to me in that cell.

Please... please... just kill me.

*

I had woken up in bed with Beatrice on one side of me and Athena on the other. I was clean and dressed in light clothes used to sleep in. I looked down at myself and felt my skin crawl. I was still alive... why?

"Vaden?" I looked down at Athena as my name was called and only felt regret and disgust at the sight of the young girl. Why was I still alive? "Are you okay now?" The little girl asked, but I couldn't get myself to speak to her. Why is she even speaking to me? I would have killed her without a second thought. I was going to.

I got out of the bed and went to the window unable to look at her or myself anymore. I felt cold on the inside and out. I winced as a spike of pain ran through my mind making it ache. I looked out of the window and found that we were back at the capital still in the fairy realm. I don't want to be here anymore.

"Vaden?" Athena was talking to me in her little worried voice but I couldn't stand it. I could have killed her.

I flinched and moved away from her when she tried to touch me. I shivered in disgust as the feeling of rougher hands, larger hands echoed from my memories. I closed my eyes and shook my head wanting it all to just go away. I jumped in shock and quickly stumbled backwards when someone touched my shoulder. I tripped and fell onto the ground looking up in terror with my heart beating out of control in my throat.

The image of Enrique standing before me with a hot iron rod fell in front of my eyes making me remember exactly what he had done to me during that session when I accidentally breached the wall in my mind.

"NO! NO! Don't touch me! Please!" I begged in fear curling up to protect my stomach, which didn't show the scarring of what happened but it felt like it was all still there.

"Vaden! Vaden we're not going to hurt you." It was Beatrice but I felt no calmer than before. I was shaking, trembling, hurting... Why am I still here?

I felt a feeling of calm seep into my panic riddled mind allowing my tense body to relax. "Shh, it's okay Vaden, it's okay, I'm here." Beatrice whispered and I felt her calmness flow into me that I sucked up with intensity.

I placed my face into her neck as I let my mind fall into hers on the psychic plane surrounding myself in her calm. I gripped her to me needing her to take away the images and the pain. She held me while running her hand up and down my back soothingly.

"Why? Why am I here?" I asked her softly still trembling and wrapped around her but with a bit sounder mind... for the mean time. "I was going to kill you. I could have killed you."

She just hushed me and her arms around me tightened. "It wasn't you Vaden."

"But it was!" I exclaimed pulling away from her quickly, I tried to get away from her but my own body wouldn't allow me to.

"It wasn't." She replied seriously as her hands came up to grab my face between then. "I have no idea what you went through but it was enough to push you back, the real you back, and whatever that was, wasn't you, it was something Enrique made and placed inside you."

I shook my head before hanging it in defeat and closing my eyes. "It wasn't. It was me, a part of me that's still inside me. It was me... it was me."

Beatrice just pulled me back to her and placed a kiss to my forehead. I didn't deserve this. I don't deserve any of this. I killed so many. I hurt so many more. I nearly let Athena get killed and I would have hurt my friends, my family.

I felt so cold still. So empty and tired. I winced and flinched again as pain went through my head, remnants of the tattered conditioning I was put through.

"Are you okay?" Beatrice asked having felt me flinch.

I placed my hands to my temple and bowed my head waiting for the pain to pass. "Every time I managed to breach the wall in my mind that hid everything Enrique wanted to block, intense pain would cripple me until I passed out or gave up trying to see beyond the wall. He called it conditioning. The pain is something I unconsciously do to myself."

"How is that possible?"

"When he first captured me, I don't know how long it was, but it felt like years. I wasn't able to sleep, I was starved, and all I could hear was my own screams and Enrique's voice. Soon images started to appear with the words he would say and feelings that I don't know if they were my own or not, would well up inside me. The next minute I found myself obeying him. The pain, the lack of food and just the lack of peace you find in sleep, broke me. If I didn't do as he said I was back in that cell doing it all over again. The conditioning is that pain I went through whenever I went against him. Subconsciously I started to punish myself with it whenever I would disobey him."

Beatrice wrapped her arms around me. "I'm going to kill him." I felt like laughing but nothing would come out. I slumped against her and sighed. I'm so tired. "Are you hungry Vaden?" She asked next, but I wish she hadn't.

I immediately felt my fangs lengthen and the urge to feed on anything living had my body trembling. I could smell everyone's blood in the whole capital and the familiar need to kill and destroy welled up within me.

And then Athena moved from her place on the bed where she was watching us. Human... I haven't had human in so long...

What are you thinking Vaden! I shouted in my head trying to control myself, it was a failing battle. Having been living off only blood for the last week, it's already changed my dietary needs.

"Beatrice... I need you to get Athena and yourself out of here and lock the door, barricade it or something." I told her through gritted teeth.

"What's wrong Vaden? Why?" I shook my head at her questions.

"Beatrice please, I need to feed but when I do I'll most probably kill whoever I'm feeding on." I told her seriously my claws slipping out of my fingertips to slide into the wooden floor of the room.

"Athena, leave the room and lock the door behind you." Beatrice ordered the girl with a slight sternness in her voice.

"Okay." Athena whispered and I could feel that she was upset and scared. Is she scared of me? Have I ruined what bond we had? Of course I have, I was going to kill her. Athena left the room and locked the door but it didn't help my need for blood.

"You need to leave as well." I told Beatrice who has stayed behind, but she didn't move.

"Nothing will get better if we don't do anything about it now." She replied making me want to shake her and yell at her about how much of a mistake she was making. But my body didn't move and I was so hungry.

Gathering every last bit of resolve, I stood up and stumbled over to where my rhoa az was lying on the bedside table. Grabbing it, I went back to Beatrice near the window and pressed it to her chest. I looked into her eyes as seriously as I could.

"The second you start getting dizzy or think I'm getting out of control. Stab me, or knock my out." I demanded her.

She looked down at rhoa az before nodding her head even when I could feel how much she didn't want to use it. "Okay Vaden." She whispered looking back at me sadly.

I breathed a slight sigh of relief before the instincts Enrique instilled in me returned and the next second I had my fangs in her neck. I couldn't hold back the moan of pleasure at her taste. That was until the image of the young fairy girl I had tortured to death came to mind making me rip away from Beatrice and retch all that I had drunk onto the floor while the pain of the conditioning hit me tenfold.

It hurt but remembering what I had done was worse. I deserved this pain. I can't believe I could do such a thing. I cried out from the pain and the horror of what I was remembering. I couldn't do it, I couldn't do it. I can't taste blood again and not remember what I've done. I can't believe it... why am I still here? Why did I think, even for a second, everything would be okay? I'm a monster. A disgusting, evil, murdering monster.

I could feel Beatrice trying to calm me through the mating bond but it wasn't working. I was sinking, drowning in despair for what I've done. The images of mangled bodies that I had enjoyed toying with made me retch again, though this time nothing came out and I just trembled and quaked on the ground.

Beatrice tried to touch me but I pushed her away. Don't touch me, don't touch me I'll just hurt you. Don't touch me I'm sick, I'm a monster. God, the need for blood but the utter hate for myself were waring in my mind tearing me in two different directions that I just couldn't find a middle ground. I needed blood because it was a need and a want inside me, but the taste of it reminds me of all that I've done. That fairy didn't deserve what I did to her. Those orcs didn't even deserve what I did to them. I wiped out nearly two thirds of their whole population, and all they were doing was following Enrique's orders because their realm was dying and Enrique had a quick solution.

I killed without regard. I played without an ounce of guilt or regret. I murdered, killed and massacred without a thought to what that was truly doing to not just me but everything and everyone else.

Yet still the thought of death and being covered and surrounded in blood created an euphoric feeling within me like it did before. Should I not be free of these feelings since I am no longer under Enrique's control? Or am I still feeling them because deep down it's what I truly wanted, what I truly love?

So cold. So tired. So hungry.

Regret, guilt, anger, hate, disgust, terror. The emotions I was feeling was just adding to the mayhem inside me. My memories haunting my mind's eye reminding me of everything I've done. Even if I was also hurt. Even if I was also destroyed on such a fundamental level. Even if the thought of being touched or touching someone again made my skin crawl and made me feel like curling up on the ground to die. I can't help feeling that I deserved everything I went through in that cell when Enrique played with me, when he hurt me, when he placed his sickening hands on me... when he allowed the orcs to touch and hurt me too... what I did to that fairy and what I felt during the slaughter of those orcs, I can't help but think I deserve everything I'm being put through.

All of a sudden I just couldn't feel anything. It's like the war in my mind just stopped not because a side won but because they wiped each other out leaving nothing in its wake. The memories still fluttered through my mind and the pain of the conditioning still wracked my body, but I just couldn't react to it.

Only a continued thought echoed around the empty space now. Only that thought, those memories and that pain could run through my empty mind.

Why am I still here? Lady Aviva should have killed me. I shouldn't be here...

I shouldn't be here.

Please comment and vote if you like the story so far! Thank you!

P.S. Don't worry things will get better, after a while at least.