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[shawn]

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the slight condensation formed from the glass of beer i was holding coated my hand; a small breeze was led around the restaurant from the large veranda doors being open, the early evening summer air raising the mood of the dinner.

"saw anya earlier," niall says to me, as the other two engage in their own chatter, eagerly discussing something to do with space, or earth, i wasn't exactly paying attention. "she looked good, how's she been?"

"she's doing well," i answer, my cheeks flushing and my heart skipping a beat at the simple thought of her. "yeah, she's incredible man," i chuckle, looking down at my beer. "you know, things have been difficult lately, but fuck, she's the best part of everything."

"you're talking as if you know she's the one," niall grins at me, taking a sip of his drink.

"i mean she is," i smile to myself, "she's the mother of my child, fuck, she's everything to me."

"i'm really happy for you guys, you deserve it all," he tells me, patting my back as i raise my glass up to my lips, taking a long gulp of the alcoholic beverage.

"thanks man, should've invited her tonight, she- fuck," my eyes go wide, and i slowly place my drink down onto the table, anxiety creeping into my mind. "fuck! i was supposed to go on a date with her tonight! fuck!" i curse, standing up immediately, taking my wallet out and throwing down a fifty dollar bill onto the dark wood table. "oh fuck sake, she probably thinks i bailed on her, fuck!"

"woah, shawn, mate calm down," niall says to me, standing up and placing his hand on my shoulder, but i'm quick to shove it away.

"no, you-" i cut myself off with a sigh. "things weren't okay between me and her till last night. i need to go, i'm sorry," i mutter, picking up my beer again and chugging half of the glass down, feeling the alcohol only fuel the adrenaline pumping through my veins.

"okay, alright, see you later mate-" i cut off everything else, the thought of anya upset being the only thing on my mind, making me incredibly nervous and scared to what was going to happen.

just as she was beginning to trust me again, i had to go and fuck it up.

how the fuck could i say yes to james when i saw him in the corridor, when i was on my way to go meet anya for our date? how could i so easily forget? how could i be so stupid?

i quickly order an uber back to the hotel, and pace about on the street, feeling the box i bought her this morning press up to my thigh from the pocket of my trousers, flooding me with panic and anxiety immediately. the little box i bought her only this morning, containing the ring engraved with avery's time of birth, the gift i was going to give her to show her i was in it for the long run, the band that meant in due course i was going to propose to her after at least a few years, but the band that would prove to her i would be hers forever.

"such a fucking idiot," i mutter to myself, getting out of the uber, practically sprinting into the hotel, heading straight to the elevators. the incoherent, annoying elevator music filled my ears, and i wanted nothing more than to rip the speakers out of the small lift, the sound irritating me more than myself.

i looked down at my watch, the time reading 9pm. it took me two whole hours to actually remember where i had to be, and if that doesn't show how much of a shitty boyfriend i was to anya, i don't know what else would.

i had made her feel pain probably different to any sort of pain she had already experienced over the last few weeks, and me forgetting about this date that she probably thought was us getting ourselves out of this situation, pushed me straight back to the start of even earning her trust back, and even with that, i don't even think she would risk trying to give me her trust again.

she was probably feeling horrible. i had led her on from last night, i had seen a part of her last night that i know has always been special to her, and now i was most likely making her feel completely insignificant.

the card felt cold against my hands as i slid it into the metal reader, unlocking the hotel room door, being greeted by the now familiar sound of sadness. the lights were dim in the lounge, and they were probably going to be pitch black in the bedroom.

"anya? baby?" i call softly, pushing the door open to the bedroom, seeing her simply sitting down on top of the duvet covers, playing with one of avery's stuffed toys, which i recognised as one of anya's old ones when she was younger, and the oh so familiar red badge on the floppy ear finding itself lodged into her fingers, immediately making me know she feels nothing but upset. "anya i'm-"

"i-it's okay," she mumbles, cutting me off unexpectedly, a small sniffle following her quiet voice.

"no it isn't," i say quietly, walking over to the bed, and sitting down by her side, as she quickly shuffles away. "anya, please," i whisper, tears glazing my own eyes as i see a few slip down her cheeks. "i'm so so sorry."

"i-i said i-it was-was o-okay," she stutters, her voice breaking straight at the end, as she squeezes onto the bunny rabbit gently, wrapping her arms around it.

"but it's not okay," i say quietly to her. "i don't even know why i forgot so easily, i'm so damn sorry sweetheart, i'm so sorry."

"b-but that's the thing," she says gently, as she puffs out a small sigh, her bottom lip trembling.

"babe, don't push yourself, stay calm," i whisper, slowly placing my hand on her back, only for her to move away again.

"y-you say sorry to me, b-but how do i know that you're being honest? h-how do i know?" she weeps, wiping her cheeks with her thumbs, letting out another sniffle.

"because i love you, anya," i say softly to her, my heart breaking for the deeply upset woman next to me. "i love you."

"i-i saw you leave the hotel, i-" she cuts herself off, letting a sad chuckle pass her lips. "i was waiting right there, fuck i-i saw niall! and y-you just left! j-just like that!" she bursts all of a sudden, make me jump slightly in shock. "how fucking dare you? h-how dare you even do that to me?"

"anya i can't help myself from forgetting-" i begin to say in my defence.

"not forgetting! i don't give a shit about that!" she yells, putting down the soft toy, and quickly getting up from the bed, pulling her robe tightly around her. "h-how could you have sex with me, make me fucking forget about everything? make me forget about how badly you've been treating me? make me forget about how much pain i've felt over the last few weeks, forget about all the words you've thrown my way, make me forget about everything?"

"i-"

"no shawn! i feel so fucking used by you! i feel like i'm a piece of gum under your shoe, i feel so fucking disgusting, i feel like you're controlling how i feel and i hate it!" she screams, the tears now racing down her cheeks, as she hiccups away her sobs, crying softly into her hand, as she places her other hand on her waist. "i-i can't do this anymore."

"w-what are you saying, anya?" i immediately say, panic rushing through me, as i feel my heart drop to my stomach. "no baby, no please, no, don't do this, please- fuck don't do this, please-"

"what else am i supposed to do?" she cries, her voice tired and strained, as she lets out a sob. "what can i do? how do i know that you're not gonna flip at me tomorrow? how do i know that everything between us is going to be okay?"

"please darling, i-i'll show you, i promise, please just-"

"please stop promising me things, please don't make a promise you can't keep," she says desperately, sadness laced into her voice. "i-i don't deserve this."

"i know you don't, and i'm trying so hard- i'm so sorry i forgot, i didn't even realise, but i swear as soon as i did i raced over here as fast as i could, baby, fuck, you mean everything to me, i'm so damn sorry," i beg to her, letting the tears slip out of my eyes at last, standing up from the bed and walking over to her, grabbing onto her hands. "please anya, please baby, i'm yours, i'm all yours, don't let me go, please."

"i-" she cuts herself off with a loud cry, almost making me feel the pain she feels, and it's only when i look into her glassy eyes, i finally realise how much i've broken her. "i'm done. i can't- i'm done."

"don't do this anya, baby, please don't do this, please my love, please-" i beg, shaking my head as my own words turn into cries, my shoulders shaking as i see her completely crumble. "you're my everything anya- f-fuck i mean that, you are my everything. please. oh god- we're anya and shawn, we can get through this baby, don't give up on us, please don't give up."

"i-" she cuts herself off again, as i quickly sigh, bringing her into my arms and holding her tightly against my chest, as she cries into my white shirt, clutching it tightly in her fists. "damn you, damn you," she mumbles over and over again, as i feel her body physically shake against mine.

"shh, shhh," i whisper, rubbing my hands over her back, playing with the ends of her hair, the tears not stopping from rolling down my cheeks. "shh baby, shh, it's okay. i'm here. shh, everything's okay. it's all okay. i love you so much, shh." anya suddenly looks up from my chest, her eyes beady, red, and puffy from all the crying she's been doing.

"w-what's in your pocket?" she asks me slowly, making me immediately freeze. "shawn?" she mumbles, pressing herself closer to the side of my trousers the ring box is in.

"i-" i begin with a sigh, pulling my arms away from her, pushing my hand into my pocket, taking out the black velvet box. "it's not what you might think it is." he face holds something even more than confusion, and i sigh again, placing my hands on her arms, leading her back to the couch, making her gently sit down, before i sit down next to her, opening up the box, and handing it to her.

"i mean it," i start, as she shakily takes the box, taking the ring out of the silky white mound. "you know, i mean it when i say you are my everything," she gazes down at the ring, before looking back up at me.

"avery's time of birth," she mumbles gently, bringing it up to her lips and kissing it softly.

"i love you, anya," i say desperately. "and fuck, i know, i know it hasn't seemed like it lately, but you truly are the most important person in my life, and i am so sorry for the way i've been treating you. i don't deserve someone as good as you, and you certainly do not deserve someone who's gonna treat you like how i've been treating you lately. i don't know what was going through my head when i said yes to james- honestly i really do have no idea, but i am so, so, so damn sorry anya rose. slap me, kick me, yell at me, do whatever you want to get your anger out, but please don't end us. please anya, i don't know what i would do with my life if you weren't there. you're my favourite part of the day from the second i wake up to the second i fall asleep. you're always on my mind, and fuck, i am the luckiest guy in the world to have you as the mother of my child."

"shawn..." she trails off, shaking her head. "i-i just don't know if i mentally have the energy anymore."

"talk to me baby, please," i say gently to her, as she sighs softly, slipping the ring on one of her fingers, before wiping her cheeks with the back of her hand.

"everything was going so well between us, a-and all of a sudden you just snap at me and start calling me things, being rude to me, making-making me feel like shit, fuck shawn i've been hurting so much over the past few weeks and-" she cuts herself off. "i just can't keep going on like this." then, as if the knife in my heart couldn't be plunged deeper. "i'm so sorry, shawn, but i really can't deal with any of this anymore, it hurts too much to even imagine, a-and it kills me to say it b-but i'm done. i can't do this anymore, i think we should break up."

"is that what you really want?" i ask her, my voice a mere whisper, as tears fill my eyes yet again. she nods her head, gulping visibly, before letting a few more tears slip down her cheeks.

"i love you so much, shawn," she says, making the lump in my throat practically double in size. "but we can't go on like this."

"okay," i nod, letting a small breath of air push past my lips. "you know what they say," i mumble, a tear slipping out of my eye. "right love, wrong time."

"mhm," she says, her voice suddenly going high pitch. "um, i'm gonna go get avery."

"w-wait but what are we gonna do about me touring?" i ask quickly, sniffling gently as she stands up from the bed, folding her arms to her chest. "i-i can't just be thousands of miles away from her."

"i-i guess i'll stay for the rest of the tour," she shrugs, biting her lower lip. "i can't deprive you of seeing your daughter."

"a-are you sure? i-i can easily cancel and delay-"

"no," she says immediately. "please don't do that. you're so happy when you're performing, and your fans don't deserve that. you don't deserve sacrificing your shows. it's okay."

"um, we'll talk about things later," i say softly. "y-you can have this room, i-i'll go get another one or room with brian or someone."

"o-okay," she whispers, wiping her tears away for the last time. she steadies herself, taking a few breaths, before walking out of the room, shutting the door gently behind her.

the quiet, lonely aura makes me finally realise that she needed this breakup more than anything. just seeing me all the time was probably eating her alive. it just kills me that everything was my fault, and i have no idea if she will ever forgive me for everything i did to her.

that's when the pain kicks in for me, and i'm finally in her shoes.

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