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[anya]

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"you excited?" connor asks me, as brian hands me a bottle of cold water.

"uh huh," i nod, my cheeks flushing gently. "we haven't been on an actual date for a while, i'm so excited."

"is avery with shawn?" brian asks me, sitting down on the couch beside me. i nod in response, smiling gently to myself.

"yeah, but andrews gonna take her later. he heard about us going for dinner and actually being romantic again, so he decided to step in as uncle gerty and take her for the night so shawn and i can be alone," i explain, a small laugh leaving my lips.

"yeah, because you definitely didn't have enough alone time last night," brian teases, making my cheeks flame red.

"what the fuck how-"

"you two aren't exactly quiet, anya," connor chuckles, as my cheeks flush even more than they already were. "especially shawn. anyway."

"oh my god," i mutter in embarrassment, as connor and brian both laugh at me, myself rolling my eyes in response. "right, enough of that, what the fuck do i wear tonight?"

"shawn would love you even if you turned up in a potato sack, just being honest," brian says to me. "actually i swear he's seen you in a potato sack."

"close, but it was a hospital gown," i say back sarcastically, standing up from the couch and opening up my suitcase, sighing loudly as i take out two baby bottles instead of clothes. "swear to god, these things are everywhere. shawn found one in the pocket of his sweatpants the other day."

"well, you are parents," connor points out like it's the most obvious thing in the world.

"no shit," i reply back, taking out a pair of black jeans, along with a baby blue wrap blouse. "how's this?"

"i love how you're asking us instead of alessia and liv," brian tells me, going into my suitcase and pulling out a pair of beige wedges. "you'll be great with these."

"thanks boys," i grin, taking the wedges and rushing to the bathroom to quickly get dressed. i take my hoodie off, gasping at the small red marks dotted over my chest and neck, standing out from my skin, and making my cheeks flame even more than they already were.

i pull on the blouse and jeans, quickly doing up my shoes, before looking in the mirror at my appearance. i let out a small huff, frowning slightly at the little amount of baby weight left; even though i've lost the majority of it, there was still a small amount that wouldn't budge.

i shrug gently to myself, picking up my new perfume bottle, one that doesn't make me gag thanks to my pregnancy, and spray a couple squirts over my pulse points.

"okay, how do i look?" i ask, stepping outside, seeing andrew and avery now i'm the room. "oh my god, hey baby," i coo, immediately scooping avery out of andrews arms, kissing her cheek over and over again, as i bounce her in my arms. "are you excited to be looked after by the boys? yeah baba, i know, i wouldn't want to either," i say sarcastically, as she grins, showing off her pink gums at me.

"the things we do for your daughter and we get violated after," andrew mutters, making brian and connor laugh to themselves. "right, shawn told me to tell you to meet him in the lobby at 7, he's just getting a few things ready."

"okay?" i ask, a small chuckle leaving my lips, and a few butterflies bursting in my stomach. "i just thought it was gonna be casual," i say, looking down at avery and pulling a playful face at her, as she giggles loudly, her laughs being pure music to my ears. "what has your dada planned?"

"a lot, let's put it that way," andrew chuckles, as i grin, walking over to the bed and laying avery down on it, surrounding her with pillows so she doesn't roll off the bed.

"what time is it anyway?" i ask, looking around the room for my watch, whilst i see avery lift her arms and legs up into the air, gurgles leaving her mouth every so often, whilst connor begins to play with her.

"just gone half six, you've got plenty of time anya," brian tells me, as i sit down next to avery, holding onto one of her little hands with my finger, her fist wrapping itself around my pinky, squeezing it tightly with all her might.

"gerty, did you feed her sugar? she's so energetic today," i smile, as avery stuffs her other hand into her mouth, lifting her legs up and down, slamming them onto the bed.

"she woke up just before shawn was about to get ready," he shrugs. "brought her here as soon as shawn left the room. he had to have his time to play with her."

"did shawn feed her sugar?" i say jokingly, leaning down next to avery and kissing her forehead softly, pushing her soft hair away from her face.

"honestly, he probably could have," andrew jokes back, making me laugh softly. "are you guys- are you guys okay?"

"i-i think so," i say, pushing out a small smile, followed by a sigh. "honestly i just want to forget about everything, and i know shawn does too, hopefully everything will be okay from now."

"and you're sure you're okay? i don't care about if shawn thinks he is, but are you?" andrew asks me quietly, as brian and connor begin scrolling through their phones and laughing at something. "anya, you've been through a lot lately. are you sure you're okay?"

"i will be," i answer truthfully, smiling sadly. "and you should care more about shawn than me, i think for him it's gonna take a lot more than one date for him to be okay."

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it was a few minutes past seven, and i was standing around the lobby, my phone in my hand and looking around the open area for shawn, trying to spot his tall figure from the endless empty crowds of people.

"hey, anya?" my head fills with confusion as i hear the irish man from behind me, the guy i haven't seen in at least two years, standing right in the lobby of the hotel, waiting to leave.

"crap, niall! hey!" i smile widely, greeting him with a hug. "holy shit, why are you here? how are you? i haven't seen you for ages!"

"how am i? how are you? how's the parent life?" niall chuckles. "i can't believe you two of all people are parents."

"honestly neither can i, but avery's amazing. she's incredible," i let out a small laugh. "but still, what are you doing here?"

"heading out with- oh shit, they're here-" he cuts himself off. "lovely seeing you anya, we definitely need to catch up soon, yeah? text me," he says quickly, leaning over to hug me with a quick kiss on the cheek. "keep well, anya."

"you too?" i say confused, seeing him rush off to the lifts, greeting whoever was there.

and that's when my heart completely drops.

shawn was there, laughing with two other guys, greeting niall, as the four of them head to the main exit doors of the hotel lobby. i furrow my eyebrows in confusion, he doesn't even look back, and with a large laugh, loud enough so i can hear it, he leaves the hotel, not another look back to even remember our date.

"what the-" i mutter to myself, dropping my shoulders, my sadness immediately turning to pure anger, but then that melts away as soon as the hotel lobby doors close behind them, and floats as betrayal.

then, i felt dirty. i felt disgusted. i felt used. he made me believe that after simply having sex that he and i were okay, but now it made me feel like a doll, like i was being controlled by him, and he was holding strings up against my heart, pulling it and pushing it around like a puppet in a show.

i stormed back up to our hotel room, which now had been vacated from the boys and avery, hot tears threatening to spill down my face, threatening to mess up the mascara i had only put on a mere ten minutes ago, threatening to make me look even worse than i already feel.

i felt like his toy, i felt completely humiliated, i felt disturbed and angry at the fact he could make me completely forget about everything that had happened as soon as i gave in to him, it made me feel physically sick that he could play with my mind like that, especially when he knew, and he planned tonight.

i turned the shower on, letting the steaming hot water fog up the white marble themed bathroom, as i practically ripped off my own clothes, stepping into the scorching water, finally letting the tears fall down my cheeks.

i scrubbed my skin over and over and over again, trying to get his lingering smell off of me, trying to get rid of the feeling of his weight pressing against me, desperately trying to rid the marks that were dotted all over my body, a near constant reminder of how easily i gave into him. how easily i didn't care about anything else apart from him in that one moment. how easily it was for me to let my guard down.

i tried so hard to clean myself from his sins, but it was like his playful smirk was engraved into my mind, and i detested how he could have that amount of control over me.

and yet, the dull ache between my thighs reminded me that he knew how much power he had over me.

that was the terrifying part of everything.

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