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[anya]

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i didn't exactly realise how much i truly was sick of everything until today. days had passed since shawn and i were remotely civil with each other, and things were getting more and more awkward when it came to avery, which was selfish of us because we weren't giving avery the stability she deserves more than anything in the world.

we were currently salt lake city, and shawn had a show tonight, but i could automatically sense that something was off with him, more off than the past two weeks.

"no, i specifically wanted to make sure that the strings were changed on this guitar, it's not playing right," he mutters to andrew, as he bounces avery in his arms, looking down at an acoustic guitar on the floor. "i asked for one thing, one single thing, one tiny little thing, and that couldn't happen? i hardly ever ask for anything on tour, i'm always content, but the moment i ask for the smallest task ever, because i have to do everything that i need to do before the show and look after my child, it's not completed?"

"shawn, calm down, they're about to change them now anyway-"

"yeah but the fact is it should've been done ages ago!" he bursts, making avery cut off her loud gurgles. "no bubba, i wasn't shouting, i'm sorry my love, i'm sorry," he quickly says to avery, who looks at him blankly, before gurgling away again. "whatever, i need to go feed my daughter, i'll be back in a bit." he picks up the bottle of milk i just pumped in his other hand, before walking out of the main green room, leaving andrew, connor and i alone.

"what the heck crawled up his ass?" connor asks, letting a laugh leave his mouth.

"something's off about him," i mumble, folding my arms to my chest, rubbing my upper arms gently. "he's acting weird today. weirder than normal."

"i thought that too," andrew says to me, running a hand through his hair. "you think he's okay to perform tonight?"

"he should be," i say softly, sighing. "i don't think it'll effect him performing, you and i both know that him being on stage is the calmest part of tour."

"it's probably nothing," andrew finally decides. "anyway, are you okay? i saw that look he gave you as soon as you walked in." i let another sigh slip past my lips, as i shrug, leaning against the arm rest of the couch.

"it is what it is," i mutter. "i thought we were actually civil for maybe twenty minutes, then i had to open my mouth and ruin that. i should've just talked to him that night, i'm so stupid." andrew looks at me confused as he quickly shakes his head.

"anya, you're not stupid, shawn is," he tells me simply. "he's been saying offensive shit to you for the past two weeks, anya. none of this is your fault."

"offensive shit? none of this is her fault? bullshit gerty, bullshit," my heart drops to my stomach, and i turn my head around, seeing shawn standing at the doorway, avery still in his arms, this time, one hand supporting avery's body in a feeding position, and the other holding the bottle to her mouth.

"okay, come to uncle connor," connor says quickly, walking up to shawn, and quickly taking avery out of his arms, pulling the bottle away, as he walks out of the room, taking avery with him.

"shawn, shut the fuck up before you do something stupid and-"

"and what? make her cry? she does enough of it anyway," he shoots at me, making me physically wince with his words. "i want her out of here, i don't care."

"shawn!" andrew yells, walking up to him and hitting his arm. "shut the fuck up, can't you see? you're hurting her."

i stand still, completely numb to the offensive words shawns sending my way, completely numb to the fact that he's treating me like a piece of gum under his shoe. i felt my heart break, but i was too numb to even begin to feel the cold pain that surrounded me.

"i'm hurting her? i'm hurting her? i've tried so hard to talk things out but has she even bothered? no. i give up andrew, i can't do this shit anymore, i can't deal with her anymore, i'm so done. i'm so fucking done," he curses, making my eyes glaze over with tears.

it was like he didn't even know i was there.

"if you're so fucking done why don't we just break up then? what's the fucking point of us even being together, huh? you think you're fucking done with me? i'm done with you," i burst at him, tears falling out of my eyes pretty much suddenly.

"what's stopping us?" shawn yells back at me, andrew cursing to himself softly. "oh yeah, our freaking baby is!"

"don't you dare put her in the middle of this-"

"i'm not! stop blaming me on things!" he yells, clenching his jaw firmly, sending me a sharp glare. "i swear to fucking god anya-"

"what did i do to make you hate me so much?" i beg him desperately, a cry wrenching through my breaking body. "huh? what did i do?"

"dammit anya, why do you always think it's all about you?" shawn screams at me. "just face it, we're never gonna be able to get on with each other!"

i squint my eyes at him, glaring through my eyelashes, as i drop my mouth open in confusion, quickly shutting it and shaking my head, letting another cry fall from my exhausted lips.

"y-you told me i was the most important person in your fucking life," i say, pointing my finger at him, tears blurring my vision, as my hand begins to visibly shake. "you told me i was your everything, what fucking happened?"

"i just-" he cuts himself off, running a hand through his hair, looking at me in confusion, before his eyes widen, his mouth falling slightly agape. "oh fuck- what-" he cuts himself off again, his shoulders moving up and down from his heavy breathing, as i somehow see his eyes glaze over with tears. "no- baby- i didn't mean it- i-"

"so now you're calling me baby?" i scream. "make up your fucking mind! do you want me gone or not?" i cry, choking on my sobs, throwing my hands up in exasperation.

"i- no- anya- please-" he begs, stumbling on his words, as he slowly falls onto his knees, the tears now rolling down his cheeks. "w-what the fuck," he mumbles to himself, bringing his large hands to his face, crying into his palms.

"hey, dude, shawn?" andrew asks him, suddenly concerned at how he's acting. "shawn? shawn? what's going on? what's up?"

"g-gerty he's having an anxiety attack," i mumble in realisation, my eyes widening in shock, as i see shawns back shake, little cries not leaving his lips. "a-andrew, you gotta calm him down- i can't-"

"shawn?" andrew calls, crouching down next to him, placing his hand on his back, shaking him slightly. "come on shawn, do your breathing techniques, this is your first attack in a year shawn, come on, breathe," andrew tries to calm him down, whilst all sounds apart from shawns cries vanish from my mind, making my heart sink, then practically explode in my chest, before feeling a chill run through me.

i was heartbroken, and i had no idea what just happened.

-

i came back on the bus pretty late compared to everyone else. shawn has already taken avery, and i was pretty sure she's asleep by now, considering it is just gone 1am. after shawns anxiety attack, i spent the rest of the show duration looking after avery, who was immediately taken off me as soon as connor got back from following shawn around, and then she was probably given to shawn at some stage.

if i'm completely honest, i had no idea about what actually happened earlier, i didn't even know how he was yelling at me one moment to get out, and then the next panicking because i was about to go.

something was definitely up with shawn, and it wasn't only the situation shawn and i were in.

"hey," brian says quietly to me, as i collapse onto one of the sofas with a small sigh.

"hi," i say softly back to him, shutting my eyes and leaning back into the comfy leather.

"i heard about what happened," brian tells me sadly. "are you okay?"

"i-i don't know," i mumble in response, letting a small sigh leave my lips. "is shawn okay?"

"he's completely out of it," brian sighs softly. "i think he knows what he's done wrong, i think he was just shocked that he actually said all of that. as soon as he got off stage he took avery and went straight to the dressing room, and then he took her on the bus. think he's asleep in the room at the back."

"is ave asleep too?"

"probably," brian tells me, looking straight up at me. "i think he does feel bad."

"it's just why would he say that shit in the first place?" i finally come out with, my voice slightly wavering. "you know, i'd understand if i actually did something worth him wanting to dump me like that, but i really don't get it? surely he has to be unsure about us being together if he comes out with that." brian let's out a long sigh, moving from the couch he was sitting on to come and sit next to me.

"anya listen to me," he starts, placing his hand on my back in comfort. "he has been saying things to connor and i, things that he's not sure about, things that could potentially be making him react like he is, and i'm only telling you this to be completely honest, but he is unsure yes," my head spins with the thought of shawn even questioning how he feels about me, as i begin to feel completely sick to the stomach. "but that's only because it was so easy for him to erase you from his life in the first place. it's kind of a thing like he's done it once so it's possible to do it again."

"wow," i say, my breath completely leaving my mouth, as i let a laugh slip out from my lips. "i don't even know whether to think that's smart or that's dumb."

"look, just go get some sleep, wake up in the morning and start a fresh day. you don't even need to talk to him, anya, nor look at him, no ones telling you to even pay attention to him," brian tells me softly. "do what makes you comfortable. don't think about him, he's being a complete and utter dick to you under the circumstances."

"thanks bri," i say, a soft smile lining my lips as i lean up to hug him. "if i'm hanging around with you and connor all day, you know why."

"at least we get more time with avery," he chuckles, as i grin, letting out a small giggle.

"night brian," i say, standing up and grabbing a bottle of water.

"sweet dreams, anya," he sends me off with a little wave, as i let out a small sigh, making my way to the little room at the back of the bus. i knock on the door lightly, before slowly pushing it open, seeing shawn fast asleep on the bed, avery also asleep in the little crib on the side.

i sigh gently, sitting down on my side, before looking down at shawn, seeing his lips slightly parted, and his curls messed up over his forehead, little breaths leaving his lips, heavy yet delicate. i couldn't deny that he was beautiful, he was probably the most stunning human i had ever seen in my life, next to avery of course. but she is half shawn, so it was a given she was going to be perfect.

with a final shake of my head, i turn my back to him, and shut my eyes; praying and hoping that tomorrow turns out okay.