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[anya]

-

he was sitting opposite me, holding our child, laughs leaving his puffy red lips, he looked so happy. it was a break day, and we ended up at an italian restaurant with the rest of the crew, all happy and jovial, slightly tipsy from the endless amounts of red wine that i can't touch, but crave more than anything to simply get through the night.

it was early july, and we had just arrived in los angeles, ready and eager for the two headlining nights at staples centre, but shawn and i hadn't spoken properly to each other since that night.

granted, we've gone longer without speaking to each other, but this time we have a child, and we're in a relationship - the way that we're going shouldn't be what we should do.

shawn and i probably know that, but we both can't help the comments that slip past our lips every now and then, ones that i know hurt him as much as they hurt me, maybe even more, and vice versa. we haven't been doing good as a couple, and everyone around us knows that, but it kills me because avery's stuck in the middle of it all, without being able to do or say anything.

"anya, grab her, she needs a feed," shawn says bluntly to me, as i nod, standing up from the table, and walking around to his side, easing avery out of his arms, holding her close to my chest, her body feeling warm against my cool stature.

"hey baby," i say, bouncing her slightly, a smile automatically being painted over my lips the minute i see her in my arms. "are you getting hungry bubba?"

"yes she is, that's why i gave her to you. we didn't bring any bottles," shawn mutters, quite lowly, so no one around us hears. my smile falters and i look down at shawn, who has his arms folded, and jaw clenched, looking straight past avery and i.

"can you come with me?" i ask him, not wanting to sit outside the restaurant on my own while i feed avery.

"you brought a jumper with you, didn't you? just do it here," he mumbles, looking down at the table.

"here, i'll come with you," brian butts in, overhearing the conversation between shawn and i. "the cars parked outside, why don't we go there?"

"thank you," i smile thankfully at brian, before picking up my jumper in one hand, and following him outside the restaurant, straight to the tesla they keep whenever they're in la.

"do you want me to talk to him?" brian asks, as i sigh, shaking my head, putting my jumper over avery, pulling up my shirt so she can latch on.

"there's no point," i mumble, looking down at avery.

"have you been getting some sleep?" he asks me gently, as i shrug, looking up with a sad smile on my lips.

"what is sleep when you're a mom?" he looks at me sympathetically, as i sigh, nodding. "i have, avery's been pretty good for the past couple nights, only woken up once."

"has shawn woken up to tend to her?" i shake my head in response.

"it's always a feed, so i get up," i mumble. "it's fine, gives me and avery some time alone."

"have you two even spoken?" brian asks me, as my eyes glaze over with tears.

"no," i say softly. "i apologised because i figured i was in the wrong, but he didn't say anything to me after. whenever i want to talk to him, he always says he's busy, or he has to go do something, even if it's at midnight or something dumb like that. i-i just miss him." i sniffle, holding avery tightly in my arms. "i miss him so much. i miss everything."

"anya, please don't cry," brian says gently to me, as i shake my head, sniffling again.

"i'm not gonna cry," i say quickly. "please don't say anything to him."

"anya-"

"please bri, promise me you won't. i don't wanna seem clingy to him," i mumble.

"i promise," he nods, letting out a soft sigh.

avery begins to move around, letting me know that she's done feeding. i sigh again, picking her up and pulling my shirt down, using the end of my jumper to wipe her mouth, before raising her up to burp her. i pat lightly on her back, as she gurgles about, probably wanting to get back into the restaurant so she can get everyone's attention again. she eventually lets out a long burp, making brian and i both laugh, before getting out of the car, and making our way back into the restaurant.

"where's the rest of my food?" i ask, seeing my not even half finished plate gone from the table.

"you looked like you were finished, and we didn't know how long it would take for you to feed her, it went cold," shawn shrugs. "someone took it away."

"who said i was finished?" i ask him, as avery looks around the group, smiling widely at something alessia was doing.

"i did," he says simply, looking up at me for the first time tonight. "what are you even wearing? you do realise we're in a nice restaurant?"

i look down at the jeans he said and i quote that make my butt look good, and the off the shoulder white blouse i wear, along with the little black sandals on my feet, that he bought me from paris when he was on tour, and i look back at him, shaking my head. i see that alessia and connor have stopped talking, and are now looking between shawn and i.

"i thought-"

"yeah well, you thought wrong," he mutters, looking away from me.

"i think she looks hot," alessia says, making me smile sadly at her. "doesn't she look so good, guys? she had a baby three months ago, and she looks that good now." the table all nod and agree, much to shawns discomfort, making me feel a little bit more better and warmer about myself.

"thank you," i mumble shyly, sending a softer smile to alessia, who winks slyly at me.

"anya, are you still hungry?" brian asks me, as i sit back down carefully, still holding avery in my arms.

"a little, but it's okay-"

"gerty, can you order anya another one of what she was eating?" connor asks, making shawn scoff. "get her some extra dessert too, i think we should all celebrate how much of an amazing job she's doing as a mother, whilst lasting on this tour, with some very annoying, egotistical personalities," he says, casting a soft glare at shawn. i feel my eyes tear up again, this time for pure love for the people around me, as i smile at connor.

"let's do a toast!" alessia cheers. "to anya, the most supportive friend, and most loving mother and girlfriend," she pauses, looking at shawn, who's looking straight down at the table. "anyone could ever ask for," she raises her glass, as everyone copies.

"to anya!" they all toast, making a tear slip out of my eye, and roll straight down my cheek.

"thank you so much," i say, getting choked up. "i couldn't be here without all of you helping me, and giving me all the support in the world, which i'm eternally going to be grateful for, and thank you for being the best family i could give to avery."

"excuse me," shawn mumbles, pushing himself away from the table, and walking straight out of the restaurant. i sigh, shutting my eyes for a moment, feeling a chill come over me.

"brian, can you hold her?" i ask softly, holding a curious avery to brian, as he nods quickly, taking her from my arms. "sorry guys, give me a sec," i say, standing up and rushing outside, only to see shawn getting straight into an uber, and being driven off immediately.

i let out a huff, the evening breeze coating me in a chill of discomfort, as i feel the tears build at my eyes yet again. i pull my phone out from my back pocket, immediately calling shawn on speed dial, only to get declined the moment it starts ringing.

"shawn, come on, please," i beg, thinking he accidentally declined me. i call him again, only to get the same response, making me stumble back slightly, feeling my back press against the wall of the restaurant. i hold my phone to my chest, as i let the tears spill out of my eyes, letting myself choke out a cry, the cold hand of sadness and guilt wrapping it straight around my heart.

"shawn, please," i beg, to no one on the other side of the phone, my heart falling into pieces.

he didn't answer once.

-

the click of the lock at the door makes me jump up from my very light sleep, my throat feeling hoarse from crying, and my eyes red raw from the constant rubbing. i squint in the darkness, seeing the tall figure walk inside, a slight aroma of fear enveloping the crowded yet empty room.

"s-shawn?" i ask, standing up from the couch, pulling the blanket tighter around me. "where were you?"

"nowhere," he mutters, taking his jacket off, and shoving it onto an armchair. "where's avery?"

"in the room a-"

shawn ignores me, and decides to walk straight to our room in the house, immediately walking over to the travel cot, pulling avery out, and holding her close to him.

"shawn i put her down-"

"shut up," he mutters, kissing avery's forehead gently, his words hitting my heart like knives. "sweet dreams baby," he whispers, kissing her cheek again, before putting her back in the cot.

"are you gonna tell me why you left dinner?" i ask him, folding my arms. "i was worried sick, shawn."

"sure you were," he scoffs. "you were just happy that you were the focus of the dinner, bet it made you feel so good about yourself when everyone was belittling me."

"shawn i-"

"don't try and make up an excuse," he mutters, unbuttoning his shirt, taking it off, along with his trousers, pulling on a pair of plaid pyjama trousers instead.

"what do you want me to do, shawn?" i burst, dropping the blanket, as tears glaze my eyes. "i've been trying so hard with you, but you've been treating me like shit for the past week, what have i done to you? what can i do to make things right?"

"you can leave, you can get lost, i don't care, i don't want you here," he shoots at me. "i should have never even bothered to try to be civil with you." his words drip with venom, making me flinch slightly.

"what have i fucking done wrong?" i yell, making myself jump, as a tear rolls down my cheek. "you made me feel like shit today at dinner! do you know how embarrassing it was when you refused to come with me, and then insulted my appearance? do you know how shit that made me feel? you know how much i've been struggling with how i look recently, did that even cross your mind?" i shout, tears racing down my cheeks immediately. "i apologised the day we had that fight, and you haven't been talking to me since! do you want me to yell it you again? i'm sorry! i'm so fucking sorry!"

avery let's out a loud screech, and i sigh, bringing my hands to my face and crying into them, feeling my heart break into two. shawns quick to take avery out of her cot, trying to quieten her down.

"anya, calm down," shawn tells me, his tone slightly softer as he bounces avery in his arms.

"don't tell me to calm down and don't try to act like you care when you've been insulting me for the past week, for no reason might i add!" i yell, my throat beginning to hurt.

"anya please, avery's terrified-" avery let's out another long cry, making shawn look down at her immediately. "shh bubba, it's okay, it's okay, shhh."

"what's going on?" brian and connor rush into the room, rubbing their eyes from being tired, connor immediately rushing over to me, and brian going straight to shawn, taking avery out of his arms.

"breathe, anya, please calm down," connor says softly to me. "shawn, get her some water, she's gonna have a panic attack," shawn nods, rushing out of the room, as i cry into my hands, my breath ragged and harder for me to find. i begin to feel claustrophobic, and i feel my hands begin to shake wildly, my head spinning with every emotion i've kept bottled up over the last week.

"here," shawn says softly, crouching down next to me, placing his hand on my shoulder, the first sign of contact he's given me all week. "you need to breathe, anya," he says sadly, cupping my cheek, as connor moves away, shawn kneeling down in front of me. "follow me, breathe in," he guides, as i take a deep breath in, holding it for a few moments. "breathe out," he says, breathing out as i follow, letting the breath go, "in," he mumbles. "out," i let the air puff out of my lips, looking straight at shawn, the tears rolling down my cheeks. "one more, breathe in," he says softly, making me breathe in. "and out," i let the last breath go, before shawn brings the glass up to my lips, helping me to drink the cool water, relaxing me completely. he puts the glass down, wiping away my tears with the pads of his thumbs, before bringing me into his embrace, sitting down on the floor, letting me curl up into his lap.

"i'm so sorry," i whimper, clutching onto his torso, sniffling softly. "i'm so sorry."

"shh," he whispers, knitting his fingers into my hair, rubbing my scalp with his fingertips, his other hand drawing little patterns on my back. "shh."

i hear the door close, probably connor and brian both leaving the room, along with avery who's being calmed down by brian.

"let's get you to bed," he says gently to me, easing one hand under my knees, and the other around my back, effortlessly standing up and lifting me up with him, before walking to the bed, and laying me down under the soft white duvet, tucking it around my body.

"w-where are you going?" i stutter, seeing him walk away.

"i-"

"please stay?" i ask him with a small whimper.

"let me go get ave," he tells me, walking slowly out of the room, only to come back a few moments later, a sleeping avery in his arms. he puts her down into her cot, sending her away with a sweet kiss, before walking back to the bed, getting in next to me, laying on his back, not moving from his side of the bed.

"shawn?" i whisper, turning onto my side to face him. "a-are we okay?"

"we'll talk in the morning."

"i don't want to go to bed like this-"

"we'll talk in the morning," he says more firmly, making me sigh.

"yeah, sure," i mutter, turning around so my back is facing him.

i couldn't get to sleep for the rest of the night.