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[anya]

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"c'mon avery, please go to sleep," i whisper into the ear of my screaming child, as we pass through i don't even know what city, as the entire bus tries to sleep so desperately, after another night of tour. "avery please, please don't wake up your dada, he needs his sleep." i look back at the closed door of the room at the back of the bus which shawn was fast asleep in.

"hey," i turn around, seeing brian yawning slightly.

"shit, i'm so sorry," i sigh, sitting down on the couch as avery continues to wail, but somehow her cries begin to quiet down.

"don't apologise, she's a baby," brian says to me, sitting down on the couch next to me. "you look exhausted, anya."

"i am," i smile tiredly. "but i need shawn to get his rest. he can't do a show without having any sleep, you know?"

"yeah but you can't be completely selfless, he is a parent too," brian points out. "i'm sure he wouldn't mind either, don't do everything on your own."

"i know he doesn't mind, but i feel selfish if i get him to do anything because i don't want him to feel tired during a show, or a meet and greet, or the q&a. those fans deserve his all, and he can't give his all if he's tired. it's better if i'm tired because i can sleep whenever avery sleeps," i shrug, rocking avery gently, who seems to lull away in her own little world, making me smile softly. "you can't even deny it, bri, those fans deserve everything from him."

"and you don't?" he asks me quickly. "you and shawn are parents, anya. if you're tired, he's gonna understand that and take over."

"well she's asleep now, so it's okay," i say, looking down at the two month old, who's fluttering her caramel eyes shut, the little brown curls covering her smooth forehead.

"morning," connor yawns, walking from his lower bunk to the seating area where brian and i are.

"connor, hun, it's 3am," i chuckle softly. "i'm sorry if we woke you up."

"she's lucky she's cute," he mumbles, making brian and i both laugh. "where's shawn?"

"asleep," i answer, carefully getting up, trying not to wake avery up. "speaking of, i think we should all try to go to sleep. she's not gonna wake up till 7 now, hopefully." i whisper. "night guys."

"night," they both call, as i make my way back into the small room, seeing avery's made up little cot pressed to my side of the bed. i ease her down onto the white sheets, putting her little blue blanket back over her, before getting under the duvet, next to a stirring shawn.

"b-babe?" he mumbles. "m'sorry, what time is it?"

"like 3am," i breathe out a chuckle. "miss avery was getting a little fussy, go back to sleep," i say softly to him, as he nods, letting out a yawn, before rolling over onto his stomach, securing his arm around my waist, his head slightly resting over my chest. i sigh gently, running my fingers through his curls, as he lets out a soft moan.

"mm, feels good," he mumbles, drumming his fingers softly against my side.

"shh," i whisper, pushing his wild curls away slightly, letting out a small smile. "goodnight my love."

he was too far into his dreams to even reply.

-

"dada, da-da. say dada baby," shawn begs avery, his arms secured around her, his whole hand supporting the back of her head and her torso, as he holds her up to face him. "da-da," he says again, as avery let's out a long gurgle, stuffing her fingers into her mouth. "no baby, da-da. not whatever you just did."

"shawn, she's a baby, calm down," brian says, patting shawn on the back, before sitting down opposite him, eating a slice of toast. "hey anya, tell your boyfriend to shut up."

"he won't listen to me when it comes to avery," i chuckle. "she's got him wrapped around her little finger."

"very true," shawn laughs, looking back at avery. "yeah baby, you are the most beautiful baby girl, i love you my angel," he speaks to her gently in a baby voice, as she grins a toothless smile, her eyes going wide at shawn.

"careful anya, he's gonna ask for another baby pretty soon when avery says mama first," andrew says to me, making the rest of us chuckle, as shawn sends glares around.

"shut up, she's my girl, she's a mendes, she's gonna say dada first," shawn says, looking over to me. "hun, you look so tired. go get some sleep."

"i'm fine, don't worry," i say to him, sighing softly. he smiles sadly at me, before gesturing with his head to come closer to him. i shake my head slightly, pulling my knees to my chest, and leaning back in my seat.

"anya, go to sleep," andrew says softly to me. "shawn'll make sure she's okay, so will we."

"guys i'm fine, i promise," i brush it off. "just being a parent." shawn looks at me curiously, furrowing his brow slightly. "i'm gonna go see what alessia's doing. girl time. her bus is parked next to ours, right?"

"i thought we were heading out for breakfast?" shawn asks me, as avery let's out a loud gurgle, thinking he's talking to her.

"right, sorry, let me go freshen up," i mumble, walking straight to the room at the back, shutting the door behind me, picking up shawns hoodie from the bed, and shoving it over my gym shorts and t-shirt.

"anya, what's up?" the door opens again and shawn walks in, avery clueless in his arms.

"dammit shawn, i could've been naked," i mutter, sitting on the bed.

"yeah, i've seen more than that anyway, why should it matter?" he shoots back. "babe, are you okay?"

"i-i'm fine, i promise," i mumble, playing with my fingers in my lap. "just not feeling too good, that's all."

"hey," he whispers, sighing softly and sitting next to me, avery nestled close to him. "talk to me, what's going on?"

"nothing, like i keep saying, stop asking me if i'm okay," i quickly say, looking down at avery who's reaching up to me, her mouth in a massive smile.

"i think she wants you to hold her," shawn mumbles, looking down away from me. i sigh, picking avery up from shawns arms, holding her to my shoulder, my hand holding her head up. "why are you sighing? do you not want to hold your daughter?"

"are you fucking kidding me, shawn?" i say to him, obviously hurt by what he said.

"no, i'm not fucking kidding you, anya," he shoots out, his words dripping with sarcasm. "all i wanted to do was to make sure you're okay and you're brushing me off like you don't even give a crap about me. i get you must've had a bad night but you don't have to take it out on me."

"i'm not taking it out on you, shawn," i sigh softly, moving my arms to bounce avery. "you were the one who accused me for not wanting to hold her."

"well it seems like you don't want to spend time with either one of us," he mutters, standing up from the bed. "you forgot about breakfast, you didn't come to sit with us just now when i wanted you to sit next to me-"

"well i'm so sorry i didn't come to sit next to you for one morning?" i say back to him.

"oh forget it," he mutters, opening the door to the room.

"fine, leave then," i respond back to him, just as bitter as he did to me.

"are you fucking trying to get me into a bad mood the morning of a show? are you trying to make me have a bad show?" he tells me harshly, making me flinch slightly with his words, each one stinging me like shampoo in your eyes.

"all i've done for the past week is try to make sure you have a good show!" i argue back, my eyes brimming with tears. "i'm so fucking tired, shawn, why do you think you never hear avery crying? i've been waking up at the points when she normally wakes up to take her outside the room so i can make sure you get a full nights sleep! i got two hours of sleep last night! two! so don't you dare try to shift everything on me because i'm doing all of this for you," i shout at him, making the rest of the bus go silent, and avery begin to struggle in my arms, and i sigh again, knowing she's about to burst into tears. "don't you ever say or even imply that i don't care about my daughter, because i would do anything for the little girl in my arms, i'd die for her in a heartbeat if it came down to it. i'd die for the both of you." shawns face softens, and he drops his shoulders down.

"anya-"

"no, just leave me alone," i mumble, letting a tear roll down my cheek. "avery's about to burst into tears, i wouldn't want you to have a headache during your show. yet another thing you'd blame on me," i mutter, just as avery begins to let out a cry. "shh baby, i'm here, mommy's here." i see shawn visibly sigh, before he walks out of the room, shutting the door behind him, making avery cry even harder than she already was.

"hey bubs, please don't cry, it's okay, it's all okay," i whisper in her ear, kissing her forehead over and over again, bouncing her gently in my arms. "bubba, come on, please stop crying, it's okay, it's okay, mommy's sorry for yelling."

"you want daddy, don't you?" i whisper gently, pushing her little curls back, as she looks up at me with her tears eyes, that are an exact copy of shawns. just with the mention of her dad she begins to calm down, and i sigh with relief. "i love you so much, baby," i mumble, kissing her rosy cheeks, nuzzling my nose against her cheek, as her wails turn into soft cries. "shh, shh baba, it's okay," i pat her back gently, before leaning against the headboard of the bed, stretching my legs out in front of me.

"anya where's my hoodie- oh-" shawn bursts in, seeing me sitting there, trying to calm avery down. "don't worry, i'll find another one."

"are you going out?" i ask him softly, rubbing my hand over avery's back gently.

"yeah, uh, cez and i are getting coffee," he mumbles, rubbing the back of his head anxiously. "do you want anything?"

"no thanks," i tell him quietly. "stay safe."

"i will," he reassures me. "see you later?"

"yeah," i nod, looking away from him, as he exits, shutting the door again.

the only thing i could feel was pure guilt, and i had no idea why.

-

after the show, we all went back to a hotel, since we were supposed to stay in chicago for another show the next night. i was getting ready for a shower, knowing shawn was looking after avery behind the bathroom door, and i could hear him mumbling a soft song to her, trying to put her to sleep.

shawn and i weren't okay, and i knew that. i knew it from the moment he didn't even stop to give me a kiss when he got off stage. he scooped avery right out of my arms, taking the changing bag, and walking away, ignoring everyone around him, apart from andrew, who was telling him to stop and go to say thank you to the crew.

i knew i had hit a sore spot when i told him how tired i was, because i know he's tired himself. after all, he's the one who's performing every night, and then has to deal with avery and i straight before, after, and even during the show sometimes. all i've had to deal with was being a parent, but he had to be a parent, a superstar, a performer, a musician, and an artist at the same time, every single night, and that must be exhausting in its own sense. he was only 20, and i know i'm only 20 too, but it seemed like his life was going way too fast, faster than i could even imagine.

i shouldn't have snapped at him, with my reasoning of me being tired, because i know for a fact he's even more exhausted than i am.

i turn off the shower, wrapping myself up in a fluffy white towel, before letting myself dry a little, and lathering my skin in moisturiser. i quickly change into an oversized t-shirt, and a pair of shorts before turning the lights off to the bathroom, leaving the steamy room, and heading straight into the dimly lit bedroom, seeing avery resting against shawns chest, his body sitting upright against the bed.

"hey," he whispers, looking up from avery.

"hey," i reply, folding my arms to my chest and pushing out a small smile. "is she asleep?"

"yeah, just knocked out," he mumbles, moving one of his hands from her, to rub his own eyes. "are you gonna head to sleep now?"

"yeah," i say softly, shifting on my feet awkwardly. shawn nods, easing himself up with avery in his arms, trying his best not to wake her up. "a-are you?"

"maybe in a bit, i'm gonna write for a bit," he answers, putting avery down in the travel cot, putting her blanket around her little frame.

"you have a show-"

"i know," he nods, standing up and looking at me. "goodnight."

"night," i reply, a frown finding its way on my face. "shawn, wait-"

"yeah?"

"i'm sorry," i sigh, the lump building at my throat. shawn smiles sadly at me, picking up his airpods from the desk, and walks straight out of the bedroom, shutting the door behind him lightly.

the moment that i'm sure he's out of earshot, and has his music playing, i let a small cry leave my lips, before curling up under the sheets, lulling myself to sleep with my tears.