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[anya]

-

"i completely and utterly screwed up brian!" i explain, throwing some of my clothes into my suitcase, whilst shawn has gone to the studio. i sigh once more, folding up a pair of trousers, and putting them in above a stack of tops.

"stop, calm down," brian tells me, placing his hands on my wrists, stopping me from packing more stuff. "it looked like it was a bad situation to you, and i'm pretty sure shawn would have done the same, or worse if it was the other way round."

"he's right," aaliyah chimes in. "he was telling me when we came last night that if he was in your position, he would have chucked you out a long time ago."

"and then he tells me he loves me? what the fuck do i do?" i say, placing my head in my hands. "oh god, i screwed up big time."

"well answer this first, do you love him back? because if you don't, it might be easier," aaliyah says to me. i frown deeply, letting out a tired huff. "oh my god, you do?"

"that obvious?" i ask sarcastically. "god, he's not gonna want to start anything with me! there's literally no trust between us anymore, just because of me. ugh, i want the earth to swallow me whole!"

"anya, please, you need to calm down," brian reminds me. "you don't want anything happening."

"you're right, you're right," i sigh, sitting down on the bed with a bounce. "he's never gonna forgive me."

"yes he will," i freeze.

"fuck, why does this always happen?" i groan, seeing shawn standing at the doorway, a frown and concerned look on his face. "you heard all of that, didn't you?"

"maybe," shawn says, shrugging. "did you want me to hear?"

"no!" i say, sighing loudly. shawn sighs, walking into the room, whilst brian and aaliyah leave, shutting the door behind them.

"anya, baby," shawn says, sitting down carefully next to me. "obviously, yeah, i am hurt about everything that happened, but it's okay. i know if the roles were reversed, i would do a lot more than you did. please don't be worried."

"why are you acting like it's all okay and i didn't hurt you more than i can imagine?" i ask him, an unreadable expression on my face. "shawn, you're seriously acting like what i did was okay, and it's not."

"darling, i've said my fair share of shit about you," he says, placing his hand on my back. "it's okay."

"y-you love me? you're not just saying that, right?" i ask softly, looking up at him. "i'm so fucking sorry, about everything i've done."

"don't worry hunny, everything's gonna be okay," he says warmly to me. "and yes, i do love you. i love you so much gorgeous, but it just isn't our time to love each other. we need to focus on avery, okay?"

"i love you too," i reply, making him smile widely. "i know we have to put avery first, i just wish i didn't screw everything up between us."

"you didn't screw up everything, i'm still here," he says softly, wrapping his arm around me and moving closer to me. "i'm gonna be here for a long time, even if you throw me out again," he tells me, nudging my shoulder gently. "come on, smile hunny."

"oh shush," i say, letting out a small chuckle, my cheeks flushing. "i'm really sorry, shawn. my minds everywhere right now, i don't even know what i was thinking."

"it's okay," he says. "i understand. i saw those pictures too, and honestly if i were you i would've ran out too. with everything else that happened, i'd do more than you. i probably would've taken custody of avery."

"you know i would never do that to you, right?" anya asks me in a small voice. "shawn, i would never, ever do that. i wouldn't ever strip you of the rights to see her, and look after her."

"i know hunny," shawn replies. "okay, how about you have a nap, i'll make some dinner, yeah? i was gonna make you some mac and cheese with broccoli last night, so i'll do it tonight instead."

"how did you know that's my favourite comfort food?" i ask him, my heart feeling fluttery.

"i might have called up your mum yesterday," he grins. "now you go have a nap. i'll go make dinner."

"can i help make it?" i ask. "i don't really want to nap right now."

"nope, i'm not letting you get up on your feet missy," shawn teases. "if avery really moved to get ready to be delivered, then i'm so sorry, but i'm waiting on you hand and foot."

-

"do you guys just come here for free food or something?" shawn asks brian and aaliyah, who come up to the dining table, helping themselves to the mac and cheese he made. "i made this for my girls."

"wait, are you guys good now?" aaliyah asks, taking a seat next to me, as i look at shawn, who nods in response. "so you're getting together?"

"not exactly," shawn replies. "yeah, we have feelings for each other, but it's not the time for us to be together, and i'm okay with that. and anya is too."

no i'm not. "yeah, definitely," i answer, nodding. "if it happens, it happens. we're not gonna force anything."

"we have to focus on avery now, we can't be selfish," shawn continues. "and if we do meet new people, that's just gonna have to be something we have to deal with."

then it hits me. what if he really does meet someone new? what if he decides to date someone else when avery and i need him the most? i can't stop that from happening, and if i'm completely honest, he deserves someone so much better than me.

shawn mendes deserves the world and so much more, and i can't give that to him. not with the way i treat him.

and that's just something i have to learn to live with.

"anya, you good?" brian asks me, catching the attention of shawn, who looks straight at me. i nod quickly.

"yeah, i'm fine, just tired," i say, pushing out a small smile. "thanks for dinner, shawn."

"no problem," he smiles softly, as i sigh, taking another bite of my favourite comfort food. "your mum told me to add extra pepper, is it okay for you?"

"perfect, it's just like hers," i say, making him smile again, his cheeks flushed softly. "but i'm incredibly full right now, so i'm gonna stop."

"shawn can actually cook, i'm surprised," aaliyah says, making me chuckle softly.

"he's a good cook, just needs a little improvement here and there," i tease, making shawn roll his eyes playfully, before he leans back in his seat, folding his arms against his chest.

"if you guys are gonna bully me, please leave," he says sarcastically. "i can cook perfectly fine."

"keep telling yourself that, bud," brian says, helping himself to seconds.

"well, i'm exhausted, i'm gonna call it a night," i yawn, picking up my plate, and standing up from the table, stretching my back out slightly, placing my spare hand low down on my bump, wincing slightly.

"everything okay?" shawn asks concerned, seeing me wincing.

"braxton hicks, i think," i grunt, feeling my lower half being enveloped in pain. "oh fuck," i groan, placing my hand on my lower back, rubbing it slightly. "i'm gonna go lie down."

"anya, are you sure you don't want me to call dr smith?" shawn asks, referring to the doctor monitoring my pregnancy. "i can call her now."

"i'm sure its nothing, braxton hicks should be happening at this timeish," i tell him, brushing it off, before taking my plate to the sink, slowly waddling back into the bedroom.

"anya, hey," shawn says, quick to follow me to the master bedroom. "babe, you need to keep track of them. if their consistent, happen at regular intervals, and increase in intensity, we're going straight to the hospital." he says seriously, placing a hand on my arm. "she might be coming."

"shawn, i'm fine, i promise," i say to him, wincing again from the cramping pain. "fuck, can you get me a heat pad?"

"yeah, of course," he nods. "i'm coming to sit with you, brian can wash up."

"shawn you don't-"

"i do. i need to make sure you're okay because i haven't been here for three months, and you're only 36 weeks. we need to make sure everything's okay-"

"shawn they're just braxton hicks, it's normal-"

"shh," he says quickly. "go get into something comfortable, and go lie down. i'll be there in a sec." i sigh in response, nodding, whilst he leans forward, pressing his lips to my forehead gently, before rushing off.

"baby, please stay inside," i say to my bump, running my hands over it. "please stay inside, not yet baby, please."

i was praying she wouldn't come out early.