"aria!" Mom shouts. "please! Just do what they ask. You'll be okay. I promise!" Dad shouts. Next to then Jacob is crying "I don't wanna die!" He screams.

Suddenly the stinging in my head is back. I know what I have to do. First is Jacob. He doesn't deserve to watch mom and dad die. Then its mom, and dad got pulled out of the room.

"good. You are showing much promise" the loud speaker booms. Suddenly the winter soldier enters. I run to him as fast as I can.

I wrap my arms around him and hug him as tight as I can. "I'm scared." I say. "you'll protect me, right?" I ask. He nods.

"I told them to wait a day or two. Happy 8th birthday aria. I'm sorry they made you do that." He says. "its ok. It had to happen. The doctor man said it had too." I say.

"aria. Wake up" he says. "what do you mean?" I ask "aria! Please wake up!" Another voice in my head shouts.

"don't yell so loud mj! She's still recovering!" Suddenly I jolt awake, sitting straight up. I look around and see mj, Peter and.... the winter soldier?

I rub my eyes and blink a few times but he's still there. Am I still in hydra? But then why is mj here? What are they doing to her?

"winter soldier." I say. He looks at me and walks over. "so you have the memories back. That's a good sign." He says. "I thought I was in New York. When did hydra get a base here? Why do you have mj? Let her go. Now." I say.

He steps back. "you are in new york. This isn't hydra. This is stark tower. I'm not part of hydra anymore. And neither are you." He says. I sigh a sigh of relief.

"well I'm glad mj is ok. And that this isn't hydra." I say, laughing slightly. "can I give you hug? Or do you still need space?" Mj asks. "I could really use a hug right now." I say. She holds me in her arms and I've never felt safer.

Recovery was difficult. My hands were shaking for months, and the nightmares won't ever go away.but just like hydra had trigger words for me, they built in words that calm me down and bring me back to reality.

It's been about 3 months since my surgery. I went back to the boys home. About a week after that I decided to check in on my dad and thankfully I got a ride from happy.

I open the door and the house is silent. I walk into the living room expecting him to be on the couch but he isn't. I take my time to clean up the empty bottles notice needles on the ground.

I carefully throw away the needles. I walk back to my room and see that its been torn apart. What happened in here? I walk to my dads room and open the door.

There are no words to describe the unholy scream the emerged from me. There are no words to explain the grief and guilt I felt. Venom can't get through the overwhelming emotions to protect me.

There are no words to describe what he's done. No words other than suicide. All I can see is my father, hanging from a rope on his fan, and a small note on the night stand.

I want to stand to read the note but I can't. I can't make myself stand. I can't move. All I can do is shake and stare and sob with out tears. I can't cry. I want to cry so much but I can't.

I hear happy rush in behind me. "What's going o-" he stops mid sentence. "aria I'm sorry." He says. He walks past me and picks up the note. He reads it out loud.

My dearest aria.

I'm sorry. I tried as hard as I could to keep them out of my head. Alcohol worked at first. Then ot didnt. So I turned to drugs, then harder drugs. Then you left and I didn't know what to do. There is so much I wanted to tell you. So much you should know. This was the only way you keep you safe. Safe and happy. This isn't your fault. It's none but my own.

-jared Smith

"was that your fathers name?" He asks. I try to speak but no words come out. Just more screams. Only then does the weight of it all hit him.

I just found out that I killed my mom and younger brother. Now I lost my dad, to himself. It hurt so much more than if he had died any other way. But the fact that I found him, and that he can't have been dead for more than 30 minutes. I could have saved him.

"lets get you home." He says. But I can't stand. I can't move. I can't cry. I feel like everything is crashing down around me. Everything that's happened to my family is because of me.

If I never existed they would be alive, and happy. Everyone I know would be so much happier. Now the only family I have left isn't even my family, he just took care of me.

Happy, realizing I can't stand, picks me up and carrys me to the car. The puts me in the back seat and drives me to the tower.

By the time we get there I can stand and walk but I need someone to hold me up. I'm still sobing but finally there are tears.

We ride up in the elevator and he types something on his phone that I can't see. When we reach our floor, the sorts open and I see a woman with long blonde hair around mr.starks age.

"This is pepper potts. She's here for you to talk too." Happy says. Ms.potts reaches and helps hold me up and we walk to her office. I sits down. in a chair and just cry for about and hour.

When I can speck, I explain what happened as best I can. I have to hold venom back. Who knows if hydra can control him.

She talks to me about who my dad was, and what he was like, and made me tell her some of the good memories. I told her all of them because there aren't that many that I can remeber. I don't know if I'll ever get them back.

I ended up staying at stark tower after talking go ms.romanoff for awhile. She said she would try her best to do what ever she can for me.

I stayed in bed for a month. After that it was a week of only getting out of bed to use the restroom. Then about two weeks of nothing but sleeping, crying, eating, throwing up, and going back to bed.

It's going to take a long time for me to be the smiley person I was before. If I can ever smile again, a real, genuine smile. The kind that only happens when your heart fills with happiness. But now apart of my heart isn't there, so it can't be full.

I just want my dad back, even if he hits me and helps at me. I just want to hear his voice. To hear him say my name. I want to hug him. I want to know that everything is the way it always was.

Even if the way it always was was me thinking mom killed herself and that I never had a younger brother. Even if it was that dad was always drunk or high on pain killers. Even if he was screaming at me.

I just want things to go back to the way they were. Why can't things go back to the way things were?