guys!! two weeks ago my book became 1 year old!! how incredible is that.

❥

After those 3 words breathed past our lips for the first time, I feel indestructible like nothing could ever upset me ever again. The smile on my face goes from ear to ear and I feel like I'm floating on a cloud.

Every song that comes on is a love song, every picture I see or draw is something connected with love and every time I see Issac my heart feels like it's going to irrupt.

How can one teenage boy make me feel like this? I've never felt like this before. I've never relied on someone to be my source of happiness and nor will I ever but having the comfort of knowing someone loves me, I know having someone love me is completely indescribable.

We've barely been able to keep our hands off each other and it's only been a few days. It's sparked something between us, like a surge of lust has been injected into us because any alone time we have, is spent kissing up walls or fondling - that's more on his behalf.

Even right now, sitting in the passenger seat of Issac's car on the way to our weekend away to the country side, his hand rests on my upper thigh zapping electricity through my leg.

"Are we nearly there?" I whine in my chair, playing with the rings on his fingers, frowning whenever he takes it away to change gear - but it finds it's way back.

"Yes but if you ask again I'm gonna drive slower" He smirks over at me and I glare at him.

"I wanna go swimming in the pool you told me about, I packed my three favourite bikinis" I frown and suddenly the car speeds up making me giggle.

"Say no more, I'll get us there in five" He changes gear again but I snag his hand back nesting it into my lap so I can steal on of his rings.

I was so scared to let myself feel romantically about Issac to the point I was petrified and now, I'm blurting words like - I love you.

I can't help it, i love him, every time I look at him, touch him, smell him I feel like a firework. I can't picture a life without him and when I do it actually pains my body, my breathing gets caught and my throat feels like it's swelling up along with everything else, I'm convinced the thought will kill me.

I even love the shape of his fingers and the detail of his hands. I trace the lines on his palm with my finger tip smiling to myself.

I hear the car drive onto some pebbles and I look up, my eyes practically shape into love hearts at the site of the little cottage.

A little house stands between tall hedges, a little gap is sliced at the side of the house which leads to the garden. "It's so pretty" I say in awh.

The cottage is the shade of cream with an oak wood door, I'm almost melting in love with it by the second. My family never went on country side holidays it was always places where the sun was bright and the beaches were beautiful - which I'm not complaining about but it's nice to do something different for once.

We get out the car and Issac is covering his face with his hoodie, "What are you doing?" I laugh.

"Covering my face" He moves around the car so his back is to the house next door at all times, "I can see that, but why?" I raise my eyebrows.

"Because I used to have a thing going with the girl next door when me and Eric used to come up, if she sees me it's gonna be well awkward" He says in a whisper in case she hears but there is no one in sight.

"Classy" I shake my head laughing, "Didn't it end well?" I open the boot, Issac helping with his one free hand.

"I didn't end it" He mumbles grabbing his bag and quickly moving inside.

"What?" My laugh has gone, "What do you mean?" I grab my bag before shutting the boot and race after him.

"Well we had a thing, then well, me and Eric stopped coming up and I never spoke to her again" He walks inside, "So she could still think you have a thing?" I raise my eyebrows.

"It wasn't a thing-thing, more of a, sexual thing" He nods nervously, I roll my eyes.

"Again, classy, if she comes over here expecting these, sexual things, I swear" I glare at him, he laughs.

Being annoyed with him I hasn't noticed the inside, it's lovely. So cosy and warm. The stairs have a wooden banisher and dark wooden floors to match. The walls are painted cream like the outside and curtains hang on the window.

"You like?" He smiles at me, "Yes" I glare at him again but this time I'm just messing.

"Awh princess don't be mad, I can't help-it-if I'm a lady killer" He winks, I wrinkle my face, "Of course you are"

I walk through into the living room, two long stretches of sofa point towards the tv, a dark brown with some light brown fabric. I run my hands over the sofa material.

I spot a fireplace and instantly start to imagine the cosy night me and Issac are gonna have in front of it watching telly, I grin to myself.

I look at the kitchen, so spacious and luxurious it was the perfect little cottage, so quiet and peaceful. It's gonna to be amazing to meditate here.

"Darc have you seen the pool?" Issac calls from outside, I follow his voice with raised eyebrows.

"Wow" I step outside to see a massive pool. I never really expected a pool to come with a cottage, when Issac told me I was a bit surprised but it fits in perfectly.

"This place is so pretty" I look around at my surroundings, it has an amazing view from the jacuzzi, "You haven't even seen upstairs yet" Issac jumps around like an excited child and ventures upstairs.

I obviously follow, the carpet is warm and fuzzy under my feet as I climb the stares. I get greeted by a landing and five doors.

I follow Issac into what I imagine, the master bedroom. It's got a dark wooden theme. There's a big window on the wall where the sun shines in.

"I was thinking we could go to a drive in tonight, watch a movie under the stars" Issac lyes on the bed diagonally, wiggling his eyebrows and squinting his eyes slightly.

"Are you trying to seduce me?" I giggle, "Is it working?" He winks slowly.

"No" I laugh, he frowns then sticks his tongue out cheekily and takes his shirt off, "What about now?"

"Okay, it's working now" I try to hide my giggle.

"Do you only like me for my body?" He breaks out in a fake cry, rolling round on the bed, how dramatic.

"Yes" I play along sitting on the bed watching his act, "I thought you were different from the rest" He whales again.

I burst out laughing unable to control it which makes him laugh, "I'm not like the rest" I die my laugh down, moving slowly so I'm lying next to him.

"No, you're really not" He smiles touching my cheek, "Never met a girl whose favourite movie is shrek" He laughs.

"I love shrek" I smile, "Oi, donkey" I do my shrek impression which makes him laugh more.

I smile watching his laughing face and wrap my arm around his neck pulling him towards me, "You're mad" He looks into my eyes.

"At least my favourite movie isn't Pirates of the Caribbean" I smirk looking up at him, his mouth drops open making me laugh.

"What's wrong with Pirates of the Caribbean?" He smiles whilst I laugh, "If I swung the other way I'd deffo get with Johnny Depp" He nods.

"Like you have a chance" I give him a playful look, another smirk tempting on my lips.

"What are you trying to say?!" He starts fake crying again, wiping away his imaginary tears.

"I'm joking, you're beautiful. I'm sure he'd love to have you" I show a toothy smile.

"No that's not enough, you've hurt my feelings" He whines into the bend of my neck.

"Okay, what would you like?" I hold back a giggle as I stroke his hair.

"Well I mean, my shirt is off so.." He pops his head back up with a gigantic smirk.

"Issac" I blush, becoming embarrassed, "Awh darling Darc, don't go all embarrassed on me" He laughs now that my head is covered in his neck.

"Nooo, what about if you don't like the look of me?" I mumble. I never normally feel like this but with Issac it's a big deal, if he doesn't like my body, what am I gonna do?

"Darcy I've seen you before and I definitely love everything about your body, you're so silly" He starts tickling me, I scream immediately and wiggle around.

"Issac, stop" I laugh, panting for air in between.

He stops and kisses my cheek, "You don't ever have to be embarrassed by your body around me, even if you had no arms or legs I'd still think you were the most beautiful person to walk this earth" He smiles down at me after perching himself up on his knees in between my legs.

I smile and tug at the hem of my shirt until it's over my head and on the floor, "Is one happy now?" I lean up, lifting my head up as much towards his.

"Very" He leans down and kisses me, pushing me back in process, our lips don't disconnect for a second.

❥

The day falls into night, me and Issac still very much loved up to the most soppiest content, kisses every five seconds, our hands not going 10 seconds without been drawn to each other's body, psychically not being able to be without body contact. The people in the shop think we're mad as we giggle, smothering each other in lip connection.

"I'm cooking for you tonight" I smile up at him, we've nipped to the shop that's five minutes away from the cottage, it's placed in a small dainty town.

"Am I going to be poisoned?" He darts his eyes down at me with a playful smile.

"No! I can cook" I fold my arms, he laughs and kisses my forehead, "Okay, okay, what are we having?" He walks into another isle, I follow closely behind.

"I think spaghetti and meatballs" I nod, "You read my mind, I'm craving pasta for some reason" He stops looking at the biscuit options.

His hand snakes around my waist and up the back of my shirt, slowly drawing circles on my back. I shiver with goosebumps.

"Want any biscuits?" He looks down at me, I nod feeling weak under his touch, "Which ones?" A smile creeps up onto his lips.

"Um- oh, those ones, I like to dip them in tea" I regain my senses and point to some cookies, "You mean you like to dip them in my tea" He raises his eyebrows, his hand leaving my body so he can grab the biscuits.

"What's yours is mine?" I bat my eyelashes at him innocently, he shakes his head and moves on, taking my hand.

I gather the things I need for tea and we pay for our items. "I don't think that man liked us" Issac mumbles after we leave the shop.

"I don't think he appreciated our PDA" I laugh with a shiver, the cold winds wraps around me tightly.

"Who doesn't appreciate young love?" Issac says dreamy whilst taking off his fluffy hoodie. "That man" I giggle.

He stands behind me and guides my arms into his hoodie, "Y0u're going to be cold" I frown.

"I can't have you cold can I? Happy girlfriend, happy life?" He picks up the bag of food items that he'd placed on the floor and smiles at me.

"I think the term is, 'happy wife happy life" I laugh, he takes my hand as we make our way back.

"Well you aren't my wife yet" He swings the bag, "Yet?" I raise my eyebrows at him, a smile unable to stop itself appearing.

"Yes, yet, you will be, Mrs Darcy Flynn, one day" He shows a goofy smile that makes my heart melt.

When we return to the little cottage I start cooking, all I could hear on the way back was mine and Issac's stomachs groaning in hunger.

I whip out my phone and FaceTime mom to check on Romeo, he's sleeping but soon perks up when I put on my special dog voice.

When the food is ready I place it on the table which is decorated with a candle and some flowers, I set the lighting mood and ball up the excitement waiting for Issac to come down.

"Dinners ready" I stand by the table when his body pops through the door, excitement dancing within my body.

"You're the cutest" Is all he says before he kisses me and we sit down, "I better not die" He looks at me through his eyelashes.

"I can cook, my dad taught me" I narrow my eyes at him.

We eat in silence for a bit until I feel my phone buzz and quickly take a peek at it. I smile when it's Ellie but frown at her message, she still hasn't told her dad.

"Who is it?" Issac tries to peer over, "Ellie" I put my phone back deciding to message her when I've finished eating.

He nods, "Why are you so quiet when it comes to Ellie?" I question him, he shrugs, "Haven't got much to say"

"She could really do with a few friends right now" I twirl spaghetti around my fork, "She's a bit down at the minute"

"I don't think me and Ellie are the best of friends" He rolls his eyes, "You used to be"

"Yeah, key-word used, before she changed" He shakes his head in disappointment almost, "She has her reasons" I mumble. I don't know who to side with, Issac is my boyfriend and Ellie has become one of my best friends in the course of weeks. I shouldn't have to pick sides, I don't know why he's being like this.

I decided to drop the conversation and so does he by our lack of communication. I sigh and finish my food.

He doesn't seem to notice when I slip off for a bath.

I sit in the boiling hot water, letting my body burn and turn red. I could turn the cold tap on but my mind stops me, convinces me I deserve pain.

Me and Issac can be absolutely amazing but there always comes this moment. It was never there before but now, it feels like there's just something, something wrong.

I grip the side of the bath when I feel my breathing quicken, I can't loose Issac. Whatever this thing is and I know there is one because I can feel it, I will stop it.

A life without Issac? I feel sick just thinking about it, without him I'd be so lonely and Issac is sometimes the only one to make me feel wanted and I hate that.

I love that he wants me obviously, but knowing I need a person to make me feel loved and wanted instead of being able to provide that for myself, is scary.

I slip under the water, holding my breath. The water burns my face but I don't care, I numb it out.

I want to cry but nothing comes, I want to scream but I know I can't, I feel like I'm suffocating.

"Darcy!" My body gets pulled up from the water, I gasp for air. "What are you doing?!" Issac's face is plastered with fear.

"I'm sorry I just- I don't know" I fail to meet his eye, a pang of guilt rushes through me as I've realised what I've done.

How could I be so insensitive? Scaring Issac like that on a weekend like this.

"I'm sorry" I burst into tears, curling my legs to my chest, crying into my knees.

"Don't cry, it's okay" I feel him wrap his arms around my wet body, "I didn't realise what I was doing, I'm sorry" I cry into his shoulder.

The tears come gushing out of my body uncontrollably, I feel Issac's grip on my burning body.

"C'mon" He gently coos, slowly lifting me out of the bath. I whine when my feet hit the floor to fetch a towel. "Your water is scolding" he flinches back immediately when he tried to remove the pull hole.

I look away embarrassed. I know he knows what I was doing. "What's the matter Darc?" He turns around raising his eyebrows.

"Nothing" I mumble, "You can tell me" He frowns. I know I can tell him but really, there's nothing to tell.

He sighs and leaves the room, my heart sinks. I hear him ruffling around and he reappears with some underwear and one of his shirts.

"I don't know why I did that, there was no reasons behind it- I'm sorry- I just-" More tears spill as I slowly pull the clothes on.

I cry more when his hands are wrapped around me, a river of tears stream out of my eyes into his shoulder.

"Darc, don't cry. It breaks my heart to see you like this" He pulls back whipping my eyes, being careful to not put to much pressure on my skin. "Just, please, don't do that again"

After Issac calms me down I crawl into bed, I pull the sheets over me wrapping myself in warmth. I can feel my nose blocking up from all the crying.

I frown, I've ruined all the plans me and Issac had tonight, he was treating me to a drive in and a night under the stars.

I feel so sad for no reason, I'm here on a weekend holiday with my boyfriend, who I love and I'm doing things like this?

Tears brim once again, why does this always happen? Whenever I do things like this, it just feels right, my body just takes over, like the hot water - it hurt but for some reason my body didn't move, even when I could feel my skin burning.

You deserve pain. You're pathetic.

Am I suicidal? Is that what this is? Do I want to die? There's a different between suicidal thoughts and being suicidal, do I feel anything like that?

I want to grow and visit the world and different art museum but at the same time my future looks bleak, dark, nothingness. Where is my life going?

I just want this to stop, whatever I'm feeling. I'm scared when I close my eyes at night, I know a new day is coming and I'm gonna have to try and battle my way through it.

It's a fight everyday, with myself. Constant thoughts, constantly crossing roads without thinking just waiting for my eyes to close so I don't have to fight with myself anymore.

Surviving and managing one day is a miracle, lying in bed I feel proud but that's soon eaten up when the thought of I've to try push through the next day and the next day after that.

It terrifies me, makes me feel sick, goosebumps and scared feelings rippling through every part of my body, into every crack. Why did it have to choose me? What have I done wrong?

Will it ever end?

❥

last day of half term :/ kinda sad but i miss college sm and i've only been off a week ):

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