I couldn't breathe. Rafe was a whimpering mess in the back of my mind. All I could think of was Cecilia. My Cecilia. My mate. My love. She was gone, and it was all my fault. Rafe and I both knew it. We hadn't protected her. I should have assigned someone to make sure she stayed in the pack house. I shouldn't have let that second wolf gain the advantage and provide Drabek with an opportunity. I should have been able to protect what was mine.

Instead, Drabek took her from me. I didn't even get my revenge. The pack had killed him for me and I had no one to take the anger out on, now. I was trapped in my head with my guilt, sorrow and anger. My soul-mate was gone.

I tortured myself with memories of her. She was all I could think about. Visions of her exploded behind my eyelids torturing me with memories even as I knew that we would never make more.

The first time I saw her, smiling, giddy. She had been so happy that her parents had gotten her a dog for her birthday. She had made the embarrassing experience of being caught by animal control worth every second.

All the nights that we had laid in her bed and she just talked, telling me every thought that passed through her mind. I was her pet, not a person, and she was more open with me then than she even was with her friends. I learned so many things about her on those nights. Not to mention the happiness and contentment I got from cuddling with her while she talked.

I remembered all the times that she would feed me her food when I glared at her for giving me a bowl of dog food. She knew how much I hated dog food and I couldn't believe that it never tipped her off.

All the times that I had licked her face. The squeal and giggle that she would do. The giggle haunted me. It was the most adorable sound in my existence and I knew that I would never hear it again.

The day at the beach when I had revealed myself. She was so terrified and adorable as she sat there with her hands covering her face, demanding that I cover myself before she would open her eyes again. She was so achingly innocent.

The acceptance I saw in her eyes when she told me to start at the beginning. I couldn't believe my luck as I sat beside her in that hallway and explained everything to the best of my abilities. I had been so amazed when she accepted my explanation and hadn't called me crazy and pushed me away.

Playing catch with her and her friends afterwards. She'd smiled and pretended we had just met. She was so clumsy when anything was thrown at her, but it was amazing to finally be able to stand beside her and catch them for her. Or just throw the ball to her so gently that she could cradle it to her stomach to catch it.

I remembered how nervous she was when I told her that she had to meet the pack. Even with her nerves, she was perfect. She got along with everyone and even though she and Mason had a food fight, which was totally out of line, she looked adorable all covered in food and laughing. Her eyes had sparkled with happiness.

Even though it annoyed the living hell out of me, I still thought she was so beautiful, strong and courageous for fighting to make me accept her cousin as a vampire. Then she'd stood up for all of the vampires that Xavier had introduced her to as well. I really hated having them around her, but I had trusted Xavier to keep her safe.

I remembered her graduation day. It was such a big day and she'd been so excited to finally be done with high school. It had been a little stressful finding out that Bane had been there, but she out-shined everything else. When those two vampires had taught us how to waltz and Cha-Cha, her eyes were so bright and happy. I would give anything to hold her in my arms once more, spinning her around a dance floor and looking into her beautiful eyes.

And the best and worst memory: the playful smirk on her face that tried and failed to hide the worry in her eyes before the battle. That kiss and her promise to let me mark her if I came back to her in one piece. She'd agreed to let me make her mine forever if I came back. That's what broke my heart the most. I'd come back, just like I'd promised, but she was the one that was gone.

It was just so hard to believe that she wasn't here, that I wasn't going to see her ever again. It was so hard to believe that the light and love she gave me was just gone. Just like that. And it was my fault.

My mom had spent the first day trying to convince me that I was wrong, but she was the one that was wrong. This was my fault and I didn't deserve the comfort she tried to give me. I'd sent her away and locked the bedroom door. I didn't want to see anyone.

It had been days since Cecilia had been in my room, but I could still smell her scent on my pillow and my blankets. The scent made the heartache grow even more, something I hadn't thought possible, but I embraced it. I deserved it. If I had protected her, she would still be here. I deserved all this pain and more because I had failed the most important person in my life.

I could hear people moving around downstairs, but they knew that my door was locked. No one would bother me. I deserved to be alone and I was grateful that they understood it as much as I. I couldn't deal with anyone else right now.

The only thing I wanted was to be wrapped up in her scent and stay there. I would stay there until I died and found her again. It was just too bad Eli couldn't stay away and let me do that.

It was late afternoon when he barged into my room, breaking the lock and showing that he was a firm believer in tough love. "Jackson, get your moping ass out of bed!" he ordered me. "Cecilia wouldn't want you wasting away in here!"

I snarled, hating him talking about her like he knew what she would have wanted. "Cecilia would want to be dead right now, either!"

Eli glared at me, standing threateningly over my bed. "I saw what happened, little brother. I saw her sacrifice herself for you. She saw that Drabek had the upper hand and she saved you, by sacrificing herself. Do you want to let her last sacrifice be in vain?"

"She never should have done it!" I growled at him and I hated that the pain was palpable in my voice. "I was supposed to protect her, not the other way around!"

"Well, she did," Eli replied in a firm voice. "She saved you. Now you need to pull yourself together and help me run this pack. I've been picking up your work for almost five days and I need you back. Don't let her death be in vain." He said his piece quietly, pleadingly.

Anger filled me. Her death shouldn't have happened. None of this should've happened. I should have protected her. Why hadn't I? I roared angrily and picked up my lamp, chucking it against the wall, the sound of the ceramic shattering easing some of the anger. I picked up my night stand next, chucking that at a wall as well, listening and watching as the wood splintered to pieces. It made me feel slightly better and I steadily destroyed everything in my room while Eli stood in the center and watched me with pity in his eyes.

Eventually, I ran out of things to throw and I stood there, panting. The anger had drained, as had my energy. I was just tired now. I was completely exhausted and I just wanted some sleep. I knew that Eli understood. He put a comforting hand on my shoulder. "Rest, brother. Then, come downstairs and have some dinner. After, we'll talk about the pack and things that need to be done."

I took Eli's advice. I slept for a few fitful hours, dreaming of Cecilia. Then I went downstairs for the dinner my mom had prepared. I could see the pity in their eyes, but I ignored it as I ate my food and then thanked my mom for cooking.

I found that throwing myself head first into pack politics was an easy way to keep my emotions at bay. If I closed off my emotions and focused on the cold hard facts of pack issues, I could almost block the pain of losing my Cecilia.

I worked endlessly through the day, until I ran out of work. Then I went out and found some more. I'd find any issue I could, big or small, and I fixed it. I needed something to keep my mind busy. I couldn't stand the still times.

Night was the worst. As I lay in bed, trying to fall asleep, all I could think about was Cecilia. Memories of her played as I tried to sleep and I couldn't focus on anything other than her eyes, her smile, her laugh. Everything that we'd been through played through my mind.

I found a way to stop that as well. I ran on the treadmill downstairs until I was ready to collapse and the second I hit my bed, I was out. My dreams were filled with her, but memories of her during my waking hours were repressed. I couldn't function when they assaulted me.

Her last words had been that she loved me. She'd never said that to me before and I'd been so shocked I hadn't gotten the chance to say it back before she'd gone. And I'd loved her so much. Shaking my head, I threw myself back into the paperwork in front of me, ignoring any emotions that tried to break through.

I still hadn't heard from Rafe. It'd been two days since Eli dragged me out of bed, and sometimes I couldn't even feel him. It worried me, but worry was an emotion and if I let that one through the wall, they'd all break through the dam that I'd built to protect myself, so I pushed it back and ignored it.

I was going through the motions of living, but I was dead inside without Cecilia.

I shuffled my finished paperwork into their correct folders and envelopes and then pulled Eli's paperwork towards me. I'd taken over his as well yesterday. He hadn't liked it, but I'd convinced him that I needed more work to keep me busy. He'd acquiesced, albeit unwillingly.

As I read through the first page, I heard a knock on the door to my office. "Come in," I said in the dull voice that had become common.

I looked up as the door opened and watched Xavier step into the room. What was he doing here? Seeing him brought back memories of Cecilia. She'd loved him so much. I saw an image of her grinning impishly before I shoved everything forcefully back behind my dam. I would not feel. I couldn't. It all hurt too much.

"What can I do for you?" I asked Xavier when I was sure that I had all my emotions locked up again, my voice as dead as I felt inside.

I saw the pity in Xavier's eyes and I ignored it. "You look terrible, Jackson," he said softly.

My dam cracked again and I had to move quickly to make sure every single emotion stayed behind it before I answered him. "Did you need something?"

Xavier ran a nervous hand through his hair as he stared at me. "Look, Jackson, there's really no easy way to tell you this. I can't really ease you into it, so I'm just going to come out and say it. Cecilia's alive."

My dam completely shattered. Wood flew everywhere and all of my repressed emotions slammed into me at once. Misery, anger, depression...hope. I shut that down quickly. It was impossible. I let the anger take over instead. "She died in my arms, Xavier," I snarled at him angrily, standing and shoving my chair back into the wall. "In my fucking arms!"

"I know she did," Xavier replied calmly. "But Cecilia was born with vampire genes. She was what we called a dormant. She had the genes to become a vampire, but she never made the transition. Her death activated her vampire genes. She woke up today."

I sank back into my chair. Was he messing with me? It couldn't be possible. Cecilia would have told me something like that. But, my anger wasn't enough to crush my hope this time. My voice quivered as I asked, "Are you messing me with right now, Xavier?"

Xavier shook his head, giving me a small smile. "She's alive, Jackson."

I jolted out of my seat as Rafe came alive, barking happily. "Take me to her," I demanded of him.

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