God knows I've tried

to give it all I had

and yet I came up

empty-handed

I was trying to breathe

under water

how far do you think I could've made?

🌸

For anyone who might be wondering where I was, you can go through my message board on my profile where I left a couple of updates as to what was happening with me. But as a spoiler alert: I've just been away. And for once, it wasn't from Wattpad but writing itself. I do not know why I haven't been writing or maybe I do know but don't want to think about it, but bottom line is that I haven't written more than a couple of poems in last six months. Some may call it a writer's block, but I feel like it's not that. Writer's block is when you sit to write but can't come up with words to write. While I, on the other hand, just don't feel like writing anymore. No, I haven't given up on it. But I guess too many things have been happening in my life lately that seem okay on the surface but are really not okay somewhere deep down. I even missed S O W E D's one year anniversary (31st July, 2017) when it should've been a day I celebrated but I just watched as the day came and passed like it was an ordinary day of my life and I can't feel anymore indifferent to missing it than I already do.

No, I do not want to worry you. I am okay. I'm managing with life. I still eat and enjoy the food (on most days), I still go out (but only with a couple of people and no more), I still laugh and I'm still obsessing over my fandoms when I want to...but I keep feeling like in anything I do, I always feel kind of... incomplete. I do not know how exactly to express it without saying what I don't want to say but I feel something weird in a way that I don't want to.

I repeat, I am okay. But maybe not completely. But then again, who is? And so I feel like maybe I just need to be patient or maybe I just need to hold on for just a while longer before things will be okay.

To tell you the truth, when I started writing this author's note, I didn't plan on writing all of this. But once I started typing, it all came on its own. And I felt like I shouldn't delete it because I want you to see a raw piece of me too. Because from the first page of this book to where we are, I've been trying to tell you all to not feel like you're the only one, to not feel alone. I've been telling you to hold on and I've been telling you to not give up on yourself. And sometimes, maybe you've believed me. Some of you tried and got to know me a little personally and knew that every word I said, I meant it. Everything I say I feel for you, I feel it genuinely. But there might have been times you probably felt that I do not know what I'm talking about, you probably wanted to doubt me and you didn't want to think I was any different than those who said they are there for you but in the end, left without wanting to explain why.

I know it's hard to talk about things. I know it better than anyone else. And then people assuming that you don't have anything to talk about. That you're happy or okay or just a normal average person without any extra weight that you know you're carrying with you. Not everyone can see that weight. And through whatever I've said above, you don't see much of what I'm carrying (regardless of whether it's heavy or light) but I feel like I've told you enough to give you an idea that I too, like you all, carry a weight. And that sometimes it's easy to carry and sometimes, it takes up all the space you have and you end up letting go of other things that you probably didn't want to.

What I'm trying to say (as I've tried to say from day one) is that I understand. And I'm here for you because of the same reason - because I understand what you're going through. I may not have felt everything or have experienced everything you do or did, but deep down, there's a common ground that lets us look deeper into each other than most of others.

, coming to what I meant to originally write in this author's note. As you all may have noticed, S O W E D is coming to the end of number of chapters a book can have on Wattpad. Which means I'll have to end S O W E D too. To be honest, I've been holding myself back from doing that for a long time for more than just one reason. Coming back to Wattpad with this poetry book in the August of 2017 and everything that happened from there on was probably the best thing that has happened to me in a long while. I came here with the book only to write poetry at first and with little to no expectations of what I've achieved today. I had goals but they weren't as high and as quick to achieve as I have achieved them. And with all of that came so many other things, specially people I've been able to get to know and have made friends with.

This book is going to be beyond special for me. Always. I would hate to put a 'the end' on this book and yet, I know I can't forever keep it going because it needs to have an end or it would be incomplete too.

However, there are still a few chapters to go and it's going to take me a while to put an actual 'the end' to it because I still have to edit it before I actually call it a finished book. So it isn't going anywhere for quite a while. But once I'm done editing and giving it the finish, I have to say goodbye. A happy one. And I wanted to say this all so that you all would have time to prepare for it too. I don't know how special this book might be for you, but to this book, each of you all are much, much more than just special. For all the love and support that this book has recieved in past year and half and more, I can't thank you enough.

I know it's been a really long chapter but if you've made it to the end, thank you. Even if you couldn't keep up and skipped to the end, it's okay too. Author's notes were always a choice anyway.

Thank you for reading and thank you for understanding if you do. Maybe some of you understand it more than others or some of you felt closer to the words written above than others, regardless...know that you're not alone in anything you do. There's always someone out there who knows what you're feeling and who... .

🌻