《forever is an illusion ✓》you destroyed me.
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[ hello loves. this 'series' is inspired by @flwrah and her book 'seams and stitching' in which she wrote absolutely incredible poems about four girls in her life. my take on this only has three guys and in no way am i comparing myself to her. i just got inspired by her and this is my work.]
please read the whole poem, especially the end because it brings everything together and i am letting go of a huge part of myself here! let me know your thoughts ♡
h i m ( p a r t 1 ) - S U N
sun, oh sun,
you were the most beautiful
boy i had seen.
i remember walking in the
class, it was day one of
second grade and you were
the most beautiful boy
i had seen.
i remember you giving me
a lilac and
i remember me squealing.
i had no friends but i had your lilac
to keep me company.
i remember staring at
you and i remember you staring at
me and i remember grinning widely.
i remember crying
because of mother and fathers
usual fighting but i
remember crying more because
of the lilac turning black.
i remember walking in the
class, first day of high school
and you were still the
most beautiful boy i had seen.
i still had no friends but i
had a thousand scars to keep me company.
i remember me staring at you
and i remember you staring at me
and i remember smiling softly.
i remember sitting together
and your friends cheering you
and i remember the lilac you gave me.
i had one friend and fifteen more scars to keep me company.
i remember me staring at you and i
remember you winking at her
and i remember me dying inside.
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sun, oh sun,
you were still the most beautiful
boy i had ever seen.
i imagined you in every passing
window and i saw you
in every dream, giving me a lilac.
then i remember me staring at you
and you winking at me and i
remember dying inside.
i now had four friends and
twenty-six more scars to keep me
company.
i remember you giving me a rose
and i remember me swooning.
i remember watching disney with
you and interwining our hands
and i remember me squealing.
i remember me staring at you and i remember you staring at me and i remember me getting butterflies.
i remember receiving a note
with the words 'i love you' and
me dying inside.
i had fifteen friends and a thousand
new memories to keep me company.
i remember talking to you for
hours then you ignoring me the
next day.
sun, oh sun,
i remember walking into class, and
you were still the most beautiful
boy i had ever seen
i remember you giving me a cold
stare and i remember me dying
inside.
i had three friends and a thousand
more scars.
i remember me staring at a void and i remember you staring at me and i remember the bile rising in my throat.
i remember you coming back to
me and i remember me refusing.
i remember getting scarred
and i remember me dying.
i remember the lilac you gave me
and i sob silently.
i remember the denial and
i remember you using girls for their
bodies.
i had zero friends and lost count
of the fresh scars.
sun, oh sun,
why couldn't you hold back?
do you remember the day you gave
me a lilac?
don't you remember the disney
movies or the memories?
please tell me you remember.
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i remember you saying no.
you remember the denial, the
refusal, the exhilaration
but not the scars.
don't you love me?
sun, oh sun,
i remember walking in class and
you were still the most beautiful
boy i had ever seen.
but i had just realized your
beauty hid your beast.
sun, oh sun,
i hope you know the smiles
you stole,
i hope you know how it feels
like to be weak.
sun, oh sun,
don't you ever think about me?
about the girl who would
blush silently ever time your gaze
locked her in?
the girl you said was your first love,
the girl who received your lilac?
or the girl who you
manipulated and tampered as you wished?
or the girl who wishes to never
be touched because of your 'pranks'?
sun, oh sun,
i hope the lilacs in your garden
rot, just like my veins did,
i hope the pages in your notebook
tear apart, just like my mind did,
and i hope the rings on your
fingers get lost, just like i lost
myself.
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