CHAPTER 39:

"We're going in circles. Dizzy's all it makes us, we know where it takes us, we've been before." ~Same Mistakes, One Direction.

Tuesday, 24th December 2013

ZAYN'S POV

My Mum was once more at my bedroom door, pleading at me to come out and talk to her. Why should I though? I know what she'll say. She'll say what Dad had told me. I'm an embarrassment to him. What I am isn't right. I shouldn't be with the guy I love.

Dad was not making an effort like Mum and Doniya were, and I was fucking glad. I'm not a fan of talking to him either right now.

I ignored Mum like usual and turned up the volume on my iPod. My phone had been switched off for days now and I know I'm stupid for worrying my friends like that, for worrying Harry like that. But I'm done now. I'm just fucking done.

I try my hardest to not care about what anyone ever says about me, but I just can't, alright? Everyone has a flaw, so do I. And a big fat one at that. Yeah, my flaw is that I can't stand criticism. I can't stand someone talking shit about me or the ones I love, or not accepting me.

I try to hide it, but I can't. I'm a coward. And that is the precise reason why I'm holed up in my room right now, ignoring very single human being, not caring about my actions.

Of course, I know I'm hurting Harry, he deserves an explanation. But he'll understand. He doesn't deserve a fucked up coward like me. He has let go now, I'm sure. He didn't even come to see if I was okay. Granted, I told him not to, but still.

When it was well past midnight and I was damn sure everyone was asleep for Christmas tomorrow, I sneaked out of my room for some food. Yeah, Christmas, a fucking joyous family occasion. Sure doesn't fell like it though. Never has.

I climbed down the stairs and padded my way across the tiled floor to the kitchen. Opening the fridge, I pulled out some leftover pasta and heated it in the microwave.

"Zayn, is that you?"

Without even waiting to see who it was, I grabbed my plate and started to walk back upstairs.

"Stop right there Zayn, I mean it," I heard Doniya warn. I sighed and turned back to her, but not making eye contact.

"What is wrong with you, Zayn? Why are you hiding out in your room on Christmas?"

"I'm not in a very festive mood," I snapped sarcastically.

Doniya sighed, rubbing her forehead. "Look, just talk to me, alright? Hiding out like this isn't gonna help anyone. And I think I've an idea of what happened that night after you told Mum and Dad."

"What?" I growled.

"I hope to God you didn't break up with Harry. 'Cos then you'll be the biggest arse on the planet!" Doniya all but shouted at me.

"Why the fuck to you care? Why do any of you care?"

Doniya gave me a look of disbelief. "Cause we do care about you. You mean a lot to us. To me, to your friends and to Harry, you twat! Don't go throwing a pity party for yourself 'cos it isn't working! I'm telling you what's best for you, you're hurting yourself and everybody who cares about you by shutting yourself out."

I closed my eyes and looked away, processing my sister's words. She's right. She's absolutely right. I'm hurting the people who care about me, just 'cos something isn't going my way. God, I'm a selfish prick. And it takes me just a fucking second to realize it.

"By the look on your face, I think you finally understand," Doniya smiled in relief. I nodded at her, silently thanking her. Seriously, Doniya's even better than both of my parents combined.

"B-but, what about Harry?" I ran my hands through my hair in frustration. "God, I'm such an idiot! I let my emotions get the best of me. I-I thought that what I was doing was the best for both of us, but I was only thinking about myself. Harry never said he didn't need me, he- he trusts me and I might have even broke his heart! Given him the wrong idea, oh God!" I rambled frantically, more to myself, pacing back and forth on the kitchen floor.

Doniya placed a hand on my shoulder, stopping me. "Zayn, what do you think you should do?"

I looked up at my sister. "I gotta go talk to Harry. I know he understands, but I pulled such a stupid move, I hurt the most important person, I- shit. I- I was scared to talk to him, even when Liam asked me about him."

"What? You talked to Liam then?" Doni asked, a bit incredulous.

"Y-yeah. And-"

"And you didn't talk to Harry?!"

"I couldn't! I told-"

"God Zayn, you're an idiot! Liam must've told Harry then!" When I understood what she said, my heart dropped. Oh my God. I fucked up.

"I know! Harry might never forgive me. I know how he worries so easily, and-"

"Zayn, now what do you think you should do?" Doni asked me yet again.

"I-I'm going to go apologize to Harry right now, clear all this shit up. I can't believe I was such a fucking idiot! I almost-"

"Go then!" Doni urged me.

"But, what about..."

"Do what your heart tells you to," Doni advised me. I raised my eyebrow at her, and she shrugged.

"Sorry, always wanted to use that line. NOW GO!"

Without another word, I grabbed my hoodie from the hook and my car keys, and ran outside in the chilly air. I unlocked my car and jumped inside, driving straight to Louis' party.

~*~

I slammed my foot down on the brakes as soon as I came close to Louis' house, wrenching the door open and practically running to his house. I have no idea why I was in such a damn hurry. I just wanted to clear things up with Harry as soon as possible. I hope to God he doesn't hate me.

I rung the doorbell and pounded on the door at the same time, to be heard over the music. A drunk dude opened the door and I shoved him aside, craning my neck to spot any familiar faces. To my relief, I heard someone call out my name, and I snapped my head towards them. I saw Niall and Louis and made a bee-line towards them, roughly pushing people out of my way.

Louis had a scowl on his face, and his fists were clenched at his sides. I understand why he's angry. God, I know. "Louis! Look, calm down alright. I can explain," I soothed him.

But Louis became even more angrier at my words and took a step forwards. "How could you hurt Harry like that?" he yelled at me and I winced. Harry really was hurt, I hurt him. And it's all my fault.

"I-I know," I sighed. "I fucked up, bad. I let my emotions get in the way. I need to talk to Harry. Where is he?" I directed my question to Niall who was standing beside Louis.

"He left," Niall answered me quietly. W-what? Where? He left me? Without telling me? I mentally slapped myself. Well, I was the one not in contact with him for over a week, and I'm blaming him?

"L-left? Where? Why?" I managed to ask.

Louis rolled his eyes. "He left for Christmas to visit family."

I took a deep breath. Thank God. I was imagining the worst case scenario. "Where?" I asked and Louis scoffed, looking away. I understand he's still mad at me. I've hurt his best mate not once, but too many times.

Surprisingly, moments later, Louis answered me with a small smile. "He left for Sheffield."

"That's about five hours by car yeah?" I asked urgently, doing the mental math in my head. If I leave right now, I can make it there by dawn. Yes, I'm going after him. I can't wait till the New Year to talk to him. I don't want to start the New Year like that.

"Yeah," Louis answered, eyeing me suspiciously.

"Then I'm going after him!" And without wasting a second, I turned back out the door and jumped in my car, starting the engine and setting the address to Sheffield on my GPS. I hope I get there in time. Harry must already be there by now.

What the fuck am I gonna say to him when we'll meet? That I was a fucking idiot to ignore him like that? I was just scared and didn't know what I needed?

Hell, I'll tell him anything, anything that'll get him to take me back. I'll even get down on my knees if I have to.

'Cos I fucking love that boy. And I don't give a shit what my parents or anybody else thinks. I'm never going to make the same mistake again.

~*~

A few hours of driving, the GPS informed me I was halfway there, and the sun was already rising. God damn it! I rubbed my burning eyes and grabbed my phone from the seat. Shit! I didn't call Harry!

Do I want to surprise him? No! But what if I tell him I'm coming to him and he refuses? I need the address damn it! Well, I don't care. And without a second thought, I pressed on his contact and selected call.

I clenched the steering wheel tighter as the connecting tune rung. One the fourth ring, he picked up and my heart raced. After a bit of shuffling, I heard his raspy voice. "Z-Zayn?"

"Harry," I breathed into the phone.

"W-what? Wh-"

"I'm coming to talk to you Harry, to clear things up."

"Zayn- I- What do you mean- Here-" Harry stuttered.

"I'll meet you in a few hours hopefully."

"You're driving to Sheffield?" he choked out in surprise.

"Yeah. Look Harry, I know you're really mad at me right now, but I swear I just need a chance to talk to you. I-"

"Alright," Harry sighed, but didn't say anything further, just gave me the address to Robin's house.

I switched off the phone and tossed it back on the seat, letting out the breath I was unconsciously holding in. I was going to talk to Harry. I took a deep breath. Yes, I'm going to admit what a twat I was being, and I pray to God he forgives me, yet again.

~*~

Oooh! Nuffin much to say. (:

THE GIF ON THE SIDE. IDK WHY BUT THEY WERE HOLDING HANDS OH MY! *o* >>>

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