Having taken Hannah's advice and explaining, from the beginning, mine and Aidan's current predicament, I finish off feeling as though a weight has been lifted from my chest and already have a clearer perspective on things. I made sure to include everything, ranging from our agreement, to Anna finding us in bed together this morning and to say Hannah handles the news with ease is an understatement.

With listening ears and a non-judgemental tone, its a wonder she didn't become a therapist, although I must admit, the likelihood of her being slightly biased is a awfully high but still.

We're roughly mid way through our third cup of lemon and ginger tea; the herbal goodness proving as much a relaxation as anything when the irritating sound of someone frantically ringing the front doorbell sounds around us, quite frankly scaring me half to death. Ethan immediately stirs from his nap, which is no surprise when considering the loudness that is currently filtering through the entire house and with a begrudging sigh that would more than suggest her annoyance, Hannah rushes to the door, desperate for whoever it is to stop.

"Hannah, thank God." comes Anna's frantic voice, her tone filled to the brim with panic. "I've screwed up big time. It's Amelia, she hates me and I don't think she'll forgive me this time-" she cries, freezing mid sentence when locking her teary blue pools onto mine, her face physically contorting in pain as she does so.

"She's your sister, Anna of course she'll forgive you. You both just need to talk things through." responds Hannah, physically dragging her over to sit next to me, our awkwardness instantly creating a rather tense atmosphere.

Neither one of us speaks first, leaving poor Hannah to do all the initiating which, thankfully, she doesn't protest to doing.

"It's quite the mess you've gotten yourself into, isn't it, Amelia?" she speaks and I'm not quite sure if she's trying to crack a joke at the expense of my situation. "I in no way condone Aidan cheating on his fiancé but I'm afraid your situation isn't as straight forward as that. You have history together and I think it's pretty obvious old feelings still exist." she explains, making total sense in what she is saying. "And while I understand you're confused and upset with Anna for revealing that piece of information, I think you need to see things from her prospective. She's worried about you, sweetheart, we all are. We saw first hand what happened when Aidan left four years ago. No one wants to see you retreat back to that state when he leaves again in a months time. You've done so well to get where you are now, it'll be a shame to undo all that hard work as a result of one night together." she finishes, not one piece of judgement coming through in her tone.

I hesitantly nod my head, reluctant to fire straight back with my argument but determined to get my point across nevertheless. I have to make them respect my opinion on the matter, otherwise they'll never support me in my decisions and as much as I'm very much my own person, I need my family around to help.

"I understand that, I really do but everyone needs to stop treating me like I'm a ticking time bomb ready to explode at any minute." I express, making sure to maintain strong eye contact with them both. "I'm thankful for your worry and I appreciate your apprehension when it comes to me spending more time with him but I honestly don't know what else to do. I'm miserable without him and I know I'm being unrealistic; I'm well aware he's engaged to Sophie but I need you to realise that I'm doing this to try and get closure."

"But-"

"And I know what you're going to say. That I won't get closure from this and it'll only lead to more heartbreak." I interrupt, cutting Anna off in her much anticipated defence. "Maybe you're right, perhaps it will but I can't let my regret ruin me again. Do you know that's the one thing that keeps me up at night? Regret. I regret breaking up with him in the first place and while this may send me down another path of self destruction, at least I won't have to live with the 'what ifs'." I conclude, feeling exhausted after my elaborate explanation.

There's a moment of complete silence while both Hannah and Anna stare back at me; eyes full of question as neither one of them attempt to respond. Eventually, after much contemplating, Anna reaches her hand out to cradle mine, her vice-like grip taking me momentarily by surprise.

"I'm sorry for being a lousy sister." she cries, breaking the deafening silence between all three of us. "I shouldn't have told Aidan what I did and you're right, I need to be on your side. I fully support whatever you decide to do and I promise from this day forward I'll never bring up the past unless you want me to. And I also promise to be there for you if this entire things falls flat on its ass and you end up even more heartbroken than the last time. I just love you so much, Amelia and I want you to be happy; with or without him." she adds, leaping up from her position on the sofa to invade my lap.

"You're not a lousy sister." I laugh, finding Anna snuggling into me like a baby utterly hilarious. "You're an amazing sister; you've always been there for me, both of you." I add, looking to Hannah too, who appears to have a permanent smile slapped across her face. "I don't know where I'd be without family like you." I finish, just as the sound of a car engine entering the driveway fills my ears.

Dad's home.

"Can we maybe not mention my current situation to Dad, please." I beg, instantly making Hannah laugh at my request.

"I wouldn't dream of it. Aidan already got one punch to the face, let's not give your Dad a reason to dish out another one."

~~~~

Deciding I'd much rather take the stairs than having to wait several minutes for the elevator to come pick me up, I begin the dreaded journey up three flights, feeling like much the marathon runner by the end of it. I quickly fumble around in my pocket for my house key, having to remove my phone in order to do so, noticing straight away the umpteen missed calls I have from Aidan.

Shit.

I clumsily shove the device back in my dress pocket and turn the corner to enter my apartment; coming to an abrupt stop almost immediately when I see the man in question; head hung lowly between his knees, emulating the very essence of broken. He appears to be freshly showered and the rough textures of his stubble are no more as his jawline proudly shows a smooth edge, highlighting just how defined it is. Even upset, he looks good enough to eat.

"Aidan." I whisper, causing his head to harshly snap up, the pained expression etched in his face making my breaths almost unbearable.

"Jesus, Amelia I've been calling you for hours!" he complains, heaving himself up off of the floor. "I was worried sick about you; I've called, text, you name it. Darling, please don't ever run away from me again." he pleads, stumbling forward to take my small frame effortlessly in his arms.

He proceeds to bury his head in the crook of my neck, making sure to capture my every scent as he seemingly breathes in all I have to offer and rocks my body back and forth in a soothing motion. His kindness takes me by surprise as I'd somewhat expected him to have regretted last nights actions when the reality of what we had done hit, but it appears not as he gently and lovingly caresses my hair, leaning in to land explosive kisses on my sensitive skin.

"Would you like to come inside? Maybe I can make coffee and we can actually drink it this time while I explain a few things." I suggest, already moving from his hold to position the key at the lock.

He doesn't say anything, just follows me inside as I enter my apartment, the severity of what we're about to discuss hitting me with full force. Not everyone knows about this minor detail and that's partly down to my insistence but also Dads. The incident somewhat startled him and proved to be his absolute breaking point in the end. He swore not to make the same mistakes he did with my Mom and took matters into his own hands; temporarily leaving work and all but locking himself in my room for the first week. I remember, vaguely, the nights he would hold me against his strong frame as my nightmares became too realistic and how he used to read to me as a way of distracting my mind from the reality of the situation. He broke down on me on numerous occasions and that, more than anything, was my wake up call. I was destroying the people around me with my destruction and it want fair. It needed to stop.

"I'm out of milk, is black coffee ok?" I ask, raising my voice slightly so that Aidan can hear me through the kitchen wall.

"Sure, that's fine darling." he replies, his reference to my nickname sending all sorts of warm emotions pumping through me.

I swiftly finish off both mugs, carefully taking them through into the living room where I place them down on my oak wood coffee table.

"Thanks." whispers Aidan, the strain in his voice showing through prominently.

I offer him a weak smile in response, noticing instantly the strange atmosphere settling around us as neither one of us makes to speak. His hand grips harshly at my mug and in fear of it shattering into a million pieces, I risk talking in the hopes it eases his pent up anxiety.

"It isn't true, Aidan, I didn't attempt suicide." I state, figuring there's no point beating around the bush. "I'll admit it may look like that from the prospective of my Dad, Hannah and Anna and given my own Mother's track record, I can't say I really blame them." I pause, moving myself into a more comfortable position. This may take a while. "I was in a bad place; I wasn't eating, I wasn't talking and I hadn't slept properly in months, so Dad took me to see a doctor. He prescribed me some sleeping pills and they worked, for a while." once again, I pause, although this time I do so for the sake of my sanity. "Within a week I was struggling to maintain a full eight hours again, so when I woke up one night during a nightmare, I reached for the pills and took more than was recommended. I was half asleep and I certainly didn't put two and two together in realising I was putting myself in harms way. I just figured the more I took, the more likely they'd work."

Aidan makes a grab for my hand and wipes away a few tears I hadn't realised had fallen.

"You have to understand I was desperate. I just needed to rest and I would've done anything to make that happen." I tell him, attempting to hold back on some of my tears. "I woke up in hospital hours later, my stomach having being pumped. Anna had luckily checked on me and found me lying, unresponsive, next to an almost empty bottle of pills and called an ambulance straight away." I finish, allowing Aidan some much needed time to digest the information I've just so suddenly sprung on him.

He inhales a few steady breaths before nodding his head, seemingly comprehending whatever it is in his troubled mind.

"I believe you." he whispers, ever so quietly as his hand reaches out to cup my chin. "I can't imagine wanting to live in a world without you in it, Amelia and I'm sorry I put you in that position to begin with. I hate what I've done to you." his voice cracks as every ounce of built up emotion pours out of him in the form of guilt.

I hate seeing him like this and in a desperate need to change that, I position myself on either side of his lap, straddling his waist.

"Look at me, Aidan." I beg, taking his freshly shaven jaw in my hands and holding on for dear life. "None of this is your fault, none of it. I needed to hit rock bottom to bounce back again. After it happened I got my shit together and as it turns out, almost overdosing in that hospital was the best damn thing that could've happen to me. I don't want to be like her, Aidan. I love my Mom, I always will but I refuse to end up like she did just because the man I love has moved on without me." I say, my words sounding slightly harsher than intended, making me cringe as I feel Aidan stiffen from beneath me.

"Amelia."

"Sorry, I didn't mean it like that." I interrupt, quick to make my apology. "I wasn't having a go, I understand you wanting to move past this and I'm proud of the life you've created for yourself in London." I ensure, loving the smile that instantly appears on his face at the hands of my compliment.

I slowly stretch my fingers over his T-shirt covered chest and relish in the feeling his warmth has to offer me. I feel complete when I'm with him and safe against almost anything and I say almost because I'm pretty sure I'm not immune to more heartbreak as far as Aidan is concerned, but having made up my mind regarding future steps, it's certainly a risk I'm willing to take.

"I won't ask you to give any of that up, Aidan. Your home, your job," I pause briefly, before continuing, "your fiancé."

His grip on my waist tightens as I utter out the final part of my sentence but with sheer determination driving me forward, I fail to stop in my proposition.

"You're the only person who knows what I'm going through and I want us to help each other. We need to talk about things; our feelings, our life, our baby and the fact we never got to meet him." I explain, hearing the slight waver of my voice as I bring up the subject of our unborn child.

Instead of seeing resilience or guilt, as I had expected, Aidan responds with a wide smile, landing the gentlest of kisses on my forehead.

"You said him. Do you really think he was a boy?" he asks, sounding hopeful in his tone, happy even.

"I do." I admit, pulling back slightly to gauge his reaction. "And I bet he would've looked like you. Too handsome for his own good." I laugh, finding the concept of talking about this so openly oddly satisfying.

Aidan grins at my revelation but remains silent in his thoughts for a few short minutes, his lack of talking hinting towards an internal conversation.

"He would be three now." he suddenly sates, his tone adopting a rather sad tone as he openly engages in my choice of topic. "I don't talk about it with anyone else. Kyle has tried to get me to open up about things in the past but I refused to each time." he sighs, running a hand through his clean hair.

I nod my head in understanding, knowing exactly where he's coming from in terms of not wanting to discuss certain things.

"I like talking about it with you, though. I feel like you're the only one who truly gets it. I often feel stupid for loving someone I never actually met but with you, it feels normal. It feels right." he whispers, rubbing his hands up and down my sides in a comforting manner.

"Aidan?" I ask, instantly grabbing his attention with my sudden change in tone. "Last night was the happiest I've been in over four years." I admit, resting my forehead on his shoulders as I further snuggle into his strong build. "And I want you to tell me if I'm over stepping the mark right now but I'd like to carry on spending time with you until you leave for London."

I hold my breath as I wait for his reply, my reference to 'spending time with you' coming out far more suggestive than originally intended, although I'd be lying if I said that's not what I had in mind.

"Are you sure darling?" he asks, hesitantly so. "Are you absolutely positive that's what you want, need even?" he adds, gazing into my eyes whist seemingly evaluating my motives.

"Yes, I just feel like engaging in this thing with you will help. I already feel so much better having spent a few days with you and I know it'll hurt again when you leave but I have to at least try this, Aidan. It might not make things better but it sure as hell cant make it worse." I explain, enthusiastic in my argument. "I want to talk to you about things and open up to you about what I'm feeling. I think it'll help us to get things off of our chest and I know opening up about my miscarriage is healthy for us. Maybe by doing this, by spending time together, we'll 'move on'." I state, using air quotes to emphasise my lack of liking that particular phrase.

Aidan laughs at my choice in doing so.

"I say it like that because I doubt either of us will actually move on but maybe we can learn to accept our life for what it is and be happy with it. I love you Aidan, you're the love of my life and if I'm only allowed you for one month, then I'm certainly not wasting it." I finally tell him, feeling him flip us both over so that I'm situated beneath him, my legs widely spread to accommodate his lean body.

"I'd love nothing more, darling." he ensures, knocking all sense out of me as he latches onto my neck with his marvellous mouth.

"I'm going to teach you how to love yourself again, Amelia." he promises, attacking my mouth in the most glorious of ways. "Starting right now."

~~~~

❤️

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