"God, how I ricochet between certainties and doubt."

Sylvia Plath

The next day, after our return to Nevada, Nero found me packing my backpack in the early hours of the morning.

"Hiking again?" The younger boy was leant against the doorway to my bedroom, arms crossed against his chest and a frown on his face.

"Alone this time." I shoved my water bottle, the food I had packed early this morning, and my knife into my bag. Ignoring the way Nero eyed the sharp blade. He scoffed and pushed off from the wooden frame to stalk over to me.

"You're absolutely not. You're clearly upset, and I get you might need some distance right now but there's no way you're going hiking on your own with no way to contact the pack if something goes wrong."

"What on earth would go wrong? I've been hiking since I was a child, and I've been researching this territory long before I arrived here; I'm not going to get lost."

"I'm going to get my bag, don't leave without me," Nero warned, a surprisingly stern expression on his face. "I mean it, Emily, I will track you if you leave."

"For goodness sake," I huffed, rolling my eyes. "Go get your damn stuff then, I'll meet you in the kitchen."

Nero took barely five minutes to get ready, meeting me as agreed in the kitchen with his backpack slung over a shoulder and a baseball cap clutched in his hands.

A scowl remained on my face, and I knew it was unfair to be taking out my frustrations on Nero who was doing nothing but trying to help. My issues remained with Alpha Harris.

"Come on then," I sighed, defeated, leading the way out of the main house and towards our usual hiking path. Nero followed along silently, no doubt sensing my need for silence right now. He was being awfully understanding of my terrible mood, even if I hadn't said a word to him since my return from Nevada. And while I didn't say it, I was grateful that he had forced his way into joining me today.

"What's happening with you and Alpha Harris?" Nero finally prompted when we were in the thick of the forest, too far from the main house to run into anyone but patrol. "I thought the time alone would help, at least you'd be forced to talk to one another, clearly not."

"Nothing is happening."

"And that's why he couldn't get away from you quick enough when you returned? What about your morning training with him that you're obviously going to miss, out here with me?"

"I don't know what's wrong with him, okay?" I snapped, glaring into the distance in front of us. "The whole trip back was worse than before; he could barely look at me."

"You really have no idea what's wrong?"

"No," I lied. I didn't know for sure but I sure as hell had an idea.

It took us over an hour trekking through the woodland before we began our ascent up a rocky cliff face. Being able to bask in the glory of the woods and the rich earth, alongside Nero, while lost in my thoughts helped me to unwind and eased the tension that had wound itself through every inch of my body in the past twenty-four hours.

"I'm sorry about snapping at you earlier, as you can tell I'm feeling a little... well I don't even know how to describe it to be honest," I apologised, quietly as we settled for a short break only a short way into our climb.

"You know you can talk to me about these things right?" Nero nudged me with his knee, stood beside me as I sat crouched on the floor. "I know I've given myself a reputation as a gossip, but we're friends, I don't tell anyone what we talk about on these hikes."

I turned, squinting up at him against the glare of the sun as I shot him a wry smile.

"I know. I trust you." But it didn't make it any less difficult to talk about such personal issues, especially ones that I didn't fully understand myself. "It's just... that's not why I'm here. I didn't want things to be so complicated. I didn't come here for another strained relationship with my Alpha," I explained, and then in a much quieter voice added, "I didn't come here for another male."

"Why did you come here?" Nero sat down close beside me, his shoulder pressed to mine. He wasn't looking at me, which I was infinitely thankful for. I couldn't stand to be under his inquisitive gaze right now.

"I wanted to be happy." I wanted to be free from the restrictions of my previous life.

"And you can't be happy with Alpha Harris?" He broached, hesitantly, his words slow and quiet.

"It's not right, he's the Alpha," I uttered in a huff. How was I even in this situation again. Attracted to yet another Alpha Male, desiring his touch and hating myself for such a desire. I could admit it now; I wanted to him, if only in the most basic sense. Yet he wasn't even speaking to me, looking at me, acknowledging me, and I hated the dull ache in my chest knowing he was avoiding me. "I don't even know why we're talking about this. He's the Alpha, I'm just a packmate, and I'm an unmated female. I don't have the luxury of a relationship with another wolf."

And that was the real issue here. I wasn't a 'widowed' wolf, I didn't have the opportunity to share a secondary bond, or even just a casual relationship with another. Regardless of whether Jack had been had lost his mate, of whether Thane had lost his mate, I had not.

"You know Colorado isn't like the other packs. Alpha Harris isn't like the other Alpha's. It's not the same."

"Isn't it?"

"Do you wanna know what I think?" Nero asked, not waiting for a response before he was speaking again. "I think you're afraid. And if you want to give into that fear then go right ahead. The question is whether or not you'll regret it."

"Come on," I sighed, standing to my feet and slinging my backpack back onto my shoulders. "Let's keep going."

***

Another two hours in and we had finally decided to stop, taking the time to admire the view from our height. This was by far the highest we had climbed admits our hikes in the last two weeks, something we snuck in at least once a week as a way to hang out - just the two of us.

"I wish I could stay here forever." Nero was looking out at the land spread out before us, the impressive territory that belonged to the Colorado pack. He hadn't brought his camera with him today, and his hands fiddled with a loose strap on his backpack with its absence. "I want to join this pack, I don't want to go back."

"That's not how things are done. People come here to escape the life of mates."

"Is that what you think?" Nero challenged, fixing me with a raised brow. He shook his head, explaining, "They come here because they feel unwelcome in their pack, because the memory of their old lives can be too difficult. They don't come here to wallow in loneliness but to start anew with the support of other's experiencing the same pain as them. It's not about escaping mated couples but allowing themselves to heal away from a pack structure centred on the concept that mates are central to our way of life."

I stayed silent, unsure what to say. For someone who looked so young, who was so young, Nero was awfully intelligent

"I don't want to stay in Arizona once I find my mate."

"You can transfer to your mates pack." Nero was nineteen which means he likely would have already found his mate had she been a part of his pack – unless she was still yet to shift, but an age difference that large was uncommon.

"I doubt things would be much better there either. Not a lot of packs are as accommodating as this one. When I find my mate, I doubt he and I would be as welcome as other wolf pairings."

He, not she. I realised my internal blunder almost immediately. I had automatically assumed Nero was straight, and now I was rightfully annoyed at myself for the mistake.

"I never got to meet Sam, Adriel's mate," Nero continued, unaware of my thoughts. "My mum said Sam was the strongest wolf she ever met. Not physically, but mentally. Adriel's always been so tall, so strong, but he hated the looks they received from those bastard wolves that had nothing better to do than make sly comments and judge. He let their words get to him, let them hurt him, and Sam never hesitated to put the wolves in their place. My mum said it was such a sight, this 5'6" male wolf snarling at pack warriors as if he was invincible. He would do anything for my uncle.

"But this pack, they're so welcoming, so accepting. I don't want to have to leave. I don't think I'm ever going to find a pack like this again."

"Not all packs are like that," I assured, my voice too soft. Even I didn't believe my own words. Sure, there were packs who as a group accepted all, but there would always be individuals amongst them that soured the rest. It had my stomach turning.

A pack was meant to love and support one another. To think of the abuse Adriel and his mate had suffered at the hands of his family sickened me.

"Sandra told me, that before she immigrated to America, when she still lived with her family in China, no one knew that she was bisexual. That is until she met her mate and her family disowned her. The European and Asian packs were suffering in numbers, both natural wolves and our kind were being hunted, their territory reduced, and it was harder for the packs to remain undiscovered. They had already lost so many, and yet still they cast her out because of her sexuality. It was sixty years ago, I know, but I also know that some wolves, the older ones, still hold onto those same beliefs.

"I just... I don't want to leave." Nero was crying. He was silent as his eyes filled with tears, his body still as he continued to stare out at the scenery below us. I didn't know what to say to comfort him, I didn't think there was anything I could say.

I wrapped an arm around his shoulders, pulling him tighter to my side. Nero's head titled to lean against me, his cheek pressed against my shoulder, and we sat there in silence.

His tears stopped almost immediately but neither of us moved from our position for a while, content to just be in each other company after such a heavy conversation. I had started this hike in a foul mood over issues that seemed so miniscule in comparison.

The temperature was beginning to drop now, the sun hidden behind dark clouds. The wind shifted and suddenly Nero was stiffening, sat straight and alert.

"We're being watched," he rasped, words nothing but a harsh whisper.

"What?" Immediately I was scanning the area, my body tensing. Nero was frozen beside me, staring straight ahead into some bushes.

"I can smell it, it's watching us."

"What is?" I stressed, straining to see something, other than the bushes and sparse trees surrounding us. My heart was already hammering in my chest over Nero's vague warnings. What the hell was watching us? Were we in danger?

"You have your knife on you right?"

Already my hands were clasping around the handle, pulling the blade from my bag. I had never used it in real combat before, only in training by myself. The sun glinted against the silver metal as I shifted it between my palms, bringing the knife to rest down by my thigh.

Nero and I were still on our asses, waiting, watching, trying to see what the hell was stalking us.

"Shit!" he cursed all too suddenly, quickly moving to his feet. "Get up, get up!"

"What is it?" I hissed, eyes growing wide in panic. Nero's face had drained of all colour, the boy now as pale as his Swedish uncle.

"Fuck."

I saw it then, could smell it as easy as I could smell Nero standing beside me, a female mountain lion stalking towards us out of the corner of my eyes. Its fur blended with the dry grass and boulders as it stayed low to the ground. Slowly, it moved forward, a hunter after it's prey.

Mountain lions were vicious predators, in the wild it would take a pack of wolves to take one down. And while Nero and I were not ordinary wolves, we were only two; a young wolf in training and a wolf who couldn't shift.

The lion paused, and I was too afraid to turn towards it and face the beast head on. From the corner of my eye I could see it was tensing, preparing to pounce as it stood no more than twenty feet from us. My fingers clenched tightly around the handle of my knife, the blood in my veins pumping hard and fast as I struggled to keep my breathing under control.

Just as the animal pounced, Nero shifted from beside me, leaping in front to protect me from the lions sweeping claws. Nero's slender grey wolf was quick, blocking the lions path towards me as he barrelled into the predator. The lions growl rumbled loud, and within seconds it had it's teeth sunk into Nero's shoulder.

Nero's answering howl was gut wrenching as he tried to buck out from the females deadly grasp. But the mountain lion held strong with his teeth sunk deep into Nero's flesh, its claws ripping at his skin as it tried to adjust it's grip.

Nero was only a young wolf, barely trained in combat; this was an adult female who'd had years of practice hunting its prey. The lion was going for his throat and it wouldn't long before it would win out against Nero.

With my heart in my throat I didn't think as I launched myself towards the struggle, my knife clutched so tightly in my right hand that my fingers were becoming numb. I used my entire body weight to try and force the lion off of Nero, the sharp blade of my knife slashing through it's thigh.

The lion hissed but still did not release it's grip on Nero, it's teeth now sinking dangerously close to his throat. Nero's claws were slashing wildly, catching the lion's soft underbelly and I managed to plunge my knife into its abdomen until finally she released him from her vicious bite.

Only now she had set her sights on a new prey.

The lion wasted no time in pouncing, it's sharp retractable claws slashing into my skin deep despite my attempts to dodge the attack. She had me in her grasp, paws wrapped around me with her claws dug deep into my back. I could do nothing but slash and cut at it's sides and back, fighting out of her hold as she too ripped at my body, teeth sinking into my flesh with ease, until finally my knife found it's mark and thrust into the beasts neck.

After struggling against the blade, its cries of pain sharp and brutal, the lion finally stilled and all tension seeped from my bones.

My body burned all over, I could feel the blood seeping out of the wounds from the lion's claws. Everything was so numb and yet burned so painfully. I couldn't move, my body rendered frozen on the slab of rock as every inch of my skin burned. The lion was flung from my body.

Nero was howling beside me, calling out to the pack for help. I hoped they would come; there was no way Nero would be able to carry me all the way back alone. We had to be at least two hours from the main house if travelling on foot.

Human hands pressed against my flesh. I hissed, tears blurring my vision.

"They're coming Emily, you're going to be okay," he was whispering over and over, his voice hoarse in my ear. More faintly I could hear the stream of curses that he cried.

"I'm fine," I assured, the breaking of my voice taking any validity of my statement away.

"Oh yeah," Nero stated sarcastically, "Bleeding all over but absolutely fine. Shut the fuck up, Emily."

"That's no way to talk to someone who saved your life," I joked through the beginnings of a sob. There was an adrenaline pumping through me, keeping me awake and aware, but the pain was excruciating. Through his own tears, Nero sent me a fierce glare.

"You're not funny," he chastised before stiffening beside me.

I don't know how long I was laid there for with Nero's hands pressing tightly onto my wounds. His own wounds were no doubt already beginning to heal, while I knew mine wouldn't for hours. My vision was blurred and I knew I was drifting in and out of consciousness from the pain and shock.

I was blinking drearily up at the panicked young boy above me when Nero's head shot up towards a line of trees. "They're here, I can smell Sandra and some of the pack."

"What the hell happened?" I could faintly hear Sandra shouting as she climbed to the top of the platform we were stationed at. I struggled to look towards her, catching the wide-eyed stare she flung at the mountain lions' lifeless body beside us, my knife still plunged into its neck.

"Where's Alpha Harris?" Nero was quick to speak up. Sandra's answering stare was stony.

"He was out with the patrol on the other side of the territory when we heard your call," she snapped, jaw set tight at the sight of me at Nero's lap. Sandra dropped to a crouch beside me, assessing the claw marks that decorated my limbs. "Can you stand?"

"I can't even feel my legs," I winced, trying my best to move. My voice was weak even to my own ears.

"Shit, okay. Taron, Zahra, we're going to need to carry her," she called out behind her.

The two wolves were approaching us per Sandra's command, when I heard the strong familiar growl rumble through the trees. There was no doubt in my mind that it was Harris. The others stiffened and paused, and I knew they heard it too. Sandra was quick to her feet, mouth agape as seconds later, the towering Alpha male was storming into our path, a snarl twisting his mouth. He took one look at me and in an instant, he was on his knees by my side.

I couldn't remove my eyes from his furious form. His mouth was moving, and I knew he was speaking but all I could hear was a ringing in my ears that grew louder by the second. Tense arms wrapped around me and my body was lifted into the air. I knew I should have felt immense pain, but there was only a cool numbness spread throughout my entire body as the shock of the event took full effect, and I began to feel far too drowsy to stay awake.