"I am homesick for a place I am not sure even exists. One where my heart is full. My body loved. And my soul understood."

Melissa Cox

The next morning training between Alpha Harris and I had been tense. We had spoken barely a single word to each other and instead of sparring, we stuck to the training ground warming up with endless pullups, push-ups and sit-ups as if we were competing with each other before I released my frustrations on a large punch bag that Harris held firm. His gaze had been hot against my skin, but I never met his eyes.

Coward.

By the end of the first hour my arms were numb and I could barely lift my water bottle to my lips. I prayed that he wouldn't seek me out again that evening for more 'training'.

After eating breakfast alone on the back porch that faced a clean thick line of trees, suggesting others had been felled to create such an unnatural clearing in the immediate vicinity of the pack house grounds, I escaped to my room to change into appropriate hiking gear. I had to get out of the house, away from the surrounding area where I could feel his gaze on me.

I couldn't stop thinking about that moment, that ridiculous, irresponsible moment in the pool.

Alpha Thane Harris. Thane.

I had never thought about the Alpha's first name before. It honestly hadn't even occurred to me that his name was anything but Harris. Which was absurd. Of course he had a first name.

No Alpha was ever referred to by their first name.

Thane.

"What's on today's schedule?" Nero breathed, suddenly beside me as I stepped off of the porch, breaking me from my musings. He slung a reaching arm to rest across my shoulders, a beaming grin spread so big that his dimples made an appearance.

"I'm going hiking." I glanced down at him with narrowed eyes, watching as he brushed a hand through his curls to bring the hair away from his face. He was dressed in thick soled trainers, exercise shorts and a vest with a backpack on his back. A twin to my outfit.

Nero chuckled as I ducked out from under his arm and shifted away from him.

"Brilliant." He matched my quickening steps into the trees, nudging my hip with his. "I love hiking."

"Did I miss the part where we'd made plans together today?"

"Yeesh, someone's woken up wrong this morning. It wouldn't have anything to do with why Alpha Harris was biting the head off every wolf who looked at him this morning does it?"

I wanted to punch the stupid smirk of Nero's face.

"And why would that have anything to do with me?" I grumbled.

"Oy, Nero," A deep voice bellowed across the field. The younger wolf beside me tensed and when I looked towards the cause I found a burly, mountain of a man baring his teeth towards us in what I was sure meant to be a smile but came across more like a disgruntled ape looking to pick a fight. "That your girlfriend you got there."

Two other males stood beside him and laughed.

"Assholes," Nero muttered under his breath, scowling at the group of wolves. When he saw them start to walk over to us he through his head back, glared at the sky and groaned, "Why gods, why must we deal with these dickheads?"

I barely smothered my laughter and by the time the large wolf reached us, the leer on his face was enough to leave my skin crawling. I'd come across many arrogant wolves like this before, the ones who swaggered around the territory like they were some big shit.

"What's a pretty wolf like you doing with a scrawny pup like this?"

Disgusting. I'd never met these wolves before, and they sure didn't smell like Colorado; which meant they were trainees from Alaska, Nevada, Wyoming, Montana or Arizona.

"How about you cut that shit out and leave us alone?" I suggested sharply.

"Yeah, come on Daniel, fuck off," Nero snapped.

"Oh yeah? You gonna make me pup?" Daniel stepped up into Nero's face.

Nothing but a big ugly ape.

Daniel's eyes slid next to me, all that aggression and challenge still present. It was like he was a pubescent pup shifting for the first time, riddled with teen angst and aggression. Real wolves were loyal to the pack and showed each other respect. Whatever pack he'd come from were clearly slacking on their discipline and not enforcing the right values in their wolves.

"Unfortunately I'm not allowed to play with others just yet." My fingers were itching at my sides. I wanted nothing more than to tackle this idiot to the damn ground and make him bleed.

"Afraid of getting hurt?" He taunted, the two goons behind him snickered. I could almost mistake them for pups and not the adult males they were.

"Well after all," I shrugged straightening my back to stand tall and imposing. I tilted my head slightly, plastering a cruel smirk to my face like I had seen Sandra do so many times when she was intimidating a wolf out of line. "I am just an itty bitt female wolf."

A ridiculous statement considering I was taller than him.

He was far more muscular, but that didn't amount to anything. If he was arrogant and untrained his large size only meant he'd fall harder. I hoped he recognised the emotion in my disgusted expression for what it was, a promise. That wolf didn't know what was coming to him.

Not waiting around for a response I walked off, body relaxed and amusement playing on my face. I could hear his jeers behind me but paid no mind to them, especially not as Nero followed after me, throwing them a vulgar gesture over his shoulder.

"That's it?" Nero huffed tension still coiled in his slim frame, his steps stiff.

"What?" I cast him a sideways glance. He looked irritated.

"That's all you're going to say to 'em?"

"What I said was true," I drawled, a devious smirk curling my lips. "My probationary isn't up yet. But when it is, and I can spar with them, I'm going to put them in their place so damn hard they won't ever look at me like that again.

"I've had people underestimate me all my life Nero. I've never been able to do anything about it, and now finally, here in Colorado, I have the chance to prove them all wrong."

I just hoped the Alpha finally granted me the freedom to train like a real wolf, to interact with the pack in ways that were crucial to find hierarchy and place amongst the other wolves.

___

We'd been exploring the territory for hours, hiked up rough terrain and came to a rest on some flat rocks about a quarter of the way up a fairly small mountain.

My shirt was off, stuffed into my dark green backpack, my flushed skin slick with sweat as I admired the scenic view. Though the air was far cooler up here, evidence of frost appearing above us that led into the snowy caps of the mountain, the forest floor was lush with green growth. The main pack house and training grounds weren't visible from where we were, but there were some small isolated cabins on the cusp of the large pack territory that I knew were used for wolves who patrolled the borders.

Beside me I heard Nero rifling through his own bag until he pulled out a large camera - the kind I hadn't seen before that seemed very professional - assembling a huge lens onto it.

"You take photo's?" I asked, somewhat baffled. The last time I'd seen someone with a camera it was my mother's old one that still printed its own photo's. It'd stopped working a decade ago. The only photos I had, had been taken on other peoples smartphones and printed in Jack's office.

"Uh yeah, just in my free time," Nero chuckled, the laugh sounding uneasy to my ears. He was still fiddling with the camera and wouldn't look up at me. "I like to go for walks by myself, just trees and lakes and shit, ya know?"

"Do you take any of people?"

"Ah..." He was blushing, the rosy hue adorable against his pale skin. He was clearly embarrassed, of what I couldn't understand.

"That's a yes," I laughed. "Are they on here? Can I have a look?" I nodded to the camera, holding my hand out.

He handed it over, showing me what buttons to press to admire his photos. I was swiping through the more recent nature photographs, until I saw some of Sandra and Lorcan teaching, of Adriel sleeping in the lounge, photos of the main pack - including wolves I had yet to meet - crowded in the kitchen eating. Then one photo appeared that had me pausing.

It was of me. I was talking to Sandra on the field, sweaty and in disarray from a training session. I recognised the day as the first time Sandra had seen me train, the first time I had sparred in Colorado. What made me pause wasn't me or Sandra, but who Sandra was looking at, behind me by several feet.

Alpha Harris was staring right at me, with a look in his eyes that terrified me.

"Yeah, that... that's an intense one." Nero was behind me, peering over my shoulder at what had caught my attention.

I hummed in agreement, unable to tear my eyes away from the camera's small screen.

"Do you wanna talk about whatever's obviously happened between you and Harris to have put him in such a bad mood and you scrambling as far away from the pack house as possible?"

"Not particularity."

"That bad huh." He scratched his head, squinting at me. A thick silence settled between us and just like Nero, who remained quiet, I had no idea what to say.

"Can I ask why you're here?" The younger boy finally spoke up after I had carefully handed him his camera back. He had snapped a few more photographs of our mountain view, and I suspected one of me as I turned away from him, before dismantling the camera and putting it safely back in his bag.

"What do you mean?" I pulled my water bottle from my bag, fiddling with the cap as I avoided Nero's heavy stare. It was strange how someone so unimposing had me so uncomfortable. Nero may be a nineteen year old wolf that was shorter than me and had barely any muscle or fat to his body, but his eyes were a rich honey brown too intense for his soft face. When he lost the humour in his expression and singled me out with such a gaze I prayed I never became privy to his thoughts.

"Well, you're unmated. Adriel's told me countless times before that Harris doesn't allow unmated wolves officially into the pack. There's no point when the training programs exist and the wolves will soon find their mates and want to settle into a family and leave for a more normal pack."

It was hard to fit in with normal when you were anything but.

"I'm 23 and unmated, without a wolf. I'm not holding out any hope of a mate." It was hard to miss the distaste from my tone. But I was bitter; bitter about having to answer the same questions again and again, first from my family and now from Nero.

He was still looking at me, saying nothing.

"Is there more?" I asked, my gut suddenly feeling so heavy.

"It's not my place to ask." He moved from where he stood a foot away, sitting down on the rock beside me. Legs splayed slightly, his knees knocked against mine. I offered him my water bottle.

"Ask anyway."

Taking the bottle with a grateful smile, one missing his dimples and that warming light he usually had, he asked in a hush, "Have you been with anyone before?"

I had welcomed the question and yet still I was rendered surprised. I couldn't think of what could have prompted it. We were good friends, had become close in the short time I had been here, but that was such a personal question.

Sex, that level of intimacy, was treasured in the packs. The wolves were vicious, fiercely loyal and protective creatures. They didn't allow themselves to be vulnerable for just anyone, but when they did, when they found their mates, they didn't dream of straying.

Sure pups had childhood crushes, they'd share a secretive kiss here and there. But even they knew not to step too far.

But I was different, without a mate. To expect me to live in celibacy would be unreasonable.

"Only once." I couldn't look at Nero, disgusted by the shame my confession incited, despite knowing I had done no wrong.

"With who?"

"Jack - ah, Alpha Athan," I corrected myself. I kept my eyes ahead of me, at the forest landscape, not wanting to face Nero's judgement. "It only happened once. No one else knows."

"They didn't scent you on each other?"

"It was when we were travelling back from visiting Nevada. The trip didn't go well, I wasn't thinking clearly. Thankfully by the time we'd returned to pack territory it had been too long to scent anything." The fact that it happened in some desolate human motel only made the situation seem dirtier. It had been two years after Amy, his mate's, death, and I was a twenty-two year old wolf still without a mate. Neither of us had planned for it to happen, it was moment of weakness.

"You regret it?"

"Yes and no. It was- well it was great, but I - I regret the strain it placed on us. I've never been able to commit to him - not in the way he wanted me to - and it only made it that much harder."

"You're in love with him though." Not a question. A statement.

"I-" I wanted to refute it, to deny such feelings, but I couldn't. I didn't know how Nero was so perceptive, I didn't know what it was in my voice or expression that had given it away.

Because I was in love with Jack, with my Alpha; and I had been for some time now.

"Let's head back."

___

"There's a pretty attractive female that's been eyeing me up lately, shame I can't touch the trainees," Sandra mused, rolling a stress ball between her hands as she lounged across my bed. Beside her, Nero laid on his side with his head propped on his hand.

"How come?" I mumbled from my place on the floor studying my map of White River National Forest, in which we were located, and planning what areas of the pack territory I would be exploring next. I was barely listening to what the female was saying. I hadn't invited the two wolves into my room, but they had barged their way in anyway, showing no signs of leaving.

"They're gonna find their mate. It'd be wrong of me. It's the same reason why I'd never dream of making a move on you." That made me pause.

My eyes found Nero's and we shared a silent look. I'd had more than enough discussion about my non-existent mate for one day.

"I think it's certain I'm never gonna' find my mate, not that... well... I'm flattered but not interested either way."

This had Sandra sitting up in intrigue. She eyed me a second before asking, "What makes you think you're not going to find your mate?"

"It'd already have happened by now. Besides, it's rare, almost impossible, a human has a mate."

"You're not human," she contested, eyes narrowing.

"I'm not a wolf either."

"What are you doing?" Sandra asked instead with a huff, gesturing to my maps and rolling her eyes as if she simply couldn't believe what I was saying. I was just glad we were moving away from the topic. Eternally thankful Sandra wasn't in the prying mood.

"Did you know White River is the most visited national park?" I asked a little too brightly, my smile slightly forced. Sandra didn't say anything, though I knew my blasé attitude was horribly weak.

"Yup," she huffed. "A real pain in my ass too. The amount of times we have to be cautious of shifting when we got humans poking around the territory. Not to mention how many of them think we're a cult."

This had me dragging my eyes away from the map, perking up a little.

"You get human's here?"

"You didn't in Idaho?"

"Not really," I shrugged, "We - they - are located deep in the fourth biggest national park in the US. We get the occasional hiker in the outer regions of the territory but rarely anyone stumbles upon the inner pack lines."

"How many national parks facts do you know?" Sandra asked incredulously.

"I like studying the maps for the states the packs are in," I answered blushing. I would never be able to cover the same amount of land in the same time as a regular wolf; that was just a fact. So I found it more useful to study the layout of the pack territories through topographical maps - examining the various heights of the lands, and memorising the natural landmarks such as rivers and lakes.

"Nerd," Nero coughed behind his hand.

"Shut up, Camera Boy," I huffed, shooting him a weak glare.

"Yeah Camera Boy," Sandra stuck her tongue out at the young wolf as if she wasn't the oldest one in the room by what I guessed were many, many years. Then she was suddenly sat up with a gasp, staring at me wide eyed as if she'd been shocked with electricity. "Did you try the underwear on I bought for you?"

"Uh, no." I frowned. "I'm sure it fits." The underwear she bought me, that I'd refused to try on in store, was a pair of black sheer boy shorts with a bralette to match. Sandra had tried her hardest to get me to choose something a little more colourful but I really hadn't liked the almost neon options she was presenting me with. I was honestly quite surprised that she'd ended up buying me what I presumed was the tamest option, far tamer than some of the other stock available in the store.

"Try it on now!" Sandra encouraged.

"That's my queue to leave." Nero was on his feet almost immediately, his curls bouncing loosely with the movement.

I frowned at him. "Don't leave on my account, I'm not bothered. It's not like you haven't all seen me in near underwear before anyway." And I had seen them both countless times after a shift before they had the chance to dress.

"I'm not exactly interested in an underwear fashion show," he laughed, edging towards the door.

"I find that hard to believe," Sandra scoffed. "You've got to be the nosiest wolf I've ever met."

"Home décor? Yes. Extracts from your diary entries? Also yes. Fashion? Hell no. Besides, Lorcan has us running laps in-" He checked his watch, "ten minutes. And I don't want to be made to do more if I'm late."

"Go on then, get out of here," she shooed, also shooting to her feet as she stalked over to my wardrobe where I had regrettably put the underwear in plain view.

"Do we have to do this?" I groaned from the floor, not even bothering to get up. Sandra was quick to turn and pin me with a sharp look.

"Look, you don't actually have to try the underwear on for me if you're uncomfortable, okay? I was just curious if it fit you properly. So whether I'm here to see it or not you're trying it on."

I sighed, holding my hand out towards her as I rolled my eyes.

"No I'm just being lazy, and possibly a bit embarrassed at the thought of wearing something so delicate. I honestly don't mind anyone seeing me in my underwear, and I get that nudity is normal for most wolves."

"Excellent," Sandra beamed, already throwing the shopping bag that I hadn't even bothered to unpack towards me. "You try them on and I'll go get the mirror from my room so you can see what it looks like."

Seconds later I had shed my clothes, donned the new pants and was struggling to shut the clasp of the bra. The material was soft against my skin, an unexpected bonus, but was damn near impossible to fasten. All of my sports bras had slipped easily over my head, no clasps to deal with.