Chapter 179

I Loved Yesterday

I turned to see the pile of gifts on her nightstand -

a bouquet of flowers and several vases,

two stuffed panda bears, a get well card,

a box of her favourite Lotte milk chocolates,

the YUI CD, an assortment of colours.

All the things she dearly loved.

They would all wait there for her to wake up.

Just like how all of us would stand by her bedside until that day.

Yes Aoi, we are all behind you. It's not just me.

You can do it. Wake up, Aoi.

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I Loved Yesterday

"You're still here?"

Airu gave me a gentle smile. "Mm."

"I'll be fine. Don't worry about me."

"Baka, who said I was worried about you?"

I grinned. "It's written all over your face."

She opened her eyes in mock surprise.

"Ehhh? Hontou? Doko doko?"

She looked all around as if searching for a mirror.

I didn't reply and looked at Aoi who was sleeping quietly again. Sleeping beauty. I smiled to myself.

I turned back to Airu. "Thanks for hanging out with us. I'm sure Aoi would be happy."

She shook her head. "It's nothing."

*~Hontou? - Really?

*~Doko? - Where?

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"Too bad we couldn't eat your cake."

She grinned. "Well it would've been kinda awkward." She puffed out her cheeks like a child. "You could…you know, try the cake now maybe?"

Indeed I was hungry. The cake was an ornate assortment of pinks and yellows, and accents of fruit. It certainly looked edible. It might not have been the case if I was the one to bake it.

Too bad Aoi couldn't see it. She would've loved to try this.

I glanced back up at her. "And somehow it's not awkward to have you watch me eat it?"

She laughed. "So I'll take that as an invitation for me to join you?"

"Hah! You wish!" I said but motioned for her to sit down at the table.

And of course, she gladly obliged.

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I Loved Yesterday

We spent the rest of the early evening digging into the cake, finishing it amidst small talk. Half the time I would glance over at Aoi as if to include her in our conversation. I had to made sure I wouldn't forget her.

She was telling me about how her friends went to the Disney Resort without her, because she told them she had a birthday party. Then she explained that it was actually because she never liked to hang out with them because they were too materialistic.

Meanwhile, I was watching the sun set through the window.

Night had fallen.

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I Loved Yesterday

"I'm going to head home now." She told me.

"Alright." I added, "Do you need me to walk with you to the station?"

She shook her head. "Nah it's alright." She gave me a wink. "Aoi needs you here."

I smiled and waved a good-bye.

"Ja ne."

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It was me and Aoi-chan now.

Our own little world.

It was awfully quiet without anyone but us. The lights were off so I soaked in the darkness.

I could see her sleeping face though, it was shining radiant beneath the moonlight.

Instead of turning on the lights, I threw open the curtains and let the soft moonlight through, casting silvery misty wisps through the room. The world was suddenly a hushed paint palette of monochrome.

This was Aoi's world.

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I Loved Yesterday

I lifted her arms with little effort and reached around to the small of her back, turning her onto her side. I would do this everyday when I was here, every few hours.

I brushed her bangs away from her face and smiled. She looked so beautiful sleeping under the moonlight.

I sat there for a few moments like this, on the edge of her bed, her body against me. I would've sat there for eternity if I could, but a thought crossed my mind.

It was the presents I was looking at. I let my fingers glide past the soft texture of the stuffed panda, the velvet of the flower petals, nearly knocked over the get well card, before falling upon what I was looking for. The smooth texture of the plastic wrap of the CD.

I Loved Yesterday. I read the title again. It is oddly and blatantly true of my situation right now. If I could only relive my time with Aoi again.

"I Loved Yesterday ka?"

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I Loved Yesterday

The CD player popped open with a quiet click. I pressed the play button, and spun the volume dial. Even in the darkness, I could make out the "01" track number on the player.

In the stillness of the night, the music drifted up to our ears, just enough to mix into the background, without intruding on our peace.

The twanging distortion of the Fender Stratocaster. The solid snare beats. And YUI-san's sweet voice.

Are you listening Aoi?

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I Loved Yesterday

The music carried me off into the distance.

Each song's lyrics resounded in my heart.

Each word was enough to fill the listener with all the emotions that ever existed.

There would be an intense nostalgia, a thousand memories rushing back.

A million scenes flashing through your head.

The sea, the beach, the mountains, the woods, the fields, the city.

At another instance, there would be a childlike hopefulness and a wish for the end of the tunnel.

Then, I felt my dreams coming back, the dreams I had once abandoned a long time ago.

Dreams that I thought were impossible. Suddenly I relive my passion again.

Out of the blue, there was suddenly pain and sadness, the ragged hole in my heart aching for someone to fill it.

But then again, there was also the pure feeling of joy. And I felt Aoi's love, even while she was asleep.

Most importantly, I could see Aoi in my mind.

Here in song, I could see her once again. I could hear her once again. I could touch her once again.

This was the magic of music. Music transcends all human language, it was the communication between our souls.

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I Loved Yesterday

And then she was speaking to me.

I saw her eyes and her long lashes. Through the long grass in the field she smiled. She remained silent but I could already understand a thousand words.

She was so close yet so far away.

I could feel the breeze and the sun on our backs. Aoi...

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I Loved Yesterday

"If only I could see you

Before tomorrow's sunrise.

I feel the distance with you.

We keep on suffering,

Our only comfort is our fleeting past..."

-A note to YUI fans, please excuse the inaccuracies! Songs and lyric translations are inaccurate, and are modified solely for the purpose of this novel.

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I Loved Yesterday

The song changed.

"Back then we always pretended to meet,

At the field after school with nowhere to go,

We watched the sunset together..."

"You showed me the way home.

As the song we first heard

was playing along the street

I become all nostalgic."

"You said 'As the seasons change

We can't remain as we are for long right?'

Just like a couple, our long shadows lined up

Next to each other as we waited for the bus.

It seemed like forever."

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I Loved Yesterday

~Flashback~

The sun was a golden hue slowly turning into the orange of a raw egg yoke. I felt Aoi's body pressed up against mine as we lay there side by side like spoons on the evening grass.

The sun lazily dipped below the horizon, ever so slowly. I remembered her soft voice telling me how gorgeous the scenery was.

Funny now that I thought about it that at the moment I hadn't really paid close attention to the scenery. The rustling of the leaves in the tree. The sonatas of the evening crickets. The cool dampness of grass bed on our backs. The happy warmth of the sunset.

At that moment I had only given my full attention to Aoi and her gentle embrace. I knew every inch of her body like my own. I had been trying to remember everything about her but ironically the memory of her was growing fuzzy, as desperately as I try to recall it now.

All I remember clearly was the scenery. All I know is how different was the Aoi I held close to the Aoi sleeping silently next to me in this hospital.

~

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I Loved Yesterday

In stark contrast, the sunset violently dissolved back into the dark night, the steady beeping of Aoi's pulse rate monitor thumped into my head, like a hammer on a nail.

Reluctantly, I pulled myself together. I would've given anything to stay under the warmth of the sunset, and feeling her breathing next to me.

But reality was just as relentless as the lyrics of the next song hit me. Hard.

"My shaking breath quivers.

Even the sky seems confused.

I've got no "quiet place."

My voice fades, my heart quails,

My wailing voice echoes across the fields--"

Her voice was trembling. Like the time of the accident. She was so scared. I was so scared. We were so scared.

"I know, I know,

I'm fighting a hard battle,

I know, I know,

My tiny body shivers all over--"

Her body was once again limp in my arms, her breath leaving her, weak and helpless.

"Don't cry for me please.

I'm just a cute little girl.

You'll be dragged into it all,

Defenseless, Helpless

I have no home...

so I'll hide in the twilight--"

She's asleep now. Nothing can wake her up right now.

"I'll escape this dark night,

And I'll find the sun.

My life lies right in front of me.

I'll find my dreams, before I sleep...

My love, My dreams...

I'll find them---"

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I Loved Yesterday

There was an abrupt silence as the CD player came to a halt. My finger was on the stop button, trembling slightly. That was about all I could bear.

I exhaled as if someone had just touched an old wound.

After a long while, like I was catching my breath, I let my finger press the next button.

What are your next words going to be, Aoi?

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I Loved Yesterday

"Nothing’s going right

Yet you ask how I am

...

You borrow a little umbrella

To hide under

...

I can’t stand to keep seeing you like this

...With you

...

Even if you’re soaking wet, smile

Because I’ll always be by your side

You always said that

To encourage me

Be stronger

Don’t give up

There’s no need to change your destination

I believe, don’t forget

...With you

...

Even if you’re soaking wet, smile

Because I’ll always be by your side

You’ve had your heart set on it, haven’t you?

You’ve stuck it out this far, haven’t you?

I’ve been watching you all this time

So don’t run away"

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I Loved Yesterday

I gently ran my fingers along her cheek. As if I was wiping away her tears. My tears.

There will be no more tears. Because I will smile for her.

There was a sparkle of silver as I took it out of my pocket.

A small delicate amulet dangled from its silver chain.

"Happy birthday Aoi-chan.."

I slowly lifted her neck and reached around to fasten the necklace. I stepped back to look at it. Now a silver bleeding heart rested between her collar bone.

These are the tears I cried for you, Aoi, and these are the last tears I will cry. It will be our memories together.

When you wake up, you can smile because you've stopped my tears.

-Note: The delicate Japanese bleeding heart is a type of flower.

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I Loved Yesterday

Then I placed a kiss on her forehead.

I love you, Aoi.

I hesitated before leaning over to give her a kiss on the lips.

Her lips were warm and soft, but deathly still.

I pulled away and sat next to her bedside watching her breathe. Her chest rhythmically rising and falling.

Was she at peace? What was she dreaming of? Was I there in her dreams to keep her company? To fight off the nightmares?

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I Loved Yesterday

I heard a quiet sound at the door.

"Oops."

It was Airu.

She looked extremely embarassed and blushed a hue of beet red.

"Sorry."

For a moment I was speechless.

Then I nearly burst out in laughter, a sudden release of all the tension and sadness in my body. Maybe it was the colour her cheeks were or maybe it was because I was embarassed too.

Either way it felt good. Better than shedding tears. Aoi was right.

"Even if you're soaking wet, smile. Because I'll always be by your side."

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I Loved Yesterday

The night air was cool and refreshing. The smell of the hospital was gone now. Everything was still illuminated in a pale grey though.

The sound of our footsteps were barely audible in the hush of the deep night.

"You came back to ask me to walk you to the station?" I asked hysterically. "How long have you been waiting?"

She looked at her toes. "I heard the first song you played from the CD..."

I looked at her dumbfounded. "So you saw everything."

She raised her palms up in the air in mock surrender. "No! I didn't look!"

"Why didn't you say something earlier?"

She paused. "I didn't want to interrupt..."

"Oh."

There was silence.

"Don't hate me.." She gave me her puppy eyes. I remembered every time we had an argument, Aoi would look at me that same way, rendering me completely senseless. I would melt under that look. And suddenly nothing mattered anymore, and any argument would just dissolve. All you wanted to do was to give her a hug.

"I don't." I said. "You're forgiven." I joked.

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We walked in silence for a while.

The twinkling lights in the neighbourhood slowly one by one were snuffed out, like candles.

But yet, this was not a depressing thought. As people turned off their lights, the night would gently embrace everyone with peace.

Hush. The night was our lullaby.

I glanced at my handphone. It was 12 already. I hadn't realized I had spent so much time in the hospital.

"It's really late isn't it?" I asked no one in particular.

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I Loved Yesterday

"Can I.. say something?"

I arched an eyebrow at her. "Permission granted."

She fiddled with her fingers.

"I was wondering..." She paused momentarily. "What does Aoi-chan think right now?"

I remained silent, puzzled. "What?"

"You're always there by her side. But she wants to say something doesn't she?"

"What?" I said again. This was remarkably familiar to the lyrics I've listened to earlier.

"What I'm saying is, if I were her," She went on, speaking faster and more confident now. "I would want to say, become stronger. Without me, you can still be strong by yourself and fight on."

The words of the song echoed through my head vaguely. "Even if you're soaking wet, smile, because I'll always be by your side..." "Be stronger, don't give up..." "There's no need to change your destination, I believe..." "You've had your heart set on it, haven't you? You've stuck it out this far, haven't you?"

I didn't say anything. I couldn't say anything. Because she was right.

What I knew I was trying to do was to stay depressed, and pitiful. I was drowning in my own self-pity and sorrow. And I was pitying Aoi's condition. But what would Aoi want me to do right now? The exact opposite. She always was strong. Stronger than me perhaps.

I decided not to cry for her anymore and look ahead. But my life had become aimless. My destination was something I forgot about a long time ago.

Where am I going?