Ɓen lead a small regiment of Snoke's army into the village of Jakku. It was a small village, but they had been aiding the king and queen in the war. Snoke's orders were to burn the village to the ground and leave no survivors...not even the women and children. Ben didn't think he could do it... kill innocent, unarmed women and children. Already in the neighboring village Snoke's men had slaughtered elderly, unarmed men who had surrendered willingly, the women and the children. The memory that haunted him more than anything was the girl who had hid her little sister in a well and died trying to keep Snoke's troops from finding her.

He knew that he would be severely punished for his disobedience, but it was a line that he couldn't cross. Killing armed men in battle was war, killing unarmed women and children was nothing short of murder in his eyes. The image of the girl falling lifeless to the ground reappeared in his mind. One of Snoke's men had killed her before he could stop them. He couldn't let that happen again.

During the heat of battle, he had gotten separated from the rest of the army. A very dangerous and vulnerable place to be during a siege.

A man who looked around the same age as his parents approached him. "This isn't who you are, it's not too late..." he said.

Ben hung his head, knowing that the man was right... this wasn't who he was. But he was wrong about one thing... it was too late. "I don't have a choice... Snoke he..."

"He brought you into this, didn't he?"

Ben nodded.

"I used to fight for Snoke too. I know what you're going through, but it's not too late. Let me help you. I escaped and I can help you do the same," the man said.

Ben considered his words, perhaps he could help him get out. But there were also many risks he would have to weigh. His parents...Snoke had said that he would kill them if he didn't serve him. Ben wondered if this man could help him protect his parents from Snoke.

Just then someone came up behind him, and he felt a sharp sudden pain in his side. Ben turned quickly to face his attacker. As he turned he felt a searing pain as a wide wound was cut down his face.

Reacting on instinct, he stabbed the man who had attacked him. But he turned to find that two more men were moving towards him, with their weapons drawn. He moved his sword in a wide arc, slaying them both in one stroke. He moved to stab the last man, realizing too late that it was the man who had tried to help him.

Ben removed his blood-stained sword. Tears filled his eyes and he knelt next to the man. He felt a sudden weight in his heart for what he had done and even though he didn't know the man... he felt grief. He hadn't meant to hurt him.

"I forgive you," the man whispered in a weak voice.

Ben allowed a tear to slip from his eye and it stung the open wound on his cheek.

He heard a loud cry of pain and he turned to see a girl with tears streaking her cheeks. He felt as if his heart was being ripped from his chest at the sight of her. She bore a great resemblance to the man next to him and he realized that she was his daughter. She had just witnessed her father be killed, he knew that something that traumatic would follow her as long as she lived. He couldn't hold it back any longer, tears poured from his eyes as pain and guilt washed over him. The pain in his spirit was so great now that he could barely feel the sting of his open wounds any longer. For the wounds that had reached his heart were now ablaze, burning like fire.

He wanted to do something...anything to make up for what he had just done. Maybe he could take the girl back to her mother. He wanted to apologize at least, but before he had the chance, a large group of villagers moved to attack him. He fought them off. Then he turned to look back, where the man lay unmoving, a lifeless form in the dirt. He saw the girl weeping over her father's soulless body. Tears spilt from his eyes again. He could never be forgiven for what he had done... he couldn't forgive himself. He knew that this moment would haunt him for the rest of his life...just as it would haunt her for the rest of her life.

If only he could undo what he had just done, but he couldn't. He wished that he could give his life in exchange for the girl's father. But it wasn't in his power to do so.

He was lost and he always would be. Tears continued to pour from his eyes, he was a monster.

꧁❀꧂

Ben sat up suddenly, gasping for air. His face was wet with tears and sweat. The nightmare that had haunted him for the past twelve years had repeated itself. It was more of a memory than a nightmare.

He looked down and was surprised to find Rey knelt next to him, holding his hand.

"Rey?" he asked, puzzled.

She opened her eyes and looked up at him.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"I'm praying for you," she whispered.

"You're praying for me... but...?" he began.

"I'm sorry I was hateful towards you. I shouldn't have hated you... it was wrong. I should have prayed for you from the beginning," she said. "I should have forgiven you years ago."

"Years ago?" he asked, confused.

"Don't worry about it, Ben, it's in the past and I've forgiven you for it," she said, not wanting to tell him the truth about what had happened to her father. She knew the pain that the truth would cause him, and she didn't want him to bear the burden of knowing that he killed her father. She was surprised as she felt a weight lift from her heart as she finally let go of the hatred she'd been holding there. She felt true joy for the first time since her father died. For the first time in over a decade, she felt free.

What did she mean? What had she forgiven him for? He tried to think back...what had he done?

"I'm sorry if I woke you," she said softly. Then she began to move her hand from his, but she felt his hand clasp hers and squeeze it gently. She looked into his eyes and saw the tears in them. She looked down at his hand as she felt it trembling hers. She gently stroked the top of his hand with her thumb, trying to comfort him as he had comforted her. "Did you have another nightmare?" she asked in a gentle voice.

He looked at her puzzled. "How do you know that I have nightmares?"

She looked down, embarrassed. "I've heard you screaming in the middle of the night," she said concerned.

He nodded. "Sorry if I've been keeping you awake. It's... it's a nightmare that's haunted me for years."

"Tell me," she whispered as she reached up and gently wiping his tears away.

"I..." he began, but he couldn't express himself.

"It will keep coming back until you tell someone. You can tell me...I'm your wife... and I'm here to listen." She smiled slightly as she repeated the words he'd spoken to her on their wedding night.

Despite himself, the faintest smile touched his lips as she smiled at him for the first time. But it quickly faded as he couldn't seem to forget the nightmare. "It's a memory... a memory that I can never forget. It's the memory that made me believe that I was truly lost...that I was a monster."

"You asked me earlier if I believed that a man could change. I couldn't answer you then, but I can now. Anyone can change. No one is too evil for God to forgive... to redeem," she whispered.

"You might not say that if you knew what I have done," he answered, his gaze dropping from hers in shame.

"I do," she said, softly.

"You do?" he asked.

She nodded but didn't want to tell him how much she truly did know. That she had seen it with her own eyes. She knew that he couldn't bear the truth, and seeing him with his dark tear-filled eyes, she couldn't bear to tell him. "Tell me your nightmare, please."

He took a deep breath. "I was leading an attack on a small village. And... there was this man. He tried to help me, to tell me that it wasn't too late. But just as I was about to give in and let the man help me, I was attacked from behind. That's how I got this scar." He touched his cheek. "I was surrounded, and I started swinging my sword to defend myself. But I accidentally..." his voice broke and tears began to pour out of his eyes. "... I accidentally stabbed the man who was trying to help me."

Tears poured down Rey's cheeks as she squeezed his hand. "It wasn't your fault, Ben," she whispered, trying to keep her voice from breaking. "You were only trying to defend yourself." As she thought back to that day she had realized that it was true. He hadn't meant to kill her father, it had been an accident. She just needed someone to blame for it.

"I know, but I still blame myself for it. And that wasn't even the worst part... I looked over and saw a girl crying. I'm sure that she was the man's daughter. It was bad enough that I killed one of the only people who tried to help me when I was a boy. But I know that his daughter saw it happen, I can't imagine the pain that it caused her. Before I left I looked back to see her weeping over him. That's the image that has haunted me ever since. It scared me far deeper than any wound I've ever received. I know that she could never forgive me for that, and I would never expect her to."

He looked at Rey to see that her face was red and wet with tears. "I think that she would forgive you," she whispered, trying to hide the truth and spare him from the pain that it was sure to bring. She thought that he had forgotten, that he didn't care. But he remembered and it had hurt him more than she knew. She didn't want to hurt him anymore.

Realization dawned on him as he saw the tears in her eyes. He began to weep fiercely. "It was you..." he muttered, between shaky breaths. "...wasn't it?"

She didn't answer, she didn't want to make him feel any guiltier than he already felt.

But he already knew the answer. He knelt on the floor and leaned his head on the couch as he wept. He'd killed his own wife's father...his father-in-law. He couldn't forgive himself for that.

She felt a stab in her chest, she couldn't bear to see him this way. The last time she had seen anyone in this much pain, it was herself just after her father had drawn his last breath. She knew how it felt to cry like that and she didn't want him to feel that way. She wanted to take the pain away from him. She wanted to comfort him and be there for him as no one had been for her.

She'd already forgiven him, but seeing him cry like this she couldn't help but feel compassion for him. She reached over and rubbed his back comfortingly. Timidly she wrapped her arms around him. She could feel him trembling as he wept, and she was surprised that she actually felt sympathy for him.

He inhaled as he felt her put her arms around him. "No... don't...." he muttered, pulling away from her slightly. "You're supposed to hate me."

She rubbed his back again. "No...I'm supposed to forgive you," she said softly.

He sat up and looked at her through his tear-filled eyes. His face was red and wet from crying. "Why?"

She looked at him in a way she never had. Full of compassion so strong that not even the smallest trace of hate remained. For the first time, she saw him as what he truly was, not as a monster but a boy who was lost and alone. "Because that's what God wants me to do. Because my father's last words were: 'promise me that you will forgive him, Rey,'" she spoke to him gently.

He shook his head. "God wouldn't want you to forgive me."

"You know that's not true, Ben," she lifted her hand towards his face, wanting to wipe his tears away.

He pulled away from her slightly, feeling unworthy of her touch, unworthy of her kindness. And unworthy of God's forgiveness. "God can't forgive me, Rey." He was quite for moment as tears began to slide down his cheeks. "I...I killed my wife's father. I don't deserve to be forgiven."

She gently placed her hand on his cheek, and he didn't pull away this time. She gently wiped his tears away as she spoke what was in her heart. "There is nothing that you can do that God won't forgive you for... if you would just accept his forgiveness. Jesus died so that you could be forgiven."

"I'm not worth dying for." She felt his tears land on her hand.

"You are to him," she answered gently. She wiped away the freshly fallen tears with her thumb.

"But I don't deserve it," he said.

"No one does. Forgiveness and love are gifts, Ben, they can't be earned. All you have to do is accept the gifts that God has already given you."

He nodded, sincerely. "I want to...but I don't know how."

"I'll help you," she whispered.

He looked at her for a moment. "Thank you," he whispered, looking into her eyes. "I'm so sorry Rey. I'm sorry for everything, but I can't ask you to forgive me."

She hugged him. "I forgive you, Ben. You don't have to ask, I already have."

He pulled her close and gently rested his head on her shoulder.

"Can you pray with me?" he asked, after a moment.

She nodded, then she took his hand and knelt in front of the couch next to him.