What The Eyes Can See

4

Comment on Prologue, Chapter 1, 2 and 3 of the Soul Thief

@heyennbee

Mystery

OK. Murder vibes with an interesting 'see into the future' plot. Hoping this doesn't go off the rails into time travel territory but I'm intrigued.

The blurb is really well written to the point where it kinda gave me whiplash. It's good. It's really good and I'm here for it. Only a few changes I'd make to a few wording issues e.g. 'happening' to 'talked about' just to modernise it up a bit.

Only thing I have issue with is that Anaila is barely in this blurb and she feels like the MC? The main focus seems to be on the person who died rather than her and that could be where the disconnect is for some readers.

The first half is spot on. The second half needs a bit more fine tuning. You give us your MC's name and immediately switch back to talking about the victim Ryan. If Anaila is the MC then keep the focus on her. Her situation, her abilities should come first. Her relationship with the victim is important but let us find that out gradually by reading.

The last few paragraphs kinda drag on a bit and I'm not sure the line 'the shadows caged inside her threaten to break free' fits? It reads like it's a teenage fantasy rather than a mystery thriller so workshop that final line a bit more.

You mentioned in your summary about 'Anaila's future demise' but there's no sense of that in the blurb. If it's the plot's main focus then yeah, pretty important to use as a last hook where your MC might die meddling with her powers? If it's important to the story, use it. If not, don't.

I love the cover. It's really clean and clever and paints Anaila as the face of this book and I'm really loving it. Not much more to say, really other than I'd like one designed that well myself. ^^

Very clear character voice. I'm not normally someone who likes first person stories but I'm really enjoying the tone of someone looking into people's minds expecting adventure and being disappointed.

The first quarter of the chapter is really well written and diverts attention very quickly. The tone is set right from the get go and right up until the line 'such fumbles were bound to happen from time to time' I was hooked.

But then you added more. More scenes, more insights into other people's lives when all we needed was one. One example of her ability and she could be on her way.

It went from a woman succeeding to a man and his partner to leaving what I think was a generous tip for the waitress but that never got confirmed and then a weighty paragraph about innocence after casually mentioning death and suicide visions? And Amara? Who's Amara?

That's barely the end of the chapter. After all of that we meet who I'm assuming is Ryan but by the time we get to him I'm like who? What? Why is he trying to break in? What's eSights? Is he blind? Did you really brush over the fact he's blind in the last paragraph? That's really interesting but why is she so relaxed after he attempted to break into his house? Why is this super important scene at the end, damnit? It's a lot. Can you tell it's a lot?

Remember how the chapter started with someone looking into people's minds expecting adventure and being disappointed. That's a killer hook and a great start to a character. Use it and use it consistently until the murder. It would simplify things a lot more.

There are some really great descriptions here. The entire scene of the man setting notes under his coffee cup and spilling the coffee over them was really great and not only made me empathise with him but the main character's reaction to such a mundane thing. I think the line 'he wasn't capable of jumping a ticket line at a train station' is probably my favourite.

But with all of the time spent on descriptions it kinda turns into an inner monologue about other people and it's incredibly hard to picture where your character is in this scene. Is she waiting in line and watching this happen? Is she a customer or cashier finishing taking his order? Where is she? Why is she there? What does she look like other than shades and hates her description? We don't even get her name and get someone else's instead. I know her name is in the blurb once and a nickname at the end but that's it.

Once we get a brief interaction with the waitress and tip her a lot more questions come into play. Does her power work alongside having a conversation or does she stare off into space til it ends? Does the power work on herself or does the shades negate it somehow? It's a lot of questions that don't all need answered but when you have a character in a scene you need to use those details to hint at some kind of structure to her day and in turn, the chapter.

Initially I was a bit confused as to the pacing issues but once I got to the next mind read I saw why. You pack a lot into this chapter. Far too much. I've mentioned below on how to possibly fix it but the pacing starts off good and then it gets wonky the moment it becomes more first person and about the main character's inner thoughts.

Her reactions to situations are how we learn about her as a character but once she has nothing to react to it falls flat. She seems genuinely funny and relatable but the moment her visions turn dark so does she and it's not a fun read when she thinks about all the events she's seen but not one iota of how she feels about it.

It starts to either drag to the point where I just want to get to the end or it quickly updates us over some much needed info like it isn't a big deal and moves on. I don't need to know what car she drives. I do need to know her name.

Not to mention the necessary scene with her in her Ford thinking about some partner who is so muddled up in the mind reader selection of customers that…I don't really care? Y'know who I do care about? Coffee Guy. Coffee Guy was great.

He was great because he wasn't rushed over and had some small, human moments. Fancy lady was successful. Partner person had a partner. Waitress was a waitress. The difference between them and Coffee Guy is we spent time with him. Albeit, he dropped his coffee everywhere but we had set up an expectation only for it to fail gloriously and most of all, memorably. That's all you need. For it to be memorable.

The rest is just unnecessary padding. I don't need to know about how successful someone will be or how someone is struggling with smoking or addiction. That's all subtext and telling us a bunch of stuff while it is kinda glossed over in the grand scheme of things. I know her power differs but there's a lot of minds which means there's a lot of scenarios to cover. Pick one or two, do something with it and move on.

You attempted a second one with the waitress by tipping her and getting a reaction and the response that she'll 'do more' next time but by the time we react to it she's out the door and thinking about consequences and innocence and…can we see that? Can we see what happens when she meddles with the future and it goes wrong? Can we have a scenario where she helps out the waitress and gets fired for taking 'extra tips' or she has a gambling addiction or something?

Anything other than a trip to her car and driving thoughts. Please.

This kind of ties into what I've said before. Pick one thing and stick to it. The best mysteries build up and give us what we want within a chapter or two. Unless this guy dies at the end of chapter two then what is the point of saying he goes missing? What is the point of seeing how her powers work if nothing comes from it? Cuz right now only the Coffee Guy scene is keeping me reading.

For me, that Coffee Guy scene might be better off as a short intro all on its own or even spend the entire chapter showing us how her power works and what kind of person she is and how she chooses to help or not help people and why? Set up the stakes: pro's and con's for her ability. Don't explain it, show it to me.

How far can she see into the future? If she can only see far away events how does that change when she refuses to look at someone/help someone? Does she have a choice in what she sees? How does she decide when something ends badly? Cuz right now I'm getting very little personality or emotion from someone with such an invasive power as mind reading.

Wow, that's a lot of dialogue. Also, this guy is kinda…an arsehole. The main character is kind of an arsehole for reacting so badly to his sister. Overall, it's two arseholes getting high. Great. Oh. And a vague ending.

Yeah, I have no idea what's going on with all this dialogue. It's kind of abrasive going from her POV with her mind reading to 'let's barge into her house and get high.' We have no setup for what kind of person she is and although this chapter kind of endears us to Ryan and his relationship with our MC it doesn't endear us to the MC herself. This is a problem. Especially if she's about to be convicted for murder.

People watching. Huh. So that's what she was doing. That would've been nice to know earlier. We never know why though. Apart from that ambiguous as hell ending we get a very limited description which makes it hard to gauge what kind of people they both are. They smoke, get high and drink a lot. MC gets jealous and has that weird ass vision. That's it.

Ryan gets high, talks about his sister and could've chosen any other house to chill in. Honestly, the vibes Anaila gives off initially makes him read like an annoyance, like he shouldn't be there. So why is he? You could've had Coffee Guy or anyone else from the 'people watching scene' but suddenly the description makes him sound like a friend. So why and which is he? Cuz with all the dialogue I have no idea why I should stick with this friendship.

The guy does have flaws. It's interesting. But also, from how the last chapter ended it's quite a jump. Ryan has a difficult family situation and is partially blind but spends his days trying to break into MC's house which she is annoyed about at first and then suddenly isn't?

Why? Why the sudden change? Why this guy over everyone else? The only bit of emotion we get is jealousy from the MC about not knowing he has…another sister? I get she's allowed to have flaws but it's awkward as hell after knowing him for two years and not only does it go nowhere but a lot of the description is spent on how Ryan thinks she's 'faking' her mind reader thing? Like, this just proves my point.

Why is she friends with him? Why is he friends with her? The whole 'faking' and hiding her ability through drugs has been done before and really rubs me the wrong way with the whole 'faking an illness' similarities. If she's had this power for two whole years and hasn't tried to get him to believe her and this is what their relationship amounts to then…what the hell has she been doing for two years? Nothing, apparently. There's nothing worse than a mystery that leads to nothing.

From what I can gather this chapter's purpose is to endear us to Ryan before he dies. He's OK. He's not the most likeable character, kinda bland and kind of a dick to the MC. But it feels like it comes at the detriment of Anaila which is not OK. She says not to call him Annie but he does so anyways, twice. He lounges on her couch and suddenly that's OK. He even waited for her to finish work to sneak in. All the creeper red flags in the damn world that's not OK!

He knew when she finished work, whines that she doesn't spend an extra ten minutes with him high and she just takes it and goes 'can I blame him?' YES. Absolutely you can. But no, she gets high, gets drunk and gets jealous cuz of course she likes him but won't say anything but apparently his sister is a threat to her? No. It's uncomfortable as hell.

The only interesting thing is how her reflection caused her vision at the end but I wouldn't have known she normally covered herself if it wasn't for the throwaway line/book cover. It was really unclear what caused it though because I initially thought it was looking into the reflection in Ryan's glass eye which ultimately sounds cooler but does that also mean she's a vampire cuz no reflection would be incredibly inconvenient. Shades don't entirely block that.

Also, the glass eye means she can't read his mind? Is that really the entire reason she's hanging out with him cuz that first paragraph ain't chill. It's possessive. Not to mention the whole casual mention of him barging into her house while high as she deals with stuff enough to want to slit her throat! No. No casual suicide mention. Nu uh. No way. Not OK. Either it's there, it's important and it's given the time spent or it's not. One paragraph is not enough for that.

Right now, I don't like Ryan. I'm not sure how to feel about the MC either since she's been with this jerk for two years. The only reason I'm reading on is to find out about this vision. I'm disappointed there's no murder mystery yet. Also, has Anaila never come across a mirror until now? Cuz I have, with shades on and it's never blocked my reflection before.

The vision was…unnecessarily long and weird. Why couldn't it be a normal vision like the rest of the coffee people. Also, does this mean she's been avoiding her reflection…forever? Cuz as I mentioned earlier that makes no sense. She'll still see herself with clothes on so I don't get why this is suddenly game changing. Is it because she saw her eyes in the mirror? If so, that's just her eyes not what her entire body reflection looks like.

Its OK. All it was was the vision. Very standard reaction. Kinda eh. Wanted more. More conversation with Ryan, less unnecessary spooky fog. It's her dead, we get it. There should be a far bigger impact than just her ignoring it.

Make it a big deal by explaining less. Right now, there's a lot of flowery language that takes up a lot of the chapter when she's seeing her own death. The punch should be the simplicity of the reaction not 'lithe' and 'curtain of hair.' It's Anaila. Dead. That's all you need.

Because of the mind reader mechanics and how they work with the strange way reflections apparently happen it's really jarring because if she hasn't seen what she looks like then no one else has and mirrors and water exists and makes reflections.

It's just too specific and really jarring in the grand scheme of people watching if she has to worry about seeing her reflection everywhere. We saw it with the car and weirdly the fridge handle too but not, I dunno a window or a mirror or heck, the frame of her shades or a glass eye? Just change the reason to being seeing her own eyes in her reflection and not her entire reflection.

Other than the really drawn out vision the resolution with her going to bed is far too quick. It feels like we're about to have something to happen and then it gets cut quick. It's missing a big, emotional moment and going from crying to hugs to bed just makes it feel like something is missing.

The line: 'impending doom' is a bit cheesy too. If she's terrified about dying then why would she sleep? Why not talk to him or stay up longer other than the 'I'm fine' crap.

Even if Ryan doesn't believe her or suggests a hospital or something at least we get something that shows what kind of person he is and actually gets some character interaction and development with his reaction. Something. Anything to move this plot forward.

Oh look. Ryan cares. Good for him. He still blames the drugs. Which he bought. If this is a murder mystery about him then why isn't he dead yet and why, hasn't her powers seen him dead yet? His murder is the catalyst for all of this, right? Where is it? Why isn't it moving?

Anaila's vision is far more traumatic than it should be. There's no screaming, no grabbing at her eyes or covering herself to get away from anyone seeing her. She just gets hugs, cries, ignores the problem and goes to bed. It feels like she's ruining her own story with her having answers to everything instead of reaching out for help or actively doing something about her situation.

There's no drunken chat, no spilling secrets, she's barely traumatised, her reaction is all explained away and it's bland. We need her to talk about it otherwise nothing changes, nothing progresses and it's the same thing over and over again. We're three chapters in. Conflict has got to happen.

Not really much of a clear plot here. Mind reader people watches with no reason as to why, gets high thanks to her only friend who is a bit of a jerk until she sees her own death. Don't promise a murder mystery without a murder or a mystery damnit.

Pacing is way too slow. Honestly, the murder should've happened ages ago. It's a mystery, right? We're here for the mystery, not the mundane work day thoughts of a creepy death vision that Anaila stupidly didn't skip work for.

Murder the guy, damnit. Make me care and then murder the guy cuz right now neither of these people have any redeeming qualities other than 'I have a sister.'

Her work sounds interesting but we never see it in action because of this trauma which is rightfully scary but why is she even working if it's clearly affecting her work? Instead she walks around monologuing and woe is me without the very item that's supposed to help and give stability to her powers all without her shades? Why? Why do that to herself?

If you have anxiety for example, you wouldn't just forget the only item would help you freak out less but not only does she not bring it her choices are really stupid. Apparently, she runs a team in a company but instead of doing her job she reads her colleagues' minds, colleagues she apparently doesn't care about and finds it boring? If she finds it boring how are we supposed to feel? What's even the point of all this?

Surely someone else has death in their future and why would she do it again after seeing her own? That would be more traumatic but no, Amara's random advice is more important and doesn't make sense because not once has Anaila chosen NOT to use her powers.