The Lioness Who Roared

Prologue and Chapter 1

Prologue and Chapter 1 of The Soul Thief

Doesn't really hit me with the crime/mystery/thriller vibe. Just feels like a young adult fantasy shapeshifter fic but other than feeling like it's in the wrong genre it doesn't really hit me what this book is about. What's with the lioness thing? Is it her name? Is it her nickname? Is it an over the top metaphor used to describe her? No clue but no matter what I do I can't help but think it's a lioness shapeshifter book even though it isn't advertised as one.

Crime Fiction (Mystery/Thriller)

OK. I've never really done a mystery/thriller review before but I like whodunnit plots so...here goes nothing.

Oblivious Mary Sue on holiday turns into metaphors about 'lions protecting their den' and...nothing about the plot? The antagonist? Her family? Yeah, I have no idea and the fantasy lion shapeshifter vibes are now cataclysmic.

The blurbs focus is on an actual ambush/kidnapping but the entire vibe is positive and 'wow what a great opportunity' instead of 'holy crap imma die!' I get she might be capable and 'a lioness' but this is a crime fiction. There needs to be...I dunno, a crime? There needs to be stakes involved. No stakes, no reason to keep reading. Give us a reason to read other than 'holiday gone wrong but imma badass so I'm good.' It doesn't sound exciting.

*happy sparkles for a mystery thriller*

If the point of the book is on an actual ambush/kidnapping but the entire vibe is positive and bright happy gold and yellow colours instead of bleak and mysterious and murdery vibes. Either your book is in the wrong genre or you need to think about your target readers looking for that mystery/thriller genre.

Think of something simple like Sherlock: smoke and mirrors, dark colour palettes with props and cursive writing. It might not be the same as your book but you need to get a cover that fits the genre. You need to get yourself a cover designer who creates more stylised and manipulated covers.

There are plenty on Twattpad and it'll help with reads instead of a cover that looks more like a childhood poster instead of a book you'd want to pick up and read. If you need any advice on where to find a cover artist, feel free to ask but even using the search bar should help you find some even if they are closed. Some even do favours so shop around. Please. People are fickle here and no one wants a cover that doesn't match your story.

Well, you start off with a typo. 'Taken by my own hands.' Not 'by own hands.' Also, who talks like that? Can't he just say 'imma kill this kid' without all the Shakespearean drama of 'you don't need to know' and 'curved malicious smile.' Honestly. All he needs is a monocle and a cat.

If you're going the satire route where you're making fun of this type of story it works well in a disgustingly over the top creepy sorta way but if you're genuinely serious with these villains then...nope. I'm already sick right now and the way these guys are written is not helping.

'It's personal' ain't a reason. It's a reason to have your main character be some sort of prize to be won and I ain't a fan of that. Your prologue needs a purpose and right now it's incredibly short purpose is to introduce two mustache twirling villains fawning over killing a girl they only see as a piece of meat. Not OK.

Gavino *eurgh* and 'what's his face' is a plot device. Either cut it or find a way to give them a purpose other than 'mr mysterious 'Gavino who drinks wine with a creepo smile' and the creepy ass betrayer stalker who does not have a name for mysterious purposes.' It ain't a good look for your book and it ain't a good book for your villains.

Yeah...I had a feeling this was gonna be a theme. Your main character is only as strong as it's villains and...oh boy. This chick and her family reads like she can do no wrong and it's kinda...flat.

First off, does she have a name? Francesca? Cuz we get four paragraphs of her backstory and what she did before we get introduced to her. Four. I counted. That's a lot.

I don't need to know how she's: got the mind of a lioness, the heart of a woman (duh, she is one), her heart is her weakness but her mind was wild too but too wild and vigorous...is this an advertisement? Honestly.

It reads like you're selling me a feminine product and this is only the first paragraph. I'll get into the rest later but...yeah, that's way too much of an info dump. I think I need a minute to process...or maybe several hours.

Just...you have a usable opening with her looking out the window with a cuppa in her hands. It's not a perfect intro but at least it's better than the trivia buzz words we get to begin with. Let us learn who Francesca is about through her interactions with people, not 'here is her entire life in 2 minutes.' A story is a marathon, not a sprint.

It's...a lot going on. Your main problem is that you're using the descriptions to info dump about the characters instead of using it to progress the plot. It takes ages to get anywhere in the story because you're too busy adding in bits like 'Luigi dropping out of school and attempting suicide.'

That is a VERY sudden revelation and it's treated like 'oh, he just tried to take his own life a few times but oooh look at this breeze against his hair...pretty.' We don't need to know his entire story right away or his dad's. Characters make a plot after all.

Also, speaking of descriptions it's very over the top...and I hate it. I hate it more than having to read four paragraphs of Francesca being the COO of some company somewhere. Yes, you wrote COO. It's CEO.

I now think Francesca is a pigeon and honestly, it makes this entire thing a lot more bearable than some pretty girl who's 'sapphire blue eyes behold the stature of the city.' Yeesh. It's the words you use like: 'summa cum laude,' 'sweet heart- melting smile,' 'death refused to take him', 'wealth compared to a king' it's all sickeningly sweet and with the added bonus of info dumps it's just...too much.

Dialogue is used for character stuff, description for plot related stuff. Show us their emotions through description. Tell us their backstory through dialogue. You'd probably know it as 'show don't tell' but it's easy to miss when you are trying to do so much at once.

Slow down for the character driven moments. Speed up for the plot driven moments. Sometimes, they interact and you need to choose which is more important.

For example, you could easily start the plot at the destination with the characters experiencing things together. Go through the holiday and maybe they do things Francesca or Luigi does or doesn't like. Tension between the two rises because hey, families aren't perfect.

You need to create a plot where you can have the pacing be a little faster while being aware of dialogue moments you can slow down in. Heck, maybe Luigi hates water. There. Character moment. You can slow down the pacing to focus on his distress or use it as a plot to create conflict.

Maybe Francesca has had too much fun or is annoyed he's with his fiance more than her so she teases him a bit, does something out of character for her. Another character moment. Suddenly, she pushes him into the pool without thinking and he panics.

She thinks she's done something funny, something her brother likes but it's the opposite and the pacing slows down to highlight that moment. That emotion is the crux of everything: characters, plot and pacing. So it needs time to grow.

Shoving everything from character motivations to who they are and what they've been doing up to now creates a giant mess that is very hard to follow. Characters need time to breathe and work with the plot.

Everything is connected so you need to slow down to let us get to know them and then use the plot to get them to open up and let us find out more. The plot isn't a background for dialogue and description. It's the reason for it.

Once again, the info dumps detract from any kind of character introduction. We get paragraphs on Francesca's mom during her dad's introduction and all of it is about how she died and how he was too late to save her. All of this could be used to further the plot through character motivation.

You could use dialogue to explain later on why college was so hard for Luigi and bond with Francesca over something she might not have known during his suicidal attempts. It's a difficult subject to talk about so gradually get him to open up about it with her instead of 'omg love you so much' straightaway.

It would help endear us towards the characters and how they deal with things differently than each other. Instead, it's used to resolve his character in the space of two minutes and we feel nothing for him cuz his arc is over in a single paragraph.

Apparently he's good now and is 'the top of his field.' Great. Why am I reading if his character is resolved in the space of two minutes? I wanna find out about him later on instead of being forced to read an entire biography about stuff that may or may not matter.

Right now, the plot is just a background piece to all these characters' backstories. It's kinda like getting a cake for your birthday and finding out it's licorice before you eat it. It's there but you don't want to get through it all cuz you know there's more and more and you dunno how much more you can get through before being ill.

In this case, it's character introduction, paragraphs, character introduction, paragraphs and no one cares about the actual characters but Francesca's mom Tiffany gets three whole paragraphs.

She isn't even a character in the story and we learn in the first chapter that: they were in Priene cuz she always wanted to go there but she died from a mysterious illness that her husband didn't take her to the doctors to sort out so grief is a bitch to the point where he became a jerk and Luigi blamed himself, went to college and tried to off himself but death couldn't take him? This is an entire plot in a single chapter.

What on earth? How am I supposed to take all that information in? It explains everything and nothing and just keeps going til the dad goes 'let's go' and I'm just sitting here like: 'did we gloss over a suicide plot like it didn't matter or am I just brain dead from all these fancy Italian sounding people just casually talking about death?'

It's probably the main reason why your characters are so flat and emotionless because the mom is the motivation for everything and we learn more about Tiffany (of course she's called Tiffany) in this one spheal that we do about Francesca, Luigi and Albert in one chapter. Yes, I forgot the dad was called Albert.

Francesca knows everything and everyone loves her while her brother loves his fiance? With no trace of that other than Francesca whining about it and a tirade of 'I'm a family girl cuz this paragraph says so.' Also, does the fiance have a name or are they a blank face too amongst all the pretty people?

It's mind boggling cuz it reads like you're setting up the dead mom plot to be a twist or something and 'need to get all these details out before the dramatic Luigi or dad betrayal in chapter 2' and these characters are just...there.

Yes, the mom is important. But not at the expense of your entire plot and other characters. I've already explained the pacing and info dump problems but just cuz the mom isn't a physical character doesn't mean you just add her bit wherever fits.

You can use the description to have Francesca bring things that used to belong to her mom or see things that her mom loved. I lost my mom recently and a lot of the things I latch onto are memories more than how a person died or what another person did to cause it.

Maybe they do things or say things or remember things differently like: 'oh mom would've loved this.' 'No she wouldn't, she hated fish.' Even dialogue as simple as that would tell us a lot more than four paragraphs of 'lioness' imagery. Eek. I need more than an Irish coffee to get that out of my head.

I can understand why you are struggling to put this book into a genre when I have no idea what kind of plot you're supposed to be writing. Is it about grief or a coming of age story? Am I supposed to hate these characters? Is this supposed to be some dark comedy to look down on all the high class people or a women empowerment thing about how we're great and all men suck? Not true but I have no clue.

I can see some kernels of a mystery with that prologue thing but I'm struggling to get through more without being able to switch my brain off and ignore those overly flowery descriptions, excessive info dumps and cliche characters. Maybe research a bit more about using metaphors or creating a mystery plot cuz right now I'm not sure what you want this story to be.