Title: Sired by Divinity

1

Comments on Prologue of the Night Rider

No clue. The title sounds like some kind of pretentious nobility story which combines two simpler words to be more complicated than it actually is. The premise is good.

Just fix the title to something more memorable. Like...Ascension or something. Something to suggest whether it's more serious or humorous because the way you described it in the comments makes me think shenanigans not historical romance.

Historical Fantasy

Oooh. Time travel. Oooh. Actual consequences. Hoping for nothing too OP or self centred in the ways of plot or characters.

It sounds interesting. The godhood thing sounds like it might become funny or dangerous and gives me Road to El Dorado vibes but if you go the overpowered route I'm hoping it's not just hype mixed with vague historical events. It should work if it has lasting effects and consequences on the MC and the story as a whole but time travel is finicky so I hope it works out.

Far more complex than the book description. Kind of overdone with the explanations and the hook of being a god who is meant to die to bring good fortune is completely missing.

It reads like you need to tell us things more than once. It tells us what the main character will do, face and more without actually telling us and it's kind of frustrating as if you hid the book's premise. It's like: 'my main character is gonna go back into the past and learn stuff' and when we ask 'oh, what kind of stuff?' 'History stuff.'

'What kind of history stuff?' And we never learn because its lost history and the secret prophecy and the character needs to 'find things about himself that he didn't know was possible.' It's like listening to a kooky old man telling a tall tale without anything concrete to go off.

Why is this important? Why should I read and give me SOME kind of context as to what he'll learn or find or do even if it's 'oh, I have an evil twin' or 'oh, the prophecy says I'm gonna run a coffee shop.' Give me something other than mystical adjectives that lead absolutely nowhere and serve no purpose to get me to read.

It's not bad. It looks like you used Twattpad's cover app and pasted in an image or design from Google. It might not be the case but the layout is similar and the font adds nothing and is too small for your cover. The design is nice. It serves a purpose. That's about it.

You need to get yourself a cover designer. There are plenty on Twattpad and it's doing a disservice to your book. If you need any advice on where to find a cover artist, feel free to ask but even using the search bar should help you find some even if they are closed. Some even do favours so shop around. Please.

People are fickle here and no one wants something that looks like an image paste cover. They could even keep the design you used and turn it into something a bit more professional. It's up to you though.

Note: I decided to copy/paste this advice not out of laziness but because it's so common and I'm not writing the same thing over and over in every review. So there we go.

Caps locks at the start? No.

WHY IS ALL THE DIALOGUE IN CAPS LOCK? IT HURTS. NO. DON'T DO THIS. NOT EVERYONE IS SHOUTING AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS.

Ouch. Yeah, fixing the dialogue is the first priority. The chapter seems to be in third person but it switches from first to third when you get random tangents talking about 'his time' and worries about 'burning him alive.' There's all his thoughts randomly placed in chase scenes which should have been included as its own separate scenes instead of telling us and glossing it off.

Perhaps we could see the outcome of the plot behind these statements instead of just getting told hints and trying to remember it from there. You've probably heard of the phrase 'show don't tell' but to start developing your character and have your audience connect with your main character you need more than just vague lines that interrupt other scenes.

Your descriptions are kind of sparse one minute and are included randomly depending on the scene you are writing. For example, the first time we met the main character he jumped over a short fence and didn't miss a step.

Immediately I have to guess whether he's athletic or he's good at parkour or something but over half a chapter later and two fences it turns out this 'kid' is 6ft! How was I supposed to know or picture that when the chase scene is already over and he's...standing there?

Height doesn't equate climbing abilities. Trust me, my family are all above 6ft but they can't even climb over a gate without their height getting in the way. Give us descriptions of the chase happening and him struggling over the fences or getting lucky or fighting other people off to get through. Don't make it easy for him or the chase scene is more of a light stroll and it gets boring if there's no conflict.

I've mentioned when to include specific details like 'Emung' and show us how hungry he is instead of saying it. Maybe you could describe how thin he is or an entire scene of him begging for food and failing only for this chase scene to be his only option left.

Backstory is also in the same category since you included details about how nice the town was...while he was stealing food from them? Doesn't make sense. Instead of including the details halfway through maybe set it up like a heist movie.

Plan out his intentions, target and reasons for choosing them and maybe he could plan out his plan and escape which allows the reader to follow along with the important details. It would help with the random stopping and starting of your action scenes and establish both the characters motives and the setting you are in.

The contrast between the stalls and the compound descriptions makes me think 'the compound' is a jail and it sounds like the dumbest place for a thief to hide. Then he goes over a fence with no bother only for some randomer to grab him and he...removes his clothes?

Then he makes it over the fence with a bag that was only mentioned once despite having to climb over two fences and being grabbed and according to descriptions has enough time to eat food naked while people are chasing him? Yeah...no.

Omitting important details that helps us understand the flow of the chapter in favour of occasional worldbuilding that leads nowhere soon is causing things to get muddled structure wise. The focus on time is annoying because it feels like no time has actually passed because you tell us instead of showing us with the sun setting or rising or maybe it was pitch black. It's all the same mundane scene of escape with no rising tension or relief.

The biggest problem is the addition that this is a modern setting. I got no sense of that whatsoever until halfway through the chapter you mention ATM cards. There's no cars, no technology, just a few slapdash mentions of a car park, compound and tires.

You need to set this up from the beginning in contrast to the stalls because I genuinely thought it was a fantasy based world not real life and with the addition of the giant tree stump it's kinda jarring and boring with how long you spend on it.

There's no real difference between the two settings of what's modern or natural and even after the tree has been overly established you kept adding more details like slimy ground, tree stump, another fence, a character suddenly being 6ft, wearing tracksuit trousers.

I wouldn't recommend using measurements as it's hard to picture how big it is so maybe something like a van or a rhino would give us a better sense of size. These might seem like small details but they all add to the main picture of your world and the story you are trying to tell.

The pacing starts off too fast as the stuff is stolen to woe is me to lobbing over two fences no bother and ends up in a random market. In less than half a chapter we've gone to four different settings with very little connection to each other or the main character.

It initially reads like your main character is the one trying to catch the thief not that he is the thief. There's no sense of the item being stolen or him having something in his hands. There's no exchange of interaction and you jump to the reaction instead of the setup of anticipation. He succeeds with no consequences and no real idea of him actually stealing something. He just steals, eats and stares at a tree stump for ages to drag the pacing and allow the lackeys to catch up.

Your character's personality is literally a starving kid and it's just as forgettable as his name. Which I don't remember. Other than running or hiding he doesn't do much. He doesn't confront the antagonists, he doesn't outsmart them, he just questions a long damn time about time, food and a tree and that's it. There's no purpose to this opening other than getting us to point B.

The 6ft thing being an afterthought is really frustrating because it totally changes how the character moves and does things which contextualises the chapter in a different light. Especially after scaling two fences. Height doesn't equal climbing ability when it comes to fences.

One minute he's running for his life since he doesn't want to be burned alive and spends all that time escaping and says 'I know this entire area' but not this specific compound as a potential escape route? It's just a really dumb move on his part and could've been a genuine mistake if he hadn't bragged about knowing everywhere.

Also, if they are all starving and skinny there's no way they are lobbing burning tires over a guy who is 6ft or easily climbing over fences in an attempt to lift their own body weight. Adrenaline aside, have you ever starved before and tried to climb or even move something without food? Yeah.

A lot of plot is dedicated to the chase scene being mixed with what sounds like past events about it 'not being his time' and reminiscing about being burned in tires and it takes away from the tension and makes the chapter stop and start a lot.

If the area was always busy and trying to stop pickpockets then why does only one guy grab him instead of a whole mob?

Why remove his clothes so soon without exhausting every other option to get out of it and use his brain or dodge or fight or give some kind of reaction to being grabbed? It helps us see what kind of person he is when reacting to a crisis instead of immediately conquering it.

Having it be more than one person makes it a challenge and instead of saying it was lucky thanks to the busy market let us see his character and feel relief when he escapes using his brain. But his obsession over the stump is really weird. Just go through the portal already.

The ending is interesting but the caps are distracting and the fast pace from the chase scene to the loitering over a damn tree was like it was waiting for the antagonists to catch up (who we never learn about or see what they look like) not actually progressing the plot.

Overall it reads like you needed to come up with something to fit the ending rather than the entire chapter setting up the ending. Also, the use of images in the middle of a story kind of seems lazy to me and takes away the effort of crafting a story. I know what a tree stump looks like. I don't need a visual. It's a novel, not a comic.

After briefly scanning Chapter 2 with the intention of critiquing it I made the decision to not include it in my review or payment and instead add my thoughts here. The chapter completely undoes the setup of the first chapter and the sense of time, world building, character, pacing would just be me repeating the points I made above.

Reading it made me incredibly confused as you introduced naming conventions and entire concepts that weren't even given a single chapter to develop or get to know. All this name drops of clans and character names and chosens and betrothals went completely over my head as if you were telling an entirely different story.

Whether it's past or future events you mentioned: Ahan, Osen, Usop, Jiki, Koso, Izeh, Usobo, Ika, Habo Imora, Imusop are all names or naming conventions used in a single chapter. That's ten names to keep track of and remember and attempt to follow a plot that seemingly diverges from whatever you wrote previously.

I'd recommend sticking with the story you had to begin with or completely scrapping the opening and developing this new direction you included. It's not bad but it's a giant whiplash to what you had prior and if I critiqued it I would not enjoy doing so or even know where to begin. If you can find someone who would then you are more than welcome to but a single chapter is all I'm willing to critique at this time.