: Next of Queens

5 (not out of choice but necessity to find out how bad it got)

I have absolutely no idea. First thing I thought of was Next the clothes shop and maybe it was gonna be some kind of fashion type thing but then the Queen bit makes me think of the usual 'sibling rivalry' wants the monarchy or else type trope so..utterly no clue.

Love the username. So fancy.

Dark Fantasy

Promising. Although a tad nervous about chapter 3. I'm not good with triggering content but I'll wait to see how far I get.

Right. Two characters, one did something bad and the other wants revenge while one gets picked by a god to be queen and the other...wants to be queen because why not or is that the character who wants revenge? Well, two blurbs aside they are both equally as confusing. Simplify and make your point otherwise I ain't got a clue.

OK...why are there two blurbs? Chapter Zero is more of a teaser than a blurb so calling it a chapter is kinda like calling a trailer a movie. Try calling it an Excerpt, Glossary or a Preface. Serves the purpose you want without people expecting a full chapter.

I like the tribe details and inspiration stuff but it's really overshadowed by the two complex blurbs that...you only need one of. Or combine elements of both. So what I'm gonna do is focus on the main bit you added with the cover and then cover the problems with Chapter Zero at the end.

Overall, it is nice to see a decently put together blurb instead of the usual 'you'll have to read it to find out.' Eurgh. Hate those. Blurbs are hard so nice job giving it a go.

But as someone who also has two main characters fitting in both backstory, plot AND all the other fiddly details needed in half the time for twice as many MC's is a struggle to follow along. You probably love writing about both your MC's but trying to have a reader connect to more than one character in a single paragraph AND the world is too much to pack in.

I'd suggest picking your favourite one (or in my case get your friends to vote) or choose the one who drives the story the most until two character's plotlines come together. It would free things up and give you more space to sell your story to people and make it less wordy and easier to connect with.

In my opinion, pick Imani. She (I think?) seems like the simpler option and with all the different naming conventions you have going on I think sticking to one 'she' is a lot better in the long run. It might also help to give this 'god' a name to limit the he/she mixup over which character is which.

Now, this is where we get to the added confusion. Let's start with that sentence with Imani.

'Imani is chosen by a god to fight centuries old rival.'

Who is he? Imani or the god? Is it Imani's rival or this random god? Is this why Imani was chosen and if so, why should we follow him/her/they?

If succeeds he will make her queen and her name renown.

OK so Imani is a she? Is she? Who does that make 'he' then: the random god? The best friend who did something we can't know about?

Do you see how being too vague adds to the confusion? The mystery behind this world and this god can come later. Give this god a name. Give this god a purpose. Give Imani a clear reason to be queen. Give Kuhë a reason to be queen. Heck, I don't even know what gender Kuhë is, start with that.

Then you can do the carrot and stick routine. What your blurb is trying to do is give people a reason to read. How can we read if we don't have a reason why these characters are the way they are? Don't hide the conflict before it's begun. Put it out there and let us want to find out about what happened and why.

Then, hide the later mysteries once you've presented the initial hook: what Kuhë did to Imani and how is it going to change them? Then sprinkle in the god and queen stuff as much as you like. Heck even that strange 'third choice is death.' But you need a foundation before you add to it.

: *oooh* Shiny.

Finally. A cover that is NOT a copy/paste app attempt. I like the elements of the two main characters on opposite sides but I'm not sure what the flamey thing is in the middle and the dusty brown colour is not really giving me Dark Fantasy vibes. It makes it hard to see the text too.

I'd probably tweak it a little to crop the two MC's into the main view and have the text OVER it? Because that silhouette stuff at the bottom with the text is wasted with all the flashy stuff above it. Maybe incorporate the silhouettes of the characters with the lower border and the text and get rid of the sword? Dunno but that's just me. It serves its purpose for right now which is grand.

The tense changes. The character POV's! Argh! It's written so nicely but why does it read like two points of view at once! -_-

It's nice but...really, really distracting. One paragraph makes it sound like Ahja Youba is the focus, the next is Kuhë and then it switches to what reads like third person to a strange amalgamation of both and wrapping my head around it is...difficult.

I don't know whether you're trying to do a mix of third person or omni third but it's a shame because a lot of work has gone into it and I can see that from the structure and layout. It just reads like you're trying to compensate for Yuhë's introduction by padding it out instead of letting it do the work for you. You need to focus on one thing. The introduction to your main character.

I like them, really. But they are bogged down by how you word them and more importantly where you place them. To give an example, you have two simple lines of dialogue with two quite lengthy paragraphs shoved in between before anyone else says a word.

Those paragraphs talk about: Yuhë being too old for stories but loving them anyways, how Ahja Youba is a tailor of words, how Yuhë listened to her as a child and is now twenty one but she is still hiding behind a hut to listen anyways.

Two paragraphs in place of what could easily be done in less than a few sentences. You shouldn't have to explain why Yuhë is too old for stories or how Ahja Youba constructs stories when we've only been given one line of dialogue to prove that. Let the dialogue do that for you.

E.g. "Ahja, tell us a story!"

A smile grew on Kuhë's face, suddenly ashamed she had to hide behind a hut to listen to her favourite stories.

'And what story would you like to hear tonight my dear?'

Kuhë had to stop herself from calling out, the children screaming out titles in insistence. She couldn't help but long to be that young again, begging for Ahja Youba's stories instead of a place to sleep for the night.

See the difference? Your descriptions work but only in the right places. A lot of the initial confusion I had with the chapter is due to you slotting in description wherever you wanted instead of where it was necessary. You don't need to copy this style exactly but you need to think about paring down the details to suit what's needed.

It drags. A lot. Not just the details but the story itself being told. It's the irregularity of the dialogue with the description: how large chunks of the story being told are shoved into dialogues as long as your first two descriptive paragraphs and we're expected to follow along.

It starts off well with the farmer heading off to the spirit world (why doesn't the farmer have a name?) but it's a long time before we get there with all the little details that once Ahja Youba tells the story it just...why stick around til the end if it's chock full of details again? It's so much to remember and focus on that the ending is just...what just happened? People have short memories so keep it to only a line or two of seperating dialogue when telling a story.

Things like Yuhë having barely eaten or her playing with a stick while she waited are nice but it also drags the pacing down to waiting alongside her just for the dialogue to start up again. I don't want to know about Yuhë I want the damn story Ahja Youba's telling to start.

Yet as soon as we reach the bit about the farmer's sister (why doesn't she have a name?) it's overrun with very specific details we have to remember about a story we haven't been told before.

I tried to remember everything about the beads on the right hand and the bit where the sister wants her sister back (isn't it her brother who died?) by using a calabash (what's that?) after going to a random diviner...phew. We get details on how Ahja Youba would tell the story. Not shown. Told. By Yuhë.

Surely, the best place to put that would be in between the parts where Ahja Youba tells the story? Maybe Yuhë sees her through the cracks in the hut, the shadows on the wall: something, anything. Leaving it halfway through the demon story being told stops us from hearing it too. It tanks the pacing and by the end of the whole thing I just really wanted to take a nap and completely forgot the ending.

I'm guessing it's supposed to end up being a parable or foreshadowing of Yuhë and Imani's story but...for something so important it was incredibly hard to keep wanting to read. Either make it the focus or make the characters the focus cuz right now neither fully works for me.

Not much to say, really. Ahja Youba is a storyteller. Yuhë is the one listening to the story although she spends more time playing with a stick and worrying about food or bed or how she should be having children of her own at twenty one which...y'know, relatable but still.

If she's there for the story instead of hiding behind a hut for no reason you kinda need her to be more...engaged in it? Maybe she's trying to mimic Ahja Youba in how she tells the story and retells some of it aloud? Maybe she gets in trouble before the end of the story so we don't know what happens?

I dunno but give her some personality cuz other than your standard teen/old lady insert character I got no reason to like or dislike her. The trickster demon sounded more interesting and they were only named twice.

Poor country. With huts and very little food. And stories. About demons. Without your Glossary there's not much to the world other than the usual misguided views on women and what I'm guessing is a group of settlers or something? Don't know but you can always add to the world later.

So, we listen to a long story alongside Yuhë only for her to notice a randomer grab her from behind and...kidnap her? I know it's probably Imani cuz why else would you introduce a randomer but still. I didn't really care by the end anyways cuz the semi cliffhanger kinda made it fall flat since it was literally the only thing that happened.

I want to see Yuhë being told she can't listen to the stories but does so anyways, I want to see what kind of life she normally lives and how she's willing to risk everything to listen to Ahja Youba's stories. I want to see how Ahja Youba treats her and talks to her compared to the other children.

I want something other than a 'let's tell a story' intro. Maybe she's playing a game to do with the story or singing a song? Maybe certain stories are banned or are too scary for young children and surely Yuhë has a role to play in the tribe? Maybe we see how good or not so good she is at it and what she wants to do instead? There needs to be a sense of life not just a story suggesting there is.

Called it.

The first half has a bit too much explaiming with regards to details that really should be in the first chapter. Things like clothes and what they do for a job should be shown in the beginning if it is important and the name drops of the drunk guy stalking her for a week and Ahje Zuyei 'punishing her' feels far more important than giving it a simple throwaway line.

When you add a lot of name drops without any context its not only super easy to forget but the character development for both the main characters and the antagonists go out the damn window. Give it a chapter or two to develop alongside the two girls so we get a sense of who all of them are.

Second half is a lot easier to read. Far less description and the relationship between the two is good. But...I can't help but think this would work better if we had a proper introduction for Kuhë before Imani's as a better contrast instead of a story.

Chapter 1 isn't Yuhë's introduction. It's about the demons story and Ahja Youba moreso than Yuhë herself eventhough you explain about her lifestyle we don't get to see any of it before Imani comes into the picture. Show us what she is like, tell us what she thinks.

Far less than before. Now there is dialogue but you still start off with a lot of over explaining in details that should be shown and not just told in passing. For example, things about dying clothes and Yuhë being an orphan and being mistreated by other people shouldn't be a passing mention.

I think your first chapter would give us more insight into who Yuhë is if we see her dealing with the drunkard she's been avoiding all week or even Imani's mother who hates her but we never see the relationships. Use the details like her desperation for hunger and a warm bed to develop not only her character but the world as well.

Also, how does her having a mark on her hand relate to her becoming queen? I get defeating the evil demon guy but this reads like an isekai convenience plot more than anything else. Might need a bit more elaborating on.

Better but it still drags a lot at the start. Once the motivation that Imani provides is underway it gets better and gives us a reason to read on but I feel like you would need a chapter dedicated to Yuhë to show her lifestyle in comparison to Imani. It goes on a little too long for me and although the cliffhanger works for me this time it's cheapened by the previous one used in chapter one.

I'd split this chapter in half just so we get to know the different gods and goddesses along with the world and the characters and introduce Imani at the end without the cliffhanger. Then bring in her conflict and motivation to leave the village we've gotten to know.

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The first introduction to Imani is good but is also a lot to take in alongside the added worldbuilding. I like the contrast of how naive Imani is compared to Yuhë's more cynical outlook on life but you can tell how close they are even without context.

Yuhë clearly idolises Imani's lifestyle and feels like she's wasting it to leave it all behind while Imani's unwaverable belief in the goddess Aina to become queen gives me a tad greedy vibes so...not a good look for a potential queen but it gives her a flaw which is good.

Yuhë's needs a lot more work though. The personality she has is flat and not very likable considering all we get is a lot of angst about her orphaned life compared to Imani's fancier one. She needs a few more admirable traits despite her cynism.

Give us a reason to cheer her on instead of the woe is me details and we're forced to sympathise with her. I want to make my own mind up about her. I want to see Yuhë being locked up and I want to see why. If she runs away I want to say good on her for doing so or berate her myself for her dumb choices. Right now, Yuhë is a blank slate and I need to see what she cares about other than Imani so I can care about her.

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The world building in this chapter was a little better but considering how important Aina's mark is and how her name isn't included in the story as being the diviner from the start: naming characters as the daughter or the sister without a proper name is not the way to go.

Why is he important as a trickster demon? Why is godess Aina important to Imani and why does Yuhë not believe in her? Is that why literally everyone besides Imani hates her? Why does being given Aina's mark make Imani fit to be queen when we've literally only just met her and have no idea how that makes her a canditate for royalty?

Alll of these questions need to have clear setup and eventual answers instead of giving us vague and confusing hints and details into stuff I don't even care about because I don't even know the basics of these two and this world. Also, throwing in that Yuhë is an orphan instead of seeing that is just the freaking icing on the frustrating cake of vagueness.

Her wanting to leave shows Imani's impulsiveness but because we don't get the full story behind the godess Aina we don't understand why its so important to Imani and it feels rushed. But compared to Yuhë it's at least something.

All of her potential plot is given a line or two and nothing more and despite her need to brush it off we the audience need to see it because it shows us what kind of person Yuhë is so we can guess at what is to happen. The cliffhanger helps that along and I want to find out how they run away.

C

….Why? Why was this needed and where the heck did this plot come from over the run away plot you had planned in the cliffhanger?

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Creep alert. Utter creep. Barely got through it all. I'd might understand a bit more if it was set up and was something Yuhë had to overcome but it's not and it doesn't serve a purpose to the story or the character.