: Sanguinus

2

Prologue and Chapter 1 of The Night Rider

Ooooh demons.

Fantasy

: College and demons = shenanigans

Sounds fun. I do like demons. College? Not so much.

Kid and demon versus government and hitmen.

What is it with modern fantasy involving government? Genuinely curious on how on earth this trend started. For once I'd like a story where it's a bunch of fanatics or nerds chasing people cuz who wouldn't want to prove demons exist? The hitmen have a cool name but it kind of has them as the main antagonists even though governmental people were mentioned first. Why both?

Anyways, the blurb itself is very clean and well structured while still being easy to follow. That last line doesn't really work though since we got nothing about Sanguinus up until this point but yeah. Pretty good.

Unreadable. It's like you put a 3D effect over a cover and none of us has the stupid glasses to see it properly. It's incredibly blurry like you lessened a high rez image to bog standard quality so you could fit it in and it's such a shame.

I can see the dedication and time put into the cover but it's completely wasted by it being so jarring to look at and very dark so it's hard to see. If you can, try and fix it or just try and get a new one made. It isn't doing you any favours.

Thieving must be really easy if it only takes one or two sentences to explain.

It jumps around a lot. Like a jack rabbit it goes from bold and italics to normal text and back with a voice in his head when he responds...aloud? In the middle of a heist?

The description and paragraphs are really inconsistent so it's difficult to follow to the point where I can't relate to any of what's going on. I know it's first person with a lot of rushing thoughts and backstory brushed over but it reads like it needs a chapter before it to actually get us on the same page.

Descriptions:

Lots of unfamiliar slang throwing us into the unknown without any setup as to why this is all happening. Nice descriptions at the start with the interior of the shop but for someone attempting to steal from a shop he already knows there's barely any build up or suspicion that it's been too easily accomplished.

A little nitpick: Sanguinus said he was the first photo as soon as you enter Inktopolis but isn't the main character already IN there? Surely all that description didn't happen while he was outside? It makes the layout very unclear.

Without these descriptions of how he managed to get into the shop successfully it's really sudden and uneven compared to the details about the shop itself. After that there's the bare minimum of details on anything other than thoughts, conversation and what's needed for the plot.

It's like you shoved your entire story through a blender and just want it over and done with as fast as possible. I can't tell whether it's first person or third because the pacing is warp speed and everything interesting is just glossed over.

Due to the lack of setup and the very little insight we get into his motivations other than the repetitions about his mother it is tell and not show. The character knows this place but we don't. He has history with it but it obviously doesn't matter if he's robbing the place within two seconds of the story.

The reaction he has with a potential demon in his head is so casual that the sudden mention of schizophrenia is so missable that it doesn't add anything except an excuse to his thought process. I'm not a fan of such a casual mention since it's meant to be a large part of his character and it's depicted as being an 'angel and devil' appearing on his shoulder like Looney Tunes and that's supposed to make his dumb obedience to a literal demon justified?

Schizophrenia is a serious topic and it should be treated as such and it is very difficult to write well. Honestly your character reads as being more anxious than anything else even if he is aware that 'yes, demons exist and one is now talking to me while being obedient instead of I dunno, doing the job he set out to do?' really falls flat compared to his supposed motivations.

It's like as soon as Sanguinus comes in, his life goal is to do what he says even though his thought process is always about saving his mom. Also, if he knew the shop then surely he would know about the creepy painting and what it was or what it could mean? Even if it was new he'd be suspicious of it because he'd be like: 'What's that? This wasn't there before?'

Honestly, for a burglar he's pretty crap if he grabs a painting and puts his prints all over it just to vandalise it? It's just convenience for the sake of convenience and if you replace him with anyone else it wouldn't have mattered.

You need to show us the strong relationship he has with his mom, why stealing is the only option, what kind of person he is to his mother and his eventual decision to steal. We know none of this and there's no reason to follow a character we can't relate to.

Sanguinius is a typical demon. No tension, build up or sinister air until the predictable ending which really does nothing because the other character is made out to be non caring or such an idiot that it was bound to happen just to progress the plot. Although I always appreciate swearing it does not make a character.

The super fast pacing pared with the very predictable plot really dampens the nicely planned out blurb into a mess of just telling and not showing. The lack of build up for either characters really made the entire scene feel like you were ticking a bunch of checkboxes and nothing more just to get to a certain point.

Demons are devious. The main character is dumb to trust him. Tell us something we don't know. Everything was easily resolved and it really showed.

Only reading on because I said I would. And the swearing. I like swearing.

An infuriating double switch, lore laden mess crammed into a single chapter which makes the previous one look tame in comparison. I had this read and was done with it long before I spat out my milk in annoyance. Yes milk, of all things.

twist that goes nowhere then you stuff it with enough lore to gag a zebra and then you add another twist that was never a twist in the first place and then go, hey you whiny bitch? You wanna learn blood magic?

first person you are in turn insulting the reader for being dumb enough to try and follow such an inane plot. That isn't OK.

Other than the start, there isn't any other than a lot of posturing and sulking. Everything else is dialogue. Why is it all dialogue? Some reactions to certain lines would be nice and the whole possessing thing sounds cool.

But it's inconsistent because once again, we don't see it and is kinda contradictory because he's like 'you're the only one who's compatible' and then mentions the drunk dude who owns this place he's randomly in? Really wish things were clearer on what we know and what the character knows because right now it's a big ball of stuff.

I never thought I'd say this but I actually hate Sanguinius more than I do the main character. Yes, Meek (yes, we finally get a name and it definitely fits) actually tries to have a conversation but either is shut down by being told 'he is a coward' or 'this doesn't matter, let's change the subject to what I want' so all the interesting development he could have had is thrown out the window!

His mom having leukemia, him apparently being suddenly smart enough to trick a demon into helping him only for Sanguinus to basically 'nope' everything for no reason other than 'you're the only one compatible.'

It all feels like one excuse after another and we're supposed to go along with it just because the book says so?

Apparently he 'researched Sanguinus beforehand and knows he's some kind of God of Blood' but doesn't expect a blood contract or any appropriate reaction or reason to anything because of...how he thinks about stuff? Meek isn't brain dead, he has thoughts and emotions and actual ideas that don't come out of thin air for the plot's sake and actually make him a character. But I need to know what the plot is and what kind of person he is before he can do that.

This reads like you're making it up as you're going along. If you aren't? That's a real credit being able to plan that out and make it seem that way.

It's really disappointing because I was really rooting for Sanguinus after his sweary start but then it felt like he was just constantly berating the reader for trying to follow the plot that really didn't matter in the first place. I've mentioned my problems with Meek.

The plot is an entire thing in itself and there's no real incentive for anyone to keep going with it unless you set up things like double crosses and backstories beforehand.

Right now the feeling of being cheated out of a plot is from giving us completely new information and turning everything on its head as soon as we get it without hints or clear understanding of how things are in the first place. If we can't follow along then we can't connect with your story.