Dreadwater Breach

2

The title doesn't really hit me with the high fantasy vibe. Just feels like two words of a place which is a cool naming convention but doesn't really hit me what this book is about. The blurbs focus is siblings, right? You need more of a title that focuses on that.

High Fantasy/Action

Siblings wanting to reunite with lots of fantasy jargon and both physical and mental obstacles in the way.

Hellscore makes me think it's some kind of music based magic system? Sounds fun but it does disrupt the flow and tone of the story described.

The connection between the two siblings is overshadowed a lot by the different concepts included but the driving force is really why they were seperated, why they are so formidable together, how'd they get there and what will happen when they reunite?

I'm leaning toward Howl being my go to character favourite but I do feel bad for Farrier. His motivation seems far clearer than Howl's initial concept so sticking with him for the blurb would work well.

OMG THERE'S ACTUAL WORDS IN IT. STRUCTURED PARAGRAPHS! Yes please. It's been so long. Oh, right. You want criticism.

Overall, it is nice to see a decently put together blurb instead of the usual 'you'll have to read it to find out.' Eurgh. Hate those. Blurbs are hard so nice job.

But as someone who also has two main characters fitting in both backstory, plot AND all the other fiddly details needed in half the time for twice as many MC's is a struggle to follow along. You probably love both your MC's but trying to have a reader connect to more than one character in a single paragraph AND the world is too much to pack in.

I'd suggest picking your favourite one (or in my case get your friends to vote) or choose the one who drives the story the most until the siblings come together. It would free things up and give you more space to sell your story to people and make it less wordy and easier to connect with.

*exists*

Blank Slate. Grey. It tells me absolutely nothing. Basic font. Not very - eye catching. Fills a void.

You need to get yourself a cover designer. There are plenty on Twattpad and it's doing a disservice to that wonderfully structured blurb of yours. If you need any advice on where to find a cover artist, feel free to ask but even using the search bar should help you find some even if they are closed. Some even do favours so shop around. Please. People are fickle here and no one wants a grey cover.

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Those. Title. Headings. They are...really distracting and I get the grungy, war torn look you want but ouch! So many colours! Why? They all clash with the greys and browns and reds! The background is too similar to the font colour and the image in the middle does nothing for me.

The red claw just draws your eye in a bad way and there's so much going on that it diminishes from your work and it's a shame! Even a simple embellished title with a black and white colour scheme would work better. The map and pronunciation guide is nice added extras but I rarely use them so not much to comment on. Just, please. Either get new Title Headings or just don't use them.

Nice opening line but it's in the wrong tense. Dying wasn't part of the plan because...he wasn't dead yet? It's a jarring transition despite the gripping opening line and well thought out paragraph. Adding them together? Diminishes the impact of both sections. Also...the tense is really unclear.

First paragraph with him running makes it sound first person, like he's narrating alongside his actions. But then the word 'Farrier' comes in and the bite mark from a dog which turns out to be his? That paragraph is confusing alone without the switch to third person.

Pacing goes out the window after that. Goes from a strange scene to forcing the dog 'down' but where is down and why is he running and why doesn't he want the dog with him? So many questions.

It's like you're telling a story but every line or so you forget a detail and go back to add it at the last minute regardless of the pacing and it just...doesn't work.

The reason Farrier is running in a desert? Some randos want to eat him because why not? They get dialogue but that's only just after we find out what's chasing him. No build up, no description, no nothing. It just...happens. It's like the information is staggered and you need to force yourself to keep going just to find out what's going on. It's not progressing naturally or given as a reward, it's just thrown in there and that's a shame.

Oh there's a dog called Arco? And it turns out the body Farrier is in is an automaton? Where'd he get a ruddy sword from? Honestly, if you started with the dialogue scene it would be FAR more engaging than the crazy start we had. At least I would roughly know from the get go who was in the damn scene.

Honestly, I completely forgot he was in a desert until you had a brief description about sand and a scarf. Lots of interesting jargon about deadbeasts and Golem and Carns but I barely know what these are let alone what they look like. Describe them. Tell me why the deadbeasts are a threat but why Farrier isn't afraid. Tell me how Farrier can 'move his eyebrow' while being an automaton, how he moves, how a Golem differs from a normal dog. Tell me SOMETHING that isn't just: run, trip, random fall, omg new thingies we didn't know existed, dead.

Starts off slow with that opening and then moves at light speed from then on. Since we know nothing about a sense of time, setting, character placement, situation or what tense it's in it is pretty much impossible to figure out from the overall text. I would cut that entire first section to at least keep the rapid pace consistent and then describe what's going on inbetween, where stuff is and what it looks like other than this happens, then this and oh look sword doggo thing argh!

I like the dog because it's a dog. I like Farrier because he owns a dog. That's it. Other than the brief exchange with the deadbeasts and the bit of comedy with the running away scene we know absolutely nothing about what kind of guy Farrier is compared to the deadbeasts.

He seems like a cocky, naive wee shit but even wee shits have redeeming qualities. He's just...in a situation he barely got out of. Nothing else. If it is in first person tense, give us a thought process. If it's in third person tense then show us how he's feeling. Below is a very roughly planned out paragraph but it is far easier to picture and understand at least what you would try to do with this concept.

Farrier's hands shaking from the sight of dripping maw of the deadbeasts out to feast on his flesh. Animalistic snarls border between human and creature yet still different to Arco's growls of discontempt, patches of skin flaking away to reveal nothing but bones or even scales.

It exists? It seems cool with the deserts and the different naming conventions and creatures but right now I don't know what any of it is, looks like, how it works or why it's important. This is your first chapter, the very first glimpse into your world and why you should read it and it just...sits there.

Farrier kills some things with doggo and almost dies? That's after me scouring over every sentence trying to figure out what the fuck was going on because the tense flops from first to third, the pacing goes from turtle to mad march hare in the space of three paragraphs and there's more description on the back of a soap packet than there is in the middle of a vast wasteland than there is fighting monstrous, sentient beasts with a magically appearing sword and badass kinda doggo. So yes. There is a plot. But it's bloody hard to find and keep ahold of.

Less ouch with the Graphic Headings but the words are barely visible and DAMN that generic Misaka looking anime girl is distracting. Why are they always so pretty? The red outline is super thin that it's giving me a migraine. My advice is fix it or dump it. On to the chapter.

Why is the first sentence partially bold? At least the other chapter had a hook that made sense even if it was in a different tense. It does nothing for the chapter and it just looks like a weird formatting error. Don't like it. Very distracting. Also that first sentence is a run on sentence. Far too long. It's also contradictory.

Stuff about her captors is weird. I think this is third person but it reads like first with the internal monologue. Once again, they just got mentioned without build up or context. This is really different pacing wise from the first chapter and it's giving me whiplash.

It feels...artificial. Like Howl knows exactly what to do when to do it and everything is no bother, no challenge whatsoever and it just...sucks the life out of the scene and the character itself. Even when she gets outnumbered and knocked out there's no reason to feel sorry for her. It just...happens. That's it.

Better descriptions in this one but...really? Slim, pale ankles? Is that necessary? It's a tense scene, not a beauty contest. They're just ankles. Heck, you could've called them weak ass ankles and I wouldn't have cared. But I know more about Howl in this second paragraph that I do about the entirety of Farrier in his first chapter. It has strange placement within the story, feels like it would make a better opening paragraph than just after a scene setting but hey.

Breaking a nail? Really. -_- That's just unnecessarily insulting. Make her badass or don't. Mixing the two has been done but vague girly girl sentences just piss me off unless it's established from the get go.

"All the smoothness of a slow poison." I'm cringing just reading that. Poison isn't smooth. It's painful, deadly, excruciating. Also this guy is a randomer who shows up at the end? Why? Who knows. Also his entire scene is fricking creepy.

Everything feels over explained which makes me want to skip to the end. A lot. The fight scenes are just fight and win until the end and even the end is...boring. Fights should be quick and difficult and a balance between both opponents trying to overpower each other and not just a one hit fight no matter how skilled they are.

Being kidnapped and tied to a chair shouldn't be boring. It should be gritty and a slog to get through, you should feel alongside them, know their emotions. Even if they are overconfident or a badass there should be a consistency. A reason to keep reading and feel for the character. But there isn't. There's just an easy start, easy middle, randomly abrupt ending with a 'mysterious villain.'

Weirdly enough the amount of description is dragging this chapter down a lot. It's in weird places and it just feels like she's just going through the motions instead of a daring escape. Fights happen but they aren't intense. They just read like someone is explaining how anatomy works in the context of a medical dictionary when characters we barely know start fighting. Lackeys still need to feel alive, not just an obstacle to defeat.

Farrier is naive and cocky. Howl is...naive and cocky. Both are in difficult situations and for the most part they make it seem easy. They feel like the same character except one has a dog and one has a gun. There's no desperation to see each other. They just...exist. In two places. In two really crappy situations for no apparent reason.

Doesn't add anything to chapter one. Other than the word 'labyrinth.' Random creepy place with random creepy goons and a super creepy blue cloak man dude who just shows up to gloat.

Right now, I can't see how the plot connects because there's so many missing pieces. I don't know why these characters are important, I don't know why these situations are important. I don't know anything other than what is said in the blurb and I don't really care about these characters. Except the dog. Don't kill Arco.

Judging from your blurb, this story and world has promise. It's just executed poorly. It feels like two different people wrote two different chapters and it doesn't match up.

There's no sense of life in either the world or the characters and the lack of any direction or drive shown in what is readers first look into your story falls flat which is a shame considering how much potential it has. I recommend you figure out why this chapter is there and what purpose it serves.

There always needs to be an inkling of a plot, not just stringing scenes together because it's cool. Maybe these deadbeasts have names or codenames which connect to the blue cloak guy? Maybe Howl breaks free out of desperation to save her brother? Maybe this blue cloak guy tortures Howl since they don't want to know about her. They want Farrier? Or they want the automaton he's currently residing in. Maybe they have Farrier's old body?

It needs SOME kind of conflicting force, something they NEED to achieve right from the start but can't. Something to kickstart this story into gear quick enough to hook people and actually want to learn more about these characters.