What was Hermione's childhood like? She never told the gang about her family, and here's why.

Hermione has a sister named Emilia. She did not tell the gang about her because of a big fight they had when Hermione came back from Diagon Alley. Emilia was devastated because she wanted to make up with Hermione. Sorted into Hufflepuff, Emilia had a hard time making up with Hermione. When they find out that they have to be fellow bridesmaids at their cousin Jasmine's wedding, chaos reigned. Emilia and Hermione, who have been fighting for almost two years now, finally have to get along and cooperate. Will the sisters regain their might and ignite? Or will the sisters work together to destroy the wedding with their major sister feud?

Your cover is simple but has a messy look to it. The title is cut off on the side and is difficult to make out at first glance. I appreciate the color scheme used, as it references the lighthearted nature of the story. However, there is no indicator on your cover that this is a Harry Potter fanfiction. Because of this, you probably won't gather the right audience for this story. I suggest including characters from the Harry Potter cast on your cover or some kind of background indicating it's Harry Potter fanfiction. If you'd like, you can request these things from one of the fabulous cover shops I have featured in my reading list as well.

Your title is short, memorable, and incites a playful, lighthearted mood for the story. It has an obvious representation for your story, but I took off some points because again, like your cover, it doesn't show that this is Harry Potter fanfiction. You can choose to keep your title as it is, but if you choose to rename your story, I suggest using a theme related to Harry Potter so it attracts the appropriate audience for your story.

Your blurb is a little chunky. You also have unnecessary information presented, so I suggest splitting your blurb into several paragraphs and removing any names, locations, and times that aren't relevant at the moment. You also have some tense slip-ups and repetition. I didn't find grammatical errors, but you could also improve upon the structure of your blurb. This means removing any repetition, rearranging the blurb to best present the story, and restructuring sentences to be shorter and more concise.

As I am not critiquing the beginning of the story, grading the hook is not included in your review.

You had some comma splices. A comma splice is joining two different independent clauses together, and separating them with a comma, but not a conjunction. An example of this is: "I went to work, I drove in my car." These are two different independent clauses, "I went to work" and "I drove in my car." They both have predicates and subjects, and are separated with a comma. However, you must separate them with a conjunction as well. Without a conjunction, this turns into a comma splice. You have two options in this case. You can either replace the comma with a period and turn it into two different sentences, or add in a conjunction. In this case, the correction can be, "I went to work, and I drove in my car," or "I went to work. I drove in my car."

You often slipped up in your tense. Whether your story is set in past or present tense, you need to pick one and stay in it. If you're in past tense, you should use words such as "didn't" and "wanted." If you're writing in present tense, you should use, "don't" and "want." I've shown a few examples where you slipped up your tense below, so keep this rule in mind for future writing.

There were a few cases where I found typos and misspellings, although not all were pointed out in the chapter review. Other than that, your writing was clean and lacking many spelling errors. You did have some repetition with your diction choices, however, so I suggest expanding upon your vocabulary to strengthen your writing style and avoid the excessive use of adverbs.

Very little of your plot was actually your own. This entire chapter mostly consisted of descriptions from the actual Harry Potter book, and all you did was change a few names. This is plagiarism. Despite attributing ownership of the characters and setting to the writer, your writing is still yours. By using word-for-word quotes in your fanfiction, you're essentially telling your audience that they are your descriptions. I found little imagination in your chapter, as not a lot was new or different from the actual story. I suggest incorporating your own descriptions for your characters or scenes. Otherwise, what's the point of writing a Harry Potter fanfiction if it's almost the same as the original?

As I've mentioned earlier, it felt that the characters you've included weren't your own. You used the same descriptions as other characters in the real book and replaced the names. Additionally, when you had your protagonist, Emilia, reflect upon her relationship with Hermione, I felt that you could expand upon that and go deeper than the surface. Instead of having her lament about how sad and lonely she was, try to explain more in-depth. What did her sadness feel like; what could she compare it to?

Your writing voice was very clean and smooth, but it was hard to tell which part of the writing was yours and which was J.K Rowling's. The parts that I did suspect belong to you, I noticed a lot of your sentences were on the shorter side and similar in length. This made the structure of your sentences feel repetitive and basic. I suggest expanding upon your sentences and experimenting with your structures. You can also incorporate your own writing techniques, such as similes/metaphors, sensory detail, figurative language, etc.

Your writing style was smooth, and this made your story flow smooth as well. There wasn't much I could gather from just this chapter, but there were no awkward transitions or noticeable changes in the pace of the story.

"I didn't notice before that her eyes were a little creepy before, but now I saw it. I backed up a bit; I was a little afraid." (p.2). You have a repetition of starting sentences with the proper pronoun, "I." You also have a repetition with the word "before."

"Ok, now I was really creeped out." (p.3). As "ok" is short for "okay," you must spell the whole word out or capitalize upon "OK." Correction: "OK, now I was really creeped out." Additionally, notice how you already used "creep" in the sentence prior. I suggest using a synonym to avoid repetition here. I also noticed that you changed the perspective from the dream to reality. This breaks the flow of your story, so I suggest keeping the perspective the same for both (either first person or third person).

"There was bacon, butter, corn flakes, coffee, scrambled eggs, fried eggs, fried sausages, fried tomatoes, kippers, marmalade, jam, milk, orange juice, porridge, pumpkin juice, rolls, salt, tea, and toast." (p.11). It isn't necessary for your audience to learn of all the food items available for breakfast. I suggest only mentioning a few of them, and taking the time to add sensory detail. There's no point in mentioning food if you don't describe them, after all.

"The book that made Hermione made at Emilia." (p.11). You have a typo here with "mad." Correction: "The book that made Hermione mad at Emilia."

"Emilia didn't want to make friends at Hogwarts because she doesn't want to get hurt again by her friends." (p.12). You have a tense slip-up here. I suggest remaining consistent in your tense, which is past tense. Correction: "Emilia didn't want to make friends at Hogwarts because she didn't want to get hurt again by her friends."

"She sighed, she missed her sister a lot." (p.12). You have a comma splice. Comma splice, as a reminder, is joining two or more clauses together with a comma, but without a conjunction. To correct this, you can either add a conjunction or replace the comma with a period. I typically suggest the latter, as shorter sentences make for better readability for your audience. Correction: "She sighed. She missed her sister a lot."

"Professor Binns had been very old indeed when he had fallen asleep in front of the staff room fire and got up the next morning to teach, leaving his body behind him." (p.16). This is an exact quote, word for word, from Harry Potter. Even if this is a fanfiction, taking quotes like this can be considered plagiarism. I also noticed you tend to only include details and scenes already in the Harry Potter books. Since you are expanding on them in this fanfiction, I encourage you to add your own details and bring this story to life.

"Professor McGonnagall showed the class how it had gone all silver and pointy and gave Alia a rare smile." (p.19). Again, this sentence is eerily similar to the quote in the actual story. This is plagiarism because while you may give credit of the characters and setting to the authors, your writing is claimed as your own, and incorporating word-for-word quotes like this is essentially saying that they're your own words.

I appreciated the clean writing and the lack of grammatical errors. I had a huge problem with the content of your writing; most of this chapter was taken directly from the actual story, word-for-word, and you only replaced the names. This is seen as a case of plagiarism, so I highly suggest incorporating your own ideas and details into this fanfiction, instead of using the same descriptions as J.K. Rowling when describing a scene or character.