《Essie's Critiques》Reminiscence; Memories of Eternity
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"Being both in love and wise, not even the gods can manage that."
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Alexius Valerian Aeternus, a child of prophecy. The chosen prince struggling under the weight of his destiny. Unable and unwilling to walk the path fate has set for him.
Alärielle Eshènesra Silvaris, a living goddess. The divine princess who has embraced her decreed fate. For her, the noblest of callings is to fulfill her destiny, to heed the auguries of the Astrals.
They hail from different worlds. They have conflicting ideologies. Yet, they find in each other what the Universe could not offer them.
But can men or even gods alter what has been written in the stars?
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Against the backdrop of a galactic war at the end of time, two people from different worlds - a rebellious human prince and a devout elven goddess - fall in love, with devastating consequences for the Universe.
As a reader, I'd feel indifferent with this cover. It's neat and organized enough to not be unprofessional, but not creative enough for it to catch my eye. It's difficult to see the light, golden title compared to the vivid image used in the cover, and this makes the title and image seem separate instead of one package. The title should complement the cover, so I suggest trying to make it one by somehow mixing up the image and title. This could be by layering the title on the image. If you're looking for a new cover, you could also check out the cover shops featured in my reading list. If I'm being completely honest, your cover does not do your story justice. As the artwork seems commissioned specifically for your story, you could bring that to a designer to add a title to in a creative and impressive way.
Upon first glance, your title accurately represents your story and your genre. Just by looking, I can see that it's in the fantasy genre. As the title seems to be a theme following the journey of your protagonist throughout your story, it's fitting and memorable. I'll caution you, however, that "Reminiscence" is common in many titles (if you look through my previous reviews, you may find a few stories with similar titles) and if you search "reminiscence" on Wattpad, there will be a lot of results with the same title, or variations of the same title.
I was incredibly impressed because there were no grammatical mistakes here! I got a glimpse of your writing technique and your style from the blurb, which pleasantly surprised me. Most writers are too concerned with the content of their blurb to fully incorporate the mood of the story, but I immediately got a sense of that fantastical, mystical feeling from the blurb. I'm to nitpick, readers who aren't used to the fantasy/romance genre might be overwhelmed with the amount of information in the blurb. There are a lot of unfamiliar diction choices unique only to your story, so if you choose to edit your blurb in any way, I'd suggest making it more simple, and including your full synopsis in your story.
Wow! I loved the details and whimsical writing style shown in the beginning of your story. I got a fantasy/mystical vibe from it and was immediately engaged with your sensory detail and lack of grammatical errors. The hook/first paragraph immediately hooked me in with the mysterious details and implication of the green eyes. The only thing is that in your second paragraph, it's just one sentence, which is pretty long. I'd suggest shortening it to make it easier for your audience to understand, but other than that, I have nothing to point out!
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Most of your grammatical mistakes seemed unintentional, as they were not repetitive. I suggest thoroughly editing to avoid those kinds of mistakes. You did, however, have one repetitive grammatical mistake: Commas. Commas are used to separate different clauses. There are two types of clauses: Independent and dependent. They both have subjects (who/what is doing the action), and a predicate (the action being done). The difference between the two is that an independent clause can stand alone as its own sentence, while a dependent clause depends on another clause to make sense. If more than one clause is joined together, they should be separated with a comma. For example, this sentence, "I cried, then Billy ran away," there are two different independent clauses. One is "I cried," and the other is "Billy ran away." You'll notice that they're separated with a conjunction and a comma. You often misuse commas in this sense or forget to add them. Commas can also be used to separate an introductory phrase or word before the main clause. In the sentence, "Today I went to work," the independent clause is "I went to work," and you'll notice that it has a subject "I" and a predicate "went." The word "today" is excluded, and needs to be separated with a comma. The correction is: "Today, I went to work."
There were no spelling errors or typos that I could find, even after combing your chapters several times. This is your strong suit, as you included vivid diction choices and superb vocabulary that flowed well with your genre. I took off a point because especially within the first chapter, you had some repetition with some of your diction choices. For example, luminous, glowing, melodious, etc, were overused throughout your chapters. I suggest searching for synonyms to avoid the repetition.
I was impressed by the amount of work put into this plot. Whether it be names or establishing the world/setting, I was thoroughly invested with your plot and the direction of your story. It felt like diving into a completely new world, and you did a wonderful job at expressing your plot in an organized and informational manner. Your writing style and descriptions further engaged me with your story, and you didn't have any filler scenes or excessive information that cluttered your chapters. I can't remember the last time I gave anyone a full score on their plot, but you deserve it!
I was able to distinguish each character apart from each other. Alexius tends to speak in a formal way and avoids contractions, Lucious is big on duty, and Calix is more casual of the three and exudes a humorous personality. There's more I could point out, but you get the point. Not only did you establish their differences, habits, and personality traits, but you also had them speak in different styles to help the reader understand each character further. Well done!
Your writing style was like a breath of fresh air. It was so beautiful and flowed well with your story and genre. Your choice of diction and vocabulary only enhanced it, and you have a fabulous understanding of your own writing style. Not only was your writing mostly clean, but you included writing techniques, such as metaphors/similes, sensory detail, and figurative language. I just about fell in love with your prose. I took off a point, however, because I found that, especially in your first chapter, some of your descriptions were repetitive or didnt' flow with the current scene. For example, you have a lot of descriptions that include stars, the skies, etc. Additionally, when you were describing a character (Alärielle) during a scene of battle, it felt like you stopped time for a long time to describe her. Instead, I suggest layering the descriptions over the action. Perhaps Alexius noticed these things about the goddess while she was in action. I've mentioned more specifics about this in your chapter reviews as well.
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Your overall story pacing was smooth, consistent, and flowed well with each scene. There were no awkward or repetitive transitions, and you didn't rush through the ending of a scene, as I see many writers do. I took off a point because there was a point where the story started to drag (particularly chapter 3 and 4). I've mentioned this earlier as well, but I suggest condensing or shortening the battle scene in the chapters so it doesn't drag on forever.
"Panicked. Afraid." (p.17). Panicked and afraid are synonyms of each other. Instead of using both, I suggest finding an alternative for one. By doing this, you can further increase the reader's understanding of the urgency of this preparation. Additionally, you could use stronger diction to convey the emotion in this scene. "Panicked" could be "hysterical" or "afraid" could be "petrified." This depends, however, on the type of urgency presented here.
"Through the large flaming portals that had materialized out of thin air, emerged throngs of infernal creatures--horned daemons, shadow beings, monstrous behemoths." (p.19). Despite this being a long sentence, the comma here is actually unnecessary. Correction: "Through the large flaming portals that had materialized out of thin air emerged throngs of infernal creatures--horned daemons, shadow beings, monstrous behemoths." However, since this sentence is on the longer side, I suggest restructuring it to be several sentences (or one shorter, more concise sentence).
"He watched as the daemons painted the streets red with the blood of elves." (p.22). Is Alexius numb with shock? What is his reaction and emotional state? There's only so much beautiful writing can do to portray action, but there needs to be some kind of emotional reaction to balance it out. That way, your audience can become more invested in the story and feel that there's more at stake.
"With her tall frame hovering above, and her unblemished alabaster skin glowing in the night sky, she was a goddess incarnate." (p.43). With this sentence and the several paragraphs following this, you have descriptions of the heroine saving the elf-child. While I don't see the descriptions to be excessive, they are slowing down the action. I'm assuming Alexius saw this all in a blink of time, so try to describe how he sees her while she's in action, instead of like she's just standing there for him to observe. For example, maybe her alabaster skin glowed in the sky while she swooped down to save the child, or the gem-encrusted ornaments glittered like the stars as she flicked away the stones on the child, etc. Try to layer the description on top of the action, instead of describing them separately. That way, this scene will flow more smoothly and without inconsistent pacings.
"The pile of stones he had been struggling with, the woman flicked it away with a wave of her bejeweled fingers." (p.48). There is nothing grammatically wrong with this sentence, but it sits awkwardly with the story pacing. What about restructuring it without a comma, as, "The woman flicked away the pile of stones he'd been struggling with with a wave of her bejeweled fingers."
"However, just like everyone else, she too looked through him as if he was not even there." (p.50). You're missing a comma here. Correction: "However, just like everyone else, she too, looked through him as if he was not even there."
"At the center of it all, stood the woman with the green eyes." (p.76). The comma here is unnecessary. Correction: "At the center of it all stood the woman with the green eyes." Additionally, so far you've included superb diction choices and vocabulary. You could also strengthen the description here with "green." What shade of green was it? That way, you can avoid repetition with the continuously repeated "green eyes."
"As if it was not the first time, she had seen him." (p.79). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "As if it was not the first time she had seen him."
"... Hope is a better warrior,' Alexius scoffed." (p.108). To scoff is actually an action verb and not considered to be a dialogue tag. That means the punctuation in the dialogue should reflect that it's an action tag. Correction: "... Hope is a better warrior.' Alexius scoffed."
"His father had always been distant. He was always busy..." (p.16). You have a small repetition with "always" here." I suggest replacing the second "always" with a synonym, such as "constantly" or "invariably."
"'Ah, Viceroy Carcalus. I always thought he was a scumbag,' Alexius scoffed." (p.25). To scoff is an action verb, so as an action tag, it should stand alone as a separate sentence. Correction: "'Ah, Viceroy Carcalus. I always thought he was a scumbag.' Alexius scoffed."
"... Lucious' sister Hope would be there..." (p.37). You need commas here. Correction: "... Lucious' sister, Hope, would be there..."
"The momentary distraction coupled with the car's sudden motion, made Calix wobble." (p.46). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "The momentary distraction coupled with the car's sudden motion made Calix wobble."
"The halves flopped onto the pavement even as the ethereal weapon dissipated" (p.146). You seemed to have forgotten punctuation here. Correction: "The halves flopped onto the pavement even as the ethereal weapon dissipated."
"Slowly but surely, several broken bodies and decommissioned machines were piling up on the streets of Astralise." (p.7). I suggest adding a comma here, and you also have passive voice. Passive voice is saying something was done, instead of stating that something happened. I suggest avoiding this technique, as it has a weak impact on your audience. Instead, I suggest making the action more direct by replacing "were" with "began." Correction/Suggestion:"Slowly, but surely, several broken bodies and decommissioned machines began piling up on the streets of Astralise."
"The daemons screeched and slashed at Alexius, however, the Prince's telekinetically enhanced strikes hurled them away." (p.20). If you look at the words before the comma, it can stand as a sentence alone. You can split this into two separate sentences to have clearer readability for your audience. Suggestion: "The daemons screeched and slashed at Alexius. However, the Prince's telekinetically enhanced strikes hurled them away."
"Alexius ignored the remark, instead, he gestured towards one of the many office buildings that dotted the area." (p.26). As the group of words coming before the first comma can stand alone as a separate sentence, I suggest replacing that first comma with a period. Correction: "Alexius ignored the remark. Instead, he gestured towards one of the many office buildings that dotted the area."
"Calix screamed, the crowd echoed his fear." (p.32). You have a comma splice here. A comma splice is joining two (or more) clauses together with a comma, but without a conjunction. To correct this, you can either include a conjunction, or replace the comma with a period. As this sentence is already pretty short, you could use the former option. In other instances, I'd suggest the latter option, as shorter sentences make for clearer readability. Correction: "Calix screamed, and the crowd echoed his fear." OR "Calix screamed. The crowd echoed his fear."
"There was not much he could do for the poor man, other than getting him some medical care as soon as possible." (p.58). You have an unnecessary comma here. "There was not much he could do for the poor man other than getting him some medical care as soon as possible."
"Traces of blue lightning crackled around his gray eyes, as he lowered, the air spinning underneath him easing his descent." (p.15). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "Traces of blue lightning crackled around his gray eyes as he lowered, the air spinning underneath him easing his descent."
"Effortlessly, he broke the blade and used the shard to slice off Lucius' right hand" (p.60). You're missing punctuation at the end of the sentence. Correction: "Effortlessly, he broke the blade and used the shard to slice off Lucius' right hand."
"'Prince Alexius! Help!' She screamed." (p.71). "She screamed" is a dialogue tag, and a continuation of the dialogue. Therefore, the beginning of the dialogue tag should not be capitalized, as it's not the beginning of a new sentence. Correction: "'Prince Alexius! Help!' she screamed."
"Excitement and trepidation battled within Mérellien." (p.17). As we're currently in Alärielle's head, how do we know what's going on with Mérellien? I suggest rephrasing it so Alärielle's is observing the information through body language or facial expression. Suggestion: "Excitement and trepidation battled within Mérellien's eyes."
From the first paragraph, I was immediately engaged with this story. Most of my suggestions in your chapter reviews were just me nitpicking, and while I found some grammatical errors, most were not repetitive and seemed like unintentional mistakes. I noticed that in chapter three and four, the story pacing seemed to slow down, as the battle lasted for almost three chapters. I suggest combining the action to avoid unnecessarily dragging out the scenes. I am in love with your writing style and writing techniques and overall immensely enjoyed critiquing this story!
Congratulations! Your book has earned at least ninety points in my review—and therefore will be added to my reading list!
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