As we start walking, I keep getting weaker and weaker. Not the type of kind you get from walking a 15k. It feels like someones sucking all the energy out of me.

"You okay?" Leo asks seeing me slowly start to stop.

"I don't know.."

I suddenly starting crashing to the ground, My head aching in pain. I scream.

I hear Leo faintly yelling.

Then everything goes black.

----

Willa Walker lives with her adopted family in the small town of Mission Creek. But when her family gets captured by the one and only Victor Krane, Willa and her adopted brother Leo, decide to enlist the help of Willa's biological sibling, Ryan Walker. Will they be able to save their family before it's too late??

Your cover is neat, concise, and organized. I got a good impression of your story at first glance, and the image used is HQ. It doesn't give me a clear idea about what your story is about, but as it is a fanfiction, I'm sure it makes sense for those reading this story. However, keep in mind that for any other story that you may write in the future, it should represent your story, genre, and title (ex. Horror would include creepy fonts, romance could be an embracing couple, etc).

I can see how your title relates to your story. It gives me some hints about your story, like that your protagonist is in trouble and needs the help of her biological brother. I took off a few points because I'm not sure if the title represents your story in its entirety. You can keep the title as it is, of course, but if you decide to change it, keep in mind that the title should make sense or be a theme throughout the entire story, so that at the end, readers will understand how the title came to be. I only read one chapter, so I can't know for sure, but make sure your title appropriately applies to your entire story, not just one specific part of it.

Your blurb is simple and concise. This is great because I can easily absorb it without much trouble, which is exactly what a blurb is for. However, I've caught several grammatical errors. You're missing commas, incorrectly conjugating words, and more. I suggest you look at the grammar section and apply my suggestions from there to your blurb. If you still need help, please let me know, and I can get more specific with you!

I appreciate that I got some personality from the beginning of the story. The few things I noticed were the grammatical errors. I'll mention your mistakes in your chapter review. Additionally, you could expand on your descriptions. For example, what did the happiness on Willa's mother's face look like? What about their home, and what was the connection between Will and her brother like? Additionally, I suggest against underlining or bolding parts of your narration, as it breaks the flow of your story. If you want to emphasize something, you can simply italicize it.

You struggled with your punctuation and capitalization with dialogues. If your dialogue is accompanied with a dialogue tag (he said, she yelled, they shouted, describing the way someone says something), the dialogue tag is a continuation of the dialogue sentence. For example, it doesn't make sense for the clause, "She said," to be a sentence by itself. Therefore, it's part of the dialogue sentence. The dialogue should end in a comma to indicate that the sentence isn't complete, and the start of a dialogue tag is not capitalized, as it's not the start of a new sentence. The opposite goes for action tags. If your dialogue is accompanied by an action tag (she grinned/he sighed/they walked away, basically an action), the action should not be part of the dialogue sentence. The dialogue doesn't help the action tag make sense; the action tag should be a sentence by itself. Therefore, the dialogue should end in a period to signify the end of the sentence, and the start of the action tag should always be capitalized, as it's the start of a new sentence. Of course, the punctuation may vary. Exclamation marks and question marks can end a dialogue regardless of the tag accompanying it, as long as if it's a dialogue tag, the dialogue never ends in a period, and for an action tag, it never ends in a comma.

Example of dialogue + dialogue tag: "'I'm okay,' she said." OR "She said, 'I'm okay.'"

Example of dialogue + action tag: "'I'm okay.' She forced a smile." OR "She forced a smile. 'I'm okay.'"

You had a lot of comma mistakes. Keep in mind that commas are used to separate different clauses within a sentence, whether they're independent or dependent. An independent clause has a subject (who/what is doing the action) and a predicate (the action being done by the subject). Oftentimes, a sentence has two independent clauses, joined together with a conjunction. In the sentence, "I cried then Billy ran away," there are two independent clauses here. One is, "I cried," and the other is, "Billy ran away." Both have a subject and a predicate, and they're joined together by the conjunction, "then." Because of this, the two clauses still need to be separated with a comma, the correction being: "I cried, then Billy ran away."

Dependent clauses are just like independent clauses: they also have a subject and a predicate. However, dependent clauses are exactly like what they sound like; they're dependent on another clause. They don't make sense by themselves. For example, the clause, "I decided not to," has both a subject and a predicate, but it needs more context to make sense. There should be another clause attached or a sentence before it that it depends on making sense. When joined to another clause with a conjunction, the dependent clause should still be separated with a comma as well.

Commas are also used to separate an introductory phrase or word before the main clause. In the sentence, "Today I went to work," the independent clause is "I went to work," where the subject is "I," and the predicate/action is "went to work." The word "today" is not included in the clause, and therefore should be separated with a comma. The correction would be: "Today, I went to work." This is a lot of information to take in, but try to keep these rules in mind for the next time you're writing.

I noticed the amount of comma splices used as well. A comma splice is joining two different independent clauses together, and separating them with a comma, but not a conjunction. An example of this is: "I went to work, I drove in my car." These are two different independent clauses, "I went to work" and "I drove in my car." They both have predicates and subjects, and are separated with a comma. However, you must separate them with a conjunction as well. Without a conjunction, this turns into a comma splice. You have two options in this case. You can either replace the comma with a period and turn it into two different sentences, or add in a conjunction. In this case, the correction can be, "I went to work, and I drove in my car," or "I went to work. I drove in my car." You have many cases of comma splices in your writing, which I've pointed out for you. There were many that I haven't pointed out, so make sure to do that.

You often slipped up in your tense. Whether your story is set in past or present tense, you need to pick one and stay in it. If you're in past tense, you should use words such as "didn't" and "wanted." If you're writing in present tense, you should use, "don't" and "want." I've shown a few examples where you slipped up your tense below, so keep this rule in mind for future writing.

I noticed that you had unnecessary capitalization, or you were missing capitalization in certain places. The beginning of a new sentence, a certain person, place, or thing, must always be capitalized. The next time you capitalize (or don't capitalize), keep this rule in mind. Titles should always be capitalized unless there is a possessive pronoun in front of them. For example, "Mom" is capitalized when used alone. However, when you say, "my mom," it doesn't have to be capitalized. You were confused with this rule throughout your writing, and you also capitalized unnecessary words, which I've pointed down below.

You struggled with apostrophes and contractions. For example, the contraction "let's" and the word "lets" have different meanings, and should be applied appropriate depending on the context of the scene. Before adding an apostrophe, say out the full words "let us" and see if it makes sense.

With your punctuation within dialogue markings, there were a few times you included more than one punctuation. If you end the dialogue with a comma, period, exclamation mark, or question mark, ellipsis, etc, within the dialogue markings, you don't need any other punctuation after the dialogue markings.

There were several instances where I found misspellings or typos with simple vocabulary and diction choices. I pointed them out for you in your chapter review, but there could be more that I haven't found, so I suggest going through and thoroughly editing this chapter to avoid any typos/misspellings. Additionally, I noticed you use a lot of filler words; particularly "just" and "then" where it's unnecessary. It has become a huge repetition throughout your entire chapter, so try to clear those up to make your sentences more concise and direct. As we're already on the topic, I also suggest strengthening your vocabulary and choice of diction. That way, you'll have a harder time messing up any definitions or words, and you'll have less repetition with the diction you use.

I couldn't find a connection between your blurb and your actual plot starting from the first chapter. You had a lot of filler scenes that didn't contribute to the plot at all, such as having your characters go to school for a huge chunk of your chapter. I could understand that maybe you wanted to establish a relationship between your characters before having the bionics leave. However, you mostly described action, but didn't reflect on your protagonist's inner conflict or feelings as much. Because of that, I didn't get a strong impression of your other characters, and it didn't make much of an impact when the bionics had to leave. Additionally, you had too much detail and filler scenes, such as them going to school, but then wrapped up the chapter incredibly quickly with the fact that they would have to leave. I believe that you should shorten your filler scenes and expand on the last one, as it's more important to the plot.

As I've mentioned earlier, I didn't get a strong impression of your characters or protagonist. Most of your chapter was filler dialogue, and I didn't learn anything about your characters that contributes to the plot. Instead of describing what they say or do, describe how they feel. Establish a connection between your characters and your readers on an emotional base and that way, you can make the story come to life. Describe why they took the actions they did or describe how they came to a certain decision. You could also add more body language—what do they do when they're nervous or happy? You were missing these elements in your writing, so I suggest going back and adding more personality to your characters.

Again, most of your chapter was dialogue, so I didn't get a great feel for your writing style. However, I did get the impression that description and narration is not your strongest point. You tend to include weak descriptions that don't relate to the plot, or forgo descriptions completely and focus on the dialogue. I suggest strengthening your writing voice by remembering to describe the five senses when necessary. If your readers can't visualize the scene as though looking from a camera, then it's your job to provide one for them. This also includes showing, not telling, as I've seen you do multiple times. Once you've tackled this, I also suggest learning to incorporate different writing techniques, such as metaphors/similes, figurative language, etc.

Your story pacing was inconsistent. For your entire chapter, you had scenes that went by quickly, but with a lot of unnecessary detail. This made your writing feel slow, yet we didn't get enough information to absorb the scene. I suggest cutting back on the filler scenes, describing the important aspects of the chapter, and keeping it consistent throughout the entire chapter. You tended to rush at the end of a scene as well, so slow down and take your time if you feel you're going too fast.

"'Welcome to your new home, Mrs.Davenport.' Big D says as he twirls my mom around in his arms." (p.1). You're missing a space between "Mrs." and "Davenport." Additionally, this should be one sentence, as the dialogue tag is a continuation of the dialogue sentence. The punctuation in the dialogue should reflect this. Correction: "'Welcome to your new home, Mrs. Davenport,' Big D says as he twirls my mom around in his arms."

"I look at Leo, my brother with an annoyed look; he returns it." (p.2). You're missing a comma here. Correction: "I look at Leo, my brother, with an annoyed look; he returns it."

"'Thank you, Mr.Davenport.' My mom says all sappy-like." (p.3). You're missing a comma. Additionally, again, there needs to be a space in "Mr. Davenport." This should also be one sentence, and the punctuation/dialogue should reflect that. Correction: "'Thank you, Mr. Davenport,' my mom says, all sappy-like."

"Leo then says, 'We get it! You got married!'." (p.5). You don't need the filler word "then" here, as it becomes a repetition (you've already used it in paragraph 4). You also have punctuation ending the dialogue, so you don't need extra punctuation afterward. Correction: "Leo says, 'We get it! You got married!'"

Right off the bat, I noticed that you use "then" a lot in this chapter. It's getting increasingly repetitive, and it's unnecessary, so I suggest cutting off all "then"s that you see that are just putting weight into your sentences.

"... I ask because I have to admit this house was " (p.9). You need a comma here. You also have a tense slip-up here. Keep in mind that you need to stay consistent with your tense, and in this case, present tense. As I've mentioned from your hook, you shouldn't bold words as well. Instead, italicize. Correction/Suggestion: "... I ask, because I have to admit this house is huge!"

"They just smile, and kiss, again." (p.12). You have unnecessary commas. Correction: "They just smile and kiss again."

"No, This is Eddie, he's my smart home system." (p.19). You have unnecessary capitalization here. "This" isn't the start of a new sentence, so no capitalization is necessary. You also have a comma splice. A comma splice is joining two clauses together with a comma, but without a conjunction. To correct it, you can add a conjunction or replace the comma with a period. In most cases, I suggest the latter, as shorter sentences make for clearer readability. Correction: "No, this is Eddie. He's my smart home system."

"So, I see what he needs. Wow! I say when I see an elevator." (p.23). You have an unnecessary comma here. You're also missing dialogue markings. Correction: "So I see what he needs. 'Wow!' I say when I see an elevator."

"I started talking to Leo, when all of sudden we started going down, down, down." (p.26). You have tense slip-ups here. You also have a misplaced comma here and you're missing a necessary filler word. Correction: "I start talking to Leo when all of the sudden, we start going down, down, down." Additionally, you have repetition of using "start" twice in the same sentence, so I suggest avoiding that by using a synonym of "start."

"That steal doors thicker than your head!" (p.30). To steal means to take something without permission. I'm assuming you meant "steel." Additionally, there should be an apostrophe in "door's" to show it's a contraction of "door is." Correction: "That steel door's thicker than your head!"

"The girl just nods her head and turns the other way heading back into the lab." (p.42). You're missing commas here. Additionally, I suggest removing unnecessary filler words. To nod means to move your head vertically up and down. What else would she nod, if not her head? Her nose? Correction: "The girl just nods and turns the other way, heading back into the lab."

"The others came and just stared at us." (p.51). You have tense slip-ups here. Make sure to stay consistent with your tense, which is present tense. Correction: "The others come and just stare at us."

"Ok. I don't play this card too often. But, mom!" (p.52). You have an unnecessary comma here. "OK" should be fully capitalized as it stands for "okay," and the third sentences should actually be a part of the second sentence. "Mom" should be capitalized, as Leo is calling out to a specific person. If there was a possessive pronoun in front (my/your/her/him/they/etc), then no capitalization would be necessary. Correction: "OK. I don't play this card too often, but Mom!"

"Ok, a bit of an over exaggeration, but still!" (p.56). You need a hyphen here. Again, "OK" should be fully capitalized as it's an acronym for "okay." Correction: "OK, a bit of an over-exaggeration, but still!"

"She looks at me and I just nod in agreement." (p.62). You have a repetition of the word "just" many times throughout the chapter. It's unnecessary and adds weight to your sentences. Correction: "She looks at me and I nod in agreement."

"Then mom states irritated, 'Donald, I don't know what to make of all this." (p.71). You need a comma here. "Mom" should be capitalized, as she is a specific person you're referring to. Correction: "Then Mom states, irritated, 'Donald, I don't know what to make of all this."

In paragraph 72, "they" should not be capitalized, as it's not the beginning of a new sentence.

The next few sentences following paragraph 72 have unnecessary colons. I suggest replacing the colons with commas. Additionally, it's getting repetitive to say, "___ says..."

"No, there not time machines." (p.78). You misused the word. The correct word is "they're," as he's saying "they are." In the sentence, it would sound like, "they are not time machines." The word "there" is used to refer to a place. I suggest brushing up on your vocabulary to avoid mistakes like this. Correction: "No, they're not time machines."

"I was watching Big D throw some sort of orb at Chase." (p.85). You have tense slip-ups.