"He looked at her as if she had hung the stars for him."

Emily works in musical theatre. She hasn't had a job in months since the last time she was the lead in a Broadway musical. One day, her manager calls her to tell her that they want her back for a One Night Only charity show. The next day, she walks into the rehearsal studio to find out that she will be working with four other boys...one of which might become more than just a friend.

The photo seems to be of high quality and represents your story and genre. I noticed that there wasn't much creativity with the placement of the title and font. The font should represent your genre and should be creatively taking up space. I suggest changing the cover to meet these suggestions, or you can find a graphic designer who can do so for you.

This is a very whimsical sounding, poetic title. It's unique, creative, and it shows the amount of effort you put into finding the right title for your story, and the underlining message you might be spreading throughout your story. You can definitely keep it as it is. If you ever choose to change it in the future, I suggest thinking about how to make it obvious that it is a fanfiction. That way, you can gather more readers who are interested in the particular genre. This could be the name or title of a song that relates to the characters.

It's short, concise, and the excerpt on top shows the relevance of the title and your story. I noticed that the blurb itself was awkwardly written. You could work more on phrasing, descriptions, and removing unnecessary information. For example, the sentence, "Emily works in musical theatre," is very plain and basic. What can you add to it that will contribute to the blurb? You could say that she was into musical theatre ever since.... Or that she discovered her passion for it through... By adding more descriptions, you can show off your writing capabilities without overdoing it, as well as doing a better job at hooking in potential readers.

At first glance, your hook seemed appropriately free of grammar errors. However, I noticed that you started off with the background history of your character, which doesn't do a great job of bringing in readers. You shouldn't include background info unless it's absolutely necessary to the plot. If you do need to include background info, I don't suggest doing it right off the bat, as it might feel like a history lesson for some readers, who are looking to dive straight into the story. If you're choosing to include background info, do it later in the story when it really matters (to both your character and your readers), and split it up into chunks so you aren't info-dumping in one whole chapter.

You struggled with your punctuation and capitalization with dialogues. If your dialogue is accompanied with a dialogue tag (he said, she yelled, they shouted, describing the way someone says something), the dialogue tag is a continuation of the dialogue sentence. For example, it doesn't make sense for the clause, "She said," to be a sentence by itself. Therefore, it's part of the dialogue sentence. The dialogue should end in a comma to indicate that the sentence isn't complete, and the start of a dialogue tag is not capitalized, as it's not the start of a new sentence. The opposite goes for action tags. If your dialogue is accompanied by an action tag (she grinned/he sighed/they walked away, basically an action), the action should not be part of the dialogue sentence. The dialogue doesn't help the action tag make sense; the action tag should be a sentence by itself. Therefore, the dialogue should end in a period to signify the end of the sentence, and the start of the action tag should always be capitalized, as it's the start of a new sentence. Of course, the punctuation may vary. Exclamation marks and question marks can end a dialogue regardless of the tag accompanying it, as long as if it's a dialogue tag, the dialogue never ends in a period, and for an action tag, it never ends in a comma.

Example of dialogue + dialogue tag: "'I'm okay,' she said." OR "She said, 'I'm okay.'"

Example of dialogue + action tag: "'I'm okay.' She forced a smile." OR "She forced a smile. 'I'm okay.'"

There were a few times I noticed you didn't include punctuation within your dialogue markings. Just like ending sentences, dialogues need to be ended as well. Just because you add a dialogue mark to the end doesn't mean it's a complete sentence. It isn't complete until you add a punctuation mark at the end. I've pointed out some examples of this below.

You had some comma mistakes as well. Keep in mind that commas are used to separate different clauses within a sentence, whether they're independent or dependent. An independent clause has a subject (who/what is doing the action) and a predicate (the action being done by the subject). Oftentimes, a sentence has two independent clauses, joined together with a conjunction. In the sentence, "I cried then Billy ran away," there are two independent clauses here. One is, "I cried," and the other is, "Billy ran away." Both have a subject and a predicate, and they're joined together by the conjunction, "then." Because of this, the two clauses still need to be separated with a comma, the correction being: "I cried, then Billy ran away."

Dependent clauses are just like independent clauses: they also have a subject and a predicate. However, dependent clauses are exactly like what they sound like; they're dependent on another clause. They don't make sense by themselves. For example, the clause, "I decided not to," has both a subject and a predicate, but it needs more context to make sense. There should be another clause attached or a sentence before it that it depends on making sense. When joined to another clause with a conjunction, the dependent clause should still be separated with a comma as well.

Commas are also used to separate an introductory phrase or word before the main clause. In the sentence, "Today I went to work," the independent clause is "I went to work," where the subject is "I," and the predicate/action is "went to work." The word "today" is not included in the clause, and therefore should be separated with a comma. The correction would be: "Today, I went to work." This is a lot of information to take in, but try to keep these rules in mind for the next time you're writing.

I noticed the amount of comma splices used as well. A comma splice is joining two different independent clauses together, and separating them with a comma, but not a conjunction. An example of this is: "I went to work, I drove in my car." These are two different independent clauses, "I went to work" and "I drove in my car." They both have predicates and subjects, and are separated with a comma. However, you must separate them with a conjunction as well. Without a conjunction, this turns into a comma splice. You have two options in this case. You can either replace the comma with a period and turn it into two different sentences, or add in a conjunction. In this case, the correction can be, "I went to work, and I drove in my car," or "I went to work. I drove in my car."

You often slipped up in your tense. Whether your story is set in past or present tense, you need to pick one and stay in it. If you're in past tense, you should use words such as "didn't" and "wanted." If you're writing in present tense, you should use, "don't" and "want." I've shown a few examples where you slipped up your tense below, so keep this rule in mind for future writing.

You had unnecessary capitalization as well. Titles should always be capitalized unless there is a possessive pronoun in front of them. For example, "Mom" is capitalized when used alone. However, when you say, "my mom," it doesn't have to be capitalized. You were confused with this rule throughout your writing, and you also capitalized unnecessary words, which I've pointed down below.

I noticed that you also tend to include extra punctuation when unnecessary. For example, you'd include a comma as the punctuation within the dialogue, but after the dialogue mark, you add a period. This is unnecessary, and I found a few examples within your writing to point out to you.

You also seem to be confused with how to separate paragraphs. Whenever someone new begins to speak, a new paragraph should be started. If Sarah and Johnny are having a conversation, and Sarah says, "hey, how are you?" when Johnny responds with, "I'm great!" That should be a new paragraph. That way, your readers aren't confused with who is still talking and who isn't.

I noticed that there were repetitive spelling mistakes that you had. There were multiple typos, and you repeatedly wrote "sing" and "singing" as "sign" and "signing." I suggest typing more slowly to avoid mistakes like these, and to edit/proof-read before publishing any chapter. That way, you can easily catch these kinds of silly mistakes. You also had repetition with basic filler words, such as the word "really." This repetitively and increasingly shows up consistently throughout every chapter. It takes away from the flow of the story and doesn't contribute to the plot. I suggest building up your basic vocabulary, avoiding using weak verbs, and to get rid of filler words that might clog up your sentences.

You have a lovely concept for this story, and the plot itself is going strong. However, you struggled with presenting the plot and concept. In the first chapter, you included a whole backstory for your character that wasn't relevant to the story—at that time. Readers won't be interested in background info, especially when they aren't familiar with your characters or connected with them at all. I suggest evenly sprinkling background information throughout the story, and only if it contributes to the plot. You also had unnecessary descriptions, such as items of clothing, what Emily did and ate for lunch, etc. This made it feel as though Emily was writing in a diary with unfiltered, poorly structured sentences and thoughts, rather than a well-planned and thought out story. I suggest taking the time to restructure sentences with weak verbs or descriptions and try to decide for yourself whether it fits in with the plot and conflict at hand.

I appreciated that you included descriptions for each character. However, you have a habit of repeating descriptions for a character. For example, for Harry, you constantly described him as being calm and attentive, but rephrasing it differently each time. Your readers won't learn anything new from this. I suggest describing your characters through the little things, such as habits based on emotions (ex: shaky fingers when nervous, brushing back hair when scared, fidgeting when happy, etc). Your readers can also learn a lot about a character just by you describing their experiences. How do they react to something, and what do they do to solve the problem?

As I've mentioned earlier, you had a habit of describing things that didn't relate or contribute to the plot, and the basic writing style made it feel as though I were reading a diary, not a story. When you write a sentence, make sure to edit it if it feels awkward or poorly structured. Don't just leave it and move on, because a reader can tell if you put much effort into a sentence or if you jotted down unfiltered thoughts straight from the head. Additionally, I figured that the romance was a subplot in this fanfiction, and that Emily and Harry were the love interests. I sensed no chemistry from the two at all. It's very important to provide details and descriptions to show some kind of connection from one character to another. If you don't, your readers won't sense it at all, and the subplot will become weak and bring down the entire plot. On that note, it's important to recognize that your writing is simple and basic. That's good because the readability is clear. However, I suggest focusing on including sensory detail, figurative language, and describing things through similes/metaphors. That way, you can develop a unique writing style that your readers will be able to recognize no matter the story.

I've already addressed this issue before, but it applies here as well. You tend to use repetitive filler words that clog up the sentence and especially used within transitions. You use the technique of telling, not showing, when transitioning, which makes it feel awkward and fast. You should incorporate the transition seamlessly in the story without making it obvious, which means showing it the same attention you give to the rest of your writing. You can also look at other authors and techniques they use when transitioning. How do their techniques inspire you to find a more creative way to transition, and how can you incorporate that into your writing?

"I grew up in Los Angeles with my mom, my dad and my older brother." (p.1).1). You're missing a comma here. When listing things, each item should have a comma afterwards (except the last item), especially the second-to-last item. This comma is specifically known as the Oxford Comma. Correction: "I grew up in Los Angeles with my mom, my dad, and my older brother."

In paragraph 2, I believe you meant to say "painting and singing" rather than "painting and signing."

In paragraph 4, I suggest writing out numbers. By doing so, you can remain professional to your readers (especially those who are nitpicky) and not break the flow of the story.

We were all very devastated." (p.5). This is an example of you telling, not showing. If your audience cannot see the scene as though through a camera, then it probably means you're telling instead of showing. How was your protagonist's family devastated? This entire chapter is essentially info-dumping, but if you choose to split up the background info throughout the story, I suggest describing the mood of the atmosphere, the events of how it happened, and how your protagonist coped with this loss.

"Since I didn't have a mom, my Grandmother would often take care of me when my dad couldn't." (p.7). I suggest rephrasing this. Technically, Emily did have a mother—she was just dead. Additionally, "grandmother" shouldn't be capitalized, as it's not being used as a title. There is a possessive adjective in front of it (my), so the capitalization is unnecessary, compared to if Emily just shouted out "Grandmother," as it's being used as a title (like a name), it would be capitalized. Correction/Suggestion: "Ever since my mom passed, my grandmother would often take care of me when my dad couldn't."

I'm not sure if you're intentionally writing "signing" as in sign language (probably not...?) but you have a habit of misspelling "singing" as "signing." Another example is in paragraph 9, when you wrote, "Dancing and signing didn't motivate me as much as it used to."

In paragraph 10, you paused in the middle of the dialogue to explain, "my niece Elizabeth." If you do this, you should stop the dialogue as well. That means writing it like this: "'Grandma can't make you smile anymore, your brother Alex is too busy taking care of his new baby,'--my niece, Elizabeth--'your friends are...'" Notice the comma I included as well.

Side notes/author notes should not be included in the narrative. You should only include them at the beginning or end of the chapter, or you're breaking the flow of the story (p.14). If you can't find a good place to include this information, then it means it's not the right place to do so. Most of this information (in the whole chapter) can be spread evenly throughout the story, when the readers really care and become acquainted with your character. And if the info isn't relevant to the plot, then I advise against including it.

"There I met my best friend, Alice. She is not only one of the most talented person I have ever met but she is also a very funny and genuine person." (p.15). You need commas here. In the first sentence, "there" is an introductory word that comes before the main clause, "I met my best friend." It's the main clause because it includes the subject, "I," as well as the predicate/action, "met." There is a comma afterwards before "Alice," which shows that "Alice" isn't included in the main clause. The same thing goes for the word "there," as it has no place in the main clause. Additionally, in the second sentence, there should be a comma coming before the conjunction (but). You also confused plural and singular, as you're singling out Alice out of other people, not out of one person. Correction: "There, I met my best friend, Alice. She is not only one of the most talented people I have ever met, but she is also a very funny and genuine person."

"People seemed to really like it so, we started performing in Canada." (p.15). You have a misplaced comma here. Most commas tend to come before the conjunction, not after. Correction: "People seemed to really like it, so we started performing in Canada."

"'Hey Scott, any news on a potential job,' I asked, sounding a bit desperate but honestly, at this point, I'm willing to do anything if I can at least feel a bit less useless." (p.1). This is phrased as a question (hence the protagonist "asked"), but the punctuation doesn't reflect that when it should. I suggest replacing the punctuation with a question mark so the readers will read the phrase as it should sound. You're missing commas as well, and you have some tense slip-ups. Correction: "'Hey, Scott, any news on a potential job?' I asked, sounding a bit desperate, but honestly, at this point, I was willing to do anything if I could at least feel a bit less useless."

Keep in mind that when a new person begins speaking, you should begin a new paragraph as well. In paragraph 1, after Emily speaks, when Scott responds, that should be a new paragraph, as it's a new person speaking.

"Him and a few other people are putting on a charity show in Los Angeles that will be raising money for a charity called HealthForTheKids." (p.2). This sentence is poorly structured. I suggest writing it as this, "He, and a few other people, are putting on a charity show in Los Angeles that will be raising money for a charity called HealthForTheKids."

"That is such great news!" (p.3). You have a tense slip-up here. Keep in mind that you're writing in past tense, not present, and your tense should stay consistent throughout the entire story.