Emma White and Chloe Mitchell are known for their pure and firm friendship. When they decide to spend their summer in a beautiful town called Oceanshell Town, everything turns upside down.

Mangled fingers and dead bodies of the inhabitants start turning up all over the town and the scared people claim that a dead man's spirit has awoken and is behind all this.

Matters worsen when Chloe goes missing, and Emma is left with nothing but depression. Questions fill up her already unstable mind.

𝘞𝘩𝘰 𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘥 𝘮𝘢𝘯?

𝘐𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘢 𝘴𝘱𝘪𝘳𝘪𝘵?

𝘈𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘴𝘦 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘮𝘶𝘳𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘴?

𝘐𝘴 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘳𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘨𝘦?

Emma enlists the help of a popular artist called Harriet Jones, who does not believe the rumours. Can they find out the answers to all the questions before everything's lost?

I would have appreciated more color in the cover. I understand that the color scheme used portrays your story and genre, but it won't stand out amongst other covers of different mystery/thriller stories. Additionally, while the image used could represent your story genre, it doesn't represent your story or your title. The title itself and the font used are not creatively taking up the space, and the font seems more like something on the cover of a diary than a mystery thriller. I suggest going to a cover designer on Wattpad, and there are many amazing cover shops featured in my reading list.

Again, this seems to portray the genre of your story, but I feel that it would attract more readers attracted to horror and gore than mystery thrillers. It doesn't have a neat ring to it that makes it a memorable title. It also doesn't seem to represent your story; it only represents one part of it, which is that mangled fingers were showing up. There should be an overarching reason that represents your entire story. This could be a character's name, it could include the story setting, or a symbolic object used repeatedly and symbolically throughout the story.

For the most part, your blurb was grammatically clean and free of errors. I appreciated this, but I also noticed that you had unnecessary information and filler words within your sentences. You could shorten and tighten your sentences to only include the triggering action, conflict, and obstacles within the story. For example, the whole part about Emma having questions should not be included within the blurb. You can portray her thoughts and self-reflection in the actual story, but these do not contribute to the overall plot. You have some repetition with the word "town" in the first paragraph, and I recommend shortening it to "... they decide to spend their summer in Oceanshell Town..." so that "town" is only used once. You have generic statements, such as Emma spiraling into depression and having questions. This is a mystery story, and while reactions/emotions are important, they do not make the plot, and therefore shouldn't be included in the blurb. If you want to include a sense of anxiety/urgency within the blurb, you could add that time was running out, or that Emma was in danger of losing something if she didn't solve this mystery in time.

Your blurb was free and clean of any grammatical errors, which I appreciated. I also noticed that this was a very plain start. It didn't hook me in, and I didn't get the feeling/mood of your genre and turn of the story. You could be more creative with how the two girls decide to spend their summer as well. It would have been nicer to show this rather than tell it. For example, they could be watching TV and seeing an add for a summer vacation. This would help me, as the reader, understand the mood of the story, the relationship between the characters, and also the setting of their home.

You struggled with your punctuation and capitalization with dialogues. If your dialogue is accompanied with a dialogue tag (he said, she yelled, they shouted, describing the way someone says something), the dialogue tag is a continuation of the dialogue sentence. For example, it doesn't make sense for the clause, "She said," to be a sentence by itself. Therefore, it's part of the dialogue sentence. The dialogue should end in a comma to indicate that the sentence isn't complete, and the start of a dialogue tag is not capitalized, as it's not the start of a new sentence. The opposite goes for action tags. If your dialogue is accompanied by an action tag (she grinned/he sighed/they walked away, basically an action), the action should not be part of the dialogue sentence. The dialogue doesn't help the action tag make sense; the action tag should be a sentence by itself. Therefore, the dialogue should end in a period to signify the end of the sentence, and the start of the action tag should always be capitalized, as it's the start of a new sentence. Of course, the punctuation may vary. Exclamation marks and question marks can end a dialogue regardless of the tag accompanying it, as long as if it's a dialogue tag, the dialogue never ends in a period, and for an action tag, it never ends in a comma.

Example of dialogue + dialogue tag: "'I'm okay,' she said." OR "She said, 'I'm okay.'"

Example of dialogue + action tag: "'I'm okay.' She forced a smile." OR "She forced a smile. 'I'm okay.'"

I noticed that you tended to leave out punctuation in your dialogues. Just like ending sentences, dialogues need to be ended as well. Just because you add a dialogue mark to the end doesn't mean it's a complete sentence. It isn't complete until you add a punctuation mark at the end. I've pointed out some examples of this below.

You had a lot of comma mistakes. Keep in mind that commas are used to separate different clauses within a sentence, whether they're independent or dependent. An independent clause has a subject (who/what is doing the action) and a predicate (the action being done by the subject). Oftentimes, a sentence has two independent clauses, joined together with a conjunction. In the sentence, "I cried then Billy ran away," there are two independent clauses here. One is, "I cried," and the other is, "Billy ran away." Both have a subject and a predicate, and they're joined together by the conjunction, "then." Because of this, the two clauses still need to be separated with a comma, the correction being: "I cried, then Billy ran away."

Dependent clauses are just like independent clauses: they also have a subject and a predicate. However, dependent clauses are exactly like what they sound like; they're dependent on another clause. They don't make sense by themselves. For example, the clause, "I decided not to," has both a subject and a predicate, but it needs more context to make sense. There should be another clause attached or a sentence before it that it depends on making sense. When joined to another clause with a conjunction, the dependent clause should still be separated with a comma as well.

Commas are also used to separate an introductory phrase or word before the main clause. In the sentence, "Today I went to work," the independent clause is "I went to work," where the subject is "I," and the predicate/action is "went to work." The word "today" is not included in the clause, and therefore should be separated with a comma. The correction would be: "Today, I went to work." This is a lot of information to take in, but try to keep these rules in mind for the next time you're writing.

I noticed the amount of comma splices used as well. A comma splice is joining two different independent clauses together, and separating them with a comma, but not a conjunction. An example of this is: "I went to work, I drove in my car." These are two different independent clauses, "I went to work" and "I drove in my car." They both have predicates and subjects, and are separated with a comma. However, you must separate them with a conjunction as well. Without a conjunction, this turns into a comma splice. You have two options in this case. You can either replace the comma with a period and turn it into two different sentences, or add in a conjunction. In this case, the correction can be, "I went to work, and I drove in my car," or "I went to work. I drove in my car." You have many cases of comma splices in your writing, which I've pointed out for you. There were many that I haven't pointed out, so make sure to do that.

You often slipped up in your tense. Whether your story is set in past or present tense, you need to pick one and stay in it. If you're in past tense, you should use words such as "didn't" and "wanted." If you're writing in present tense, you should use, "don't" and "want." I've shown a few examples where you slipped up your tense below, so keep this rule in mind for future writing.

I noticed that you had unnecessary capitalization, or you were missing capitalization in certain places. The beginning of a new sentence, a certain person, place, or thing, must always be capitalized. The next time you capitalize (or don't capitalize), keep this rule in mind.

You struggled with apostrophes and contractions. For example, the contraction "let's" and the word "lets" have different meanings, and should be applied appropriate depending on the context of the scene. Before adding an apostrophe, say out the full words "let us" and see if it makes sense.

I found many misspellings and typos within your writing. Before doing anything, focus on cleaning up your spelling errors. Strengthen your basic diction use, as you misspelled or misused basic, everyday words. Make sure to edit thoroughly and proof-read before uploading a chapter.

I appreciated the direction you went with this story. You had a good concept/idea, but there was a lot you didn't expand upon or appropriately describe. It felt as though you were rushing through your plot, and you didn't thoroughly think out how each scene would play out. The triggering action of the girls deciding to go to Oceanshell was just Chloe suddenly saying, "hey, let's go somewhere!" It felt awkward and forced. You could explain further the legend of the mangled fingers, and how it impacted the town before this recent incident. You didn't thoroughly world-build, and I never got a strong sense of the protagonist's surroundings. I also noticed that it took five chapters for the actual triggering (the disappearance of Roberto) to happen. The first four chapters were all filler chapters. Your readers probably didn't come to read about how the girls met each and every resident of Oceanshell, visited every shop, and did a lot of tourist-ing. I suggest fitting those things all in one chapter, not expanding it through five. While it's good to set the scene, most of your chapters were unnecessary and didn't contribute to the plot at all.

I didn't get strong descriptions of any characters that stayed in my mind. You mentioned hair color or eye color in passing, but didn't expand on their personalities or actions. Your narrative consisted mostly of dialogue, of things such as, "'Hi,' said Katie. 'Hi,' said Reilly. 'How are you?' Katie asked. 'Good,' Reilly replied." Do you see how this doesn't contribute to the plot or reveal anything about your characters? You didn't do a lot of self-reflecting either. You typically wrote a few questions that your protagonist had, then had her thoughts conveniently broken out of to continue the scene. Instead of cutting her thoughts short, have her sit down and think about the situation. This helps your readers connect with your characters and understand them.

You have a very simple writing style. While this can be a good thing, as it's easier for your audience to understand and read, it can also be bad, because you have a lot of filler words. So your writing style is very short and simple, but also confusing and random. You have a lot of potential in this area. I recommend getting rid of all your descriptions and purple prose—excessive description—and focusing on shortening/tightening sentences to make the most sense. Then, you can begin to sprinkle in fun/interesting diction/vocabulary, and add in descriptions/sensory detail/figurative language throughout the entire chapter. I noticed that you typically only include figurative language in the first or last paragraph, then completely disregard the rest of the chapter. Keep it consistent and smooth.

I found your transitions to be very awkward. You had a lot of repetition, especially when your characters are thinking. You always transition into the next scene by having something/something break their train of thought. You also rushed through some scenes, and when removing a character from a scene, you told the audience that they had to go, rather than showing it. Your story pacing was very inconsistent. Most of your scenes were rushed and not properly thought out, but the overall story itself was crawling at a snail's pace. That means many of your scenes were filler scenes. Remove the unnecessary information, and focus on keeping each scene at the same, consistent pace.

"Her long ash brown hair move as she shakes her head." (p.5). Here, "move" should be plural, and you need a hyphen between "ash" and "brown." Additionally, I found this sentence to be plain and awkward. You could be stronger with the verb use. "Move" doesn't have a strong effect on your readers, but "swish" can. Correction/Suggestion: "Her long ash-brown hair swishes/ripples as she shakes her head." In the same paragraph, it's unprofessional to end a sentence with more than one punctuation. In the dialogue, you ended it with two exclamation marks, which is grammatically incorrect. You shouldn't use more than one punctuation mark at a time.

In paragraph 6, you have an incomplete sentence. By ending the sentence with a comma, you're indicating that the sentence continues. However, that's where the sentence ends and the new paragraph starts, so the comma should be replaced with a period.

"No, we are going somewhere and that's final, I'll come up with some places till dinner..." (p.7). You're missing a comma here, and you also have a comma splice. As a reminder, a comma splice is putting two clauses together with a comma, but without a conjunction. To correct this, you can either replace the comma with a period, or add a conjunction. In this case, since the sentence is already on the longer side, I suggest the former. Correction: "No, we are going somewhere, and that's final. I'll come up with some places till dinner..."

"'It would be nice.' I think silently." (p.9). Since this isn't verbally spoken out loud, the dialogue markings aren't necessary. "I think silently" is a dialogue tag and is a continued part of the sentence. The thought should end in a comma to indicate that the sentence continues, and I also suggest italicizing the thought. Correction/Suggestion: "It would be nice, I think silently." This applies to the other times your character has a thought.

In paragraph 10, you have a spelling error. "Loosing" is "losing."

In paragraph 15, you have an incomplete sentence. If you end the sentence and start another or a new paragraph, a period should be used to indicate a new sentence/paragraph is starting.

"I on the lights and place my bag on the table." (p.22). You seem to be missing a word here. Correction: "I turn on the lights and place my bag on the table." Additionally, you have repetition in this paragraph. For several sentences in a row, you started with "I." It sounds awkward and forced when you say it out loud, and it doesn't help that those sentences are all similar in length. I suggest experimenting with sentence length and structure, and to avoid using the same word to start a sentence more than twice in a row.

"Not many, Just a few..." (p.29). You have an unnecessarily capitalized word here. Since the previous clause ends in a comma, the next one is a continued part of the sentence, not the start of a new one. Correction: "Not many, just a few..."

"... but it was really hard to decide among so many." (p.32). You have a tense slip-up here. Keep in mind that you're writing in present tense, not past. Correction: "... but it is really hard to decide among so many."

"'Obviously it's nice,' Chloe rolls her eyes." (p.35). You're missing a comma here. Additionally, the clause after the dialogue is not a dialogue tag, but an action tag. It isn't describing the way the person says something, which shows that it's an action tag. The comma in the dialogue should be replaced with a period to show that the action tag is a separate sentence. Correction: "'Obviously, it's nice.' Chloe rolls her eyes."

In paragraph 38, in your second dialogue, you need to capitalize the first word because it's a start of a new sentence.

In paragraph 43, you have unnecessary capitalization. Keep in mind that specific places, persons, or things, or the beginning of a new sentence, should be capitalized. All else is lowercase.

"And so the sky was equal parts blue and a chorus of greys, streaked with silvers and golds." (p.1). I don't recommend pluralizing "silver" and "gold" because you can't really count them. Additionally, you have a tense slip up. Remember to stay in present tense, not past.

"'... my name is Oliver Watson.' the man says." (p.9). Since the dialogue tag is included in the sentence, the period should be replaced with a comma to indicate that the sentence continues. Correction: "'... my name is Oliver Watson,' the man says."

In paragraph 13, I suggest writing out numbers between 1 to 10 and more than that as well. Not writing out numbers can be unprofessional and break the flow of the story.

You have excess information in paragraph 15. Your reader does not need to know about the side-table and the chairs. Unless you decide to describe the overall mood and condition of the room, do not do this. If you write descriptions, it should be to immerse your reader into the story, not to bore them with chairs and tables. Here, I suggest reflecting how the character feels with the condition of the room, rather than describing the room itself, as it doesn't contribute to the plot.