In a world where people cannot even trust themselves to know how they feel, what will the hunt for truth cost Sia who has always opposed the Hidden Thoughts experiment?

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Five hundred years from now, the world has risen better and stronger than ever from the ruins of The Ancient Western Civilisation. The government has promised the people that never again shall the world bow down to the dangerous games of nature. As a solution, The Hidden Thoughts experiment has been launched, an experiment that goes directly against the laws of nature. But is this wonderful-sounding game being played by the government as fun as it seems, or are there secrets that could possibly lead to the destruction of humanity again, and this time for good?

Will Sia, a girl who has made it a hobby to break rules, be able to uncover the truth before it is too late for Humanity?

Your cover is very interesting. You included unique aspects that helped it represent the story and genre, and the title is easily the largest font. It's a little grainy and foggy, but please let me know if it's intentional or not! As long as you're comfortable with the cover, it's professional and organized, so I have no complaints.

Just by reading the blurb, I can tell the title accurately represents your story. The title itself is generic and almost random, however, and potential readers won't have a clue about the genre it represents, making it harder for them to get into the story. You can definitely keep it as it is since it portrays your story well, but I also suggest keeping your mind open to other title possibilities.

I appreciated the depth of your blurb. It was insightful, informative, and concise. Although on the longer side, I feel that it appropriately portrayed and set up background information for your story. I noticed that there were a few minor grammar errors, such as missing commas. However, I'm just being picky here. If you choose to edit your blurb, I suggest seeing the grammar corrections and suggestions I make, and apply it to your blurb.

Right off the bat, your writing is clean and free of grammar errors. You've established the tense, mood of the story, setting, and I got a taste of your protagonist's mindset. It's intriguing and makes me want to learn more.

You had the occasional slip up with your punctuation/capitalization regarding your dialogue. Your dialogues are typically accompanied with dialogue tags (she said, he yelled, they shouted, describing the way someone says something), and action tags (she grinned/he sighed/they walked away, basically an action). A dialogue tag is a continuation of a dialogue sentence, meaning that the dialogue itself should end in any punctuation but a period, and the beginning of the dialogue tag is never capitalized, seeing as it's not the beginning of a new sentence. The opposite goes for an action tag, which is a separate sentence. That means the dialogue should end in any punctuation but a comma, and the beginning of the action tag is always capitalized.

Example of dialogue + dialogue tag: "'I'm okay,' she said." OR "She said, 'I'm okay.'"

Example of dialogue + action tag: "'I'm okay.' She forced a smile." OR "She forced a smile. 'I'm okay.'"

You had a lot of comma mistakes. Keep in mind that commas are used to separate different clauses within a sentence, whether they're independent or dependent. An independent clause has a subject (who/what is doing the action) and a predicate (the action being done by the subject). Oftentimes, a sentence has two independent clauses, joined together with a conjunction. In the sentence, "I cried then Billy ran away," there are two independent clauses here. One is, "I cried," and the other is, "Billy ran away." Both have a subject and a predicate, and they're joined together by the conjunction, "then." Because of this, the two clauses still need to be separated with a comma, the correction being: "I cried, then Billy ran away."

Dependent clauses are just like independent clauses: they also have a subject and a predicate. However, dependent clauses are exactly like what they sound like; they're dependent on another clause. They don't make sense by themselves. For example, the clause, "I decided not to," has both a subject and a predicate, but it needs more context to make sense. There should be another clause attached or a sentence before it that it depends on making sense. When joined to another clause with a conjunction, the dependent clause should still be separated with a comma as well.

Commas are also used to separate an introductory phrase or word before the main clause. In the sentence, "Today I went to work," the independent clause is "I went to work," where the subject is "I," and the predicate/action is "went to work." The word "today" is not included in the clause, and therefore should be separated with a comma. The correction would be: "Today, I went to work." This is a lot of information to take in, but try to keep these rules in mind for the next time you're writing.

I noticed the amount of comma splices used as well. A comma splice is joining two different independent clauses together, and separating them with a comma, but not a conjunction. An example of this is: "I went to work, I drove in my car." These are two different independent clauses, "I went to work" and "I drove in my car." They both have predicates and subjects, and are separated with a comma. However, you must separate them with a conjunction as well. Without a conjunction, this turns into a comma splice. You have two options in this case. You can either replace the comma with a period and turn it into two different sentences, or add in a conjunction. In this case, the correction can be, "I went to work, and I drove in my car," or "I went to work. I drove in my car." You have many cases of comma splices in your writing, which I've pointed out for you. There were many that I haven't pointed out, so make sure to do that.

I was impressed by the lack of spelling mistakes/typos in your writing. If I'm not mistaken, you've clearly spent some time proof-reading and editing this chapter, which helps me appreciate the effort more as a reader and a writer. Now, there were a few instances where you strayed towards using more basic vocabulary. I suggest strengthening your vocabulary and use of diction. Whatever vocabulary you choose to use can set the mood for a particular scene. What interesting diction can you use that fits your story, genre, and story mood?

I was immediately intrigued by reading the blurb. It's mysterious but also has a serious take/concept on human nature. I felt as though I was in a whole new world by reading the first chapter, particularly with the scene where the father drank happiness from his cup, and the ritual-like event with the different emotions. I found it very creative and was thrilled to see new concepts twisted for a particular idea. Well done!

For the most part, your characters were easy to identify. You had no trouble adding subtly in the way your characters reacted/acted. I immediately sensed the tension between the protagonist and her mother, and the spiky mental shield around her sister. Other ways to portray emotions or tension within a scene is to use body language. Maybe her fingers tremble, or her eyes dart all over the room to signify nervousness. Additionally, there were a few times you stated something, rather than showing, or you were bordering on that line. There were some places you could expand on a particular scene or emotion. If your protagonist feels something, amplify that emotion and describe in depth. This makes it crystal clear for your readers, and they'll also be thrilled by your description.

The fact that your writing was mostly clean helped me appreciate your writing voice even more. It's very distinct and disconnected, and I especially noticed your lack of use of contractions (is that intentional? I'd love to know!). Your writing stayed very technical, and everything you wrote was very clear and easy to read. Since you clearly have this part down, I suggest strengthening the creative side of your writing. Try researching techniques to use when writing. For example, you don't always have to be so technical and grammatically correct. In a crying or high-tension scene, a writer could blend all their sentences into a run-on sentence to show the anxiety and how the events may have blurred for the protagonist. There are so many other writing techniques to use and manipulate to your use, as well as infinite diction choices to choose from. Also, how can you include imagery and sensory detail in your writing? Try to write each scene so the reading experience is enhanced for your audience.

I found no problems in this area. The story pacing was smooth and very consistent. There were no parts where I thought you rushed or crawled. Although there were a few areas (personal-reflection and emotions) that you could expand on, they were minor, and I'm mostly nitpicking here. Otherwise, well done!

"... hoping to possibly open my eyes to a new world where my mother is sweet and caring and Hidden Thoughts were actually never launched." (p.3). Although unnecessary, I suggest adding a comma for grammar purposes. Correction: "... hoping to possibly open my eyes to a new world where my mother is sweet and caring, and Hidden Thoughts were actually never launched." Additionally, is Hidden Thoughts a series of projects or one big one? If it is one, then "were" should be "was."

"My black curls normally in braids are now hanging in a soft black curtain framing my heart-shaped face, my blue eyes that are usually dull now standing out due to the black eyeliner and purple eyeshadow she has applied." (p.4). You're missing commas here, and you also have a comma splice. I suggest applying em dashes for interrupting thoughts within your clauses as well. As a reminder, a comma splice is adding two clauses together with a comma but without a conjunction. You can either replace the comma with a period, or add a conjunction. Correction: "My black curls--normally in braids--are now hanging in a soft black curtain framing my heart-shaped face, and my blue eyes that are usually dull now standing out due to the black eyeliner and purple eyeshadow she has applied." OR "My black curls--normally in braids--are now hanging in a soft black curtain framing my heart-shaped face. My blue eyes that are usually dull now stand out due to the black eyeliner and purple eyeshadow she has applied."

"The sun is dipping lower..." (p.6). Here, you're using a technique known as passive voice, which is when you describe that something is happening rather than saying something happens. Since you aren't directly describing the action and are using auxiliary/helper verbs to cushion your sentence, the impact on your audience is weaker. Instead, I suggest saying, "The sun dips lower..."

"Today, with everyone sporting a similar style in fancy dresses and jewelry, everyone looks the same." (p.8). You have some repetition here, and it makes your sentence sound awkward. I suggest replacing the second "everyone" with "they all." Suggestion: "Today, with everyone sporting a similar style in fancy dresses and jewelry, they all look the same."

"I can tell from his too big green eyes..." (p.11). You need a hyphen here. Correction: "I can tell from his too-big green eyes..."

"'... she is a really ugly thing!' She says, hatred dripping in every word." (p.12). Since the dialogue tag is a continued part of the sentence, the beginning of it shouldn't be capitalized (as it's not the beginning of a new sentence). Additionally, I suggest replacing "in" with "from." Correction/Suggestion: "'... she is a really ugly thing!' she says, hatred dripping from every word."

"We will be late Gavin..." (p.14). The main clause here is "We will be late," with the predicate "will" and subject "we." The word "Gavin" isn't included in the clause, so it should be separated with a comma. Correction: "We will be late, Gavin..."

"I want to attack her, why did she have to make everything so hard for me, but I just smile at her through gritted teeth..." (p.14). You have a comma splice here. You can either replace the comma with a period or add a conjunction. In this case, I suggest applying the former. Additionally, one of the clauses is phrased as a question, so it should end as one. Correction: "I want to attack her. Why did she have to make everything so hard for me? I just smile at her through gritted teeth..."

"... walk-in sync with me..." (p.18). The hyphen is unnecessary, and "walk" should be plural. Correction: "... walks in sync with me..."

"That is had we not reached the auditorium." (p.23). You need a comma, as the phrase "that is" is an introductory phrase separated from the main clause. Correction: "That is, had we not reached the auditorium."

"... and it would be hard not to, his face is on the front page of newspapers every day." (p.26). You have a comma splice here. Keep in mind that this mistake happens often, some of which had not been pointed out. Make sure to search for this mistake when editing later. Correction: "... and it would be hard not to. His face is on the front page of newspapers every day."

"Murmurs are starting in the crowd..." (p.40). This is a passive voice. Additionally, the verb here is weak and has a small impact. Instead, I suggest avoiding passive voice and using a stronger verb, such as saying, "Murmurs sweep the crowd..."

I can sense a lot of potential in your writing. Your first chapter was exceptionally well edited, although there were a few grammar mistakes here and there. The plot idea/concept is unique and intriguing, and you had me hooked from the first few sentences. I suggest working on the smoothness of your writing, and remember that it's okay to give yourself some leniency on writing techniques, as they can be used in any way to portray a scene or emotion.