《Essie's Critiques》Six-Leaf Clover | ncallioa
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In adjustment of every trouble being inevitable due to the Covid-19 pandemic, these two will strive to find comfort in the chaos.
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Entering senior year of high school, Monique and Justin manage to record their consecutive three years status as subtle frenemies. Even the fact that they're required to work together on the school papers is capable of adding more fuel to the fire, if not for the help of three mutual friends. But when a global crisis cuts all access to their daily drug, changes are meant to be made. And with the return of an old friend, how will they face the following challenges if it all is just the start of a new normal?
I appreciate how the image accurately represents the title, and your cover is very minimalistic. The title could be larger so that it was easily the largest font, but otherwise, it's a very neat and organized cover. In terms of creativity, as a reader, it doesn't draw me into your story. It doesn't make me curious or interested. How can you make your cover stand out in its own way? How does it represent your story or genre? You can work on polishing the cover more, or find a cover designer on Wattpad to help you.
I'm sensing that your title has a very symbolic meaning in terms of it representing your story. It's definitely an intriguing title, and although it draws me in, it's hard to understand which genre it comes from, or what kind of story your story will be. Your title doesn't have to portray all of this, but it's definitely what your cover is for and should show, as I've mentioned above.
While your blurb is short, it's also cluttered. I had to read it several times to understand the concept fully. For example, in this sentence, "Even the fact that they're required to work together on the school papers is capable of adding more fuel to the fire..." it has too much going on. I suggest cutting back on the unnecessary information to convey this message as clearly as possible. For example, you could stay instead, "Even working together on the school papers is enough to add more fuel to the fire..." Along with that, many potential readers don't want to take the time to absorb all this information all at once, especially if it comes in one big sentence. Instead, I suggest separating this paragraph into several paragraphs to make it easier to comprehend everything.
You brought me straight into your character's mindset, the potential setting, and I was able to understand the level of your writing capabilities. However, just like your blurb, your hook is cluttered. I suggest trying to focus on how to make every sentence short and concise. That means fewer filler words, and experimentation on how to make a sentence the best it can be.
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From reading your first chapter, I found some comma errors. Commas are used to separate different clauses. There are two types of clauses: Independent and dependent. They both have subjects (who/what is doing the action), and a predicate (the action being done). The difference between the two is that an independent clause can stand alone as its own sentence, while a dependent clause depends on another clause to make sense. If more than one clause is joined together, they should be separated with a comma. For example, this sentence, "I cried, then Billy ran away," there are two different independent clauses. One is "I cried," and the other is "Billy ran away." You'll notice that they're separated with a conjunction and a comma. You often misuse commas in this sense or forget to add them. Commas can also be used to separate an introductory phrase or word before the main clause. In the sentence, "Today I went to work," the independent clause is "I went to work," and you'll notice that it has a subject "I" and a predicate "went." The word "today" is excluded, and needs to be separated with a comma. The correction is: "Today, I went to work."
This wasn't an overwhelming mistake, but I still found a few comma splices. A comma splice is joining two different independent clauses together, and separating them with a comma, but not a conjunction. An example of this is: "I went to work, I drove in my car." These are two different independent clauses, "I went to work" and "I drove in my car." They both have predicates and subjects, and are separated with a comma. However, you must separate them with a conjunction as well. Without a conjunction, this turns into a comma splice. You have two options in this case. You can either replace the comma with a period and turn it into two different sentences, or add in a conjunction. In this case, the correction can be, "I went to work, and I drove in my car," or "I went to work. I drove in my car." You have many cases of comma splices in your writing, which I've pointed out for you. There were many that I haven't pointed out, so make sure to do that.
While you didn't have any typos, you often misused words. Whether confusing masculine and feminine words (typically hair colors) or a word being incorrectly used within the context of your writing, I found enough of these kinds of mistakes to have to point them out to you. In future writing, I suggest looking up the meaning of a word if you aren't 100% sure of its meaning.
I'm not completely sure of the plot yet, as I've only read the first chapter, but I was pleased with the pacing of your story so far. I could relate to the concepts that you brought together, and your story is headed in the right direction. There wasn't much that stood out to me, however. As a reader, I probably wouldn't have read past the first chapter. I would have appreciated more banter between the characters, and for you to flesh out the character in this POV more. It was all very hazy, and you focused more of the character's surroundings rather than their actual mindset.
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As I've mentioned earlier, your characters didn't stand out to me. With the characters that you introduced, I only got generic descriptions, such as hair color. These aren't things that will help me remember your characters. Instead of writing a whole paragraph about a character's physical assets, I suggest writing about their physical flaws and quirks. They seem more relatable and memorable that way.
I got a very distinct writing style from you; one that I quite enjoyed. I did find, however, that you often poorly phrased your sentences. You seemed to be writing straight from the head and didn't go back to refine the details. In this case, I highly suggest proof-reading and editing your chapters before uploading on Wattpad. That way, you can spend more time focusing on the awkward phrasing, and teach yourself how to restructure sentences to be the best they can.
I didn't get any awkward transitions from you. There weren't any repetitive transitions, although I did find the occasional "well" several times in your chapter. For future writing, just keep in mind to avoid repetition, but otherwise, your story pacing is smooth and nothing for you to be worried about.
"Well everything started when Jack Winsdorf was elected as our new principal two years ago." (p.6). You need a comma here. The word "well" is an introductory word that is separated from the main clauses, and therefore should be separated with a comma. Correction: "Well, everything started when Jack Winsdorf was elected as our new principal two years ago."
"... whenever he talks, walks, even nods." (p.6). Without a conjunction accompanying the comma here, this turns into a comma splice. Correction: "... whenever he talks, walks, or even nods."
"Aside from the record of Mr. Winsdorf being an ex-military captain, everyone has grown really fond of him even though he rarely shows himself to the public's eye." (p.8). You need a comma here to separate clauses. Correction: "Aside from the record of Mr. Winsdorf being an ex-military captain, everyone has grown really fond of him, even though he rarely shows himself to the public's eye."
"... it'll be a big fat lie if I say that he's not the best oldman-next-door you'll ever meet." (p.10). Instead of using the contraction for "it will," I suggest using the contraction for "it would." In addition, "old man" is two words, and there should be another hyphen in between. Correction: "... it'd be a big fat lie if I say that he's not the best old-man-next-door you'll ever meet."
"I look up to search for the voice and find a dirty blonde head, waving up his short arms at me." (p.15). If you write "blonde" with an "e" at the end, it's a feminine word. However, since we're talking about a guy here, "blonde" should really be "blond" to be masculine (this applies to the other times you use this word). Additionally, this is poorly phrased. You could re-structure the second part of the sentence, and it sounds like someone's head was waving an arm at someone. Correction/Suggestion: "I look up to search for the voice and find a dirty-blond, waving his short arms at me." I also added a necessary hyphen.
"I wave him back..." (p.19). This is poorly phrased as well. It sounds like she's waving her arms to get him to stand back (unless that's intentional). Correction/Suggestion: "I wave back at him..."
"... making Luke spits his iced chocolate." (p.25). The word "spit" is unnecessarily pluralized, and you're missing filler words. Correction: "... making Luke spit out his iced chocolate."
"On the other hand, Luke is the handsome English brunette..." (p.31). Unless Luke is a girl, "brunette" shouldn't be used. It is the feminine form of the French word "brun." The masculine version, although rarely used, is "brunet." Correction: "On the other hand, Luke is the handsome English brunet..."
"... meanwhile I shake my head inaccurately..." (p.42). How does one shake their head the wrong way? You seemed to have misused this word, so I suggest replacing it with something that fits more with the context.
"... Dad was traumatized for me being underage and unsupervised." (p.56). This is poorly phrased. I suggest restructuring this sentence. Suggestion: "... Dad was traumatized that I was underaged and unsupervised."
"Lucky for her..." (p.61). The word "lucky" should be conjugated correctly into this sentence, being, "Luckily for her..."
I enjoyed the pace of the first chapter and your writing style! There were still some noticeable grammar mistakes that I've pointed out, so if you focus on polishing this first chapter and learn to rephrase your awkward sentence structures, your story will have a lot of potential.
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Trouble!
In a distant world ruled by Magic, Gods, Demons, Beasts and Man, war has ravaged the land and made its people suffer. The Archonian Council comprised of the leaders of the various races decided that enough was enough and the war had to stop or at the very least, continue elsewhere. In the middle of another aimless debate, Rafflesia, Chief Warlock of the Beast Race proposed this idea: “Why don't we create another world? Let's let the idiots go all out and settle this endless war there?†And because of that unprecedented notion, the Gods, Demons, Beast Race and Man worked together to create the (planet) world Arthunium, a magical world that could withstand the full brunt of the war. A thousand years after the Golden Age War, our story begins… (Warning: This novel offers depictions of: – Gore – Torture – Mature and Suggestive Themes The novel is therefore classified by most standards of morality as something no one should read. Well, maybe if you're of legal age in your territory. Reader discretion is advised.)
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