Quinn has never seen the outside world.

Living in an orphanage with other girls, she has never seen what's past her gates. None of the girls have. Neither has she ever seen a boy.

The only world Quinn knows of is the orphanage that she's forbidden from leaving.

The only way out is to reach eighteen when the girls are offered a promotion.

As her seventeen birthday approaches, but her eighteenth birthday still far away, Quinn is offered a promotion to marry. In objection, she flees to the gate that separates her world from the real world, where she finds a badly injured boy on the outside.

With the boy's help, Quinn realizes the orphanage's truth is far more sinister than she thought.

The title font, sizing, and presentation is creative and unique. It looks professionally made, and it is intriguing enough to pull me in. The image was too dark for me to tell clearly the surroundings for a moment, so I suggest finding a better quality image or to use filters on the current one to add more to the story of the image and emphasize your cover and title.

Not only is the title unique, but it accurately represents your story, and has an air of mysteriousness that adds to your story. It portrays your genre well and matches up with your cover and blurb.

I was impressed by the conciseness of your blurb. I understood it perfectly, and there were no grammatical errors that blocked me from mis-reading anything. There were some awkward sentences in terms of how you phrased them. For example, you could get rid of "what's" entirely in the second paragraph. Be mindful of how to write each sentence the best way. That means to make it as clear as possible, minimizing filler words, and getting rid of awkward sentence structures.

I was impressed with your hook. You brought me straight into Quinn's mindset and hinted at a past loss. I got the sense of a dark mood right from the start of your story, which I suspect is unintentional, and I was interested in learning about Little May because of how subtly you brought her into the story. There was a grammatical error, but I'll point that out in your chapter reviews.

You had some comma mistakes throughout your writing. Commas are used to separate different clauses. There are two types of clauses: Independent and dependent. They both have subjects (who/what is doing the action), and a predicate (the action being done). The difference between the two is that an independent clause can stand alone as its own sentence, while a dependent clause depends on another clause to make sense. If more than one clause is joined together, they should be separated with a comma. For example, this sentence, "I cried, then Billy ran away," there are two different independent clauses. One is "I cried," and the other is "Billy ran away." You'll notice that they're separated with a conjunction and a comma. You often misuse commas in this sense or forget to add them. Commas can also be used to separate an introductory phrase or word before the main clause. In the sentence, "Today I went to work," the independent clause is "I went to work," and you'll notice that it has a subject "I" and a predicate "went." The word "today" is excluded, and needs to be separated with a comma. The correction is: "Today, I went to work."

I noticed the amount of comma splices used as well. A comma splice is joining two different independent clauses together, and separating them with a comma, but not a conjunction. An example of this is: "I went to work, I drove in my car." These are two different independent clauses, "I went to work" and "I drove in my car." They both have predicates and subjects, and are separated with a comma. However, you must separate them with a conjunction as well. Without a conjunction, this turns into a comma splice. You have two options in this case. You can either replace the comma with a period and turn it into two different sentences, or add in a conjunction. In this case, the correction can be, "I went to work, and I drove in my car," or "I went to work. I drove in my car." You have many cases of comma splices in your writing, which I've pointed out for you. There were many that I haven't pointed out, so make sure to do that.

I noticed that you had unnecessary capitalization, or you were missing capitalization in certain places. The beginning of a new sentence, a certain person, place, or thing, must always be capitalized. The next time you capitalize (or don't capitalize), keep this rule in mind.

I found a few places where you also confused your punctuation with your dialogue. If an action tag is accompanying the dialogue, it is a separate sentence, and thus should be treated as such. The opposite goes for a dialogue tag accompanying the dialogue.

Example of dialogue + dialogue tag: "'I'm okay,' she said." OR "She said, 'I'm okay.'"

Example of dialogue + action tag: "'I'm okay.' She forced a smile." OR "She forced a smile. 'I'm okay.'"

While I didn't find many typos, I did notice that you used questionable diction words in certain places that didn't fit the context. In the future, before using a word that you think sounds right, make sure to look it up if you aren't completely sure of its meaning, so you don't misuse it in your writing. I've pointed out a few examples down below.

I enjoyed and appreciated the uniqueness and originality of your plot! The pacing of the story was also enough to keep me engaged, and you thoroughly introduced each character without going overboard with descriptions. I noticed some repetition throughout your writing (which I'll address later), but otherwise, you did a wonderful job at invoking emotions from your readers, whether it be anger or happiness.

Your characters were memorable, and I appreciated how you established their ways of thinking, and how they were different from one another. Ironically, the one character I struggled to understand was Quinn. Obviously, you set her aside from the rest since she was opposed to the idea of marriage and love. However, you didn't explain why. She, along with the rest of the girls, was raised to believe that only a man could save her. Did she just naturally hate the idea, or did something happen for her to realize that this wasn't always the case? What made her think differently from the rest?

As I've mentioned earlier, you had repetition in your writing. I've pointed out a few examples down below, but in future writing, I suggest proof-reading your work to make sure there aren't repeated phrases or paragraphs (unless intentional). You also have the habit of explaining the movements of a person using their body parts. For example, you'd say something like: "Her hands pushed the girl away." This has a weak impact on your readers, and it's better to directly phrase it as: "She pushed the girl away." I've also pointed out some instances of this habit throughout your chapter critiques. You also had unnecessary filler words to describe each and every action/predicate being done. It's okay to have plain sentences, because cluttering your writing with lots of descriptions can be too much for your readers.

For the most part, I was happy with the story pace as a reader. It wasn't too fast or too slow, and you took the time to explain different events happening within an appropriate time frame. The only thing that stilted the pace of your story were your repetitions, which I've already mentioned before.

"When Quinn was eleven years old, she had a sister named little May." (p.1). Since "little" is part of the title of her sister, it should be capitalized as well. Correction: "When Quinn was eleven years old, she had a sister named Little May."

"But one thing about Little May that Quinn would never forget is her determination in seeing the outside world. Freedom is what she wanted the most." (p.3). You slipped up on your tense use here. At first, you were implying to Little May as though she wasn't around anymore, but here you use present tense, as though she's still here. Correction: "But one thing about Little May that Quinn would never forget was her determination in seeing the outside world. Freedom was what she wanted the most."

"... more than any other girls in the orphanage." (p.4). Here, "girl" shouldn't be plural. Correction: "... more than any other girl in the orphanage."

In paragraph 5, "rebuttal" properly conjugated should be "rebut."

"Quinn recalled shooting down the girls' hopes and dreams of the outside world..." (p.6). I suspect you're referring to Little May, so the apostrophe is misplaced. By putting it at the end of "girls," you're saying that these are the hopes and dreams of many girls, not one. Correction: "Quinn recalled shooting down the girl's hopes and dreams of the outside world..."

In paragraph 13, "little" should be capitalized in "little May."

"Now the strange part was that no one ever dared question it." (p.6). You're missing a necessary comma here. The word "now" is an introductory word in front of the main clause, and therefore should be separated with a comma. Correction: "Now, the strange part was that no one ever dared question it."

"Unlike her sisters, Quinn didn't bother to prepare for the Council's appearance as she knew they'd never choose her." (p.11). You're missing a comma in this sentence. Correction: "Unlike her sisters, Quinn didn't bother to prepare for the Council's appearance, as she knew they'd never choose her."

"Not because her sister had a low chance of leaving the orphanage but because she didn't want her to go." (p.14). You need a comma here. There are two clauses here. One is "her sister had a low chance of leaving the orphanage," and it has a subject "her sister" and a predicate "had." The second clause is "she didn't want her to go," and the subject is "she" and the predicate is "didn't." These two clauses are joined with the conjunction "but" and should be separated with a comma. Take notice of how the comma usually accompanies the conjunction. Correction: "Not because her sister had a low chance of leaving the orphanage, but because she didn't want her to go."

In paragraph 15, you mentioned the color "brown" twice. It's not a lot of repetition, but it's enough to get noticed. What other synonyms can you replace "brown" with to spice up the descriptions?

In paragraph 22, you have repetition with the phrase "most of the time." Try to avoid this.

"Especially, if he's a good man..." (p.25). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "Especially if he's a good man..."

"All except for Quinn listened to her sister's words in malice." (p.33). Here, you're essentially saying everyone listened to the sister with malice. I'm sure you meant that only Quinn listened with malice. You also have a misused filler word. Correction: "All except for Quinn, who listened to her sister's words with malice."

"In fact, they're not here for you either so how about you enjoy your youth?" (p.46). You're missing a comma here. Correction: "In fact, they're not here for you either, so how about you enjoy your youth?"

"Today I am proud..." (p.55). You need a comma here. "Today" is an introductory word that is separate from the main clause, and therefore should be separated with a comma. Correction: "Today, I am proud..."

"Five simple yet foreign words." (p.5). You're missing a comma here. Correction: "Five simple, yet foreign words."

"Sister Gabriella was one of the guardians that supervised the girls." (p.9). I suggest replacing the word "that" with the word "who." Correction: "Sister Gabriella was one of the guardians who supervised the girls."

"... and she slowly lowered her arms onto her dress, her feet shuffled towards the woman." (p.12). Instead of describing that Quinn's body part did something, I suggest directly saying that Quinn did it. Along with that, this is a comma splice. A comma splice is combining two or more clauses with a comma, without a proper conjunction. In this case, you can either replace the comma with a period, or add the conjunction "and" with the comma. Correction: "... and she slowly lowered her arms onto her dress. She shuffled towards the woman." I chose the former option to avoid the repetition of "and." This is optional, but highly suggested.

"The council chose you for a good reason, that alone should calm your unsettling nerves." (p.19). This is also a comma splice. You can either replace the comma with a period/semicolon, or add a necessary conjunction along with the comma. Correction: "The council chose you for a good reason, and that alone should calm your unsettling nerves." OR "The council chose you for a good reason. That alone should calm your unsettling nerves." OR "The council chose you for a good reason; that alone should calm your unsettling nerves."

"Her worries from earlier brushed off as sister Nora's words rang in her head repeatedly." (p.33). Here, I suggest you replace "off" with "away." The word "sister" should also be capitalized as well. Correction: "Her worries from earlier brushed away as Sister Nora's words rang in her head repeatedly."

"This boy will be your husband and the father of your children and you the mother of his." (p.42). You need a comma here. Correction: "This boy will be your husband and the father of your children, and you the mother of his."

"'This girl is too skinny, I can see her bones peeking out.' Sister Norah snapped..." (p.53). You have a comma splice here. Additionally, unless Sister Norah physically snapped her fingers, the punctuation ending the dialogue is incorrect. Correction: "'This girl is too skinny. I can see her bones peeking out,' Sister Norah snapped..."

"'Her eyes,' Sister Nora looked appalled. 'Why she looks like the Chinese.'" (p.57). The action tag accompanying the dialogue should be its own sentence, so the punctuation ending the dialogue is incorrect. You also need a comma. Correction: "'Her eyes.' Sister Nora looked appalled. 'Why, she looks like the Chinese.'"

"'It's hideous,' Sister Nora fastened her glower at Sister Magnolia. 'Markdown eyelid surgery.'" (p.59). Again, the punctuation ending the dialogue is incorrect. "Mark down" should be two words as well. Correction: "'It's hideous.' Sister Nora fastened her glower at Sister Magnolia. 'Mark down eyelid surgery.'"

"... followed by traitor tears." (p.68). You need to properly conjugate "traitor" into the context of this sentence. Correction: "... followed by traitorous tears."

"Marry a man she'd never met before and succumb to the life of a wife all for the success of a doctor or be kicked and endure a life of failure." (p.3). You're missing a comma here, and you're missing a necessary filler word. Correction: "Marry a man she'd never met before and succumb to the life of a wife all for the success of a doctor, or be kicked out and endure a life of failure."

"Yet, she didn't let Quinn get away with being stripped and humiliated in front of those women." (p.12). You have an unnecessary comma here. Additionally, this sentence is actually a continued thought from the previous sentence, and should be technically a continuation of the sentence. Correction: "... why the Reverend let Zhara use her religion to get away with praying to the Council, yet didn't let Quinn get away with being stripped and humiliated in front of those women."

"'Why?' She begged though she reviewed no response." (p.13). "Reviewed" should be replaced by "received," and "she" shouldn't be capitalized, as it isn't the start of a new sentence. You also need a comma here. Correction: "'Why?' she begged, though she received no response."

In paragraph 17, you misspelled the word "sight" as "sigh."

In paragraph 31, "Little May" should be fully capitalized.

"Now she never dared to speak of it." (p.32). You need a comma here. Correction: "Now, she never dared to speak of it."

In paragraph 35, "little" needs to be capitalized in "Little May." It's part of her title, even if not officially her name, so it should stay capitalized. This applies to the other times you mention this as well throughout your chapters (such as in paragraph 36).

"The minute little May's foot joined the other side. She was doomed for eternal death." (p.1). This is a continued thought and should not be separated with a period. Correction: "The minute Little May's foot joined the other side, she was doomed for eternal death." I also capitalized "Little."

"... she sauntered cautiously to the person." (p.9). The word "sauntered" means to walk in a slow, relaxed manner. I suspect that Quinn is anything but relaxed in this moment, so I suggest finding an alternative better suited for the context in this situation.

"Quinn kneeled beside the body, her hands pressed against their side as she rolled them over." (p.12). This is a comma splice. You should replace the comma with a period, or add in a conjunction with the comma. I also suggest directly saying that Quinn did something, rather than her body part doing something. Correction/Suggestion: "Quinn kneeled beside the body. She pressed against their side as she rolled them over." OR "Quinn kneeled beside the body, and she pressed against their side as she rolled them over."

"His face was contorted in pain at every slight movement..." (p.14). You're using passive voice here. Passive voice is saying that something was done, rather than directly stating that something happened. I suggest you refrain from using this technique, as it has a weaker impact on your audience. Suggestion: "His face contorted in pain at every slight movement..."

"... his eyes fastened open." (p.15). You misused the word "fastened" here. Fastened is to close up or fix upon something. I suggest finding the correct alternative here, such as "his eyes shot open" or "fluttered open."