"The stars are singing again, I can hear them."

Yoongi can hear the song of the stars as they twinkle and sparkle and swell with scorching heat. Yoongi can smell the deadly vapours of Venus without facing instant death and sense the raging storm happening in Jupiter as if he were in the very middle of it. Yoongi can feel the silent pain of the Moon as she dwells in the darkness away from the loving warmth of the Sun. Yoongi can feel and hear and sense everything in the universe.

But what's worse is that he can play with it all easily as if he were playing a complex game of chess against a child.

One day, Yoongi meets a man. Who tells him of another world.

"Can you take me there?"

I enjoyed the color scheme and mood of the cover used, but the photo quality is really hazy and blurry. I don't know if that's purposeful or not, but it does throw me off a bit. The title doesn't stand out as much as it should, and overall, it doesn't draw me in as much as it should. The decision is up to you, but if you're open to it, I suggest going to a cover designer on Wattpad for a new cover.

I really resonate with your story title! It's very poetic sounding, and it isn't a common title, especially on the Wattpad platform. I can see how it relates and represents your story as well, so well done here! (Additionally, "of" and "the" shouldn't be capitalized in a title).

Like your title, your blurb has a very whimsical and poetic feel. However, there were some awkward phrases and grammatical errors throughout your blurb. What I suggest doing is separating your sentences into several paragraphs, especially with the repetition of each sentence starting with "Yoongi." That way, it's easier for potential readers to absorb the information without feeling like they're being hit with it all at once. For the quote you used at the top, you used a comma splice. A comma splice is a grammatical error where you combine to separate clauses together with a comma without a proper conjunction. If you're combining separate, independent clauses together, you need either a conjunction, or to separate them with a period. The correct way to write it would be: 'The stars are singing again. I can hear them." You also confused plural and singular words. For example, "sense" should be "senses." (and you also have repetition of the word). You have extra, unnecessary spaces through your writing as well.

Your hook was very philosophical and poetic! I enjoyed the in-depth, thoughtful rhetorical questions, and you had me intrigued from the first sentence. There was some excessive detail that took away from the focus of the hook, however. It was hard to absorb the information because the flow of the hook kept breaking up from the descriptions you provided every sentence or two.

I saw a wonderful improvement with your punctuation and capitalization errors with your dialogue! There were still a few spots where you had a mistake or two in this area, but I'm sure that these are just accidental slip-ups. I've pointed them out for you in the chapter reviews below. Just as a recap, remember that action tags are separate sentences from the dialogue, and dialogue tags are continuations of a dialogue sentence. You still had some comma errors as well, often with misplaced commas. In short, keep in mind that commas should be separating independent or dependent clauses. Both independent and dependent clauses have a subject (who is doing the action) and a predicate (the action being done). If you combine two or more clauses together, joined with a conjunction, you should use a comma to separate them. Commas are also used to separate introductory phrases or words from the main clause. For example, in the sentence, "Today I went to work," there is a main independent clause "I went to work." You'll notice that it has both a predicate and a subject. The word "today" is left out from the main clause, and should be separated with a comma. Correction: "Today, I went to work."

Along with that, you often slipped up in your tense. Whether your story is set in past or present tense, you need to pick one and stay in it. If you're in past tense, you should use words such as "didn't" and "wanted." If you're writing in present tense, you should use, "don't" and "want." I've shown a few examples where you slipped up your tense below, so keep this rule in mind for future writing.

For the smaller details, I noticed that you often used passive voice and comma splices in your writing. I'll explain more about passive voice later on, but a comma splice is combining two independent clauses together with a comma, and leaving out a conjunction. An example of this is, "I went to work, I drove in my car." There should either be a conjunction between the two clauses, or the comma should be replaced with a period.

For the most part, I didn't see a lot of typos or misspellings. However, I did find several instances where you misused a filler word, and I did find the occasional typo in your writing. I did point these down in your chapter reviews, so make sure to correct them.

You had in-depth world building here! The plot is unique and interesting, and you transported me to an unfamiliar world. You did a wonderful job at it (except for the purple prose, but I'll get to that later), and I became engaged in the story. I did find that you wrote all your characters in a similar way, especially with the male characters. You reused similar descriptions for each of them, and I found that particularly with their dialogues, they all spoke the same way. Despite this being your writing voice, I suggest writing each character differently. That way, they're easier to remember one from another, and they have their own character sparks.

Just as I've mentioned above, you need to differentiate your characters from one another. You had them all speak in the same way, and it became hard to understand who was who. Don't focus so much on the physical aspects of who they are. Instead, try to establish their personalities, habits, and little quirks that set them aside from one another. Other than that, I enjoyed the interaction between your characters, and I especially got to bond with Yoongi and Seokjin.

Now, onto the purple prose. Your writing style is so gorgeous. It's vivid and descriptive and is unique from other writing styles. However, you have way too many descriptions crowding your writing. It's getting in the way of the actual story building, and I was distracted by how you wrote paragraphs about one thing at a time. Because of that, the story pace was slow, and you often had a lot of repetition. I found that you used colors to describe things in almost every paragraph, and while this helps it become more vivid, it also becomes very distracting and repetitive for your readers. I suggest keeping the color descriptions to a minimum, and focus on the actual story progression.

As I mentioned above, your purple prose is part of why your story pace was very slow. You had a lot of repetition going on, and it was hard to remember the events that happened, simply because there was too much going on at once with your purple prose. I also found that you used common transition words, especially the word, "then." I suggest finding new ways to replace this term to avoid repetition.

In paragraph 6, rather than saying, "You think:" I suggest saying, "You'd think." It's not a guarantee that it's true for your readers, and since you're writing in present tense, and you're presenting a possibility, it should be "You'd" instead of "you."

In paragraph 9, "per-say" should actually be "per se," without a hyphen.

"He doesn't believe that they hide under your bed, inside your closet." (p.9). This is a comma splice. As a reminder, a comma splice is joining two clauses together without a conjunction. This means they should have a conjunction in between, or simply be separated with a period. Correction: "He doesn't believe that they hide under your bed, or inside your closet."

"He believes that they are born in your head, they are born from the inner whirlpool of your own mind." (p.10). Again, this is a comma splice. Either have a conjunction to separate the two clauses, or write it as two sentences.

"... the monsters laughs as Yoongi screeches at him not to kill so many." (p.13). I believe you made a typo with the word monster, as it should be singular. Correction: "... the monster laughs as Yoongi screeches at him not to kill so many."

In paragraph 16, "blackholes" should actually be two words, "black holes." Along with that, keep in mind that there is only one sun. Unless you're aiming for talking about suns that haven't been discovered yet.

Check paragraph 19; you have a typo in the word "slight."

"Imagine being able to control and feel the very Earth and dirt you walked upon." (p.20). You have a tense slip-up here. This is present tense, but you slipped into past tense. Correction: "Imagine being able to control and feel the very Earth and dirt you walk upon."

"... like blackholes and moons and solar systems and infinite galaxies and hot comets and meteors and stars and life forms billions of light years away." (p.22). You need some commas here. Correction: "... like black holes and moons and solar systems, and infinite galaxies and hot comets and meteors, and stars and life forms billions of light years away."

In paragraph 25, you have tense slip-ups. From paragraphs 23-25, you started writing in past tense. Make sure to correct this.

Unless you're purposefully personifying the sun as a person or a being, "sun" shouldn't be capitalized. I'd love to know if it's intentional or not! And if it is, make sure to keep it consistent. The same applies for the moon, as sometimes you capitalize on it, and other times you don't.

"He knows and he see's and he feels." (p.31). By using an apostrophe, you're saying, "see is," which doesn't make sense. Correction: "He knows, and he sees and he feels." I also added a necessary comma.

"He sometimes felt he isn't even safe from himself, and during those times he would decide to dunk his head under the bath-water until all the thoughts of supernovas and aureole and blackholes left his mind." (p.34). You have an unnecessary hyphen here, and you have tense slip-ups here. Correction: "He sometimes feels he isn't even safe from himself, and during those times he would decide to dunk his head under the bath water until all the thoughts of supernovas and aureole and black holes leaves his mind." Along with that, I find that you're using the same references over and over again throughout the chapters. For example, I've read the word "black holes" so many times that I've lost count. I suggest refraining from this repetition. You don't need to have purple prose in every paragraph, and I suggest trying to tone things down to avoid repetition with comparisons.

"And it's as he remembers his sweet mother that his swollen red-giant of a heart throbs with raw emotion..." (p.46). You don't need the hyphen here, and I suggest adding a comma. Correction: "And it's as he remembers his sweet mother that his swollen, red giant of a heart throbs with raw emotion..."

In paragraph 50, "hyperventilating" is one word, and doesn't need a hyphen. Along with that, in paragraph 51, you're missing a filler word, and it should be written as, "And they'll never come back." or "And they never came back." Since he's still recalling his memory of something that happened in the past, from paragraph 50 to the end should be all written in past tense.

"Yoongi walks about, head hung low and shoulders hunched, during the bittersweet night." (p.3). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "Yoongi walks about, head hung low and shoulders hunched during the bittersweet night." In addition, in the same paragraph, you started the next sentence with "Yoongi" as well, although his name is already referenced. In this case, you can replace his name with the subject pronoun "he" in the next sentence.

"... austere, musical and raspy." (p.7). You're missing a comma here. Correction: "... austere, musical, and raspy."

"Can't do what? The moon asks him..." (p.9). Since the thought is accompanied with a dialogue/thought tag, the beginning of the dialogue tag shouldn't be capitalized, as it isn't the beginning of a new sentence. Correction: "Can't do what? the moon asks him..."

"You are alone in this world but you weren't meant for this world, were you?" (p.13). You're missing a comma. There are two main clauses here. One is "You are alone in this world," and the other is, "You weren't meant for this world." These two clauses are separated with a conjunction, as they both have a predicate (an action) and a subject. However, there should still be a comma to separate them. Correction: "You are alone in this world, but you weren't meant for this world, were you?"

"Yoongi whips his head around, almost snapping his neck in the process and he sees a beautiful man standing there; watching him." (p.20). You need a comma here. Take notice of the fact that most times, commas accompany conjunctions. Correction: "Yoongi whips his head around, almost snapping his neck in the process, and he sees a beautiful man standing there; watching him."

"And his lustrous, silver-tinsel hair was also quite an odd sight to Yoongi's eyes." (p.20). You have a tense slip-up here. Correction: "And his lustrous, silver-tinsel hair is also quite an odd sight for Yoongi's eyes." I also replaced a filler word with something more appropriate to the context.

"Yoongi shouldn't say a word, he should ignore the stranger. So he says..." (p.27). You have a comma splice here. Along with that, since his body is contradicting his mind, "so" should be replaced with "but." Correction: "Yoongi shouldn't say a word. He should ignore the stranger. But he says..." OR "Yoongi shouldn't say a word; he should ignore the stranger. But he says..."

"Yes, hyung." (p.31). Since the word, "hyung", is a title for "brother" or referencing a guy speaking to a guy older than him, it should be capitalized. Correction: "Yes, Hyung." Along with that, if Seokjin is older than Yoongi, Yoongi should never call him by his name, "Seokjin." His title should stay "Hyung", as not using the title can be disrespectful.

"You're acting like you believe me, it's confusing me." (p.37). This is another comma splice. Correction: "You're acting like you believe me, and it's confusing me." OR "You're acting like you believe me. It's confusing me."

In paragraph 38, you have unnecessary capitalization with the word, "perhaps."

"Hope that Yoongi wasn't going to do what Seokjin thought he was going to do." Since this seems more like a question for clarification, the punctuation should end the sentence with a question mark.

"... and Yoongi feels... He doesn't know how he feels." (p.2). When using an ellipsis, the next word here shouldn't be capitalized. It should only be capitalized when it can stand alone as its own sentence. For example, in the sentence: "I don't know... You tell me," the "You" is capitalized because these two clauses can be their own sentences, as "I don't know. You tell me." However, for your sentence, "Yoongi feels," cannot stand alone as its own sentence. Therefore, the beginning of the next clause shouldn't be capitalized after the ellipsis. I hope this makes sense! Correction: "... and Yoongi feels... he doesn't know how he feels."

"Another cheeky smile, 'Watch.'" (p.9). Since the tag coming before the dialogue is an action tag, the dialogue should be a separate sentence from it. Correction: "Another cheeky smile. 'Watch.'"

"Seokjin steps on the water, his foot should've went through but instead it sets perfectly on the water, as the water turns into..." (p.10). You have a comma splice here, you misused a filler word, and you need a comma. You also have an unnecessary comma. Correction: "Seokjin steps on the water. His foot should've gone through, but instead it sets perfectly on the water as the water turns into..."

"But it is! The moon says..." (p.12). Since the dialogue tag is a continuation of the thought, the beginning of the dialogue/thought tag should not be capitalized. Correction: "But it is! the moon says..."

"... and ice... Is everywhere." (p.13). As I've mentioned above, since these two parts of the sentence cannot stand alone as individual sentences, capitalization is not needed here. Correction: "... and ice... is everywhere."

"An unknown magical melody was heard in the very back of Yoongi's head as Seokjin dances..." (p.15). You have a tense slip-up here. Along with that, you're using passive voice. Passive voice is when you say that something was done, rather than saying something happened. The latter has a better impact on those reading your story, so I suggest refraining from using passive voice. Correction/Suggestion: "Yoongi hears an unknown, magical melody in the back of his head as Seokjin dances..."

"... Seokjin nods, makes a little gesture that tells Yoongi to ask his question." (p.23). You have a comma splice here. Either conjugate the verb properly into the context, or add a conjunction between the clauses. Correction: "... Seokjin nods, and makes a little gesture that tells Yoongi to ask his question." OR "... Seokjin nods, making a little gesture that tells Yoongi to ask his question."

"I'm not from here Yoongi..." (p.24). You need a comma here. Correction: "I'm not from here, Yoongi..."

"There is a world, where I can take you." (p.26). You don't need the comma here. Correction: "There is a world where I can take you."

"Yoongi asks, as they walk through the serene night." (p.38). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "Yoongi asks as they walk through the serene night."

In the next few paragraphs after paragraph 39, you have a repetition of repeating, "Seokjin." You don't need to do this; rather, it's better to replace his name with a subject pronoun, "he."

"... is Seokjin's instant reply and Yoongi freezes." (p.45). You're missing a comma here. Correction: "... is Seokjin's instant reply, and Yoongi freezes."