Ava was just an ordinary girl living an ordinary life in an ordinary world. She was tired of it , she desired for adventure and the extraordinary. One day , she was on her evening stroll , when she saw a white bunny ; she loved bunnies and ran after it and followed it into a large tunnel... Before she knew it she was falling down a deep dark hole...

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"Welcome to the wonderland~ How are you doing miss ?~" A beautiful enticing voice in the dark asked her. She could hear an enchanting song playing faintly in the background..

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She meets a lot of new and eccentric people while trying to find a way to get back home from the deep dark hell known as Wonderland~

The way you presented the photo and title was very organized, but I got the sense that the cover felt more like a slideshow than an actual story cover. There should be more creativity here with the filters used, how the photo is cropped, and how the title is presented. I suggest taking the time to make your cover more interesting, or you can go to a cover designer on Wattpad to help you out.

The title here definitely shows a connection with the story. It's the most obvious title for your story. However, it isn't the most original. This is a title that many writers will default to with the relation of the story, and it doesn't make me more interested than any other story title. It could also be because of the presentation of the title of your cover that makes it uninteresting. You can keep it as it is, but I suggest changing the cover to better present the title, or find a new title that is appealing and connects with the story differently.

Your blurb was at an acceptable length, which I appreciated. However, there were several grammatical issues going on. For example, you had unnecessary spaces between your words and your commas. The commas should not have extra spaces before or after them. You also included tildes in unnecessary spots in your blurb. A tilde is used when referencing something or showing that something is equal to something else. You incorrectly used these here. The quote used was also randomly placed. You should only include the quote if it hooks in potential readers, contributes to the plot, and/or both, and it should go in the correct order that matches with your blurb. In your blurb, I get the sense that the quote should either come before the blurb or after, and not in between. You also had capitalization issues with your dialogue and several comma splices. A comma splice is when you connect two clauses using a clause without a proper conjunction. An example of this is: "I walked home, I saw the lights on." Comma splices were common in your blurb, and you should either use a conjunction along with the comma, or replace the comma with a period. Along with that, if this is the rewritten story of Alice in Wonderland, try to change a few aspects of it in your blurb. The only thing that changed in it was her name. If you know that this rewrite is different from the original, make sure to include the differences in the blurb so potential readers can be intrigued with new concepts involved. From reading your five chapters, I learned that this is a dark retake on the original story, and that Ava had, in fact, been to Wonderland when she was younger! This information is interesting, so I do wonder why you hadn't included that in your blurb. It's important to the blurb, and you should include information differing from the original story. I didn't learn anything new about this new retake on Alice in Wonderland from the original.

You had a very gentle approach with starting your story. It wasn't the best beginning you could have written. For example, since it starts with Ava reading a book, the hook could be a scene with the protagonist of the story she's reading in some kind of action. That way, you can pump up your readers and make the hook more exciting. Show your readers that Ava is reading a book, don't tell them. It could even be that she's reading a story about a girl falling down a rabbit hole to excite your readers with all these hints and connections. I also found some comma splices and grammatical errors, but I'll address those in your chapter reviews.

I noticed that you struggled with your use of commas. Oftentimes, you misplaced commas, used unnecessary commas, or were missing commas in a sentence. Comma uses can vary depending on the type of clause. An independent clause has a subject (someone/something doing the action) and a predicate (the action that is being done by the subject). An independent clause also doesn't depend on another clause to make sense; it can be its own sentence. For example, the clause, "I cried," has a subject, "I," and a predicate, "cried." If two independent clauses are joined together with a conjunction, they should be separated with a comma. For example, the sentence, "I cried then Billy ran away," has two independent clauses. One is "I cried, and the other is "Billy ran away." These two clauses are joined with the conjunction "then," and should be separated from one another. The correction would be: "I cried, then Billy ran away." Now, a dependent clause is just like an independent clause. But while it also has a subject and a predicate, it depends on another clause to make sense. For example, it doesn't make sense for the clause "I said," to be a sentence by itself. Although it has a subject and a predicate, it's connected to another clause. Dependent clauses should also still be separated from other clauses with a comma. Commas can also separate introductory words or phrases from a main clause. For example, in the sentence, "Today I went to work," the independent clause here is, "I went to work." It has the subject, "I," and the predicate, "went." You'll notice that the word "today" isn't included in the class. Therefore, it should be separated from the clause with a comma. The correction is: "Today, I went to work."

A common comma issue you had was your comma splices. A comma splice is combining two separate clauses without a proper conjunction, only with a comma. An example of this is, "I went to work, I drove in my car." These are two separate clauses and ideas, and should either be separated with a period instead of a comma, or the comma should be accompanied with a conjunction. The correction can be: "I went to work, and I drove in my car," OR "I went to work. I drove in my car." I'll point out several examples of your comma splices in your chapter reviews.

You also had trouble with your capitalization and punctuation with your dialogues. Like I've mentioned earlier, it doesn't make sense for the clause, "I said" to be a sentence by itself. You would want to know what was being said. The clause, "I said," is a dialogue tag, and usually accompanies a dialogue (it is part of the entire sentence, including the dialogue). A dialogue tag is an accompaniment to the dialogue that describes the way something is being said. A few examples include, "She said," "he yelled," and "they growled." Since dialogue tags are part of the dialogue sentence, the beginning of the dialogue tag is never capitalized (as it's not the beginning of a new sentence), unless it comes before the dialogue itself. For the punctuation of the dialogue, unless it comes after the dialogue tag, it can end in any punctuation but a period. The opposite goes for an action tag. An action tag is an action that accompanies the dialogue, a few examples being, "he walked away," "she sighed," and "they grinned." Action tags are separate sentences, and shouldn't be included with the dialogue. That means the beginning of the action tag should always be capitalized, as it's the beginning of a new sentence. The punctuation, unless coming after the action tag, should always end in anything but a comma.

Example of dialogue + dialogue tag: "'I'm okay,' she said." OR "She said, 'I'm okay.'"

Example of dialogue + action tag: "'I'm okay.' She forced a smile." OR "She forced a smile. 'I'm okay.'"

You also forgot to capitalize on very basic things, such as specific people, places, and things. Names are always capitalized. For example, there were many instances where you left out capitalizing "Ava," "Twiddle-Dee," or "Wonderland." You also had unnecessary spaces, and I've pointed them in your chapter reviews.

Another huge thing I noticed was your use of tildes. A tilde is a squiggle line (~), and I found them often throughout your story. Every single one of your tildes were inaccurately placed. I'll explain more about what tildes are exactly, what they should be used for, and what you're doing wrong with them.

While I didn't find many typos, I did find that you used a lot of text slang, such as "nvm," or "yk," or "sm." In writing a story, these are technically considered typos, since text slang doesn't belong in a story at all. They're unprofessional and have nothing to do with the plot. It's not like you go around in real life, saying "n-v-m." You would just say, "nevermind." Text slang is only for texting, so unless the story is written through texts, it has no place in your story. Along with that, you misused several filler words, which I've pointed down below in your chapter reviews.

I was not expecting such a dark twist on this story! I enjoyed the sinister descriptions of usually jolly characters, and I was introduced to a new world. However, I couldn't familiarize myself with it. You didn't stop to describe the scenery in depth, only choosing to focus on the dialogues between your characters. I didn't get the general mood of Wonderland, only for its inhabitants. I also would have liked to see more of Ava's life before falling down the rabbit hole. That way, I would have been able to discern what her normal life looked like, and how alarming this sudden change must have been for her. You rushed the first chapter, and I suggest you slow down to give the readers an idea of Ava's life before all this happened. You also fooled me with the originality of this story. From reading the blurb, I perceived that this would be a rewritten story of Alice in Wonderland, and that the events would be all written in the same order, just with a different style. However, you incorporated different ideas, concepts, and events into this story that made it come to life. I would have liked to see this in your blurb as well.

Just like describing Ava's surroundings, you also seemed to have trouble describing your characters. In the first chapter, you wrote about Ava changing and described her physical attributes in painstaking detail, and as a reader, I would have skipped over that part. Your readers did not come to read about Ava's beauty and specific clothing for the day. I would have wanted to learn more about who she is on the inside. For the rest of the characters, particularly the ones introduced in Wonderland, you rushed their introductions. Introducing a new character is all about timing, but you wrote that they met for about five seconds, then moved onto the next thing. I wanted to see more detail for me to connect to, but I felt very disconnected from your characters because of this. You also didn't put a lot of sides to your characters. For example, who is Ava? Not just as a girl; who really is she? Is she smart, mature, and logical? You're always contradicting yourself. For example, you wrote that she had learned to protect herself, but always tried to avoid danger. Then, in the next paragraph, you wrote that she saw a bunny, and, as a vulnerable girl all alone in a supposedly dangerous area, she impulsively chased after it. Why would she chase after a bunny, unless she's a child? It's not very logical for an adult or even a teenager to do. If she had a connection or pull to the animal, then describe it as she's chasing the bunny. This will help the readers understand her actions.

It was very hard for me to appreciate your writing voice, although I could tell it was unique. You had so many grammar errors littering your writing that most of your sentences didn't make sense, and because of this, the narrative became stilted and forgettable. Just by doing some research on your own and clearing up your grammar mistakes, your writing voice will improve drastically. You also had many repetitive phrases, and I've mentioned them in your chapter reviews. Make sure to take note of them and avoid them in the future.

Your transitions were very blunt and awkward. You often used words such as "just then," or "suddenly." It became increasingly repetitive. I could also see that you were struggling when you tried to change subjects, and the subject changes happened very unnaturally. I suggest experimenting with different scene changes, and you can read stories from your favorite authors to see how they do this. The pacing of the story was also very rushed, as I've mentioned before. It seemed as though Ava was meeting someone new every chapter, and you didn't give me enough time to get used to the previous new character. Therefore, it was hard to connect and become engaged in the story.

"Ava was alone reading on her bed snuggled in a comfy blanket." (p.1). You need a comma here to separate the different clauses. Correction: "Ava was alone reading on her bed, snuggled in a comfy blanket."

"It was the climax scene where everything was exciting, she was on the edge of her seat completely invested in the book." (p.1). You have a comma splice here, as well as missing a necessary comma. Additionally, as I've mentioned before, show, don't tell. Correction: "It was the climax scene where everything was exciting, and she was on the edge of her seat, completely invested in the book." OR "It was the climax scene where everything was exciting. She was on the edge of her seat, completely invested in the book."

"'I'm bored... Sarah's not here too... What should I do...?' She thought to herself." (p.2). Since this is a thought and not spoken out loud, the dialogue markings are unnecessary here. Along with that, by capitalizing the beginning of "She thought to herself," you're essentially saying that it is its own sentence. It doesn't make sense for the dialogue tag to be its own sentence, as it's actually a continuation of the thought. That means it shouldn't be capitalized, as it isn't the beginning of a new sentence. Correction: "I'm bored... Sarah's not here too... What should I do...? she thought to herself."

"'Maybe I'll go on a walk,' She thought to herself and stared out the window for a bit, she could see the outline of the mountains far away." (p.3). Again, the beginning of the dialogue tag shouldn't be capitalized, as it's not the start of a new sentence. If you look, you correctly ended the dialogue with a comma, which shows that "she" is still a continuation of the sentence. You don't need dialogue markings, because those are for dialogues. You also have a comma splice. Correction: "Maybe I'll go on a walk, she thought to herself, and stared out the window for a bit. She could see the outline of the mountains far away." I also added a necessary comma.

"'The weather's perfect for a walk~,' She thought to herself and got off the bed." (p.3). You have a mistake here with the use of the tilde. The beginning of the dialogue/thought tag shouldn't be capitalized, and you have a weak verb use, "got." Rather, it's better to use "stood" or some other stronger verb. You also have a repetition of the dialogue/thought tag "she thought to herself..." as you've said it twice in the same paragraph and more before that. Try to change things up and have Ava talk out loud to herself instead of constantly thinking. Correction: "The weather's perfect for a walk, she thought to herself and [stood up from] the bed."

I don't understand the purpose of mentioning Ava's wardrobe change. It doesn't contribute to the plot at all, and your readers didn't come here to read about Ava's hair and clothing. You can mention her characteristics and physical attributions in a passing, such as mentioning her hair or clothes as she leaves for her walk. But you shouldn't dedicate a whole part in describing her because it can be boring for your readers. And if Ava is very beautiful, you should describe how she is beautiful. But make sure not to write a whole paragraph about her beauty, because that's cliche, generic, and boring to read about. Find different ways to include these small details.

In paragraph 5, you should write out numbers to look more professional and less lazy. Along with that, try to elaborate on what kind of dangers Ava prepared herself for.

"She ran after it carefully not thinking too much about it." (p.6). You need a comma here. Correction: "She ran after it carefully, not thinking too much about it." Along with that, in the previous paragraph, you wrote that she prepared herself for dangers but tried to avoid them, and you're contradicting that with this sentence. Unless Ava is a child, it doesn't make sense for her to randomly run after a bunny alone in a supposedly dangerous area when she's generally a person to "avoid conflict". You shouldn't base the events completely off the original story. Try to add your own ideas and reasoning as to why Ava would chase after the bunny.

In paragraph 7, you need to capitalize Ava's name.

In paragraph 11, you should write out the full word "minutes."

In paragraph 2, you shouldn't use text slang to write in your story. That means the word "tho" should be fully written as "though." You also have unnecessary ellipsis' and should remove them. An ellipsis should only be used for suspense, but you're overdoing it and separating random clauses.

"'Don't be afraid~Look around! You'll see what a truly wonderful place wonderland is!' The girl said in the same soft friendly and enticing voice." (p.3). The tilde is incorrectly used here. You need commas in the dialogue tag, and the beginning of the dialogue tag shouldn't be capitalized. Correction: "'Don't be afraid. Look around! You'll see what a truly wonderful place wonderland is!' the girl said in the same soft, friendly, and enticing voice."

In paragraph 5, since "white rabbit" is used as a name/title for the little girl, it should be properly capitalized as "White Rabbit."