《Essie's Critiques》We Take It Back | _R-M-Kempnich_

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Recently orphaned and placed under the reluctant care of her aunt, Marley Vera moves to Dencis, a small town located three hours from Melbourne, Victoria.

With tensions rising between the aunt and niece duo Marley enrols herself into a three week workshop camp for youths, where the hopeful end result leads to a job out of Dencis.

That's the plan anyways, and one Marley begins to doubt when she arrives at a camp barely holding on by the seams. That and the loud neighbours, construction developers hoping to turn the surrounding forest into an expansion of the town.

Marley doesn't think it could get much worse, but when she hears of an old mystery surrounding Dencis Forest Marley -alongside new friends- finds herself in a race against the clock to find the one thing that could help take back Dencis Forest and save it from destruction.

From the way the title is presented to the photo, I can see that it's very professional and well made. It seems to hold a significant meaning to your story, and it draws in the right audience here.

Not only is your title unique and has a nice ring to it, it's also relevant to your story and holds great significance! Upon reading your blurb, I was immediately able to identify how the plot tied with the title. Well done here!

Although I was able to get the general idea for your story, some of your sentences could be restructured to make more sense to potential readers. The purpose of the blurb is to get the concept of your story across with only the bare minimum. You have a few grammar issues, such as a comma missing between the word "duo" and "Marley." Make sure to proof-read your blurb carefully, because there are some phrases that could be restructured, or have some unnecessary filler words. You blurb showcases your writing talent, so it has to be as flawless as possible.

From reading your hook, I can see you took a philosophical approach to beginning your story. It's a great way to introduce the mind of your protagonist for your readers without being cliche or generic, and there weren't grammar errors that I could find. There could be some restructuring for the first paragraph to make your hook more memorable, but I'll address that in your chapter reviews.

Have you read a story and found yourself skimming over long sentences and long clauses? It's natural for readers to be unable to read abnormally long sentences, as it takes a while for the brain to comprehend its structure. That's why it's always best to separate sentences into several clauses and keep them short and concise. That way, your readers can read and understand each sentence one at a time rather than all at once. I found your long sentences to be a problem in reading your story. There were many instances where your sentences could be separated with commas and periods. You can do more research on commas on your own, but I recommend keeping in mind that commas are used to separate topics within a sentence. I've provided some examples in your chapter reviews down below, but there were many that I haven't mentioned. Make sure to go thoroughly through your chapter and find those, correcting them on your own.

Your capitalization and punctuation also caught my attention. Keep in mind that words such as "mom" and "dad" should be capitalized if there isn't a possessive noun (his/her/my/your) in front of them. I've caught some parts where you needed capitalization. Along with that, you confused your punctuation at the end of your sentences. If a dialogue tag accompanies your dialogue (he/she said), it is part of the sentence. The clause, "he yelled" is not a sentence by itself, because it doesn't make sense without the dialogue. If the dialogue tag comes after the dialogue, the dialogue tag shouldn't be capitalized (as it isn't the start of a new sentence) and the dialogue should end in a comma, not a period. On the other hand, if an action tag accompanies your dialogue (she grinned, he sighed, they ran away, etc), it is a sentence by itself. It doesn't need the dialogue to make sense. So if it comes after your dialogue, the action tag should be capitalized (as it's the start of a new sentence), and the dialogue should end in a period. In summary, if a dialogue tag accompanies the dialogue, the dialogue can end in any punctuation except a period, and the dialogue tag should never be capitalized. If an action tag accompanies the dialogue, the dialogue can end in any punctuation except a comma, and the action tag should always be capitalized.

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Example of a dialogue tag and dialogue: "'You're a horrible person,' she said."

Example of an action tag and dialogue: "'You're a horrible person.' She frowned."

There were a few instances where I caught some questionable spelling choices, and I've pointed them down below. Along with that, you confused the word "then" and "than." The word "then" is a sequence word, usually for transitioning scenes. "This happened, then this happened." The word "than" is a comparison word, used for phrases such as "taller than," "shorter than," and etc. I've pointed out a few examples down below, but it's up to you to find the rest.

I like the air of mystery you added into Marley's history! You definitely had me wondering about what happened in the past, and how she was coping with it. You added some creative concepts and twisted different ideas together, and I enjoyed reading about it! So far, everything that has happened in the two chapters I've read, I expected. There wasn't an element of surprise. That's okay, since we're only in the beginning of the story. However, make sure to add some plot twists, and it's always fun to lead your readers in the wrong direction, only to jump out and showcase something else.

As I've continuously said earlier, I got a strong idea of Marley and her mindset. You were comfortable talking in her character, and there were lots of philosophical thoughts that had me thinking deeply. I would have liked for some description of each character. What some authors like to do is explain some habits that a character does, and then establish them by categorizing them in one specific area, such as "grumpy," or "perky." That way, the readers can observe the different things that a character does, how they'd react to a certain thing, and how they act around others. I didn't get that from Marley or your side characters, and I also found that her name was rarely mentioned in your first two chapters. Make sure to establish her name and ease it in throughout the story so your readers don't forget!

While I enjoyed the precise storytelling and organized writing voice, it was hard to fully appreciate it because of your abnormally long sentences. As I've mentioned earlier, it's important to break these clauses down so your audience doesn't have to take a while deciphering each sentence. Along with that, try to think about what metaphors/similes and sensory details you can include. What does the air smell like? Does Marley's aunt wear a specific perfume, and does it remind Marley of anything? What is the color of her emotions? By doing this, you can make your storytelling more vivid, and an overall much more memorable experience for your readers.

I had no trouble transitioning from one scene to another! You smoothly incorporated each new situation perfectly, melding them together, so I hardly noticed. I was impressed!

"Everyone wants to believe there is something inside them worth noticing, something worth saying or doing that makes people stop and consider the fact that we are more than just the skin on our bones, more than our intellect." (p.1). This sentence is abnormally long, and I suggest you separate this into several sentences/clauses. That way, it's more readable for your audience, as readers tend to skim over long sentences. Suggestion: "Everyone wants to believe there is something inside them worth noticing. Something worth saying or doing that makes people stop and consider the fact that we are more than just the skin on our bones. Nothing more than our intellect."

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"I blink and I'm reminded all too suddenly that I exist in more places then my destructive state of mind." (p.5). You're missing a comma here, and you've confused the word "than" with "then." You could also tighten this sentence, getting rid of unnecessary filler words. Correction: "I blink, reminded all too suddenly that I exist in more places than my destructive state of mind."

"I resist the urge to remind her that she is a fellow resident of Victoria and instead rub the tender area around my neck while using my free hand to change the radio." (p.8). Again, this sentence can be restructured as it's very long. You're missing some commas as well. Correction/Suggestion: "Using my free hand to change the radio, I rub the tender area around my neck and resist the urge to remind her that she's a fellow resident of Victoria herself." Try to experiment with different ways to portray a sentence, you might find a structure you become fond of.

"So because I must have a truly unpleasant face..." (p.12). You're missing a comma here to separate the two clauses. Correction: "So, because I must have a truly unpleasant face..."

"Aunt Poppy breaks through the music and that awful silence while simultaneously managing to make it look like it's my fault that she must speak at all." (p.18). You're missing a comma here, and you could remove unnecessary filler words. Correction/Suggestion: "Aunt Poppy breaks through the music and that awful silence, simultaneously managing to make it look like it's my fault she must speak at all."

"I want to remind her that she isn't the only one grieving, and she isn't the only one stuck in a situation they had no say in, but I don't." (p.19). You have a tense slip up. You also confused your subject pronouns. Correction: "I want to remind her that she isn't the only one grieving, and she isn't the only one stuck in a situation she has no say in, but I don't." I also corrected a tense slip-up.

"This is lesson two; there are people in this world that believe they are the only ones that suffer pain and they would sooner take on the weight of the world then acknowledge they aren't alone." (p.20). I suggest you replace the semicolon with a colon, add a comma, and replace "then" with "than." Correction: "This is lesson two: there are people in this world that believe they are the only ones that suffer pain, and they would sooner take on the weight of the world than acknowledge they aren't alone."

"That's ok." (p.25). Here, I suggest that you write out the full word "okay."

"... I'm not that fussed." (p.28). Here, you incorrectly conjugated a word. Correction: "... I'm not that fussy."

"Back to you Poppy." (p.29). You're missing a comma here. Correction: "Back to you, Poppy."

"I shake my head, 'not really.'" (p.31). Here, these should be two separate sentences as "I shake my head" is an action tag; not part of the dialogue sentence. Correction: "I shake my head. 'Not really.'"

"'Chinese takeout it is.' She says through gritted teeth." (p.34). This should be one entire sentence, as a dialogue tag accompanies the dialogue. Correction: "'Chinese takeout it is,' she says through gritted teeth."

"'Try to be quick, it's starting to rain.' Aunt Poppy mutters..." (p.37). Again, a dialogue tag is accompanying the dialogue. That means it's part of the sentence. Correction: "'Try to be quick, it's starting to rain,' Aunt Poppy mutters..."

"... a less then pleased grimace..." (p.39). You've confused "than" with "then" here. Correction: "... a less than pleased grimace..."

"'... I haven't gotten around to repair the leak in the ceiling yet.' Aunt Poppy explains..." (p.40). Again, the dialogue tag should be a continuation of the dialogue; it doesn't make sense to be its own sentence. Correction: "'... I haven't gotten around to repair the leak in the ceiling yet,' Aunt Poppy explains..."

"People have been lost, the rest have left as they make efforts to move on with their lives and the only adult left to offer you any type of emotional support is drunk and dancing to Eurythmics." (p.45). You're missing a comma. Correction: "People have been lost, the rest have left as they make efforts to move on with their lives, and the only adult left to offer you any type of emotional support is drunk and dancing to Eurythmics."

In paragraph 48, "i've" should be "I've."

"Maybe mum would yell at me..." (p.50). Here, "mum" should be capitalized as you're referring to a specific person. Correction: "Maybe Mum would yell at me..." In the same paragraph, "dad" should be capitalized as well.

"Well that's Dencis." (p.3). You're missing a comma here. Correction: "Well, that's Dencis."

"'Oi, get out of the way!' An older man shouts from behind me and I realise only when I turn around that I'm standing in front of his car." (p.9). This should be one whole sentence, not two. "An" shouldn't be capitalized, as it isn't the start of a new sentence. You're also missing a comma here. Correction: "'Oi, get out of the way!' an older man shouts from behind me, and I realise only when I turn around that I'm standing in front of his car"

"'Punk.' He spits." (p.12). Here, the period should be replaced with a comma, and "he" shouldn't be capitalized as it isn't the start of a new sentence. Correction: "'Punk,' he spits."

"Once the commotion dies down I hear people sniggering behind me and when I glance over my shoulder I find a small group of teenagers in uniforms pointing their grubby fingers at me with wide smirks on their faces." (p.16). This is a run-on sentence. I suggest you separate these clauses with periods and commas. Correction: "Once the commotion dies down, I hear people sniggering behind me. When I glance over my shoulder, I find a small group of teenagers in uniforms, pointing their grubby fingers at me with wide smirks on their faces."

"'I hate teenagers.' I mutter under my breath before stalking passed the idiot children and towards the front entrance to the mall." (p.19). Again, this is one sentence, so the period in the dialogue should be replaced with a comma. Along with that, you're missing some commas. Correction: "'I hate teenagers,' I mutter under my breath, before stalking passed the idiot children and towards the front entrance to the mall."

"I agree, the red leaves really complement the cats abnormally long golden eyelashes." (p.22). You're missing some commas here and an apostrophe. Correction: "I agree, the red leaves really complement the cat's abnormally long, golden eyelashes."

"It's almost funny, the loud sigh he releases when I ask him this, 'yeah, how could you tell?'" (p.30). These are two separate sentences, not one. Correction: "It's almost funny, the loud sigh he releases when I ask him this. 'Yeah, how could you tell?'" You have the same problem in paragraph 32.

"That'll be 6.50." (p.38). Here, I suggest you write out numbers to avoid looking lazy and unprofessional for your readers. Suggestion: "That'll be six-fifty."

"Surprised he'd even know this I regard him with the same curious look he gave me just seconds ago." (p.46). You're missing a comma here. These are two different clauses. One is that she's surprised he knows this, and the other is that she looks at him with the same curious look. Correction: "Surprised he'd even know this, I regard him with the same curious look he gave me just seconds ago."

"Obviously she's picked up similar qualities from the locals." (p.51). You're missing another comma here. Correction: "Obviously, she's picked up similar qualities from the locals."

"My mind catches onto the last thing he says and I frown, 'right reasons?'" (p.59). These should be two separate sentences. You also need a comma. Correction: "My mind catches onto the last thing he says, and I frown. 'right reasons?'"

I can see a strong plot developing here! I enjoyed the many philosophical explanations you've provided, as it got me into your protagonist's mindset. There were some cases of incorrect grammar, with run-on sentences and wrong punctuation, but if you thoroughly edit your chapters, your writing voice will be more clear and easy to read!

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