Clancy is trying to forget all of the torture that he's gone through during his time spent in the prison known as Dema. But when Jenna comes into his world and requests to go to Dema, he must face his demons and help her rescue her family before it's too late!

From looking at your cover, it just looks like a collage of different random photos. There's no title or author's name presented either. I suggest that you request for a new cover at a cover shop on Wattpad.

While I can distinctly see a connection here, it's vague enough that the title doesn't fit your story. You didn't put a heavy emphasis or meaning on the title throughout your story. Unless it becomes a principal part of your story, I suggest that you replace and work on finding a better title that better represents your story.

I was impressed with your blurb! It has a clear outline of what your story's about, and it's short/concise. I can see that you put a lot of thought into presenting your blurb, and it's brief enough while still conveying the important parts of your story.

What I enjoyed about the hook is that it was clean of any spelling/grammatical errors. It was compelling, and it also posed a lot of questions about the story. You started off right into the story, and I got a sense of the character, situation, and surrounding. Well done!

I was impressed here! For the most part, your grammar was flawless. There were still a few comma mistakes here and there, and I've pointed some out for you. Keep the basic rule of commas (I've mentioned them to you before) in mind when writing and try to apply my suggestions when editing your story.

Solid 5/5! I was impressed; there were no spelling mistakes pulling my focus away from your story. Still, there were a few spots where you could replace your diction and vocabulary, so I suggest proof-reading your work before uploading on Wattpad. That way, your readers won't have to see the rough, rough draft of your story, but rather a polished rough draft.

This is definitely a unique idea, and I was enjoying the suspense in your story. However, there were a few parts where your plot was foggy. What I mean by this is that I got a vague idea of the goal, and not a very strong impression of the surroundings and situation here. I hardly got any description on emotions, scenes, or about Dema. I suggest turning your focus on describing Dema and tying your characters' feelings to this place.

I also struggled to learn about your characters. While the mysterious aura here is certainly compelling, it's distant enough that I don't feel attached to your characters. Going more into depth about their emotions and surroundings will help ground your readers and let them understand your characters more. Along with that, you described Orchid as being very beautiful, but you didn't describe how so. "Beautiful" is a cliche, generic description. How can you be more creative here? Along with that, I suggest that you focus on other traits besides generic physical descriptions. Your characters likely won't care about hazel eyes and dark hair, but by establishing unique features such as a hooked nose or mole on a cheek, it will help your readers be able to visualize your characters better and make them more relatable.

Especially since your writing here is very clean of any errors, I got a clear sense of your writing voice. It's often straightforward and factual. While that's a good element needed in a story, I suggest experimenting with the artistic side of writing. What metaphors can you connect your surroundings with? How can you make your writing beautiful enough to leave your readers breathless with anticipation?

Your transitions here were very awkward and abrupt. You jumped from one scene to another just in one sentence, and it stuck out to me. There are so many unique ways to transition without making it seem awkward for your readers. If you read other stories, you can see how other writers transition scenes. Try to avoid repetitive transition words such as "suddenly" and "after." You can transition by summing up a time skip. For example, you can say, "After polishing off the last of the apple, we..."

"... for literally DAYS." (p.1). Here, I suggest that you replace all caps with italics. That way, you can have a better effect on your audience without looking unprofessional. I suggest using all caps only when someone is literally yelling in a dialogue. Suggestion: "... for literally days."

"The squirrel scampers away and I get up and begin to walk further and further away from the only home I've ever known: Dema." (p.2). You're missing a comma. Correction: "The squirrel scampers away, and I get up, walking further and further away from the only home I've ever known: Dema." Did you notice how I've restructured and tightened this sentence as well? It's not necessary, but it does take away the repetition of the word "and" in this sentence.

Again in paragraph 3, I suggest you replace all caps with italics to avoid unprofessionalism.

"He and I first met when Josh and I needed help pouring the highly flammable chlorine into our enemy's pool so that even the fumes would cause him to incinerate as soon as he walked out of his house." (p.3). You're missing a comma, and this sentence is abnormally long. Perhaps you should think of separating this into several sentences. Correction/Suggestion: "He and I first met when Josh and I needed help pouring the highly flammable chlorine into our enemy's pool. That way, even the fumes would cause him to incinerate as soon as he walked out of his house."

"I'll never forget the way he peeked at me that day from around the trailer door, with his big eyes, and those little horns that just make him look like an adorable little demon." (p.3). You're using an unnecessary comma here. Along with that, even though you're writing in present tense, you're describing the past, so the past part should be written in the past. Correction: "I'll never forget the way he peeked at me that day from around the trailer door with his big eyes, and those little horns that just made him look like an adorable little demon."

"He looks back, probably wondering what I'm even talking about." (p.3). Your character hasn't actually spoken yet. Clancy was thinking, so I suggest you replace "talking" with "thinking." Suggestion/Correction: "He looks back, probably wondering what I'm even thinking about."

"As I walk, I come across the seemingly most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my lifetime, crouching on the ground over a pile of leaves, who seems lost." (p.5). I suggest you replace "I" with "we" as both Clancy and Ned are walking together. Along with that, your commas are replaced. I also suggest you separate these into different sentences. Correction/Suggestion: "As we walk, we come across the seemingly most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my lifetime. She's crouching on the ground over a pile of leaves, looking lost."

In paragraph 5 in your dialogue, I suggest you remove "uh." The reason for this is that while it might be normal in an average, everyday conversation, it doesn't often happen in stories, and can slow down the scene for your readers. There are other ways you can make your character feel hesitance, such as an action tag.

"My peaceful stance turns to frightful and groaning in pain on the ground, she knocked me THAT hard." (p.7). The word "to" isn't necessary here, and I suggest you split this into two sentences. Correction/Suggestion: "My peaceful stance turns frightful, and I groan in pain on the ground. She knocked me THAT hard."

"'WHAT?!' He shouts at me..." (p.1). Here, "he" shouldn't be capitalized, as it's not the start of a new sentence. Correction: "'WHAT?!' he shouts at me..."

In paragraph 1, you need to start a new paragraph when Orchid is speaking.

In paragraph 5, the explanation is longer than necessary, and I suspect that your readers will skim over it. In order to avoid that, I suggest tightening and shortening your explanation. Only give the readers the bare minimum information and what's necessary for the situation and then reveal the rest later.

"Then he comes up beside me and says..." (p.6). You're missing a comma here. Correction: "Then, he comes up beside me and says..."

"Okay fine. I swore I'd never go back there but if it's that important for you, okay I guess I will then." (p.6). You have unnecessary filler words here, and you're missing some commas. Correction/Suggestion: "Okay, fine. I swore I'd never go back there, but if it's that important for you, then I guess I will then."

In paragraph 2, the ellipsis isn't necessary. I suggest that you remove it and replace it with a comma instead.

"You ok?" (p.4). Here, I suggest you write out the full word "okay."

In paragraph 5, the ellipsis isn't necessary. I've noticed you use ellipsis' quite often, and they should only be used when the character is literally trailing off, or to create suspense. You don't want to overuse these, because they can get repetitive quickly.

"The trees slowly sway in the gentle breeze and I welcome the calmness so my thoughts don't become overwhelmed over being back in Dema." (p.9). You're missing a comma here. Correction: "The trees slowly sway in the gentle breeze, and I welcome the calmness so my thoughts don't become overwhelmed over being back in Dema."

"Suddenly I remember something very important." (p.10). You're missing a comma here. Correction: "Suddenly, I remember something very important."

"It's an extra army green jumpsuit with vibrant yellow paint on both shoulders and a yellow X on the back." (p.10). You're missing a comma here. Correction: "It's an extra army green jumpsuit with vibrant yellow paint on both shoulders, and a yellow X on the back."

"He tries to steer himself and me away but I shake him off with a dirty look and begin to walk towards the man determinedly." (p.1). This is a run-on sentence. You can add commas, restructure, and tighten here. Correction/Suggestion: "He tries to steer us away, but I shake him off with a dirty look and determinedly walk towards the man."

"The guy I'm with shoots me an extra dirty look and stays where he is, as the other man answers my question." (p.3). If you refer to Clancy as "the guy I'm with," it'll cause some confusion for your readers, as they assume Orchid knows his name by now. Along with that, you have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "Clancy shoots me an extra dirty look and stays where he is as the man answers my question."

"I told him all of what I had told Clancy earlier on, about how my family had kidnapped and that I had escaped and now I had to go back and rescue them." (p.8). Your story is set in present tense, so make sure to replace "told" with "tell." Along with that, you're missing a filler word in between "had" and "kidnapped." I suggest getting rid of the backstory completely, as your reader is already aware of this. Correction/Suggestion: "I tell him all of what I'd told Clancy earlier on."

In paragraph 9, I suggest you remove the unnecessary ellipsis.

You refer to the bird as "it" and also "he." This is confusing for your readers, and how does Orchid even know the gender? I suggest you choose only one subject pronoun to refer to the bird.

"I make sure no one is looking, then carefully snatch three apples, and a bag of Pogo Peanuts for Ned to snack on." (p.1). You have unnecessary commas here. Along with that, during most of your chapters, Ned was pretty much nonexistent until now. There was no indication that he was by their times during the walk. I suggest that you somehow incorporate him into your narrative consistently so your audience doesn't forget about him. Correction: "I make sure no one is looking, then carefully snatch three apples and a bag of Pogo Peanuts for Ned to snack on."

"All of a sudden..." (p.1). I've noticed throughout your chapter that your use of "sudden[ly]" is repetitive in transitioning scenes. I suggest you replace it with a synonym or think of different ways to express a new thought or idea.

In paragraph 7, I suggest that you write out numbers.

"Maybe I don't wanna know his dating history anyway." (p.12). I suggest you spell out full words and add a comma. Correction/Suggestion: "Maybe I don't want to know his dating history, anyway."

"I can tell the two of them are hitting it off... nicely to say the least." (p.13). You're missing a comma here. Correction: "I can tell the two of them are hitting it off... nicely, to say the least."

Your last paragraph is incomplete.

Your chapters were a bit short and abrupt at times, but I enjoyed the dynamics between your characters and the situation! With a little work on your grammar, your story will be good to go!